she thinks i moved on? help please

[Lost1]

help! me and my girlfriend went out for 10 months before she broke up with me because she "didnt feel the same about me" anymore. Anyway, I heard from some friends that she thinks i've moved on, when in fact i've only done no contact to make her miss me. I'm afraid that this might discourage her from coming back to me. How do i give the feeling that I havn't moved on yet without telling her?

 

i.e. what could my AIM messenger profile name be, what might i put on my site..

[lnxfrkk]

Hey Lost1,

 

My ex dumped me after close to 4 years about 4 months go and probably thinks I've moved on after seeing her about a month ago.I say screw her (my ex) because she doesn't know what she left behind and if she thinks she's coming back.Forget about it.I say move on and who cares if she thinks you moved on.She obviously didn't care when she left you.Why should she come back.Good luck and keep me posted.

[mrd]

2 questions:

How long has it been since you broke up?

How old are you?

 

Well, its obvious you still wanna be with her, and you don't wanna move on. however, you're also able to maintain no contact. this is good. You should continue not contacting her. if she wants to be with you, then she will let you know. however, if she doesnt, you still win because you haven't contacted her, which will only make it easier to move on. basically, you cant lose by not contacting her.

 

If anything, her thinking you're moving on will make her upset/jealous, and if she wants you to not move on she'll try to stop it.

 

If she broke it off, and she has not stated she regrets it or anything similar, then you must accept the current situation. Don't try to manipulate it.

 

Don't put anything in your AIM profile or web site. I sincerely doubt it will accomplish anything.

[xxatti]

She broke up with you. You have to accept that and move on. As I've said before, everyone has to experience heartbreak at one point or another. Its not the end of the world. You'll find somebody else. If she does decide she wants to get back together with you, and you want to take her back (I dont think I would) then make her prove herself to you. Dont just let her walk back into your life.

 

Bottom line, my advice is to forget her and move on.

[raider5]

Hey lost1,

 

There are much better answers out there besides these useless "there are more fish in the sea"/"just move on" posts. Maybe when the veteran posters wake up they'll give you a better answer.

 

But I think they are right on one point: if she really wanted to be with you then she'll try and come back REGARDLESS of the fact that it looks like you've moved on.

 

Sure there is a "tipping point" where they could go either way, but the stronger the love the more they'll want to come back. Being at this tipping point only means that her feelings for you aren't as strong as they could/should be.

 

But if you honestly think she is at that point. Ask yourself, would something change if she thought you think about her? Would she really want to come back. THE ANSWER IS ALMOST ALWAYS NO.

 

But if you have been doing contact for MONTHS and feel as if she still has feelings even after all this time. You can wait it out and see if this reaches a boiling point, or you can contact her. Sure some will say that you're caving in if you're doing this, but if you're good enough to do NC for MONTHS anyways then who cares if you give it one last shot to let her know you're thinking about her. Who knows it could be the catalyst that starts something. Stop thinking of this as some "game" that you have to "win". This is a possible life. Don't play games with your future like that. But here are the requirements.

 

IF YOU HAVEN'T WAITED MONTHS YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN IT ENOUGH TIME. If she's saying this stuff after one week then that doesn't mean anything. If she's saying this after four months then maybe she still misses you.

 

YOU REALLY SHOULD TRY NC OUT TO THE VERY END. It would be much more desirable if she reaches the boiling point before you and calls you. You would be in a much better position if she does the contact and not you.

 

IF YOU CONTACT IT SHOULD BE ONCE AND ONLY ONCE. You won't get anywhere if you keep calling her just to show her that you still think about her.

 

But I really recommend you wait it out longer. But don't think of this as a situation where you have to "save face" and "win." That's @#llsh!%. If it's about love, who the #$@$ cares if you took a dive for her once, and "caved in". In my mind, the fact that you loved her so much shows that you "win" in the end anyways. She just doesn't know what she's missing out on.

 

Good luck

[CC]

lost 1, i must say you are doing very well with not contacting her and not humiliating yourself. well done and i'm sure you will get stronger and stronger about it everyday.

[Michael2]

Nice post Raider. I agree with many of your ideas.

 

The overall jist of this entire idea is the following: Love does not forget. No matter the distance, no matter the time, no matter the circumstances.

 

This is an important test. Do not think of it like a game, as raider had said. No contact, no matter if it is weeks, or months , or even years, will in turn decide wether you two shared a common bond, or a more deeper emotion ; love.

 

This is the thing. Love does not fade. When it is true, it will last a lifetime.

 

You have no say in what she can or will do.THe only faith you truly have is in the love you both experienced. If she does not contact you in the future, then your real true love is still waiting for you, and just imagine how special that love will be.

[caveat]

I don't think it can be summed up better than that, Michael. Well said.

[Lost1]

thanks, to everyone

this site has really helped me out with my problem

and in 17

we've been going out for 10 months

this will be out second week of no contact

 

no contact is really hard but i think i'm doing ok

thanks everyone

[Belle]

Lost,

 

the first month is hard. It gets easier afterwards. It's also very necessary for you to rebuild your self esteem.

 

I agree with Raider's post. I think it is best if she reaches the boiling point first simply because she's the one that supposedly fell out of love.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[Mun]

Try to see how long you can go with NC. If she misses you and wants to come back she will eventually reach out to you. Be strong. Once she does come back and if you think she has changed, you can "conveniently" break up with the one you are seeing now ( wink wink) and ask her out. I know it sounds like a game but it will allow you to save face ( something important to some men ).

 

But again -- see how long you can manage NC and get your emotional state back to a healthy one.

[Lost1]

alrite

she initiated contact with me yesterday on aim

she we talked..

i kept it short and light.. didnt bring up the relationship thing

broke it off with her rather quick. told her i had to go meet some friends

 

and then when i came home today my friend tells me that my ex said love was stupid.. and that she didnt give a damn anymore

 

well really.. i kinda want her back

 

i know she misses me.. she told my friend so, but seriously i don't know if i want her back.. with the heartbreak i've been goin through and all.. but i'm willing to give it another try..

 

sooo.. besically

keep nc for now or turn around and ask her to give it another try

 

thxz for all ur help..

[Lost1]

ok.. so we talked but i think she's afraid of bringing up the relationship topic. how do i make it more comfortable for her to talk to me about our relationship and where we are now? thanks

[raider5]

When is her birthday. Maybe give her a card that says. "No present this year but I think you know that if there's ANYTHING you WANTED OR NEEDED in the world, all you need to do is ask. Don't ever doubt that!"

 

 

NC is still good. Just make every experience positive. I understand that many girls don't want to create conflict and are scared, but the power of love outweighs that. It will come to a point when she can't take it anymore and she'll throw caution to the wind and ask you for a second chance.

 

The more she looks like she wants you to start a conversation about the relationship the more you shouldn't. She shoudl be the one to start this conversation. Espically because she left you.

 

Good luck

[jerwei]

hi,i'm new to this and i would like to join in this discussion too. raider, u mentioned that

 

"The more she looks like she wants you to start a conversation about the relationship the more you shouldn't. She shoudl be the one to start this conversation. Espically because she left you"

 

well,i'm in somewhat a similar situation. my ex broke up with me twice.but both times, i managed to change his mind and we got back together, tho things were never the same again. in the end, not being able to handle the stress (from relationship and uni), i asked to go our separate ways...and so we broke up.that was in feb. so theoretically, i'm the one who left him in the end? would my ex feel that if anything were to happen again, i should initiate it because i left him?

 

things have been quite nasty since.i'v been very emotional while he just gives me the cold shoulder more than half the time and saying the most nasty and hurtful things. things have been abit better lately, hes willing to answer my calls n talk to me.He even told me he has been nicer to me...

 

I have asked him out this weekend to "talk about the relationship".hes agreed to meet up if hes free. so its kinda an open-ended thingie.although i do not know if we would ultimately meet up this weekend, i feel kinda glad that he didnt turn down my offer. I'm feeling a teeny weeny bit hopeful about it, that he'd b willing to listen. Am i giving myself all the wrong signals?

 

And if we do meet up, any suggestion/advice how and wat i can to make the best out of it? its the 1st time we'r meeting up after 3.5 months.

 

thank you for any replies =)

[kain2k]

you know what i agree with that in many ways. Love is love, its not some game. And even if you do look stupid or weak, If you get her back then thats all that matters. If you love someone, you should be weak for them, you should be vunerable to them, because you are. I personally dont even really agree with the no contact rule to begin with. Absense doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow colder. Follow your heart, if you feel in your heart of hearts that calling her is the way to go. Call. If not dont. Its as simple as that.

[Lost1]

but..

i've contacted her before

and she was cold, and kept repeating "its over.. its over.. sorry"

and the second week during no contact.. she tells her friend she misses me

 

i don't want it to be like the first time i contacted her, and i dont want to feel like a fool and go back to her while she says no. Also i don't want to go all the way back to square 1 of NC..

is there any sublte/faint and innocent ways that i can let her know im still interested in us being together?

thanks

[TR]

Lost1...

I imagine that when you contacted her, you were asking her back, right?

Well, if that's the case, it doesn't work, I quickly learned from my experience (and this board). It's a natural first reaction though, so don't worry about what happened.

 

What I would suggest in your case is to slowly initiate a friendship. Maybe spread the story along your common friends that you still miss her and you have a hard time moving on.

See, when you are friends (or at least talk to each other regularly) you can give her little signs that you still love her. In my case, my ex said that she's extremely shocked that I am still a friend with her after she hurt me so much. She said that because I stayed friends with her, she knows that I love her as a human being (basically I am not just in need for her sex or whatever else). And because we are still friends, she still trusts me more and we talk more openly than her current bf. Also, as I said, I don't hide that I still care about her and I can see that she appreciates it. However, I told her that I respect her decision, that I am trying to move on too and I am not asking her back. In fact, she told me that she hopes I will give her another chance if her current relationship doesn't workout. (It's a long story, if you want, read here link removed and here link removed

[tere]

TR,

I'm curious....how do you know when it is appropriate to slowly initiate a friendship? how do you approach to doing it? I'm looking forward to moving on but I really miss him, in fact sometimes I have thought about re-starting as friends because I value him as a person. I know the focus may be different for girls to begin a friendship with the ex... but I'd like to know your opinion

[Michael2]

Take this point to heart.

 

If the main goal of friendship is reconciliation, then this will inevitably fail.

 

You can only be friends with an ex, once you place them outside the realm of lover.

 

Once you are fully healed, which is many cases takes months, can you then initiate friendships. If you are still in love with him, if you still miss him and want to be with him, then friendship will only contribute hurt and disappointment. SOunds grim but that is the way it goes.

[TR]

Take this point to heart.

 

If the main goal of friendship is reconciliation, then this will inevitably fail.

 

You can only be friends with an ex, once you place them outside the realm of lover.

 

Once you are fully healed, which is many cases takes months, can you then initiate friendships. If you are still in love with him, if you still miss him and want to be with him, then friendship will only contribute hurt and disappointment. SOunds grim but that is the way it goes.

 

It all depends... See, she complains about her current bf a lot, things are not as great as they used to be with us, even she says that. So the way I think about it... if I continue being friends with her, she will always know that I am still there for her no matter what. And I am hoping that she will eventually come back. Also, I am doing much better now emotionally and I think that I almost convinced myself that no matter what happens I will stay happy and hopefully friends with her...... Like today... she told me that she's going out with him tonight and I am just fine with that. It DID hurt incredibly just after we broke up, but now I am some what healed I guess. All I know is that I love her and that we are ALWAYS happy when we are together. So even if the love will "fade" a little after a while (mine didn't yet, her's maybe did because of LD relationship), there will always be a connection between us - love deep inside - and we both agree that we will give each other another chance if thee will be an opportunity.

 

TERE... your question is more complicated because you are a girl. IMO, girls are more sensitive to this kind of stuff and they would appreciate/want a friendship more than a guy I guess. If I broke up with her, I would definitely want to still be friends with her. But that's me, a lot of guys on this board are against it...

I guess you can start by contacting him, but DO NOT mention anything about what happened. Just tell him up straight that whatever happened - happened, and that you still want to be in contact because you like him as a great person. If he's a nice guy, he will appreciate it. After that, just do little nice things for him.... help him out if he needs anything, etc.. just like friends. When you have fun with him (and try to have fun), try to smile with that "smile of love", you know what I am talking about? But NEVER push anything on him.

It's just what I think, I am still in the middle of this "process" so I am not sure how it's gonna turn out, but I know that I (at least in my case) am happier with being friends than NC rule. She still makes me extremely happy and a lot of times I can still sense her love towards me.