BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend

[DN]

You would not be the first person to say those words to me, DN. Besides, it's different.

 

I'm saying that if the OP says she trusts her boyfriend, then TRUST the BOYFRIEND. I think it's hypocritical and facile to say out of one side of your mouth "Oh, sure I totally trust you" and then when a situation arises where that currency of trust could be used positively, "Oh, no I really don't trust you."

 

Either you do, or you don't. Pick one and stay there.

You are making this an "either/or" situation and that is just not realistic in human relationships over issues like this.

 

You can certainly trust someone's intentions but know that alcohol plus exotic location plus easy opportunity can lead to a partner's judgment being impaired. There are too many instances of partners saying after cheating with less opportunity and then saying "I didn't mean to, I got carried away and it just happened" for people to be comfortable with a situation like this.

[Miss Firecracker]

He has insulted you terribly by telling the woman you are a jealous hag too. That would end it for me, over any of the other. And him coming home tipsy after being with that woman and telling off on you makes me nauseated. I just get a feeling he isn't a nice guy.

[hexaemeron]

You are making this an "either/or" situation and that is just not realistic in human relationships over issues like this.

 

You can certainly trust someone's intentions but know that alcohol plus exotic location plus easy opportunity can lead to a partner's judgment being impaired. There are too many instances of partners saying after cheating with less opportunity and then saying "I didn't mean to, I got carried away and it just happened" for people to be comfortable with a situation like this.

 

See, I guess that's where my disconnect is. If I trust someone, there is no "but" for me. If I have a but, then I don't trust you. For me, it really is that binary.

[DN]

See, I guess that's where my disconnect is. If I trust someone, there is no "but" for me. If I have a but, then I don't trust you. For me, it really is that binary.

But then, you don't have to trust a partner in this instance because you don't care if he has sex with someone else anyway. Perhaps if you did care your view might be different.

[hexaemeron]

But then, you don't have to trust a partner in this instance because you don't care if he has sex with someone else anyway. Perhaps if you did care your view might be different.

 

I'd dislike being lied to. If he said it wasn't going to happen, and he felt he couldn't trust me to know that, that would bother me. It just seems so... hypocritical to me. I mean, I know, I know... "human nature" and all that. Sure.

 

But isn't the point of life to learn to grow positively PAST lots of those human nature pitfalls? Not indulge them and say "Oh well, everyone else is broken, so I can be too?"

[DN]

I'd dislike being lied to. If he said it wasn't going to happen, and he felt he couldn't trust me to know that, that would bother me. It just seems so... hypocritical to me. I mean, I know, I know... "human nature" and all that. Sure.

 

But isn't the point of life to learn to grow positively PAST lots of those human nature pitfalls? Not indulge them and say "Oh well, everyone else is broken, so I can be too?"

 

Sure thing.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Ever had relationship issues or a break up?

[hexaemeron]

Sure thing.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Ever had relationship issues or a break up?

 

 

 

Yup. Mostly people behaving like this and me making bad choices in response to their addled, bizarre behavior.

[DN]

Yup. Mostly people behaving like this and me making bad choices in response to their addled, bizarre behavior.

When you got together with them did you trust them not to behave like that?

[Miss Firecracker]

But isn't the point of life to learn to grow positively PAST lots of those human nature pitfalls? Not indulge them and say "Oh well, everyone else is broken, so I can be too?"

 

Everything is Broken.

[hexaemeron]

When you got together with them did you trust them not to behave like that?

 

No. I realize I'm in the minority on how I feel. Doesn't make it any less sad or depressing, though.

[karvala]

Am I the illogical one here? Maybe i am just more of an clingy person than I think I am...please help!

 

Don't let him fool you into thinking that. As the last six pages will have hopefully told you, you are the not the unusual on here. His request would be, for the vast majority of people, unacceptable. I have a simple rule of thumb: would my parents do it (or other similar couple if your parents are no longer around or together)? The answer in this case is: absolutely not. Can you imagine your father going off to Spain and sharing a hotel room with a woman who's going through marital difficulties? You can see how absurd it is.

 

There are good reasons to mistrust someone in that situation given that opportunity is the number one determining factor in infidelity. Of course people would prefer to believe that it's purely personality, and if someone's either going to cheat then it will definitely happen regardless of circumstances, and otherwise they'll never cheat even if you stick a naked and attractive man/woman right in front of them, but I live in the real world where the evidence shows clearly that this is not the case. Opportunity DOES matter a huge amount in determining whether or not cheating will happen, like it or not.

 

It isn't just a trust issue, though, but also one of respect and shared experience. Even if there were some magical way to guarantee he wouldn't be tempted to cheat throughout the whole time, he's still sharing an experience that most partners would like to see reserved for them. Of course some people will think this is restrictive, and indeed it is, but that's the point: a relationship is defined by the things you do with one special individual and none other. If you do all the same things with friends that do with you with your partner, then it's scarcely meaningful to call it a relationship at all. What's special about it, if you'll do anything with anyone or are happy to see your partner do anything with anyone?

 

I think you should make it clear to your partner that not only should he not go, but that you are very disappointed that he'd even consider it. Don't make it about him giving into you, make it about him not showing your relationship the respect it deserves and find out why.

[hexaemeron]

Achso... so it's about feeling special. -- This all makes a lot more sense now. I still don't agree with, well, any of what you wrote, but I understand why you're writing it.

[FreedomRing]

He has insulted you terribly by telling the woman you are a jealous hag too. That would end it for me, over any of the other. And him coming home tipsy after being with that woman and telling off on you makes me nauseated. I just get a feeling he isn't a nice guy.

 

This^^^^^. What an insult all the way around. I would not want to be with a guy who even considered this idea. It certainly does appear that you two have different perspectives with regard to respect and boundaries while in a committed relationship. You can't really get mad at the "friend" for her behavior, because he allows it, and doesn't see the harm. It's him you've got the real issue with.

 

In truth, this would be a very easy decision for me....go on the trip, have a good life, and i'm outta here! easy...like someone else said...it says something about his character if the only reason he wouldn't go on the trip is if it weren't free....gross.. very disgusting..this whole thing.

[camerainaction]

See, I guess that's where my disconnect is. If I trust someone, there is no "but" for me. If I have a but, then I don't trust you. For me, it really is that binary.

 

Are you my boyfriend?

I think what it comes down to in the end is that he is a very binary person. These are his views. He can either trust or he does not trust. In his mind, if he trusts then he doesn't care what the person does, even if it is questionable in appearance.

 

I, like the majority of people here and out there in the real world, am not a binary person. I trust but in shades. I believe in boundaries, setting boundaries, and what constitutes as inappropriate invasion of boundaries. These are concepts that are foreign to my bf and to you.

 

I don't know what the solution is. I know he loves me and does genuinely try most of the times but he will stand up for his binary beliefs like this, and that is a hurdle we will never get over....

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough now is it

[DN]

Well, he has already compromised his beliefs for you and if that is not enough and you are intending to break up with him over this then do it now so that he can at least go on the trip. Because to do otherwise would be really unfair.

[Mimori]

No one here is claiming they want to keep a leash on their husband and not trust him, there is just certain “respect” lines that shouldn’t be crossed, it’s common sense to avoid situations where temptation can get the better of you, or even so, the underlying problem of him not expecting her wishes. I doubt she keeps track of his every move, that isn’t the problem… That’s an excuse men and women use alike when they want a more “open relationship” to where they can do as they please, but still have you waiting for them when they return.

 

Consider the amount of divorce rates in this country, and then consider how many occurred because the spouse cheated. It’s not too hard to understand why women are so worried about their men (and even vice versa). Temptations are everywhere… when you aren’t comfortable with something, you naturally assume your partner will support your decision and try to understand (and comprehend) why you feel that way.

 

Granted, a lot has to do with our own self esteem, and whats happened to us in the past. But there is always a natural respect you should have to your significant other and your spouse.

 

Like Mis Firecracker said, if you believe marriage is a prison then it isn’t for you. But a marriage should be bound between two people, and they should EACH respect each others decisions. I highly doubt she’s asking that he never hang out with her, she’s simply bothered by the fact that this woman, a close female friend, is asking him to go to spain (Europe)…which is usually a romantic getaway spot for couples, to stay in the SAME room, go touring with her, etc. That isn’t something that couples do, not close friends. If more people were going, or if they had separate rooms then the situation could be different.

 

But what he’s asking of her is wrong, it’s as if he’s asking her if he can go vacation, without his spouse, to spend time with someone elses spouse where she could be bringing her husband…not someone elses husband. Common sense would tell you the situation screams temptation and “red flags”… the OP has every reason to be uncomfortable with it… It’s not a question completely about trust, it’s a question concerning morals and respect… IMO

[hexaemeron]

So... if this were a male friend, you'd feel exactly the same?

[Batya33]

So... if this were a male friend, you'd feel exactly the same?

 

Why does it strike you as so problematic to stay away from "playing with fire" situations when you have chosen to be in a committed, monogamous relationship? It's not about trust - same as a dieter choosing not to keep junk food around the house - in a perfect world she should have the discipline not to indulge but why play with fire?

[hexaemeron]

Why does it strike you as so problematic to stay away from "playing with fire" situations when you have chosen to be in a committed, monogamous relationship? It's not about trust - same as a dieter choosing not to keep junk food around the house - in a perfect world she should have the discipline not to indulge but why play with fire?

 

Because it is not my job to pander to someone else's irrational insecurities. I don't care if you are my partner or not. If I treat you as an equal, I expect the same in return.

[DN]

Because it is not my job to pander to someone else's irrational insecurities. I don't care if you are my partner or not. If I treat you as an equal, I expect the same in return.

There is the difference between you and most everyone else. Most people don't see having an objection to this as irrational insecurity. And this has nothing to do with equality.

[hexaemeron]

There is the difference between you and most everyone else. Most people don't see having an objection to this as irrational insecurity. And this has nothing to do with equality.

 

Would you want to be actively curtailed in what you could do, who you could speak to, where you could go by your partner? That's something you do to a child, not a partner.

 

That's why it's an equality issue for me. I'm an adult and I prefer to be treated as such.

[DN]

Would you want to be actively curtailed in what you could do, who you could speak to, where you could go by your partner? That's something you do to a child, not a partner.

 

That's why it's an equality issue for me. I'm an adult and I prefer to be treated as such.

Again you are taking this to an extreme and that doesn't help your case. No one has suggested anything like that.

[hexaemeron]

Again you are taking this to an extreme and that doesn't help your case. No one has suggested anything like that.

 

I don't think it's extreme. If a friend wanted me to go on a trip together , I would feel upset if my partner pitched a fit about it.

[karvala]

Would you want to be actively curtailed in what you could do, who you could speak to, where you could go by your partner? That's something you do to a child, not a partner.

 

That's why it's an equality issue for me. I'm an adult and I prefer to be treated as such.

 

No, that's something you do to a partner as well. A relationship comes with responsibilities as well as privileges, and responsibilities implies limitations. Anything goes = no commitment.

[karvala]

I don't think it's extreme. If a friend wanted me to go on a trip together , I would feel upset if my partner pitched a fit about it.

 

And if a friend wanted you to sleep with him (in both senses), would you feel upset if you partner pitched a fit about that? What aspects of your potential behaviour can your partner legitimately feel upset about in your view?