im accused of snooping when im innocent!!

[sean68]

my girlfriend and i had a fight the other night when i told her i felt disconnected from her. i said i was feeling more like her roommate then her person. it was calmly said. ive learned its ok to say how you feel. i mentioned how i felt a lack of intimacy and affection. typical relationship stuff that gets brought up.

 

long story short, she gets mad at me and basically asks me to leave her house. so i gather up my stuff and leave.

 

we dont speak for 3 days. all the while im thinking that expressing myself was the wrong idea. even though deep down i know its healthy to do so.

 

i finally reach out to her and she says she needs time and space bc she feels betrayed.

ok. i ask about what bc ive dont NOTHING to betray her.

she says " you know what you did". i actually didnt know what i did.

finally she says "you took my phone".

 

well, on my way home that night what i thought was my phone buzzed in my pocket i then realized it wasnt mine but hers. i took hers by accident. we both have very similar looking phones.

i was so mad at myself for not paying attention, and pissed i had to drive all the way back there, and i was freaked i even had it. i flipped around immediately and drove back to her place to return it.

when i got there she was annoyed i was back. i said "i accidently took your phone thinking it was mine. so i drove it back". and then i left, again.

 

she thinks i took her cell on purpose to snoop through it.

 

a lil backstory is 10 mnths ago i was using her comp and i lost the window i was on so i went to the history link to get it back and noticed that she had been looking up her ex. of course i looked. however, i admitted to it and apologized. she got mad and then got over it. it never happened again.

 

im so confused on what to do.

i told her how i was sorry she didnt believe me. and that i wouldnt do that sort of thing. and if she cant believe me then there are clearly other issues in the relationship. and if she wants to discuss then im here. i even mentioned the comp thing i did and reminded her i fessed up to it immediately. i also said taking someones phone is on a whole other level. and if she thought i would actually do that then she clearly doesnt know me.

 

which is sad to realize since we have been together for a lil over a year.

 

i really cant take blame for something i didnt do. and i have never snooped at her stuff anyway.

part of me is in disbelief, the other part of me wants to laugh and the other part of me is relieved to know shes mad at something that is in my opinion kinda nuts, but also i dont want her to think im that person. it so misrepresentating of who i actually am.

 

its awful to think she is probally telling her friends and what not that im a snoop and went through her phone.

 

and that word "betrayed" is so awful. im far from perfect and i have my insecurities like everyone. but ive never been accused of betrayal by anyone.

 

any suggestions on this matter?

 

i feel like i said my piece to her and dont know what else to do at this point.

 

thanks for reading this. look forward to hearing your thoughts.

[mamajenkoz]

Well, you probably aren't going to like this, and it my not be true...but usually if someone is accusing you of cheating, or doing something you shouldn't?? It's because they are doing something wrong and its the subconscious way of them trying to validate them doing it...like...if he's doing it too, then I don't feel as bad for doing it". I should know, I used to suspect my ex of suff all the time...whether or not he ever was doing anything idk, but in reality, I was the one messing up and just figured that he was doing the same. My two cents...I would say just to let her go. Again though, that may not be the case.

[wheatgrass82]

If you have, in fact been objective in relaying what happenned... I think you sound like a tops guy. For real. You sound calm and patient. and kind and patient. and patient. did i mention calm?

 

If you cant talk to her calmly about issues and are not met with kindess.. eventually you'll go fkn crazy anyway and have to leave if not for your sanity. She sounds like she's no angel and in order to deflect the attention off her, she makes you look or feel bad.

 

that is game playing and immature. talk to her. if you are not given the same respect.... think about your options. they are endless. you sound much more selfless and mature than her. give it time.. be sweet just as you have been but be firm. she's trying to hold all the cards . don't let her.

 

x good luck though. true love will find a way

[In the Dark]

Baffles me how people get angry at someone when they are snapped out for doing something wrong.

 

It's a manipulation technique.

 

You asked her about issues you are noticing.

Sje goes off at you instead of asking how and why.

The chances are....it's down the fact she knows it.

 

But then you took her phone by accident but she will believe that you took to snoop regardless of your honesty.

 

Lets face it.

You know something is up.

 

And it's nothing to do with you.

[iBroken]

Chances are, she is upset because there is something she is worried about you finding out.

 

If my girlfriend accidently took my phone (we both have the same phone), I wouldnt flip out. In fact, we both would probably equally laugh about having the others phone number for the day.

[catfeeder]

Since you know you're in the clear, you've got zero need to try to influence her thinking. The harder you try, the more gullible you appear. Either she'll get there on her own, or she's targeting you out of convenience--which means you can pretzel all you want, but then she's got you right in the poor villain seat, exactly where she wants you.

 

Don't play. If she's got her own agenda and she's just looking for something to nail you with, then your truth is of no use to her--no matter what you do.

 

Sometimes it's best to adopt the bad guy role into which you're being cast. Stop contacting her. If she comes after you with accusations, then she's the only one keeping THAT ball rolling. Just smile and say, "You're so right. I'm horrible. I really don't deserve you, I'll let you go now...bye."

 

This is either someone worth keeping in your life, or not. Unravel the plot and let her show you what she's made of. If she honestly wants a relationship with you, she'll drop the injured party routine. If not, then isn't that something you deserve to know?

[sean68]

thank you all!!

 

i appreciate your thoughts.

 

i do have an update.

she finally wrote me back and said "loves me very much. needs time and space bc she doesnt want to repeat the same pattern over and over. shes doesnt think talking now would do any good. shes angry and needs to cool off".

i only wrote back "ok. i understand". and then she said thank you.

 

my gut says shes been harboring things for some time now. and she never been the one to take much responsibility for her contributions. whether its her angry outbursts, her flight or flight pattern ect. its usually on me always.

 

whenever we have discussions she usually just checks out saying she cant do this. and it feels like she gets annoyed she has to talk about this when her work life is so busy.

 

she thinks im jealous, and i put her in a corner.

the few things ive been jealous about is her relationship with her ex from yrs ago. they still have a friendship which i understand. i have a friendship with one of mine.

however, once when i was with her she was on the phone with him for over 30 mins.. not once saying she was with me and i was right next to her. they were just chatting about things and people they know about.

in hindsight no big deal, but at the time my feelings were hurt that she didnt even say i was there when the ex knows we are in a relationship. i never said anything bc i didnt want to cause a stir.

 

she has said i nag her. and she said that when i told her how i felt about the lack of intimacy i had been feeling. she first said she was sorry i felt that and she didnt want me to feel that way. i said of she didnt, but its just what i have been feeling.

then it flips and says this isnt what she wants out of a relationship when she comes home.

 

she also says i dont support her. when im at her place all the time and i make her dinner 3 or 4 times a week.

she also was pissed when she had a hunch about something being strange with good friend of mine. that person made her uncomfortable. i tried to understand her and asked her for examples and eventually got mad bc i couldnt do much with a hunch she had. she had nothing really specific.

a few weeks later my friends and then myself had a situation with this person. and i then understood what my GF meant and i gave her credit for picking up on something early on.

well, the other night she brought that up as well saying she hated the way i handled that situation. saying i listened to my friends and not her. but they had concrete facts!!!

 

so again, im made to be the bad, intrusive one.

 

i am gonna step back bc she asked and i have nothing to defend.

 

again, im so open to hearing objectve feedback. im all ears.

 

all this blows my mind and once again its me in the doghouse.

[catfeeder]

Stop buying into the doghouse number. It never served you before, so why keep going there? The girl is unhappy. This doesn't mean you made her unhappy, it means that like anyone else, she needs to figure out what to do with herself to fix her own unhappiness. As long as you're there catering to her, she'll just keep projecting her problem on to you.

 

I'd remove myself from the problem. This will disabuse her of the idea that her unhappiness stems from you, and it requires nothing from you. If she's ever able to invest in herself and find a way to bring her own happiness into her own life someday, then she can contact you to see if you're still available.

 

Meanwhile, don't defend yourself, but don't stick around to play her safety net, either. As she's demonstrated, it will only buy you resentment. Not fair--but it's the way this stuff plays out. I was in your GF's shoes, and my own misery had me witch-testing the BFs all the time, whether I knew it or not. When they tolerated that from me, I just got more miserable and blamed THEM for being wimpy guys who couldn't make me happy. You don't want that lose-lose scenario, and you're the one with the power to snip it.

 

Be smart, head high--you'll thank yourself later.

[wheatgrass82]

She sounds down right impossible. And even if she isn't....... Even if she's wonderful... you sound down right miserable.

 

Go cat feeder... i agree... hold your head high... she sounds like hard work... real hard work.. stand up for yourself and what you believe to be right and dont be scared of losing her.... becuase youll have your dignity and that is much more importanat. If she takes too much of that, it'll be harder to deal with her crap as time goes on..

[sean68]

i agree with you all who responded. and thank you.

i am not taking the fall for this one.

 

in fact, it was chewing me up that i didnt stand up for myself more actually.

so my last bit of contact was:

 

that i understood she needs time and space but one thing she should know while she takes it is that i didnt do what she was accusing me of. it was just a simple mistake. and what she is upset about and blaming me for didnt happen. and to to not talk to me about it before i was convicted is very offensive to me. also, that i wont take the fall for something i didnt even do.

 

i finished by saying she doesnt need to respond and that i just wanted to get it off my chest. i wished her a nice day.

and then i left it.

 

shes so stubborn that i knew i wasnt gonna get a response. but the best thing i feel is that even if i wanted one, i know i dont need one. i just had to stand up for myself. esp since she never gave me a chance to do so.

 

anyways, who knows what will happen next. she has a pattern of fleeing at any sign of conflict and then comes back when SHE is over it.

should be interesting to see if anything comes of it.

 

and again, i appreciate all your thoughts so if this hasnt bored you yet, im still interested in your opinions.