He wants me to trust him (female friend related)

[greywolf]

Well I gave you all the information, I don't know what else I can tell you. I just don't understand why he needs a female friend and why he made a female friend while being in a relationship. Its odd to me. I'm trying to understand properly.

 

What's wrong with him having a female friend? Do you only have one female friend, or do you have several?

[GrowingUp]

I mostly hang out with my sisters and my cousins, the only females that I associate with are mainly co workers and we aren't close at all. I mean I just want to feel okay about it, I don't know how though...its hard.

[hers]

who is it that you think needs to change here? you? him? both of you together?

 

if you change, you become more secure and less jealous.

if he changes, he loses a dear friend and resents you.

if you both change, you both get what?

[GrowingUp]

If we both change he loses his dear friend, I just don't understand whats so dear about her. I guess I might just be being stubborn. He sometimes makes it seem like he just doesn't want me controlling him... I don't know..I know I don't like how I feel though, thats for sure. I want to be more secure but its harder than I thought.

[hers]

Of course he doesn't want you controlling him. Wouldn't you?

[GrowingUp]

Yeah you're right, no one wants anyone controlling them. God its so hard because he keeps telling me he loves me and he wants the best for me. I guess I need to just try to forget about this, I do think I might be obsessed about it.

[NightLily]

It depends on the degree but you could be suffering from anxiety or minor OCD. Nearly everybody can be diagnosed with something so it can just be a trait or temporary state versus a disorder.

 

But some of the same techniques can apply. If you feel yourself becoming very anxious, try laying down in a dark room if you can, breathe in to the count of ten and out at slowly as you can.. counting how long. Do this maybe 10 times. Then work from your toes to the top of your head trying to slowly relax every muscle.

 

This won't cure your problem but if you can relax you won't do anything rash to push him away.

[hers]

Forgetting about it won't solve your problem. It'll just take it out of your mind till your mind convinces itself that you have to worry about something else. You have to find a way to solve it.

[GrowingUp]

How would I find a way to solve it? He won't stop being her friend and I don't want to be her friend or try to be her friend. Is there any other way?

[NightLily]

You learn how to be accepting or you break up with him.

[GrowingUp]

I really don't want to break up with him. How do I learn how to be accepting? I probably sound clueless because I kinda am .

[NightLily]

Maybe do some stuff to work on your own self esteem. Do things that will make you feel better about yourself. Remind yourself that she is not a threat to you.

[GrowingUp]

Maybe do some stuff to work on your own self esteem. Do things that will make you feel better about yourself. Remind yourself that she is not a threat to you.

 

thats a good idea, and I used to be on anti depressants but I didn't like the way they made me feel, they made me feel soooo weird. Maybe I need anti anxiety help or something?

[NightLily]

thats a good idea, and I used to be on anti depressants but I didn't like the way they made me feel, they made me feel soooo weird. Maybe I need anti anxiety help or something?

 

Medications aren't the first step. If you want to go the medical route, perhaps try a therapist first and then together you can determine if medications are actually needed.

 

Doing things like a hobby you enjoy, that makes you feel skilled or proud helps.. working out, getting your hair done.. community service of some type. I'm sure there are others.

[hers]

maybe if you try to be her friend, you could see what he likes about her. so far it seems that you don't like her "just because". that's an immature reason, really. accepting and realizing that you're in an adult relationship is the first step. suzy is right--work on your self-esteem and learn what you like about yourself and what you bring to the table in a relationship--your positive traits. medication is the route to take only if you cn't find the help with therapy and self-help and realization.

[GrowingUp]

so do you think befriending her is the only big way I would be able to get over this? Because to be completely honest with you I don't see that happening. I really don't want to hang out with her at all, I don't even want to try to do that...

[hers]

But you see, you haven't had one good reason to dislike her. If you had a reason, like she was trying to get him to cancel plans with you so he could spend time with her, then I wouldn't suggest that. But the only reason you've given is a just because sort of reason--you don't like her just b/c she's friends with your boyfriend. That, to me, isn't a very good or mature reason.

 

Another reason I suggest giving her a chance is b/c of your previous threads about your boyfriend. It seems that you don't trust him with women either way. He has a female roommate. You can't trust him. Nothing he's doing is telling me that he's not trustworthy. It's all quite the opposite. It seems to me also that these women you're jealous of aren't the problem either. They're not giving you reason to distrust him or dislike them. They're simply just there.

 

So that's the reason I suggest befriending her. Instead of sitting in the corner, upset, hurt and angry, you can try to change your attitude in order to become more accepting--taking a step like that will show yourself that you can come to your own conclusions and that you don't need to worry till there's something to worry about. And it will also show your boyfriend that you're willing to change, something I guarantee he'll appreciate and respect. It's a win-win. It may be uncomfortable at first but it's a step in the right direction. Only your attitude is holdng you back. You control that attitude.

[GrowingUp]

omg I looked at her myspace profile and she says something about how she likes to drink, dance, and FU**. What am I supposed to think about that? Ugh I feel like just giving up.

[hers]

B/c myspace profiles reveal a person's true character?

[greywolf]

omg I looked at her myspace profile and she says something about how she likes to drink, dance, and FU**. What am I supposed to think about that? Ugh I feel like just giving up.

 

Don't you like sex? And why are you cyberstalking her? Let it go.

[botticelli]

Hey,

I know everyone here thinks you're overreacting, but I can see your point. Maybe it's because I'm just like you with the jealousy issues. *In my opinion, they are not issues. It's simply a personal preference.*

 

Does he actually specifically hang out with her? If so, does he invite you?

If he does not specifically hang out with her, i don't think you have much to worry about.

 

I know this doesn't seem like the best advice but maybe he isn't the guy for you. This hanging out with girls is something that really bothers you, and you have a right to be bothered by it.. especially since you don't hang out with guy friends.

 

My boyfriend and I have mutually decided that we don't want to associate with people of the opposite gender in a friendly way. We are both the jealous type and very much in love with each other. If you're in it for a life-long commitment, you should find someone who will always put you above everyone else, it is possible.

 

hth

 

Oh, and about the myspace thing. Again, i completely understand. Anyone who publicly posts saying she likes sex (especially in such a vulgar manner) is not someone i would want anywhere near my boyfriend... male or female, but especially female.