confused

[teach]

Hey guys,

 

Need a little help with this.

 

I had being seeing a girl for 6 months, and we got along really well. I had been to see her parents on holiday who live abroad, she had met mine and things seemed to be progressing nicely.

 

Then out of the blue, she rang me. She was crying, and I asked what the matter was, she said I can't see you any more. I was shocked, because the day before she rang me 'just to hear my voice'. But I was shocked, so said ok then, take care, and put the phone down.

 

3 hours later she text this 'I'm so sorry James! There is nothing wrong with you, and you deserve all the best. you have been sweet and caring and helped me a lot and i appreciate that! I just can't give those back, even though i would try, because i'm so wrecked. I really do like you and i'm sad to loose you from my life now, but i would do more damage than good if i would keep trying because you need so much more....take care!'

 

I still didn't really know what to say, so I left it a week and then we spoke on the phone 2 hours. It turned out she had been going to a counsellor over her previous 10 year relationship which was a bad one just before she had rang me. But she had split from him a year and half earlier, and he was in another country. Again she was crying, but we seemed to be going round in circles. So I again wished her good luck and put the phone down.

 

I was going to leave it as that and have the non contact time, but about 2 weeks later I had a lapse after a drink, and text to say I still didn't understand. She replied 'the reason is that i couldn't see the future with you, because i don't even see my future for long ahead, i enjoyed being with you but at the same time i felt awful because i felt i'm lying to you...i felt like trapped with all the plans, because i don't want to hurt anyone but i knew that i couldn't carry on letting you plan things for us when i knew that i don't even know what i want. I have only had one really difficult relationship and don't know how to handle situations like this and i know i didn't handle this very well'.

 

I'm trying to move on, and have already made a date with someone else. But i can't help feeling that she bottled a really good relationship. That she didn't really want to do it, but in some weird way thought she had to. That when it came to the crunch she got the feeling that she might get hurt again, or that she was in some way inadequate because of how her previous boyfriend treated her, so just backed out. I asked her 3 times whether she had simply gone off me, and was not attracted to me any more, and she said no thats not the case.

 

So do I try some more to reassure her? or do i give up on the relationship that there was nothing wrong with, and she finished due to her past?

 

Thanks guys

[paradiselost]

Hi Teach

 

I am afraid I cant offer advice but wanted to console as I am going through nearly the exact same thing - my guy went through a difficult 7 year relationship and his ex still wont discuss selling common assets.

 

We started going out together half a year after they finished and it lasted 6 months.

 

Everything was perfect and things were going great...then got the same deal as you,

 

Now we are in light contact and dont know what to do either - (1) leave him alone and let him slip away, (2) keep LC so we remain in touch and possibly try and rebuild, (3) try one last time to show him it wont be the same as his last relationship.

 

I too would love to hear people's comments on your post.

[Confzd83]

I thought I might be able to chime in with the opposite perspective of the situation. I myself went through a long term relationship and marriage with the father of my child. We are now divorced and it wasn't a happy situation. I found out that he had been having an affair nearly the majority of our relationship starting not long after we had our child and continued on before and after our marriage. On top of the infidelity, he had also lied about numerous things throughout our relationship that slowly but surely came to light after I left him. I was not a pretty situation and believe me when I say the hurt was more than I could bare at times.

 

Before all of this, I've always been a very "fall fast" type of person when it comes to love. And when I do fall, I commit my entire being to the relationship and in the case of my ex-husband, naively believed and trusted every word and excuse he told me. I'm now currently in a relationship that has been going on a year and a half now. I was happy and content in the beginning...feeling like I found someone I could trust who truly cared for me. But I never really allowed myself the opportunity to get over my ex and to realize that what he did was not my fault. And eventually, things started to become rocky with my current boyfriend. I'd tell myself I wasn't good enough. That I was spent and used & discarded baggage and how the hell would I ever be able to fully love a person again?? I felt he deserved better than me and I couldn't see a future with him because it was so clouded by that chance that I might get hurt along with the idea that I could never love someone as much as I loved my ex again. So I tried to bail. Over and over again...and when my bf wouldn't let me, when he told me he knew what I was doing, that I was scared, and that he loved me and would tough through it...I became the lowest version of myself and started blaming him for my issues.

 

Well, I am now in counseling and have been for a while. I've realized my self-esteem took a big hit with everything I experienced with my ex and that deep down I was blaming myself for his actions..for not being good enough. And I actually convinced myself that I would never be good enough to love and I single-handedly tried to destroy a very good chance at happiness.

 

Now, I'm not sure if that's the case in your situation...but it certainly sounds familiar. In your case though, I don't know what kind of advice I can give. My boyfriend toughed it out and did whatever he could to help me through my problems, but my wanting to give up and his pushing to keep me truly has had it's effect on our relationship, because in reality..I should have taken the time to get over my issues with my past and really truly accept what happened as something that was out of my control. My honest opinion? If her situation is at all similar to mine...tell her you understand what she's going through and if she needs time to fix herself, you'll give it to her. But also express how much you care about her and how much she deserves to be happy. Overall, her issues are something she needs to work out for herself. If it's meant to be, if she truly cares for you, she come to the realization that she deserves to be happy with you.

 

Good luck with everything!

[teach]

Thank you. That was very helpful. And good luck to both of you, you sound great people!!

[Confzd83]

Not a problem! It's great to know that I can finally step outside my own issues and actually learn from them. I wish you the best!