BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend

[Mimori]

I can completely understand how you’re feeling. And it wasn’t really appropriate for him to go to her, like a child, and complain about “you” not being comfortable with the idea. In all honestly, he’s twisting everything around to even hopefully get you to agree to his terms… I’m appalled that he doesn’t see anything wrong with this idea and shows neither concern nor respect to your opinions about it.

 

Now I don’t agree with the poster who says you’re out of line to be feeling jealous and insecure about the ordeal. Unfaithfulness doesn’t seem like the only concern, and her boyfriend may not be the only reason she’s concerned. Take into consideration that this woman is in a marriage (even if it’s on the rocks), in all honesty why isn’t she taking her husband and trying to save their marriage instead of your boyfriend? Or even a female friend to just relax with and not have “another” man in her life when she needs to work on her “men” issues anyways?

 

When people go onto vacations like these, they figure what happens there, stays there. It’s really hard for the partner back at home to know if anything did happen, because obviously, they don’t have that chance of finding any evidence… I honestly believe with what Crazyaboutdogs had just said, his behavior is showing a lot of different things about him that I would be uncomfortable with.

 

In all honestly, I would try to write out some things/organize my thoughts together and talk to him. Be honest about what you’ve told us here. Perhaps, you two really need to start questioning some significant ideas you have in order to keep your relationship together, or decide if you’d rather not continue it.

[Batya33]

I am completely in favor of couples having close friends of the opposite sex, spending time with them, etc. but, no, not overnight in the same room, unless it was a true emergency.

 

She's not being supportive of your relationship by wanting him to go, knowing you are uncomfortable with it. That's my personal standard for drawing the line between acceptable and unacceptable friends of the opposite sex. (and same sex too but with the opposite sex, the "unsupportive" can easily lead to a playing with fire situation).

 

Sure he could cheat on you anywhere but I think committed couples should not play with fire and put themselves deliberately in situations where the other person is going to get strong mixed signals, like in this case, especially since she's in such a vulnerable situation.

[Miss Firecracker]

Gosh, I wonder why her marriage is in trouble. Pathetic woman!

[hexaemeron]

I am completely in favor of couples having close friends of the opposite sex, spending time with them, etc. but, no, not overnight in the same room, unless it was a true emergency.

 

She's not being supportive of your relationship by wanting him to go, knowing you are uncomfortable with it. That's my personal standard for drawing the line between acceptable and unacceptable friends of the opposite sex. (and same sex too but with the opposite sex, the "unsupportive" can easily lead to a playing with fire situation).

 

Sure he could cheat on you anywhere but I think committed couples should not play with fire and put themselves deliberately in situations where the other person is going to get strong mixed signals, like in this case, especially since she's in such a vulnerable situation.

 

Then you are essentially admitting that marriage is a prison. You put a ring on my finger and I promise to police you, watch your every move, refuse to trust you even though I say I do, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, for as long as we both shall live.

 

"Those who surrender freedom for security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."

— Thomas Jefferson

[Miss Firecracker]

If you think of marriage as a prison, then you should never get married. Some people just simply are not meant to be married.

[DN]

I think it is important to remember that the OP's boyfriend has agreed not to go.

 

Now, if him even wanting to go is enough to end the relationship that is the OP's choice to make. But it would, IMO, be wrong to tell him she is unhappy with him going, getting him to say he won't go and telling his friend that - and then dumping him because his values are not the same.

 

That would not be cool. It just isn't right to complain that someone wants something, get them to give it up and then dump them because they wanted it in the first place. That would jost look like being vindictive.

 

If them wanting it is a dealbreaker then the relationship should be ended there and then - not after they have conceded the point.

[hexaemeron]

If you think of marriage as a prison, then you should never get married. Some people just simply are not meant to be married.

 

No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed previously, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

 

A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

 

That should NOT be what marriage is about.

[DN]

No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed above, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

 

A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

 

That should NOT be what marriage is about.

 

It also has to take account of human nature and the reasonable comfort level of a partner.

[Miss Firecracker]

No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed above, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

 

A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

 

That should NOT be what marriage is about.

 

That is your opinion. Mine is that my husband should respect our relationship enough that he wouldn't put himself in a position that looks raunchy. And this definitely does. He would never do this out of RESPECT for me and for our kids.

[Batya33]

No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed previously, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

 

A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

 

That should NOT be what marriage is about.

 

No it should not but I think you're ignoring that most couples together come up with a balance that works for them as far as what is appropriate behavior given the marriage. For myself, we've rarely disagreed on what boundaries are appropriate in inividual situations and I bet that's typical of most couples - so no one feels like she or he is in a prison. And when we have disagreed it's been minor and quickly resolved.

People do give up certain "freedoms" if you want to label it that way, for the benefits of commitment, marriage, family. But it all depends on whether the person wanted that freedom in the first place or if so, how strongly. Is it really a sacrifice if a person has no interest in having the option to go to Europe with an opposite sex friend and to stay in the same hotel room?

 

I agree with DN in theory but in practice I can relate to the gray area - being very hurt that the person would even argue in favor of doing this and not being sure whether the agreement not to go would resolve it or whether the relationship should end based on the original desire to go. I agree that if the person knows for sure that the asking is the dealbreaker, then it's unfair to go through the concession process. but I bet it's often more complicated than that.

[hexaemeron]

That is your opinion. Mine is that my husband should respect our relationship enough that he wouldn't put himself in a position that looks raunchy. And this definitely does. He would never do this out of RESPECT for me and for our kids.

 

And that's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. But I would never ask my partner to give something up he truly wanted for the sake of keeping up appearances?

 

I could give two flying figs what anyone else thought of my marriage or relationship. A happy partner is a good partner.

[DN]

And that's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. But I would never ask my partner to give something up he truly wanted for the sake of keeping up appearances?

 

I could give two flying figs what anyone else thought of my marriage or relationship. A happy partner is a good partner.

Would that include having sex with someone else if that made your partner happy?

[hexaemeron]

I just find it so astounding (literally) that people think it's not only okay, but perfectly reasonable to treat a partner, a supposed equal, like some songbird in a cage. Are we really that afraid of being alone? Are we really so insecure that we have to throw our partners in a safe and never let them see the light of day?

 

Human beings are not possessions, nor are they baubles. They're not accessories you put on your arm for appearance's sake. I want my partner to have all the friends he can, gay men included. I want him to have amazing experiences with and without me. I want him to learn and grow and never feel like he's chained to me like some sort of slave. To me, to treat an equal otherwise, is truly one of the greatest disrespects I can fathom, honestly.

 

If this is a question of comfort, maybe we should challenge ourselves more. There is such a thing of asking too high a price for comfort.

[hexaemeron]

Would that include having sex with someone else if that made your partner happy?

 

Sure. Why not? If he's safe and sane about it, why would I care? I want him to be happy. If he wants to be with me, then he'll be with me. If not, he'll go be with someone else.

 

I'd much rather lift him up and let him know I want him to experience everything life has to offer, than to smile at him and promise him a prison.

[DN]

Sure. Why not? If he's safe and sane about it, why would I care? I want him to be happy. If he wants to be with me, then he'll be with me. If not, he'll go be with someone else.

 

I'd much rather lift him up and let him know I want him to experience everything life has to offer, than to smile at him and promise him a prison.

Then you are out of the mainstream here with people who believe in monogamous relationships. That's fine if that is your belief but there are few people who will agree that a committed relationship is a prison.

[hexaemeron]

Then you are out of the mainstream here with people who believe in monogamous relationships. That's fine if that is your belief but there are few people who will agree that a committed relationship is a prison.

 

That's not exactly what I meant. You can have a committed, monogamous relationship without being a paranoid, insecure tyrant. The OP could have said "Oh, sure, honey - take lots of pictures and I can't wait to see you when you get back!" -- because, you know, she trusts him and wants him to experience things.

 

You really can have a monogamous relationship with trust, and not be a tyrant. That's what I'm trying to say.

[Miss Firecracker]

And that's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. But I would never ask my partner to give something up he truly wanted for the sake of keeping up appearances?

 

I could give two flying figs what anyone else thought of my marriage or relationship. A happy partner is a good partner.

 

Fortunately we both care a lot what our relationship looks like to others. And our children also care and want parents that LOOK to be committed to each other and to the family unit. If that looks like a prison to someone, we are ok with that. We are happy in our little prison.

 

If someone else needs more freedom in their relationship, then that's what they should have. I found someone with needs very similar to my own, and so it works.

[DN]

That's not exactly what I meant. You can have a committed, monogamous relationship without being a paranoid, insecure tyrant. The OP could have said "Oh, sure, honey - take lots of pictures and I can't wait to see you when you get back!" -- because, you know, she trusts him and wants him to experience things.

 

You really can have a monogamous relationship with trust, and not be a tyrant. That's what I'm trying to say.

I think you are being overly dramatic with your depiction of this as a tyrant keeping someone in a prison.

 

The OP expressed her opposition to this but her boyfriend could still have gone. He chose not to.

[Batya33]

I agree but when two adults make a commitment to each other they agree that the benefits of being monogamous and acting in a monogamous way to the world outweigh the benefits of having the option to date or have sex with other people.

 

You see it as possession and insecurity. We see it as the security, comfort and the bonds that grow from that in knowing that you and your partner are a team and looking out for each other's best interests. It's not out of fear or insecurity but the knowledge that giving of yourself to another person in this way benefits each person and the couple.

 

I want my husband to experience everything life has to offer too -- he wants to experience marriage (and monogamy) with me -- so he has chosen not to experience sex with other people or being in "playing with fire" situations. He did this willingly and enthusiastically.

 

There are many situations where people make a choice to restrict one kind of freedom to get another. I wanted to be free of most debt after grad school, so I accepted the restrictions of living with my parents during that time to save money. I didn't get to experience living independently. Same with marriage and other choices people make. Why does that have to be negative?

 

If a person decides they want to experience something that is inconsistent with a commitment, then they have to decide whether the experience or the commitment is more important to them. Why should I sacrifice my personal values and beliefs and best interests so that my partner can go out and have sex with someone else- and why would my partner want me to do so?

[hexaemeron]

Okay, I understand. However, the bolded. Why does "I'd like to go on a trip with my friend" = "You're having sex with that woman!!!!!!!!!!"

 

I mean... really? Besides, playing with fire... that's a very slippery slope there. Your husband looks at the grocery store checkout woman. That's playing with fire, right? Maybe he desires her. Where do we draw the line?

[hexaemeron]

I think you are being overly dramatic with your depiction of this as a tyrant keeping someone in a prison.

 

The OP expressed her opposition to this but her boyfriend could still have gone. He chose not to.

 

Because she made it clear that she believes leaving her to go on a trip with his friend was disrespectful to her.

[DN]

Because she made it clear that she believes leaving her to go on a trip with his friend was disrespectful to her.

Which she has an absolute right to do.

 

Your analogy with the check-out girl is not a good one. It's the old 'slippery slope' argument. But it's a long journey from looking at someone attractive to having sex with them. Staying for three nights in the same bedroom on holiday is much too close to the end of that journey than most SO's would reasonably be comfortable with.

[hexaemeron]

Which she has an absolute right to do.

 

Your analogy with the check-out girl is not a good one. It's the old 'slippery slope' argument. But it's a long journey from looking at someone attractive to having sex with them. Staying for three nights in the same bedroom on holiday is much too close to the end of that journey than most SO's would reasonably be comfortable with.

 

I guess I just expect better of people then. If someone says she trusts her partner, then it shouldn't be an issue. Unless we're saying "Oh yes, I trust you completely.....until any situation pops up requiring that trust."

 

And this seems to be one of those situations.

[DN]

I guess I just expect better of people then. If someone says she trusts her partner, then it shouldn't be an issue. Unless we're saying "Oh yes, I trust you completely.....until any situation pops up requiring that trust."

 

And this seems to be one of those situations.

That's like me saying "Hex, I expected better of you than being OK with a partner having sex with someone else'"

[hexaemeron]

That's like me saying "Hex, I expected better of you than being OK with a partner having sex with someone else'"

 

You would not be the first person to say those words to me, DN. Besides, it's different.

 

I'm saying that if the OP says she trusts her boyfriend, then TRUST the BOYFRIEND. I think it's hypocritical and facile to say out of one side of your mouth "Oh, sure I totally trust you" and then when a situation arises where that currency of trust could be used positively, "Oh, no I really don't trust you."

 

Either you do, or you don't. Pick one and stay there.