Picking your battles...

[browneyedgirl36]

Though I haven't always been this way, as I have gotten older I have become firm believer that people need to choose their battles wisely, for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that life is just too dang short to get all worked up over insignificant minutiae. Why raise your blood pressure, and everyone else's, over little stuff? Why embarrass yourself getting angry and fuming publicly over something that, in the grand scheme of things, amounts to very little? Living in a different country for the past few months has really helped to strengthen this belief for me, as the country I am living in has some very different attitudes toward certain things than my home country, the U.S., and I have had to remind myself of these cultural differences when I am tempted to get all bent out of shape about some things.

 

What got me thinking about this was spending a significant amount of time with a colleague of mine and his wife, both of whom, in my opinion, tend to make too much over things that I can't imagine getting all worked up over, and I find myself cringing when they make a big deal of something in front of others. Let me start by saying that I like my colleague and his wife, and I am not trying to judge them -- I am just really taken aback by how they act about some things, and it's been a repeated theme over the past few months with them.

 

Case in point: One night, we were at a restaurant, and when my colleague's dinner arrived, he claimed that it was not what he had ordered. It was, in fact, EXACTLY what he had ordered -- it just didn't *look* the way he was used to it looking when he ordered it in the U.S. (It didn't have the same distinctive color that this particular dish has in America). I told him that I was pretty sure it was what he had ordered -- that it indeed smelled like it -- but he insisted it wasn't and called the server over and proceeded to get into an argument with the server about what was on his plate. Well, actually HE argued -- the server was quite polite and gently told him, twice, that he had been brought the right dinner. My colleague was totally wrong, AND he was very rude about it: "LOOK. This is my LAST night here. I ordered and I WANT OK???" He said this in English, by the way, even though he does know enough of the language of the country we are in to get by, and the server spoke only a bit of English.

 

The befuddled server took the plate away, and I sat there, being TOTALLY embarrassed that my colleague had acted that way, especially since there was a language barrier, my colleague knows enough of the other language to have talked to the server in that language, at least somewhat, AND he just rudely admonished the server, in English, loudly. The server brought the plate back. The sauce on the dish appeared to be a slightly different color -- basically, they had just added more of something to it -- and my colleague said it tasted good. He hadn't bothered to even taste it before when he told the server it was the "wrong" dish! He just decided, by sight, that it was wrong. I could understand if he was allergic to something and they put that something on his plate even if he had asked them not to, but...this wasn't the case here.

 

So, my question to you all is this: How do you pick your battles? When assessing whether to complain about something, make a stink, speak up in protest, whatever -- how do you decide which things are worth it, and which things aren't?

 

I know this is really subjective -- what's insignificant to me (i.e. the color of the sauce on my dinner, as long as it tastes good), is a big deal to someone else, who might, for example, feel that if he or she is paying $12 for something (roughly what my colleague paid for his dinner) then it should be exactly what he or she wants.

 

So...your thoughts? How do you decide when to let it go, and when to speak up? What are your criteria? I would love to hear other peoples' thoughts on this. Sometimes I think I am nuts because I don't get worked up over the same stuff that other people do. I don't think I am a huge doormat or anything -- I just don't see the point in getting upset over things like what I described above.

 

I would love to hear what you all have to say.

[DN]

I would be very interested to know what it was they added to the food although your colleague might prefer to be kept in ignorance.

 

You are right though - sometimes the energy expended and the bad vibes created don't justify the result.

[browneyedgirl36]

I would be very interested to know what it was they added to the food although your colleague might prefer to be kept in ignorance.

 

You are right though - sometimes the energy expended and the bad vibes created don't justify the result.

 

Hahaha...I am paranoid about providing too many details, lest he somehow stumble upon this site and recognize himself in this post -- very, very, very unlikely, of course -- so I'll say his dish wasn't *green* enough for him, and it appears that they added some parsley. Seriously. That's all it was. When they gave it back to him, it was apparently green enough for his standards.

[Catdancer]

I have a very short temper. And I have almost no patience. Those two things combined, are a stick of dynamite. lol

 

When I was younger, like in my teens and 20's, everything set me off to a certain degree and I admit that I didnt have the experience and knowledge to pick my battles, so I yelled at servers and complained loudly in the grocery store lines, etc. I didnt do it all the time, but if I was in a bad mood already, then I would be a complainer. As I've aged, I've mellowed. And having pets, especially special needs pets, and now having my son have really helped to mellow me. I may get upset, but I try really hard to reign myself in. Prime example, Monday night, my mom ruptured a blood vessel in one of her abdominal muscles. We were at the ER and it was hella busy and chaotic. She was puking and crying and in so much pain. You could see her bleeding internally, yet it seemed like no one cared or would do anything. My mom hobbled over the triage nurse finally and pleaded for someone to look at her and I freakin lost it. After watching my mom for 3 hours struggle to breath sitting in a wheel chair, I totally lost it. I told the triage nurse, that I's wheel her outside and call 911, load her into an ambulance and have them bring her in, then maybe she wouldnt die while waiting for a freakin doctor to look at her. I followed that with a healthy dose of, 'if my mom dies because you refuse to see her, I will own this hospital when I'm done'. umm...this didnt go over well. lol The nurse got angry, but she did help my mom. She moved her onto a bed to wait for a room and she actually stayed longer after she shift ended to be sure that my mom got into a room. After she did all this, I apologized to her for my outburst and taking it out on her. I felt like crap then, but I was still angry at the situation.

 

Anyhow, my point is that this is the first real "losing it" that I've had in a while. Aside from when I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I lost it quite a bit when I was preggers. oops!

[Hermes]

I am just really taken aback by how they act about some things,

 

So am I, browneyes!. Well, maybe not, because I have encountered this tye of person in a variety of settings and two words describe them all: "plain ignorant".

Tantrums are not even funny in toddlers. Less so in adults.

 

If there is something one needs to complain about, then it can be done in a civilized manner, without yelling. People serving in restaurants and elsewhere are human beings, not mules to be yelled at.

 

I have zero tolerance for that kind of behaviour.

 

H

[Batya33]

I choose them by having a better sense as I get older at how short life is - not because I am "old" but because of life experience - and how easy it is to waste time on irrelevancies and unncessarily get stressed out. Also being a parent made me change - partly because the last thing you want to do is annoy someone or anger someone over something small when you're out with your child - for now, because of safety reasons but it's a good habit to get into so he has a good role model in me as far as choosing battles. And - getting married and living with someone for the first time. As Jerry Seinfeld told Oprah in an interview for her magazine recently, being right is not all it's cracked up to be in a marriage. Yup.

 

 

But then again, I am a non-driver so far - and that whole pciking your battles as a driver will, I'm sure, be quite a challenge.....

[Hermes]

Tell me, browneyed, what is it you LIKE about your friends.

 

H

[browneyedgirl36]

Tell me, browneyed, what is it you LIKE about your friends.

 

H

 

Well...they are actually colleagues, though I guess we have gotten to know each other better and could be considered friends. For the most part, they are fun people, and they are smart and easy to talk to. I just found myself getting a bit embarrassed by some of the mini-scenes they created over little stuff, and I was hoping for feedback on how other people decide what to make a big deal out of and what not to, maybe so that I could understand it a bit better. I think my radar is off on that -- that the stuff that aggravates most people doesn't seem significant to me. But, I'm sure that things that aggravate me might not get to other people as much, either -- like cigarette smoke being blown in my face. I usually don't say anything, even about stuff like that, but it definitely DOES bug me!

 

I realize this is all subjective, though.

[renaissancewoman101]

I'll complain about some things but not about others. I used to never speak up and just accept things, but as I get older, I have started to stand up for myself a bit.

 

For example, a few weeks ago, we all went out for my bday dinner to a nice Italian restaurant. I ordered the pasta with the RED clam sauce (I don't do well with a cream based sauce). Order comes to my table and it has the WHITE clam sauce. I speak up and tell the waitress nicely that I had ordered it with the red sauce NOT the white sauce. She was apologetic, took it back, and came back with one with the red sauce.

 

When I go on vacation, I have complained about hotel rooms a few times and get them to give me a different room. The first time, there was a major crack in the tub/shower. 2nd time was when the room smelled seriously like crap and I was getting a major headache the minute I walked in.

 

I don't like complaining just to get free stuff. I only speak up if there is a legitimate concern. To me, life is too short to be complaining all the time.

[lucyblue10]

I'm British, and traditionally Brits are known for not making a fuss. I think that's changing alot now, unfortunately.

 

I do find it difficult to complain. Last year for my birthday meal we went with my parents to a restaurant. We ordered a bottle of my favourite red wine and it arrived 'warm', it was so hot we had to put ice cubes in to cool it! To make matters worse, at the end they tried to charge us for the more expensive bottle. We didn't complain because we were there to enjoy ourselves and didn't want to make a fuss... I think it was hard to find someone to complain to as well. Needless to say we've never been back and we wouldn't recommend the restaurant to anyone either.

[pinkelephant]

I still have trouble with this, not for myself personally.. but because people then take it as a sign that i'm a push-over. I'm really chilled out most of the time and would rather not speak up. but people then think it's okay to treat me badly! which then sets me off and i end up having to "put them in their place" and then people are scared of me!

 

lol it's so tough to figure out a happy medium.

[Hermes]

It is quite correct to complain, if there is a problem with quality, service or other aspect. What is important is HOW the complaint is made. There is a VAST difference between complaining and being ABUSIVE to staff, be it in a restaurant, a shop, or anywhere else.

 

One can make one's complaint in a quiet (even humorous) manner. It is NOT making a fuss. A fuss is when a customer yells and screams, frightening not just the staff but the other diners.

 

I agree with this REnaissance.

 

I only speak up if there is a legitimate concern. To me, life is too short to be complaining all the time.

 

No point complaining over trivialities.

 

H.