Parents not OK with us getting engaged

[Hermes]

G35:

 

I don't quite understand what the big hurry is? She won't run away.....will she?

 

I think both Kumatora and Asti make very good and valid points.

 

H

[Hermes]

Hex, as always, good advice:

 

It's one thing to responsibly assert your independence, but that requires you to, you know, be independent. And you're not. You're financially dependent on your parents so you should take their considerations to heart.

 

This really just smacks of "I AM AN ADULT AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT" no matter how bird-brained the decision or situation actually is.

 

H

[anggrace]

Although I completely understand your frustration I would wait. You're living with your dad. Keep the peace. She's not going anywhere, right?

[Applewhite]

I don't like the extent to which your dad tries to control you. Is he like this with everything? It is so unhealthy and puts so much stress on you. Maybe you should move out - and tell him if anything it is THIS (him being difficult and withdrawing support) and not the symbolic engagement that will affect her studies and their lives together. Good job dad!

[turnera]

It's amusing how often it's the young people who see the parent as the bad person and egg the other young person into doing what he wants instead of listening to his parent. Is his dad overbearing? Maybe. We really have no idea. But we DO know that OP is now stuck with facing all kinds of financial and time and stress issues, just so he can be married or engaged NOW.

[Atticus90]

You're getting engaged.. Not married. I don't see what the big deal is.

[Hermes]

Exactly Turnera.

 

But we DO know that OP is now stuck with facing all kinds of financial and time and stress issues, just so he can be married or engaged NOW.

 

H

[Devchonka]

I think it's healthy for you at 25 to move out on your own. Then propose to whoever you want.

 

This condo business thing you guys were going to do has got me worried about if you're really ready to live on your own and not pile up debt.

 

Remember:

 

For the smaller things: If you can't afford it in cash you can't afford it.

 

For the larger things: if you can't afford to pay it comfortably -with disposable income left- every month until it's fully paid off, you can't afford it.

 

Good luck.

[G35Rider]

Update: got engaged, parents cool with it after a long talk with my fiance and everythings going well. thanks

[Unreasonable]

Um, the advice is usually that you wait until after you finish school before you get MARRIED, not engaged! WTH? What does it hurt to get engaged without a set date?

 

It sounds to me like he just doesn't approve of her and is trying to stall, hoping you'll break up before you get out of school.

 

And if your dad kicks you out of the house because of an engagement, he's a real jerk. You're gonna have a lot of problems with this guy over the years man with him wanting to stay daddy and interfere with your life. I'd move accross the country at the first opportunity.

 

Edit: Nevermind, didn't read all 6 pages. Congrats.

[dr_styles]

Update: got engaged, parents cool with it after a long talk with my fiance and everythings going well. thanks

 

Well congratulations then.

For the thread I just have to post the irony (to me) when compared to my situation - all in my mind I should clarify - where I will only get married/engaged after moving out of home, so I fully know what it's like to live independently (bills, rents, and all), but in my culture my parents follow you don't move out till you get married. heh ...

 

I can understand the parent's point about not having the non-romantic and financial side of things worked out first though. Another annoying thing about my parents is that they keep saying I am ignorant about hardships of life (like the mentioned bills, renting, loans, etc.) yet refuse to let me experience them too. Go figure.

 

Anyway for what it's worth congrats

[thejigsup]

I have been going to school since before I met my bf (11 years not, BA and Grad school while working). I will not even entertain the notion of getting engaged or married until I finish school. I understand where your dad is coming from, he is not trying to control you, just give you wise advice. As you are 25, of course you can do as you want and I am glad everything worked out. I wish young people would stop thinking of advice as "controlling you". It's just a form of deep caring and love.

[Applewhite]

I have been going to school since before I met my bf (11 years not, BA and Grad school while working). I will not even entertain the notion of getting engaged or married until I finish school. I understand where your dad is coming from, he is not trying to control you, just give you wise advice. As you are 25, of course you can do as you want and I am glad everything worked out. I wish young people would stop thinking of advice as "controlling you". It's just a form of deep caring and love.

 

But it IS controlling when it comes with threats like: If you do x, you have to move out of my house, If you do y, you are no longer my son etc. It is controlling even when they hint that if we don't follow their 'advice' and 'wisdom' they will not give us our blessing and be 'disappointed'. Advice should be just that, advice. Not detailed instructions on how to live life with consequences attached when not followed. This is one of the main reason I've become estranged from my parents.

[lostnscared]

But it IS controlling when it comes with threats like: If you do x, you have to move out of my house, If you do y, you are no longer my son etc. It is controlling even when they hint that if we don't follow their 'advice' and 'wisdom' they will not give us our blessing and be 'disappointed'. Advice should be just that, advice. Not detailed instructions on how to live life with consequences attached when not followed. This is one of the main reason I've become estranged from my parents.

 

That is the issue I have with my dad as well. There's a difference between trying to control us by telling us what we need to do or "else", and just giving us advice and their insight and allowing us to make a decision. Unless a person is under age 21 I think that a parent really should stick to giving solid advice, guiding them, but certainly not telling them what to do or else.

One of the reasons my dad and I are just not very close is that he wasn't really around much since he worked all the time, but when he was around he tried to control me. When I was 20 he had the nerve to tell me he was "forbidding" me from seeing someone. I mean really??????? Earlier this year (I'm 23 and done with school and have been for a 1.5 years), when I told him I was thinking about moving to the west coast--his response: I'm forbidding you.

Now I love my dad, I really do, but I refused to be told what I can and cannot do. Offer advice and insight and then let the ADULT make his or her own decision.

[turnera]

Not when you live in THEIR house.

[lostnscared]

Not when you live in THEIR house.

 

True but when you do those types of rules, it's an easy way to have a young adult move out and not want to continue a relationship with you. In my case my dad was trying to control me when I was in college(and not living with him) and when I was living on my own.

 

Most young adults who feel as those their freedom is being compromised by an overbearing controlling parent, will move out, and most likely be estranged from that parent for trying to force them to make decisions they didn't agree with.

[Applewhite]

Not when you live in THEIR house.

 

In my experience that is really irrelevant. If they do it when you live in THEIR house, they continue doing it. In addition it is rarely ever that the problem is because it is THEIR house. It is because they can't accept that you are your own person with your own preferences and own life to live. I wrote a much longer post but it got deleted....

 

Anyway I hope they are happy living in THEIR house by THEIR rules. But the fact of the matter is they aren't. God help them. I helped myself.

[Applewhite]

True but when you do those types of rules, it's an easy way to have a young adult move out and not want to continue a relationship with you. In my case my dad was trying to control me when I was in college(and not living with him) and when I was living on my own.

 

Most young adults who feel as those their freedom is being compromised by an overbearing controlling parent, will move out, and most likely be estranged from that parent for trying to force them to make decisions they didn't agree with.

 

 

I agree. My father was trying to control me accross the continent. It really didn't matter who's house we were in when I couldn't BREATHE when he was around - literally. I let it go on for years letting him have his way to avoid conflict, forgiving his tantrums until it got to a ridiculous point. He felt so entitled to the way I acted that he denied me as his daughter because I couldn't read the map - BACKWARDS. Yes he wanted me to read the map UPSIDE DOWN because that is how he would have read it on that particular turn. While driving he kept grabbing the map from me and turning it UPSIDE DOWN to read it HIS way. When I refused to and couldn't read the map upside down he went ballistic! Fine you deny me being your daughter I deny you being my father. Who do you think you are? I've lost ALL respect.

 

There really isn't any limits or rationality behind this kind of controlling manipulative behavior. And it doesn't matter who's house you live in.

[turnera]

If your parent is financially supporting you, you have an obligation to have them in your lives if they so want it. If you don't want it, you find another way to support yourself. If you don't want to find another way to support yourself, you make the effort to change the dynamics. The bottom line is they ARE supporting you and that makes you beholden to them. Sorry, but it's the truth.

 

As for them trying to control you when you are OUT of their house, that onus is on YOU. You don't HAVE to answer the phone, let them in your door, or associate with them in any way. They can't control you if you don't let them.

[Anonymous122]

My ex's mom tried to 'forbid' her from marrying me, and was a constant thorn in my side until my ex and I broke up. There was a point where she outright told me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter (even though I am just as successful as she is), and that I was corrupting her by not forcing her to go to church. I told her to go * * * * herself. Controlling parents are the most frustrating thing in the world. My mom is a very "hands off" parent now that I'm an adult. If I ask for advice she'll give it to me, but otherwise she just offers me her unconditional emotional support.

[lostnscared]

My ex's mom tried to 'forbid' her from marrying me, and was a constant thorn in my side until my ex and I broke up. There was a point where she outright told me that I wasn't good enough for her daughter (even though I am just as successful as she is), and that I was corrupting her by not forcing her to go to church. I told her to go * * * * herself. Controlling parents are the most frustrating thing in the world. My mom is a very "hands off" parent now that I'm an adult. If I ask for advice she'll give it to me, but otherwise she just offers me her unconditional emotional support.

 

That's how my mom is too. My dad is another story. But growing up with him, it was always some of the most unrealistic, crazy rules I've ever heard of. I'll never forget when I was 16 and ONLY talked to a guy on the phone, when he broke my phone(purposely) and told me I was a horrible daughter and that I was grounded. At that point that is when I realized that he wasn't sane. I think something is wrong when parents try to control every aspect of their child's life. Once the child becomes of age, let them go.