Devastated Beyond Repair

[WomanWriter]

If things couldn't get much worse, they did tonight.

 

My ex, B, delcared to our church that he has a sexual addicition. I'm glad he admitted it but am very upset about what followed.

 

The pastor took me, him, his family, and friends into a big room to "confront" B as people do with alcohol problems.

 

We laid out a picture of his life and tried to scare him into what would happen if he didn't get help. He said he did want help but he was emotionless and defensive. The pasor yelled at him and B got mad.

 

Pastor asked B if he still loved me and he grumbled "yes" (he's been claiming he was going to marry me since he met me). But his sister interrupted and told us that had been seeing another girl behind my back! B protested at first, but then finally admitted that he's obsessed with her! THIS IS THE SAME GUY WHO ALWAYS TELLS ME HE IS GOING TO MARRY ME AND WIN ME BACK.

 

His sister said, "You don't love WW or you wouldn't treat her this way." He said "Yes, I do." But proceeded to talk about how sexy the other girl was IN FRONT OF THE PASTOR.

 

I started crying and left the room. Pastor determined that he has some sort of mental problem and later comforted me.

 

This is not my ex fiance, so I shouldn't care, but I am devesatated. B tried to be friendly to me. I asked if he had feelings and he said "No, not like regular people." It hurt me so badly. We had bonded and I had gotten closer to him as a friend, at least. He is now supposed to stay away from females and had to resign from his posts in our church.

 

I am just beyond sad. I can't bleieve this happened and yes, I should feel only disgust and want to move on, but I am very sad.

[Brittney2008]

I was under the impression that you and B had broken up. If so then it is perfectly normal for him to be seeing someone else, even if he still wants to get back together. He feels like he needs to hide who he is/what he is doing for fear of being 'found out' by your church.

 

Is the desire to be in a sexual relationship with a woman deemed as a sexual addiction? This whole situation is not healthy and I question your church's involvement in what seems to be your and his every move.

[WomanWriter]

I don't think you understand. B has tricked countless women into doing things for him while he's jacked off, with and without my knowledge. We tried to be friends and he told me he would do anything to win me back. He was taking care of himself and spending time with me. He didn't owe me anything but he lied to me and only now admitted that he is out of control when it comes to going after women, using them, and discarding them. He told me he doesn't have normal feelings and honestly thinks he might be a sociopath (he used that word). We explored the concept together and he said it fits him but he still thinks he loves me, just more in a thinking way.

[Brittney2008]

You are right, I certainly don't know all the details. I apologize if I came off harsh WW.

 

Were you still holding on to possibly getting back with B? Is this why this confession hit you so hard?

 

I know that church is a very important piece of your life, but have you considered taking a break from your church and not seeing B and the people who are intimate with your situation? It seems like it would be so difficult to move on and heal while still being surrounded by so many reminders.

[sophie274]

I don't think you understand. B has tricked countless women into doing things for him while he's jacked off, with and without my knowledge. We tried to be friends and he told me he would do anything to win me back. He was taking care of himself and spending time with me. He didn't owe me anything but he lied to me and only now admitted that he is out of control when it comes to going after women, using them, and discarding them. He told me he doesn't have normal feelings and honestly thinks he might be a sociopath (he used that word). We explored the concept together and he said it fits him but he still thinks he loves me, just more in a thinking way.

 

I'm not sure I understand the sex addiction part of the puzzle - he was not having sex with you, right?

 

Anyway, it certainly sounds like he has a lot of issues, which has been apparent for some time now. I'm sorry you found out that he was seeing someone else. You two WERE broken up, but I understand that he was claiming to want you back.

 

Honestly, given everything that you have posted here about B and about your mixed feelings about him, I think it would be a real blessing for you to cut him out of your life and try to move on from a relationship/situation that I personally think is toxic. There are many many reasons why B would not make a good friend, let alone a good partner - just accept that he has problems and will not add anything positive to your life, and move on from him.

 

I'm concerned that the atmosphere in your church is unhealthy. I understand that many church congregations develop into very close communities, but the way the pastor handles all of these interpersonal conflicts and mediates between everyone seems to be to be unprofessional and sometimes manipulative. Remember that he was trying to convince you to date B again? Now he has you confronting him about a sex addiction and "determining" (does he have a degree in psychology or psychiatry?) that he had mental problems. I just get a bad vibe from him and I think he is way too involved in your personal life - especially in ways that do not have your own best interests at heart (like when he was trying to convince you to get back together with B). I know you are very involved with the youth programs but I feel that you should think about finding another church and freeing yourself of all of the B/pastor drama that goes on at this church.

[DN]

I agree with this post. There is something very wrong here. This is no way to carry out an intervention, the damage something like this can do is immense. He had no business inviting or coercing you into that meeting at all.

[Miss Firecracker]

How can B see a girl behind your back when you aren't dating?

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

Although B had every right to see someone else, this does not give him an excuse to continue pursuing you and making you feel otherwise.

 

As others have mentioned, perhaps it's a good idea to find another church to go to. This way you can fully get over B without influences from different people. You can never get over him, when he is constantly there.

 

Also, knowing the type of person B is, it may actually be a good thing. You see what he is capable of, and now you know this is not the type of person you would want in your life, so it helps getting over him that much easier.

[Ascending]

I read some of your posts, sounded like B did a lot of good things for himself and really tried hard to win you back. You didn't reciprocate though, even if you had your reasons, and that hurts too, almost as if you were leading him on. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't know if you are the girl he will get to marry, because while he wants to marry you, doesn't mean he can. Therefore, he's exploring his options now, since he probably figures he has no other choice.

 

Personally to me, I think this whole situation was made into a mountain out of a molehill, what exactly is a sexual addiction? Masturbation? Sounds to be like his sister was trying to instigate something too, and I kinda disagree with how the whole situation was handled anyhow.

 

B doesn't sound like a bad person to me, from what you wrote. I'm gonna disagree with what Jd1983 said, I think there's a misconception about him. He's only human too, and I can see he is trying hard, he's conflicted now.

[MsDexter]

Pastor determined that he has some sort of mental problem and later comforted me.

 

So he is got mental issues, because he has urges?

 

You know no offence but sometimes I think some people let church control every aspect of their lives is that really a good thing? My relationship ended because church got involved.

[DN]

There are various definitions of sexual addiction and I don't think any of them apply to this guy:

 

link removed

[BunnyTee]

The staging of an impromptu quasi-intervention for an undefined sexual addiction PLUS a hastily blurted-out confession under duress...then add a generous dash of largess from the church and this tallies up to one seriously big blunder. What was the whole point of this exercise??

 

I'm going to guess that Mr. Addiction is engaging in popularized excuse-making. Make noise about an addiction and suddenly, he's off the hook and is by default a "victim" who must be pampered rather than confronted and held to account for himself and his actions.

I'd get rid of this one for good, sister. Surely no good can come from this. If he IS a bonafide Sociopath: ask a shrink, there is no dealing with these defectives. Nail the lid closed and move on. Quickly.

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't understand why this would devastate you. There are women that have been married for years to these types...Sandra Bullock, Elin Woods, Hillary Clinton. I can see why they might be devastated, but you knew B was a thief and a little kinky all along. This shouldn't be a surprise to you.

[doiiiieeezie]

Other than the over-dramatic title..

 

I thought you didn't like him?

 

Now would be a good time to leave the church and focus on yourself. This whole thing was overplayed and none of your business really. You weren't dating him, he had a right to be with someone else. Even if he had an addiction, it doesn't affect you... and you need to get back to working on yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is spot on. I am not quite sure what kind of Church this is but there is something a bit strange about the dynamics here. There just seems to be way too much drama all revolving around relationships and sex...I am not sure where religion is tied into any of this...all the goings on here seems more like a TV soap opera than a religious institution. There is dysfunctional drama all the way around and I think the nature of this Church is feeding the drama rather than solving it. Your ex sounds like a big drama King and I am not quite sure why he took his personal life to the pastor and made everything into this whole public spectacle. Also, since you have been broken up I don't understand why you had to be involved in this so-called intervention.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I dont see how he can have a sexual addiction if he is saving it for marriage? I really don't understand this at all. He does not have a sexual relationship with you or any other woman, so he relieves himself by masturbating. How is that sexual addiction?

[lostnscared]

So his only crime is masturbating?

 

Because he thinks about women and masturbates--he has a sexual addiction?

 

That is very odd. That's normal.

 

He isn't sleeping around, and he is saving it for marriage so I'm not sure how he has a sexual addiction?

 

I know he's made the moves on you and made you feel violated a few times, but even still where if anywhere has it been proven that he has a REAL diagnosed sexual addiction.

 

And from your threads--why is your pastor so involved in your dating life. That's odd and weird. From him convincing you to be with B and then now having an "intervention" for an issue that REALLY isn't there, it's all just not right one bit.

 

As far as you were concerned he was always a rebound, and you didn't want to be with him anyway, so why were you hurt that he was interested in other women OR that even though he wanted to be with you(and you wouldn't take him) he ALSO wanted to be with someone else? If someone told me I had bad hygeine, wasn't a suitable partner, and I wasn't good enough for them and I LOVED them and WANTED them but they didn't want me, I would move on as well--which he has done.

 

I do think he may have some issues, but the way your pastor diagnosed him was very incorrect and wrong.

 

I actually feel bad for the guy.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think the devastation is over jealousy, that B is more attracted to this other woman sexually. I can see that side, come to think of it. He would have to be mentally unstable to sit there and talk about how sexy she is to the preacher. I feel sorry for the preacher in that church, seriously! He may decide to sell used cars after this event.

[lostnscared]

I think the devastation is over jealousy, that B is more attracted to this other woman sexually. I can see that side, come to think of it. He would have to be mentally unstable to sit there and talk about how sexy she is to the preacher. I feel sorry for the preacher in that church, seriously! He may decide to sell used cars after this event.

 

Well I think the OP needed to make up her mind. She friendzoned B but then gets mad that he likes another woman? If she really only saw him as a friend, then why does it matter how much he loves her and if he likes other women. I think the issue is that the OP wanted B to like her and be her friend at the same time--she wanted the cake and eat it too.

 

And I'm thinking his comment about how sexy she was to the preacher was probably due to the nature of how inappropriate the intervention was anyway. The way she describes his preacher makes it seem like he is entirely WAY too invested into their sexual and dating lives. The intervention may have put B in a place where he *felt* as if he had a sexual problem and therefore admitted to having one that in actuality he does not have.

 

The preacher and his relationship with the congregration is inappropriate to me, which may be why B responded the way he did.

 

I do know preachers who do marriage counseling, and so on, but never to this extent and certainly not an "intervention" like this.

 

It's just creepy to me.

[diamond78]

The only thing you really need to know is that you need to leave that church since months ago, so leave today. PLEASE.

[WomanWriter]

I dont see how he can have a sexual addiction if he is saving it for marriage? I really don't understand this at all. He does not have a sexual relationship with you or any other woman, so he relieves himself by masturbating. How is that sexual addiction?

 

LOL...you have no idea. No, it's not just that at all. He coerces women to do certain things for him as he masturbates in front of them when they aren't looking and even when they are. He solicits innocent young girls. He's done a lot more than I wrote here. He himself knows he has a sexual addiction. No, it's not just masturabting. Everyone does that. You have no idea.

[WomanWriter]

HE is the one who WENT to the pastor for help. Nobody else told the pastor. But when he told him, that is when the pastor gathered us together to confront him about how serious it was. Because B seemed more interested in discussing his sexual episodes than in getting help. What was sad, is I really felt for him. I know I started out thinking of him as a rebound and he annoyed me, but we spent a lot of time together, I got attached, and he started cleaning up his act. Even his sister acknowledged that she saw a lot of good changes in B after he was with me. He thanked me for everything I've done for him and hugged me. And he admitted that he probably shouldn't be going about trying to get me to marry him knowing that he's not suitable for a husband. He is being recommended for rehab. I hope he goes. He really did try to work on himself, but this is major. I am very sad about the whole thing. So sue me.

[MsDexter]

But why couldn't the pastor just talk to him without all of you around? Why is everyone so involved in what B does?

[WomanWriter]

He takes his job as pastor seriously and sees himself as in charge of our spiritual health. He's not like a catholic priest who is more hands-off. This pastor counsels all of us and tries to keep us on a good path. He confronts people because that is what Christians are called to do (at least we Baptists are). We look out for brothers and sisters when they need help and encouragement. He wanted me and his sister there because he knew B cared about us (however he can care) and knew we all needed to be there to support and provide a full picture for B to see.

 

We are an active, small-church community. We don't just go to church and disappear. It is an active faith.

[MsDexter]

We are an active, small-church community. We don't just go to church and disappear. It is an active faith.

 

Sounds exactly like my ex's church and here I am crying about him lol he was told how being with me is not what God wants and he said God told him too.

 

Do you realise sometimes though by doing what the little community wants you to do is not always good for you.