He wants me to trust him (female friend related)

[GrowingUp]

My boyfriend would do anything for me he does do anything for me. He has a female friend that he met a couple years ago. I guess she's nice but for whatever reason I am very jealous of her. He doesn't put her before me or anything but I just don't like her for whatever reason. I don't even know what the reason is...I just don't like her all that much. I thought they were flirting with each other when they met but they werent when they first met they were just friends they lived in the same apartment complex and so since then I guess I have some type of insecurity. He says that he thinks its unfair for me to try and control him and that I should trust him because he loves me with all his heart and he would never cheat on me and stuff. I tried to test him and ask him if he would be okay if we all hung out and he said why would he care, he wouldn't mind...but I don't want to hang out with her at all because I don't like her. Also they don't talk everyday or anything, he doesn't go see her often at all he just said that sometimes she will call to say hi or to swing by to say hi and then thats when I get all upset and angry. I want to be okay with it because I love him..he thinks I want to control him he kept saying it (I guess I am kinda controlling sometimes) I don't know how to deal with this. She has a boyfriend too and he said she is a cool person blah blah blah. I feel so weird I don't know what to do anymore.

[alli]

I think you should trust him until he gives you a reason not to. You sound like a smart person. You recognize your jealousy of their friendship but realize it is completely irrational. You should also recognize that severe, unwarranted jealousy is one of the best ways to break down a relationship, fast. Maybe that will give you the motivation to try to get over your negative feelings toward her.

 

Can you relate their friendship to any of your platonic male friends? How would you feel if your bf threw a fit every time your male friend said hi, even though you've never been anything but friends?

[GrowingUp]

I don't really have many friends I mostly hang out with family (I have a lot of sisters and cousins) He told me he doesn't mind if I have male friends but I mean I guess I would be sad if he tried to tell me who to be friends with. I feel sad I guess because he met her while we were together...I don't even know if that matters but he says they are just friends and he is not attracted to her I can't get it through my thick skull. What do I do? He has talked to me about this so many times and I just keep feeling jealous. What is wrong with me?

[Haunt3d]

Wow your situation sounds just like mine. Except reversed. Ive been in a relationship for just over two years now and she is very jealous of me having female friends. She overreacts to the point where it hinders some aspects of our relationship and causes us to lash out of each other. In my opinion. It is better to be single.

[alli]

I don't really have many friends I mostly hang out with family (I have a lot of sisters and cousins) He told me he doesn't mind if I have male friends but I mean I guess I would be sad if he tried to tell me who to be friends with. I feel sad I guess because he met her while we were together...I don't even know if that matters but he says they are just friends and he is not attracted to her I can't get it through my thick skull. What do I do? He has talked to me about this so many times and I just keep feeling jealous. What is wrong with me?

 

What if you tried to develop a friendship with her? Then maybe you would see her as a person and not just as a threat. I'm sure it would be painful & something you wouldn't want to do. But you never know. What if just you & her hung out?

[GrowingUp]

I told him that its better to be single (when I was mad) and he said that he couldn't believe that I am willing to risk a great future and love together over something like that. I then go back and say that he is choosing the girl over me...I mean he does everything for me so why won't he get rid of her? He says he won't get rid of her because she is just his friend and that I need to believe him and stop trying to control him..then we go around in the circle again. I love him a lot because he is always there for me and he loves me so much but this things I can't get my way on is bothering me because I feel like he is choosing her...he said HE IS NOT CHOOSING HER. Its so confusing the conversations we have.

[GrowingUp]

What if you tried to develop a friendship with her? Then maybe you would see her as a person and not just as a threat. I'm sure it would be painful & something you wouldn't want to do. But you never know. What if just you & her hung out?

 

When I stayed over his house for awhile she tried to be friends with me (before he and her met) she was really really nice and friendly. But it doesn't change how I feel about her..I see her as a b word lol. I know she probably is not a b word but I guess my jealousy is taking over me!

[alli]

When I stayed over his house for awhile she tried to be friends with me (before he and her met) she was really really nice and friendly. But it doesn't change how I feel about her..I see her as a b word lol. I know she probably is not a b word but I guess my jealousy is taking over me!

 

Wait.. so you met her before your bf did & you still didn't like her? Why do you think you perceive her as a witch when she was very nice to you? Do you think she is kind of a backstabber or do you think she's genuinly nice?

[GrowingUp]

Yeah I communicated with her before my boyfriend did....then they met soon after. I am more of a loner so I kinda pushed her away. She would always invite us over for wine or try to hang out with us...I guess she is just REALLY FRIENDLY. Not touchy feely friendly..just friendly. My boyfriend used to hang out with a few guys that lives next door to him and since she is so friendly she would stop by and hang out with them too so thats how they all became friends. I don't know if she is a backstabber...she really hasn't done anything that I know of but I kinda feel like she knows that I don't like her hanging out with my boyfriend and she doesn't care. I don't know....I mean if he knows I don't like her shouldn't he get rid of her? We have been together for like 5 years...I'm confused.

[In the Dark]

You're jealousy is simple.

She is a woman.

 

This will be trying for you I am sure and trying on the relationship.

 

My ex was the same as you but worse.

She was even jealous of my gay male friends and I'm straight.

 

Guess what happened?

We broke up.

 

You know why?

 

She is bi and her best friend is bi, did I complain?

No.

 

Did she abuse my trust and damage it all together?

Yes.

 

If you notice any behavioral changes as in mannerisms.

You may have the right to be a bit suspicious but, right now......no.

[GrowingUp]

I'm posting it here because I want to feel okay with it...I want to know how to feel okay with it or if I should walk away. I don't really wanna walk away but I don't want to make the wrong decision. He said he loves me and he wants to get married soon...I need to figure out how to handle this I guess.

[GrowingUp]

Also another reason I am posting this is because he actually started to shed a few tears because I asked him if he would have sex with her and stuff. He said that I insult him when I say that because he DOES EVERYTHING to make me happy and he can't believe that I would think he would hurt me in that way. He actually cried. I felt horrible.

[hers]

He sounds like a good guy who has no reason to be distrusted. She sounds like a friendly girl who isn't after your boyfriend. Your mind can do crazy things when it's feeling jealous. The only thing you can do is condition your mind differently. When you start feeling jealous, say "I have nothing to feel jealous about". When you start to picture scenarios in your mind, picture your future with your boyfriend instead. Picture what you want with him: wedding, house, kids, vacations. Let your mind convince itself again of your happiness. It's difficult at first but it's possible.

[karvala]

.I mean if he knows I don't like her shouldn't he get rid of her? We have been together for like 5 years...I'm confused.

 

That's exactly the thinking that is keeping you in this situation, and if left unchecked could eventually result in you losing your bf altogether. You've turned it into a test, a power struggle, "if he loves me, he'll do what I want him to do, regardless of what he wants himself". That's poisonous to a relationship. Imagine if he started to do the same to you, over something that's important to you and that you feel entitled to keep.

 

He's entitled to have friendships with females, and if he's never given you a serious reason to doubt him, after five years you should be able to trust him around other women.

 

For the sake of your relationship, you *must* first accept that your demand is unreasonable, that he isn't prioritising her over you or anything like that, but that he shouldn't have to give up his friendship with her just because you want it. Once you realise that, and stop trying to achieve that, I suspect you'll feel better, and he'll feel better, and things might improve then. You might even eventually be able to become friends with her.

 

Honestly, I know you feel terribly uncomfortable in this situation, and you're looking to your bf to make you feel better by doing what you want him to, but he's actually doing the right thing for both of you by resisting. If he gave in, he'd resent you forever and your relationship would probably not recover. Don't control, don't test, don't emotionally blackmail. They will destroy the thing you value most.

[hers]

this is very wonderful advice. karvala is right--your boyfriend is doing the right thing by not giving in to you by getting rid of her. i respect him for not letting you have that sort of power over him.

[In the Dark]

Married huh?

I think he has made his intentions clear.

 

You just need to get used to it, let go, take a deep breath open up and trust.

 

It isn't going to happen over night, just make sure he knows you are jealous and you don't want to be.

[hers]

i see that you struggled witht his for quite some time, by reading your previous threads. in your thread where you were concerned about his female roommate, you even said he's never at his house, he's always with you. has that changed since you wrote that? do you have any reason to distrust him still with that situation?

 

you can't make assumptions in your head out to be truth. that's not how life works. you can't predict the future nor can you read others' minds. you have to stop pretending you can.

[NightLily]

I'm not going to tell you it is nothing. In my past case because I had been cheated on before, people just told me I was being insecure and it was my problem. Turned out he was cheating on me and I'm not an insecure person in that respect. I had reasons to be insecure and saw the warning signs but blamed myself.

 

I would just ask yourself if you can honestly say that you aren't seeing these red flags. Is there something making you feel this? List everything you can think about and be critical about it.

 

It is also possible you see her as secure and as a better catch and so you feel he will leave you for her.

[GrowingUp]

I agree with you but what about this? What if I ask him to hang out with me on a certain day or on a weekend day or something and he says that he is going to hang out with her or something like that? What do I do then? It hasn't happened yet but I feel like I should be prepared for it and I'm scared because if he says that he can't hang out with me because he already has plans with her or something like that I will feel like pure crap. What do I do then?

[alli]

I agree with you but what about this? What if I ask him to hang out with me on a certain day or on a weekend day or something and he says that he is going to hang out with her or something like that? What do I do then? It hasn't happened yet but I feel like I should be prepared for it and I'm scared because if he says that he can't hang out with me because he already has plans with her or something like that I will feel like pure crap. What do I do then?

 

Why are you putting so much effort into worrying about something that hasn't happened?

[GrowingUp]

Because we broke up briefly because of my jealousy, he told me he missed me a lot and feels that I am the woman for him and he wanted me to be his girlfriend but I really needed to stop picking fights and assuming things. I'm afraid it will happen when he decided he wants to hang out with her. It might cause us to break up again if I throw a fit if he hangs out with her. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm jumbling up my thoughts and can't get them out properly right now.

[NightLily]

I really would like to know if you can think of any rational reasons for this so we can figure out if it is purely your emotional state that needs to be worked on or also something outside of that.

[GrowingUp]

Well I gave you all the information, I don't know what else I can tell you. I just don't understand why he needs a female friend and why he made a female friend while being in a relationship. Its odd to me. I'm trying to understand properly.

[NightLily]

Well I gave you all the information, I don't know what else I can tell you. I just don't understand why he needs a female friend and why he made a female friend while being in a relationship. Its odd to me. I'm trying to understand properly.

 

Ok so I take that to mean it is your own mind playing against you here. Is it possible you are obsessing over this? Making it very difficult for you to not react emotionally because of your obsession? I know what it is like to get trapped in this hole of inner turmoil. He has made it clear that he wants you though. You guys broke up and he came back. IF he was into her, wouldn't be have taken the chance? Or do you think it is only because SHE has a boyfriend that he doesn't make a move? Is that your worry?

[GrowingUp]

no I don't its because she has a boyfriend, I just don't like her because she befriended my boyfriend.