BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend

[Curious_Girl]

I am so sorry for what your ex did. But the thing is, we are ALL going on faith and trust.

 

...

 

But in the meantime, I'm not going to miss the beauty of this journey, because I've got my nose buried in the map, looking for that damned ugly bridge....

 

I guess I am still sad - and somewhat bitter - that I will never have that innocent trust again. I wish I could, and I don't want to take that into another R, but I'm afarid I will.

 

Gosh, I have tears in my eyes as I write this! I didn't realize this was bothering me so much, after almost 5 years. I have met someone really special now, and I'm scared to death.

[FarthestEdge]

I guess I am still sad - and somewhat bitter - that I will never have that innocent trust again. I wish I could, and I don't want to take that into another R, but I'm afarid I will.

 

Gosh, I have tears in my eyes as I write this! I didn't realize this was bothering me so much, after almost 5 years. I have met someone really special now, and I'm scared to death.

 

There's no need to be scared. You've already faced the nightmare and you survived. This is the thing. EVEN if your trust is betrayed, you WILL get through it, and you CAN love and trust again. It's a choice you make.

 

NO, no one wants to suffer the pain of infidelity, and I am sure that once is more than enough...but at the same time, wouldn't it be a shame if the ONLY time you truly let yourself love and be loved was the time it ended in pain and betrayal?

 

I guess to me, it's just worth the risk. I get that to some it'd be like "I jumped out of a plane once, and my chute didn't open- I survived it, but there's no WAY I'm jumping out of a plane again"'. It makes sense, and it is a perfectly understanable position....

 

Except this time, someone else is packing the chute...It might be a REALLY exhilarating experience to overcome your fears and face them head on to feel that wind in your face again...

 

(Strange analogy for me, considering I will never jump out a perfectly good plane....but I think my point remains...)

 

See for me, it's not an 'innocent trust'. It's a logical decision that I am happier when I chose to trust, and I feel free to trust. Because I fully believe that even if I were betrayed, while it would be horribly painful, brutal and pound on my self-esteem, that in the end, I believe I could get up, dust myself off, and find a new way to be happy.

[Curious_Girl]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.

 

NO, no one wants to suffer the pain of infidelity, and I am sure that once is more than enough...but at the same time, wouldn't it be a shame if the ONLY time you truly let yourself love and be loved was the time it ended in pain and betrayal?

 

This is something that I keep telling myself - my ex ruined enough years of my life; I don't want to give him anymore. I don't want to miss out on something beautiful and amazing b/c of what I went through with him.

 

 

I believe I could get up, dust myself off, and find a new way to be happy.

 

I'm really not sure I could. It almost destroyed me. I have worked a lot on why I chose him in the first place, and have dealt with the emotional abuse that I went through with him (unrelated to the infidelity), so I guess I am stronger. Still, to go through it again...I just don't know if I would make it.

[geekgirl4]

I've been following this thread since the beginning and after reading many posts, finally agree that it is a better trust to let your SO go on the trip. BUT, I think it's understandable that OP is feeling uncomfortable because of the circumstances surrounding the trip:

 

1) the married friend is going through marriage troubles

2) the SO let the married friend backtalk OP

 

But trust is still trust and she should let him go. I would say differently if he wanted to go to a strip club or a red light district, but he seems more excited about the prospect of going to a foreign place. If he loves her, nothing will go on during the trip. If something does happen, then he's a fool and idiot and OP saved herself future years of being with a douche.

 

I still think the SO should still understand why OP is uncomfortable, due to the circumstances. This thread has been very interesting and opened my eyes on the topic of trust

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

But trust is still trust and she should let him go.

 

I would say differently if he wanted to go to a strip club or a red light distric

 

These statements contradict one another. If trust is trust, it would include strip clubs and red light districts. The OP would have to believe and, well, trust that he would never disrespect her under any circumstances and it is clear this is not the case.

[hexaemeron]

These statements contradict one another. If trust is trust, it would include strip clubs and red light districts. The OP would have to believe and, well, trust that he would never disrespect her under any circumstances and it is clear this is not the case.

 

I agree. Trust is trust is trust.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think we should all pull our pants down and put our privates half an inch apart. Trust is trust, after all.

 

Friends should be as close as they possibly can, just to prove to themselves how strong they are.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Trust me, I wouldn't be thrilled about my boyfriend going to a strip club or taking a two week vacation with a shady married woman in Spain, but I trust that he wouldn't even consider it because he shares my beliefs about boundaries.

 

If he suddenly did want to go hang out in the red light district with his buddies, I would have to reconsider our compatibility but it would be futile to say "NO! You cannot do this!! How could you??"

 

He will only grow to resent me... resentment and fear of reproach turns into lies.

[hexaemeron]

I think we should all pull our pants down and put our privates half an inch apart. Trust is trust, after all.

 

Friends should be as close as they possibly can, just to prove to themselves how strong they are.

 

Sure! When and where? Please just give me a few days to get to a tanning bed. I don't want to blind anyone.

[karvala]

I think we should all pull our pants down and put our privates half an inch apart. Trust is trust, after all.

 

Friends should be as close as they possibly can, just to prove to themselves how strong they are.

 

LOL, I was acutally amused at the juxtaposition of this thread and this one in which many people were arguing that the OP couldn't really expect not be groped even after specifically forbidding any sexual contact because apparently you can't be in a potentially intimate situation with someone without giving in to temptation!

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The problem in this thread is the same as the problem in that thread: these may not be people who should be in coupledom together, it really has little to do with temptation and forbidding this or that.

[Miss Firecracker]

LOL, I was acutally amused at the juxtaposition of this thread and this one in which many people were arguing that the OP couldn't really expect not be groped even after specifically forbidding any sexual contact because apparently you can't be in a potentially intimate situation with someone without giving in to temptation!

 

I almost groped the washing machine today. You know, the spin cycle?

[FarthestEdge]

LOL, I was acutally amused at the juxtaposition of this thread and this one in which many people were arguing that the OP couldn't really expect not be groped even after specifically forbidding any sexual contact because apparently you can't be in a potentially intimate situation with someone without giving in to temptation!

 

I see your point, but the other thread referred to a *boyfriend* who the OP had been proposed to by, was in the habit of showering with, etc...

 

I don't see anywhere HERE where it is indicated that the OP's bf and this girl are in a romantic relationship, showering together, or planning a future together...

 

There is an implied intimacy to coupledom. But simply BEING male and female does not automatically imply intimacy....As someone said on one of these threads "to say it's comparing apples to oranges, is an insult to fruit" (loved this quote, btw...)

 

In this thread, I think ISH is bang on- it's about values/boundaries that are too far apart to be bridged within a relationship. Nothing wrong with either POV in isolation, the only problem is they don't share the same values on this issue....

 

The OP asked for advice, if she wants to continue the relationship, the only choice she has is how SHE responds to the situation. Given his POV on the topic, she can continue to emphasize their differences by holding fast that SHE is RIGHT, or she can try his way, and extend some trust - even if it pushes outside her comfort zone...

 

Her choice. If HE were here asking for advice, my replies on the topic would be somewhat different...because I'd be advising him what I thought HE could do to deal with the situation without sabotaging his relationship...

 

Plus trust, is such an interesting topic in general....one that many of us have or continue to struggle with.

[geekgirl4]

Ah. What I meant by comparing trust in letting him go to a foreign country and trust in letting him go to a red light district/strip club was more of intent. For the foreign country, he was going so he could gain a new experience and have fun. What reason would someone go to a red light district if not for rather shady reasons (scouring scantily clad girls on purpose). Or, well, perhaps he's making a documentary ; ) If OP trust her SO loves her, then the foreign trip is a no brainer. But trusting the SO to purposely go to a red light district sheds a rather odd light on his intentions. Hmm, perhaps this is more of an intent issue than a trust issue.

[BriarRose]

Trust? What about RESPECT ? To even consider going on a vacation, in the SAME hotel room, to an exotic, sundrenched locale (or not) with a member of the opposite sex - who is unhappily married - crosses that line of respect. If he goes on this trip, he has no respect for OP, IMO. He might as well be single.

[benb]

Just wanted to throw some perspective on this, because I've been there. A few months ago my wife told me she wanted to go on a vacation to somewhere quite exotic with this close male friend of hers. Not only that, but he would be paying for the whole thing.

 

Naturally I objected. We got into a bit of an argument about this with her accusing me of not being trusting and "of course nothing would happen". I told her I felt very strongly that she should not go and she reluctantly agreed.

 

I found out two weeks ago that she's been having an affair with this man for four months or so. We have separated.

 

She's going on the trip.

[hexaemeron]

Trust? What about RESPECT ? To even consider going on a vacation, in the SAME hotel room, to an exotic, sundrenched locale (or not) with a member of the opposite sex - who is unhappily married - crosses that line of respect. If he goes on this trip, he has no respect for OP, IMO. He might as well be single.

 

This answer honestly confuses me. What exactly is he respecting by not going, or not respecting by going?

[Miss Firecracker]

Just wanted to throw some perspective on this, because I've been there. A few months ago my wife told me she wanted to go on a vacation to somewhere quite exotic with this close male friend of hers. Not only that, but he would be paying for the whole thing.

 

Naturally I objected. We got into a bit of an argument about this with her accusing me of not being trusting and "of course nothing would happen". I told her I felt very strongly that she should not go and she reluctantly agreed.

 

I found out two weeks ago that she's been having an affair with this man for four months or so. We have separated.

 

She's going on the trip.

 

I am happy you found out now instead of years later. Now that she's free to go, she won't enjoy the trip. The fun was jerking you around. Now she will be all crabby with her boyfriend...poor guy. Don't you feel sad for him?

[DN]

This answer honestly confuses me. What exactly is he respecting by not going, or not respecting by going?

His own common sense.

[benb]

Don't you feel sad for him?

 

This is one of the things that keeps me sane. In the end, I know that people never really change unless THEY want to do so. I'm sure he's pretty happy now, but pretty soon he'll have to deal with all the same crap I did. The nearly constant mopyness, the inexplicable mood swings, and all of that.

 

I wish him well.

[Fortyonesixty]

I really don't see the problem tbh. This winter I went up north to go on anice climbing trip, I went with a girl my age, a married guy and a married woman, and they werent married to each other. Maybe this type of trip is different, as people usually don't have a high sex drive after walking through the woods and climbing ice all day, but it really is all about trust. If the person loved their SO, they'd go on the trip or do whatever, and go through with it without a hitch. If they themselves wanted something 'more' and ended up doing something with the person they went on the trip with, who's to say they wouldn't have done it anyway, regardless of going away together on a trip?

 

But I really don't see how it is inappropriate? If the person I was with had an issue with me going somewhere with a friend of the opposite sex, especially one who I knew before the relationship had started, the person I'd be seeing would probably be getting the boot.