My girlfriend wants a mistress. Help...

[news2me]

Before I get into this please understand that we are in love and I'm only considering the option because of how much I love her. Need serious advice and help.

 

My gf and I have been together for over a yr and like most relationships in the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off one another. I must note here that I was a daily drinker before we were heavily involved since I'm told and have read that long term drinking can have some negative effects on people sexually.(IE) Loss of sexual desire, significant decrease in sexual arousal. Difficulty experiencing orgasm.

 

She has asked me if I would allow her to have a mistress so that she can experience being desired and wanted again. She says that in all other areas of our relationship she is happy and since I've been unable to fulfill her needs on a regular basis, she believes that her request is valid, but will not do it without my permission.

 

I'm very attracted to her in all ways mentally but physically I do not get horny or ever have an urge to snatch her out of nowhere to make love. She has admitted being torn up inside for asking me this but I fully understand though now I'm torn about what to do because something like this can come back to haunt us or bring about severe consequences in many areas.

 

There is so much more to say on this but I am to anxious to get responses and hope that I do get some help on this. As advice is given and further questions arise I will be able to give further insight into our situation.

 

Thx in advance to all of who have read this and to those who will offer some help.

[Sonicxman]

So you stopped drinking but your sexual desire still has not came back?

[news2me]

No, I haven't quit drinking completely. It's a process. I've cut back tremendously. Still my desire is nil.

[abitbroken]

She has asked me if I would allow her to have a mistress so that she can experience being desired and wanted again. She says that in all other areas of our relationship she is happy and since I've been unable to fulfill her needs on a regular basis, she believes that her request is valid, but will not do it without my permission.

 

People can feel desired and wanted without sex. Before my boyfriend and I had sex, I felt desired and wanted by the way he hugged me, by the way he gave his attention to me when I was talking, emotinal sharing and in other ways. Are there ways you are not connecting on other levels? In my marriage, I found that when we stopped having sex it was a symptom of something bigger. If you drank heavily when you were first involved, the relationship dyanmic may be different oo.

 

I think that the best plan of attack would be for you to get checked out, for starters, if you have no desire to rule out any physical issue. But also, there needs to be an understanding that when you have been in a relationship for a bit, you won't be wanting sex 24/7 like in the beginning. Alcohol is also a depressive. For some folks regular drinking even if not excessive affects things and you may not have a realistic idea of what is a lot

 

I think her request is very insenstitive. If it were merely about orgasms, she can take care of that herself to take the edge off. It may also be more of a threat than a promise to put a fire under your butt to have sex with her more, and she doesn't really plan on doing it. But if so, that is manipulative. But maybe a fire under your butt is what you need to get checked out to see if everything is working properly and to address the drinking that you are getting rid of ins tages.

 

If she has a "mistress" that will complicate the relatiionship as that is another living, breathing person with feelings - not a doll. It most likely will stir up jealousy, or cause her or you to not be as emotionally close not to mention bringing stds into the relationship.

 

Please dont agree to this just to want to please her - its more complicated than it seems on paper. if this is not a mutually satisfying relationship - you need to break it off clean or get some assistance to get healthy again rather than bringing others into it

[Sonicxman]

I have to agree with abitbroken, I would not open up Pandora's box.

[Mauxly]

Yeah, bad idea.

Sounds like depression? Quit drinking all together, start exercising, do what you can to get out of it...?

 

And if you are taking any meds for depression, know that can be a serious side effect.

 

I'd do EVERYTHING in my power to get this under control. Allowing her to take a mistress....like tossing gasoline on a fire I reckon.

 

We have some open-relationship folks here on ENA. Curious to hear what they have to say.

[In the Dark]

It seems sex is what keeps her feeling wanted.

If that's so....is this relationship really worth carrying on with when she could come up with such a dodgy way of solving the problem when you need to fix yourself....

 

All what she is saying to me is she wants someone else because you sexually are not doing it for her anymore.

[news2me]

You are right about feeling desired and wanted w/o having sex. I made mention to her about that too. However, she does this for me. We are only disconnected on this level. We have discussed the dynamic of our relationship changes due to all of the changes I've benn making. She is beyond supportive and bends over backwards for me in all areas but THIS AREA is the most important for her right now because we only sleep together maybe once a month.

 

I have no physical issues (just had a physical and all the works done.)

 

It's not only about orgasms as she's explained to me it's about the need for being desired and wanted. As for the mistress I made these same points and she promises that it would be purely sexual w/o emotional involvements.

[news2me]

I'm not depressed at all nor have I ever been. My drinking stems from the cliche of an alcoholic household.

[rosephase]

hi! I'm in an open relationship! My first thought is she can in no way promise not to become emotionally evolved. Has she been in relationships like this before?

 

Also I truly do believe that sex is a need for some people. It's not something that can be replaced by cuddles and masturbating. What are you doing (other then cutting back on drinking) to be sexual with her? If you don't want sex will you go down on her? What have tried to get you in the mood? Has this happened to you in other relationships?

 

I have seen relationships like this work. Where one partner has a low sex drive and allows the other to go some on the side. They can and do work. But both parties have to want it. You would have to want it for her because if you don't want it all the emotional work you have to put into something like that is going to come very hard.

[lavenderdove]

Go to the doctor and get your hormones evaluated... it may be something else other than your drinking.

[news2me]

She has never been in a relationship like this before. I try to be affectionate with her daily but I am a little reserved because (and she's pointed this out to me ) I know it will lead to sex. I prefer to please her and was beyond fine with doing it until she mentioned that she wants to reciprocate just as often. This has happened to me in other relationships but I didn't love those in my past so I didn't care .... I love her and her happiness is of the utmost importance to me.

[news2me]

Hormones evaluated... something to consider. Thx.

[hexaemeron]

Set good ground rules. Very important.

[rosephase]

So this is a way you might just be. You might just have a low sex drive. It sounds like if you want to keep her and you want her to be happy you might start deeply thinking about how she is going to get her sexual needs met. I don't know if having a girl on the side is the right choice but I do know that if sex is something she needs and you can't give it her then she might leave. Do you want to ask her to live with the sex life you have? Even if it makes her unhappy?

[Keyman]

So, what is not to say that she isn't going to get herself a girlfriend on the side anyway? By asking the question, she is trying to manipulate the situation to be fulfilling for herself either by getting you to act differently, or to get someone else in to do the housework, so to speak.

 

That she has gotten to this level would show there is something fundamentally deficent in this relationship. A loving spouse will try to work with you to solve the problem, not suggest getting it on with someone else. That, in turn, will likely lead her to leave you for this other person anyway if she feels she can satisfy her AND provid her with the other things you do.

 

Personally I think that you both need to sit down and talk at length over whether you think this relationship is still right for both of you. Relationships take a lot of work to solve problems, adding a mistress will only cause it more harm.

[cazmoore]

I don't think it has anything to do with drinking. I agree with drinking and how it affects sexual desire, but I'm dating a drinker (which I'm not happy about) but the sexual urges aren't significantly determind by his alcohol habit.

 

I think it does sound a bit like depression. Only real way to find out is to cut out your drinking altogether to find out if that REALLY is the problem (which I still doubt)... how old are you? That's also an important question.

 

I wouldn't submit to allowing my SO to have sex with someone else because i wasn't putting out as often. I think that's a bit cruel and i dont' think anyone can convince my otherwise (if that is a relationship not of my choice)... seriously, you can't have your cake and eat it, too.

[abitbroken]

You are right about feeling desired and wanted w/o having sex. I made mention to her about that too. However, she does this for me. We are only disconnected on this level. We have discussed the dynamic of our relationship changes due to all of the changes I've benn making. She is beyond supportive and bends over backwards for me in all areas but THIS AREA is the most important for her right now because we only sleep together maybe once a month.

 

I have no physical issues (just had a physical and all the works done.)

 

It's not only about orgasms as she's explained to me it's about the need for being desired and wanted. As for the mistress I made these same points and she promises that it would be purely sexual w/o emotional involvements.

 

Some people are just wired to need physical affection more than others. Like the book "the five love languages", the love language she understands might be physical affection. Do you ever sit and hold her? Do you kiss her or are you passionate in other ways? If the answer is HONESTLY that you are physical all the time except for full on intercourse, then that is different than if there is nothing. There are things also that won't be uncovered in a physical exam, like performance anxiety.

 

Also, what else is going on? Is there a crazy work schedule?

 

I am confused with what you said in a different post: "I prefer to please her and was beyond fine with doing it until she mentioned that she wants to reciprocate just as often. " I am confused - does it mean you like sex when you intiate it, but don't like it when the tables are turned and she wants to be the initiator?

 

BTW, you cannot make someone promise there won't be any emotional involvement because you can't control how the third person in this equation will behave. And really there is no situation aside from prostitution where someone can really just have sex with no other involvement. Women more so often than men have sex start off in their mind - and if that involves talking and perhaps seduction and other stuff. We don't always go 0 to 60 like a guy sometimes can.

 

COuld it be a possibility that she wants to break things off with you, but its easier for her to try sleeping with a girl so its less threatening to sort of try the idea out?

[NightLily]

Here is a short list of things I have heard to decrease sexual drive and some I can vouch for:

-being obese (don't know why)

-dieting or extreme dieting

-being underweight (this can cause your menstral cycle to stop so it screws with hormones)

-lack of exercise

-stress

[greywolf]

But we don't really know the situation. Maybe the OP's gf has tried to work it out with the OP. Maybe she just doesn't want to feel like a nag anymore.

 

OP, I'm not a fan of telling someone what they can or cannot do, so in your position, I'd probably tell her that she could do whatever she wanted as long as it did not have a negative impact on the relationship. Like, if she missed your saturday night date because she was too busy sexing on the side, that would be unacceptable.

[Catdancer]

Instead of a mistress, why dont you both find someone that will be an asset to your relationship. And dont keep it a secret. Make your relationship a 3some.

[hexaemeron]

I don't think it has anything to do with drinking. I agree with drinking and how it affects sexual desire, but I'm dating a drinker (which I'm not happy about) but the sexual urges aren't significantly determind by his alcohol habit.

 

I think it does sound a bit like depression. Only real way to find out is to cut out your drinking altogether to find out if that REALLY is the problem (which I still doubt)... how old are you? That's also an important question.

 

I wouldn't submit to allowing my SO to have sex with someone else because i wasn't putting out as often. I think that's a bit cruel and i dont' think anyone can convince my otherwise (if that is a relationship not of my choice)... seriously, you can't have your cake and eat it, too.

 

Sure they can. They just wouldn't be with you to get it. No shame in that.

[news2me]

I love her and do not want to lose her which is why I'm considering it. She will not cheat on me (hence her asking my permission.) We talk openly and honestly about everything. This relationship is the best one we've both been in and we will work it out somehow.

 

To answer some questions that were posed...

Our schedules are not so busy that we don't have time for one another.

I enjoy pleasing her but she prefers that it be a mutual thing more often than not.

I'm in my mid 30's

 

She has stopped initiating sex and I suppose she is starting to feel as if her pleas have begun to fall on deaf ears. ](*,)

 

I've told her that if she does have a fling on the side then whenever I may want to sleep with her the thought of the other would cross my mind and turn me off.

 

I'm far from a prude but never having been here (emotionally) before makes the smallest decisions so big sometimes.