Therapist made a rape joke; was it highly inappropriate?

[1MoreChance]

So I haven't posted here in a looong time. I was in therapy for the past 9 months, one private session per week and one group session per week.

 

My therapist has helped me a lot identify certain self-defeating patterns, and helped me validate myself and become more assertive and confident.

 

However, he made a joke a couple of weeks ago, which made me decide it was time to end the therapy (if you stop going you have to end private and group sessions). He is known for having "dark humor" and sometimes not very tactful.

 

This is what happenned: I was thinking of fostering a dog; I had my eye on a young male, but I was concerned as he was intact (not fixed - I was worried about marking the home with urine, and with him not being able to be able to be let off leash for fear of coming accross a female in heat);

 

But, I was telling him that the advantage was that my dog (female - though fixed) liked intact males (gets along great with them, wheras she may be more growly/snarky with females), as this is the case for a lot of dogs (as many dog owners here can certainly testify to); some of them seem to really enjoy romping around with the opposite sex and girl dogs really seem to get jolly and particularly frolicky when they meet an intact male. They just get super happy and play and chase one another.

 

So my therapist makes a joke: "do they have sex, do they rape each other?"

 

This made me super uncomfortable, I had been looking for help for a long time regarding my personal issues and my therapist KNEW I had issues with men (fear of men due to past abuse-being beaten and psychologically abused by my father). I have told him every single time, throughout the 9 months of therapy, when he made a joke/comment I felt was inappropriate, and it always was resolved fine.

 

BUT A THERAPIST MAKING A JOKE ABOUT RAPE???

 

I told him how I felt this time too (that i was really uncomfortable with the comment and did not find it funny), but I feel this went too far, way too far. How can he be so inappropriate. The joke just filled me ith a feeling of shame.

 

what do you guys think? and should I write him a letter to tell him how I feel? Am I overreacting?? How can he say that?

 

I really did like him (should I respect him after he said that??) and I feel he has helped me a lot. But I am so angry and I feel he doesn't even deverse a letter. I have ended the therapy, I didn't go this week.

[Clarity]

Yes, that was highly inappropriate from a professional in his field, especially knowing your situation.

 

What was his reaction when you told him how that comment made you feel?

[1MoreChance]

He responded, I remember clearly... "rape... sex...."...(actually said the words)

 

And then something like "those are topics that you really have an issue with don't you"

 

and I said something like "yes but I feel that the comments you made were inappropriate and how are they supposed to help me overcome my issues. I feel ashamed"

 

something like that anyway.

 

Honnestly, I am baffled and I feel lik eit always ends the same... men end up shaming/intimidating me.

 

I'm sorry , I saw you are male. don't take it personally. it just really bothered me and made me feel intimidate dand ashamed.

 

and it confused me.

[LightbulbSun]

Any person who would make a joke about rape is sick. Sometimes even therapists are sick.

 

I'd search for a new therapist. If my therapist ever made a rape joke (he never would, because he's a decent person), I'd say "See ya!"

[savignon]

I don't think I fully understood the comment but it seemed in reference to how dogs jump on one another without "permission". The important thing is that you were able to talk to him about it which is a big step towards trusting and not staying in your shame. I personally think it would be a shame to toss a good therapist because of one off remark...therapists are people too and over a stretch of time I'd be surprised if there was one who never said anything to upset a client. Because you ended with "I always end in the same place being shamed and humiliated by men" I propose that the underlying issue is that belief system rather than his comment. Ultimately you have to be comfortable enough to work with him. I see the positive being that you were able to confront him on this. Good for you!

[1MoreChance]

I understand Savignon... good points.

 

I actually remember another comments he made afterwards, he asked me if they actually mated.

 

I told him, of course not, my dog is fixed, and she would not tolerate it, besides it just doesn't happen that way. I don't understand why, inspite of my explanations, he insisted on these points/questions.

 

It just gives ma creepy feeling, and makes me feel sad (aside from the àfact that it makes me angry) and I think I need to trust that "inner voice"?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If your therapist has really really helped you then one off colour, inappropriate remark about dog behaviour should not have you heading for the hills. Yes, it was inappropriate..but sometimes people have a certain sense of humour that comes out at an inappropriate time. If in general your exprience with him has been very positive then I wouldn't let this one incident cloud everything.

[Circe]

Trust the inner voice. It was inappropriate on his part. It was particularly wrong of him not to apologise when you told him it made you feel uncomfortable.

 

No - don't write him a letter, I feel it would do no good. You've told him how you feel and ending the sessions will also communicate this clearly.

 

Even if he suspects you are a rape victim and wants to bring this up (and for some reason a lot of therapists seem to think that if you have issues with sex - you had some kind of sexual abuse in your past) and is using the dogs as some kind of metaphor to broach the subject - it would be a totally inappropriate and stupid way of doing so.

[Hobbes]

Agree with CAD on this one.

 

I remember my dentist once asking me if I had ever considered sex with dead people. He's just mad though.

[Circe]

If your therapist has really really helped you then one off colour, inappropriate remark about dog behaviour should not have you heading for the hills. Yes, it was inappropriate..but sometimes people have a certain sense of humour that comes out at an inappropriate time. If in general your exprience with him has been very positive then I wouldn't let this one incident cloud everything.

 

The real problem is how he reacted after she made her feelings known. He turned it around on her and told her she had issues concerning rape and sex. Whether or not this is the case - he's a therapist and should know this woman well enough to know that what he said would upset her. Even if he made an innocent mistake - it was completely wrong of him to turn it back around on her when she asserted her feelings about its inapproptiateness. By doing so he disempowered her and - given who she is - made her feel more humiliated. If he didn't know what he was doing - he's an idiot. If he knew and kept doing it to protect himself - he's an insecure idiot.

 

Plus he gives her a creepy vibe. She should trust that. There are a lot of disturbed "therapists" out there.

[Circe]

Agree with CAD on this one.

 

I remember my dentist once asking me if I had ever considered sex with dead people. He's just mad though.

 

Honestly, it's incomparable. Your dentist can be an idiot and thats fine. Roll your eyes and get over it. It's a very different thing for her therapist to behave this way.

[greywolf]

Any person who would make a joke about rape is sick. Sometimes even therapists are sick.

 

I'd search for a new therapist. If my therapist ever made a rape joke (he never would, because he's a decent person), I'd say "See ya!"

 

It doesn't make a person sick. I've made rape jokes before. But there is an appropriate time and place for them, and this wasn't it.

 

OP, what I find even more concerning is that when you told him you found it inappropriate, he kind of turned it around and implied that you were too sensitive. Not cool.

[1MoreChance]

Agree with CAD on this one.

 

I remember my dentist once asking me if I had ever considered sex with dead people. He's just mad though.

 

 

But he is your dentist, not your therapist. a therapist works at a different level, more vulnerable, regarding personal issues.

 

(I love Steve Vai BTW)

[1MoreChance]

 

what I find even more concerning is that when you told him you found it inappropriate, he kind of turned it around and implied that you were too sensitive. Not cool.

 

Indigo and greay wolf, you both point this out.

 

This is true.

 

he eventually appologized, (as he always does), but I did feel that he turned it around on me. I really did feel that and it really bothred me.

[savignon]

I argue that your inner voice may be re-enforcing for you that men are inappropriate or that you will always be shamed and humiliated by them. I don't know this guy well enough to defend him. I just can't imagine that there's a therapist in the world that has never said anything off color at some point. I also think a good therapist would ask something like "so rape is a real trigger word for you isn't it?" Which some are taking to be "turning it around on you". I feel that their job is to have you do some self-investigating so thatyou can break destructive behavior and thought patterns. Ultimately its a personal choice for you to make.

[1MoreChance]

savignon

 

 

in a previous post you wrote:

 

"Because you ended with "I always end in the same place being shamed and humiliated by men" I propose that the underlying issue is that belief system rather than his comment."

 

 

This is correct, so as an experienced therapist shouldn't he be able to refrain from making such jokes, knowing of my belief system???

 

This man is in his 60's, and a specialist in his field (a psychiatrist who specializes in certain types of mental illness).

 

I will add that this is not just about my belief system, but also about the inappropriateness itself, IMO.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I argue that your inner voice may be re-enforcing for you that men are inappropriate or that you will always be shamed and humiliated by them. I don't know this guy well enough to defend him. I just can't imagine that there's a therapist in the world that has never said anything off color at some point. I also think a good therapist would ask something like "so rape is a real trigger word for you isn't it?" Which some are taking to be "turning it around on you". I feel that their job is to have you do some self-investigating so thatyou can break destructive behavior and thought patterns. Ultimately its a personal choice for you to make.

 

I agree that the context is not clear and the tone used was not clear. If this was one of your first few visits with him I would say find another therapist..but the fact that you had 9 months of therapy with him and found him very helpful I have to wonder why all of a sudden this one incident invalidates all the good he has done and the fact that clearly he has understood you enough to have been very helpful these last 9 months.

[KG]

Therapists are there to help us, not make off-color jokes. That was very unprofessional of him. After all, he is there to reassure you, and that comment was very degrading. Dogs, cats, humans, whatever.

[1MoreChance]

I have to wonder why all of a sudden this one incident invalidates all the good he has done and the fact that clearly he has understood you enough to have been very helpful these last 9 months.

 

 

Because I have a huge issue with the topic of rape.

 

I must add that I do not invalidate everything else. i really found it helpful, like I mentionned a few times.

 

It just pushed me over the edge, this rape joke. It makes me feel the time has come to end the therapy... but I still recognize the good that came out of it.

 

yet I am upset about what was said and confused about me feelings.

he was always telling me to trust myself when I became confused. Maybe it's time to do it with this particular incident? yet seeing that he was so inappropriate, why should I trust myself here (I'd be taking his advice, when he acted so unprofessional).

 

as you can see I still have problems with black-and-white thinking (also known as "splitting").......... but what the therapy did is really help me catch myslef.

 

yet I feel betrayed by him because of the rape joke/comment......

[savignon]

Consider separating his one innapropriate comment from what kind of person and therapist he is. If you cannot reconcile those then you'll have to look for someone else or decide to move on without therapy..whatever will work best for you.

[1MoreChance]

Consider separating his one innapropriate comment from what kind of person and therapist he is. If you cannot reconcile those then you'll have to look for someone else or decide to move on without therapy..whatever will work best for you.

 

 

Savignon I really appreciate you posting, and I respect your POV.

 

and although I can somewhat separate the joke from the kind of PERSON he is (even though truthfully, I find it in bad taste)

 

I will argue that as a THERAPIST it is IMO illogical to separate the joke from the therapist. Because it is my opinion that it is inappropriate and shame inducing (for a client like me, anyways, which he knew of) for a THERAPIST to say this to a patient/client.

[savignon]

In that case it seems you've given it enough thought and should no longer work with him. I'm glad the comments were able to strengthen your resolve one way or the other.

[1MoreChance]

In that case it seems you've given it enough thought and should no longer work with him. I'm glad the comments were able to strengthen your resolve one way or the other.

 

 

Thank you!

 

I guess I have made up my mind.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Does the therapist know that you have issues with men?

 

Maybe he was trying to spark something in you so that you two could discuss it.

[penelope13]

The joke was not in the best taste. Agreed. But I agree that a therapist is also human and can slip up. He was making a joke about dog behavior, not people.

 

One of the purposes of therapy is also to prepare you for everyday life. And unfortunately some people say inappropriate things at times. But you have to learn to deal with it. It is hardly imaginable that you will go through life and not experience those things.

 

If you consider ending an otherwise beneficial professional interaction solely due to this one inappropriate joke in 9 months, he is indeed right (and should point it out to you) that this is a difficult subject for you and you have to start processing where it stems from.

 

Finding a good therapist can be really hard and you clearly benefited from the sessions. It would be a pity to walk away from that.