BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend

[Sanesoul]

I don't have that much in common with her. We do get along for the most part but frankly after the whole shoe-stealing and propositioning a friend for sex fiascos I feel like we are quite far in terms of our values and beliefs in what are considered acceptable. We have distanced quite a bit. There has been a few instances in the past year and nine months when I felt like she had stepped out the line and had voiced my concerns to my bf. I suspect that my bf, being the good friend to her that he is, has transferred to her everything I have said to him.

 

This bothers me too. I don't care how good of a friend this chick is for your BF, you should be allowed to talk in confidence with him about anything. For him to run and tell her everything is just wrong.

[greywolf]

I don't have that much in common with her. We do get along for the most part but frankly after the whole shoe-stealing and propositioning a friend for sex fiascos I feel like we are quite far in terms of our values and beliefs in what are considered acceptable. We have distanced quite a bit. There has been a few instances in the past year and nine months when I felt like she had stepped out the line and had voiced my concerns to my bf. I suspect that my bf, being the good friend to her that he is, has transferred to her everything I have said to him.

 

ah, then that would make me uncomfortable. It wouldn't matter to me whether his friend is male or female.

[Puddincup]

No, we didn't stay together. This was years ago but I was totally crazy about him and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. The friend was just a friend. My boyfriend asked me the same question: how would I feel if he wanted to go away with a friend who was a woman? I told him that I trusted him even if I was maybe a little jealous about it. When I saw how upset he got about me even suggesting the trip, I backed off the idea. I loved my BF and didn't want him to get upset. I guess I was a little thickheaded not realizing how upset he would get when I asked in the first place.

 

The point is that just because two people of different genders go on a trip together doesn't mean something is fishy. Now if you know certain details about this girl that make you feel uncomfortable, then your boyfriend should definitely back off the idea. I mean, I didn't end up going on the trip once I realized how upset he was about the whole idea (even though I knew there would be no funny business). I loved him so it wasn't too difficult to give up the trip although it still bothered me that he didn't trust me.

[geekgirl4]

Hhmm, some people see boundaries as a fence/limitation. To me boundaries are more about what actions would you do to certain groups of people. Kissing, hand holding, going on trips to a foreign country - these fall in the relationship group. These actions are things I would only see doing with someone I love. To do them with someone else crosses the boundary. It's these actions that we consider special that puts the relationship with the person we love from a different level than a relationship with a friend.

 

Some people say boundaries are like chains but it's more like things we reserve to do with someone else. I won't go to speed dating nights because I'd rather date my bf. I won't go sleeping in the same bed with someone because I'd rather do that with my bf. On the flip side, I do agree that if you trust someone you should trust them but there are no black and white in this world. Yes, people can argue that a weekend in Spain is no different than a weekend at home because the opportunities to cheat are the same. You can say that if you trust someone, then you should trust them no matter where they are - at work or sitting in a chair with someone's booty shaking over them. But if you love someone, you realize these are situations of temptation and you stay out of them. It could be that your partner has utter faith in you in those situations but in a relationship, you consider the implications of what you are doing and act respectively. You don't take that trust for granted and think you can do whatever you want. To me, you don't receive trust and then sit around and do whatever you want. You take that trust and respect it - THAT is what I think true trust is.

 

Here are some questions I'm curious about:

Why couldn't OP invite another friend to go with them? You can argue bed space but a sleeping bag isn't a huge dealbreaker in terms of luggage. You could even get extra blankets and pillows from the hotel.

Why did OP's married friend press the issue instead of understanding the implications of the situation and talk to OP upfront about how OP shouldn't be worried?

[penelope13]

My rights versus his/her rights

 

Anyone has the right (and IMHO the obligation) to express clearly what his/ her comfort level/ preferences/ personal boundaries are for any given issue in a relationship. However, I consider it a question of respect for the autonomy of the individuality of my partner to choose his/her behavior upon the knowledge of my previously communicated preferences. In return I have the right to like/dislike his/her behavior and have the freedom to decide if this is acceptable for me or not.

 

In a healthy committed relationship I trust, expect and count on that my partner makes any kind of decision with both mine as well as his/ her own interest at heart.

 

The differences between telling my partner what to do/not to do and simply expressing my preferences is that in the first case I am robbing my partner of the decision making, as well as infringing on his/ her individual rights by assuming (i.e mistrusting) he/she is incapable of making a choice in my/our favor, thus I force my will onto my partner, while in the latter case I truly express trust in the ability/ capability that my partner can and will make a decision that will not undermine/ disrespect our relationship and my individuality and thus my individual preferences.

 

 

This is what I was trying to express earlier and what I also believe Hex was trying to say.

[BriarRose]

Not only would I NOT be okay with it (the same hotel room? You've got to be kidding me) For me, that would be grounds for terminating a relationship (if he goes). Completely crossing the line of respectable behavior in a relationship. And this girl wants him, make no mistake about that. She sounds quite eager for him to go.

[karvala]

I think that's an entirely artificial distinction. Communication is pressure, is designed to influence. 'Twas ever thus

 

Let's take the current example directly: are you seriously suggesting that for her to say "don't go" is unacceptable because she's imposing her will, but for her to say "it's up to you, but you should know that I'll be leaving if you go" is okay, because now she's leaving him to make the choice and then reacting accordingly? I don't think most people would see any meaningful distinction between those two: both are effectively telling him not to go. Ultimately he will make his own choice, but it will be informed by his knowledge of his gf's reaction. So unless you're suggesting that she shouldn't communicate her displeasure or proposed action at all, which would effectively end the relationship through a misunderstanding instead, then I don't see any genuine distinction between the two positions that you're describing.

[bridget]

I would absolutely NOT be happy with this whatsoever. Especially after being with somebody for 2 years - there's a certain etiquette that comes with being in a long term relationship, and I think this breaks that etiquette!

 

To be fair to your boyfriend though, he probably genuinely saw no problem with it & has no romantic designs upon his friend. Men can be absolutely useless sometimes and I think this is a classic case!

 

However, once you pointed this out to him, he should realise it's not the "right" thing to do. You're not being needy at all feeling the way you do!

 

It doesn't matter that it's totally platonic, or that he wants to see the ruins - it's about the way it's making you feel and he needs to respect that.

[penelope13]

I'm not at all suggesting that she shouldn't tell him what her preferences are (to the contrary, I think she needs to tell him exactly how she feels about this).

 

In her place (if this would make me insecure/ unhappy) I would have told him: I wouldn't feel happy if you go, because of ...

 

I think there is a big difference (at least for me), if my partner then would say to me: "alright, I see your point and understand/ respect your feelings, thus I won't go" instead of me saying: you can't go and him then grudgingly agreeing while complaining: my gf forced me to stay.

 

In the first case, I assume that the partner is then happy with the outcome, because he has consciously decided for this and decided that my happiness/ our relationship is more important to him, while in the latter case he might build up resentment because I forced my will onto him.

 

I don't know how better to express this.

 

Not every situation is a relationship is about making/ breaking the relationship, thus not every disagreement has/ should result in a consideration/ thread of ending the relationship.

 

For me there is a difference if I am negotiating a compromise/ common acceptable choice where both individuals express and respect their preferences or if one person dictates to the other person their will.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It is a compatibility issue, in my opinion. If you and your bf were compatible, he would have said "Ahh that is a great offer but I'd like to take my girlfriend sometime." something like that. He would believe, like you do that the trip is inappropriate. That is the real problem.

[karvala]

In her place (if this would make me insecure/ unhappy) I would have told him: I wouldn't feel happy if you go, because of ...

 

I think there is a big difference (at least for me), if my partner then would say to me: "alright, I see your point and understand/ respect your feelings, thus I won't go" instead of me saying: you can't go and him then grudgingly agreeing while complaining: my gf forced me to stay.

 

In the first case, I assume that the partner is then happy with the outcome, because he has consciously decided for this and decided that my happiness/ our relationship is more important to him, while in the latter case he might build up resentment because I forced my will onto him.

 

Well of course I would agree entirely, but that's premised on the partner being reasonable, seeing your perspective and acting in a way that ultimately makes you feel happy. When that's the case, great. Unfortunately, that's not the case here: we're dealing with a situation where she expressed unhappiness in a way not dissimilar to how you said you would, and his response was "Huh? What's the problem?", not "Okay, I can see where you're coming from and I'll adjust my choices accordingly." When confronted with the response that she got, what would you do then?

 

An outcome based on mutual goodwill and understanding is always preferable, but not always attainable. Sometimes people have genuine differences of opinion, sometimes people are simply unreasonable, and sometimes people will simply try to take advantage of your goodwill. If you don't want to breakup in such a situation, you have no alternative to stand up for your interests and risk resentment on the other side.

[camerainaction]

I think this really hits what is hard for me. The problem is not that I didn't say anything, but I did and I had to explain myself MULTIPLE times and somehow the issue creeps back. It's a classic "I see what you are saying but what are you saying?" My telling him I see this as crossing a boundary sounds like "you don't trust me and you think i will sleep with all my female friends" to him. I believe we genuinely have two different opinions and each cannot fathom how the other came up with his/her view. I agree with the poster earlier that this is a compatibility issue. It's one that is serious but is not serious enough to be an ultimate deal breaker. I feel stuck. I don't want to break up over this as we are quite compatible in other areas, but I do know that this will come back, time and again, when every time he is to do something that seems completely innocent in his opinion but is completely out of line in my book.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Certainly is a sticky situation, as obviously no couples are completely compatible but this is a tough thing to compromise on. It isn't as though you don't want him to be happy and experience Spain or have fun so you can choke the life out of him. It is merely an issue of not feeling comfortable with the conditions under which he would be going, paired with the fact you'd not think to do this to him. The whole thing is only compounded by his subsequent behavior with her, sort of double talking about you with her. You're left to wonder if he respects or considers your feeling at all.

[Sanesoul]

As far as compatibility goes, this is HUGE. You are not compatible in one of the ultimate areas.

 

Think about it.

[FreedomRing]

I agree^^^^. this is a fairly big difference of opinion on a very significant issue.

 

I wouldn't fool yourself into thinking otherwise, bc I have a hunch this would either 1) not go away completely(and I think he WILL hold resentment towards you for not going) or 2) present itself in a slightly different topic in the future, but essentially be the same issue at hand....

[pl3asehelp]

It's one that is serious but is not serious enough to be an ultimate deal breaker. I feel stuck. I don't want to break up over this as we are quite compatible in other areas, but I do know that this will come back, time and again, when every time he is to do something that seems completely innocent in his opinion but is completely out of line in my book.

 

You'll break up over this girl when you find out they cheated, which is 100% sure to happen sometime in the future. The fact that he wanted to go shows that he wanted to go cheat. You may have thwarted this attempt, but his intentions are clear. He knows exactly what's wrong with what he's doing and is just pretending not to so he can have his opportunity to get some on the side. May not be a deal breaker for you now, but his relationship with this girl will be sooner or later.

[meiling]

OP, is there any possibility that you can go on this weekend trip with them?

 

I understand that this situation would be hard for anyone to feel completely comfortable with. What bothers me most, though, is that he has not taken steps to do this kind of thing with you.

 

You can choose to continue if this will be an issue with you or not, you really can. Would you feel any different if he went and you could (somehow) be 100% completely sure that nothing between them happened and he comes back and is so happy that you were cool with letting him go? You would know, then, that you can truly trust him with those kinds of sketchy situations BECAUSE of his respect and love for you.

 

My boyfriend has a really good female friend. He's known her much longer than me. Many times a month they will be drinking together at his folk's house in the early hours of the morning. This would be a situation most people would be uncomfortable and not ok with. To be honest, I am a bit uncomfortable with it, or was at first. But I let it happen because I extend trust and I know that my boyfriend loves me enough to not hurt me by cheating. I know by letting him do this that I can trust him in any situation. It has strengthened our relationship and loosened the hold of my insecurities.

 

I urge you to let him go on this trip. If he comes back and it turns out he cheated, great. You know it's over, he wasn't worth it and can move on to someone better. If he comes back and nothing happened, you can know you really have a great guy and have further trust.

[FarthestEdge]

I urge you to let him go on this trip. If he comes back and it turns out he cheated, great. You know it's over, he wasn't worth it and can move on to someone better. If he comes back and nothing happened, you can know you really have a great guy and have further trust.

 

This is what I was saying earlier. You are almost ready to end the relationship over this. Maybe, if you let him go, and it all turns out fine, your comfort level might increase, and the gap between you may narrow. Likewise if he goes, and SHE tries something and he has to fight her off, he may come to see a little better where YOU are coming from, and again, the gap narrows

 

Or, he gets drunk, sleeps with her, and you end it. Then HE'S the one that ruined a good thing for his actions, instead of you throwing it away because of your fears.....

 

Just a thought

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I doubt he would ever admit to cheating if he did, though.

[Lucius]

I urge you to let him go on this trip. If he comes back and it turns out he cheated, great. You know it's over, he wasn't worth it and can move on to someone better. If he comes back and nothing happened, you can know you really have a great guy and have further trust.

 

This is how I would handle the situation, too. If I thought my fiancee might cheat on me in a given situation, I'd not want her to avoid such a circumstance should it arise. I need to know that I have unconditional fidelity from my partner; that my vigilance is not what stands between my partner and faithlessness. For me that's where the value of trust lies; in it's ability to be of use, not merely to be touted.

 

That's not to say that your discomfort or expressions of disapproval are unfair or unwarranted, however. This is merely how I would choose to act.

[DN]

As a previous poster said - he isn't likely to admit it if he did cheat.

[Lucius]

As a previous poster said - he isn't likely to admit it if he did cheat.

 

If it were me in the OP's shoes, I'd be content to trust my own observational skills on that front. It is always possible to be duped, yes, but I'm fairly sharp, and I know my partner like the back of my hand. It's a risk I'd be willing to take.

[DN]

If it were me in the OP's shoes, I'd be content to trust my own observational skills on that front. It is always possible to be duped, yes, but I'm fairly sharp, and I know my partner like the back of my hand. It's a risk I'd be willing to take.

I think that many people's skills are not as well developed - hence the existence of private detectives, keyloggers and the angered amazement of people who didn't have a clue about infidelity until a partner left them.

[Lucius]

I think that many people's skills are not as well developed - hence the existence of private detectives, keyloggers and the angered amazement of people who didn't have a clue about infidelity until a partner left them.

 

I'm not professing to be a mind-reader, DN. I'm saying that I'd prefer not to guard against anyone's infidelity but my own, as the faithfulness of my partner only holds value for me when it's maintained by my partner herself.

 

If, by "allowing" her to be in a situation where she can cheat on me, she does, then I want no part in a relationship with her. If she cheats and I do not discover it (despite being far from oblivious), then do be it. I am willing to run that risk, because anything less (for me) would not be trusting in a meaningful way. It's not the way I want to live my life.

 

Again, I'm not suggesting that the OP is being unreasonable. I'm suggesting that there's more than one way to be reasonable in this situation, and more than one way to trust. I have no interest in receiving the sort of fidelity that requires my management and vigilance - to me that's not fidelity at all. It's merely a lack of opportunity.

 

I can't be too far off the mark; to the best of my knowledge I've not yet been cheated on once. Indeed, my willingness to trust has mostly seen my partners go out of their way to prove their worthiness of such implicit respect. But then, I would never sustain a relationship with someone I did not consider worth that kind of trust in the first place.

[DN]

I take what you are saying and in theory it sounds fine. But three days in a fairly exotic location, with sun, alcohol and redolent with most everyone else having fun with their romantic partners (or trying to) while sharing a bedroom with a person of the opposite sex is pushing the envelope of trust a little too far for most people to be able to handle.