What my mother doesn't get about older singles dating

[newwave]

My mother keeps insisting that there are 40 year old guys who have never been married or have kids, yet want these. I keep telling her that while there are a few of these guys, they are hard to find. I either find guys with kids or guys who are looking for sex.

 

This conversation started because she questions why I keep waiting for the guy I like to get his act together (if he does). I'm not waiting around if someone comes around, but the reality is the type of guy I want are hard to find. This is why I hope the guy I like does come around. My mother thinks I can do better because he doesn't have a good job and isn't hot. I have to keep telling her that these two things are being picky (job and looks) because these guys are taken right away.

[annie24]

My dad was 48 when he was married for the first time, and i was his first and only child.

 

they are out there, but i agree, they are far and few between. i would just keep looking for someone with similar goals as yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I either find guys with kids or guys who are looking for sex.

 

Yep, that just about sums it up. Many of the already divorced guys with kids are just looking for sex and not for a serious, long-term relationship...or they are not looking to get married again, they just want a "for now" girlfriend to ensure they have a regular sex partner. It really is slim pickings in the forties if you don't want someone with children.

[newwave]

And when I do find a guy who doesn't have kids and doesn't want sex, he has emotional problems, like the guy I like. The sad thing is the guy I like wasn't like this years ago. I could have had him then but didn't want anyone. I am now paying the price because of my bad choices.

[newwave]

My dad was 48 when he was married for the first time, and i was his first and only child.

 

they are out there, but i agree, they are far and few between. i would just keep looking for someone with similar goals as yourself.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how old was your mom? I ask because I'm also seeing these older guys wanting 20something women to boot.

[jul-els]

Speaking as a male in his 40's w/o children I can tell you in my case it's by design. I wouldn't imagine there would be a whole lot of guys in my age group who want kids that don't have them already. There probably are a couple of them but I would think they'd be pretty hard to find.

 

On the sex topic, I can tell you I personally am looking for more than just that. I've had all of the really great sex I could want in my 20's and 30's and while I want to have more, at this point I am looking for great sex plus all of the other components that make up a great relationship which I couldn't really appreciate without having the experiences I have had in the past.

 

So yeah, I think there probably aren't a lot of guys in my age bracket that don't have and want kids, but there are probably also a lot more that have a greater appreciation for what makes up a great relationship outside of just a great sexual connection.

[No1]

It is true. I just turned 40, altho I dont look my age but thats what my drivers lic says. I dont have any kids (that I know of..haha) And of course I would like something more. I have my fun, I go play sports with my friends, paintball, softball and baseball. Life is fun, but there are times when you want to have someone to call, say hi, tell him you miss them, and smile. So yes, there is a guy out there. I know of one! ha ha

[thejigsup]

There's tons of guys like that. I have found that guys of a certain age who have never been married are the ones that want it most. I don't usually date them long, because they start putting on the marriage pressure and I don't want to remarry, at least not right now. My current bf does not want to get married and I am happy we don't have to have THAT discussion.

[jul-els]

There's tons of guys like that. I have found that guys of a certain age who have never been married are the ones that want it most. I don't usually date them long, because they start putting on the marriage pressure and I don't want to remarry, at least not right now. My current bf does not want to get married and I am happy we don't have to have THAT discussion.

 

Just wanted to add that I've never been married either, and that's also by design. The idea of it holds no interest for me and more so, the possibility of getting divorced is something I wish to avoid entirely. So just sayin', there are some of us guys out there like that.

[Clarity]

I'm single, never married, but I do want to be married and have kids. Not that I have a biological deadline, but it's something I want to do in my 30s at the latest (don't want to be an old grandpa to my kids) and I think about, if I've found nothing by that time (early to mid 30s), I will just settle - find a girl that I hits most of the things on my checklist and make it work. I know that sounds bad, but I'm guessing this is why a lot of guys (and gals) don't make it to their 40s without marriage and kids, if that is what they want.

[givinggirl]

I know where you are coming from. My parents like to nag me too about finding a man, but I have my heart set on this one guy. I don't know if it will go anywhere and if someone better comes along, then I will see about taking that road, but as of yet...there hasn't been any better. I do hope that he and I date in the future. I also want to get married and have kids and I know time is getting shorter, but I'm not going to do that with just any guy. I have been with plenty of rotten apples and I don't want to be with another. I will be picky and if that means that it doesn't happen for me, then so be it. That said, I really hope it does!!

[Shallow]

My mother keeps insisting that there are 40 year old guys who have never been married or have kids, yet want these. I keep telling her that while there are a few of these guys, they are hard to find. I either find guys with kids or guys who are looking for sex.

We're out here, but it seems like the women in our age group (35+) who also don't have kids (regardless of having been married before or not) are looking to have kids right away. It's a lot of pressure, especially if you take things slow like I do (which is why my previous relationship didn't work).

 

90% of the guys out there, regardless of age, are just looking for sex. You'd think it would make it easier for us 10%, but it doesnt.

[givinggirl]

We're out here, but it seems like the women in our age group (35+) who also don't have kids (regardless of having been married before or not) are looking to have kids right away. It's a lot of pressure, especially if you take things slow like I do (which is why my previous relationship didn't work).

 

That is true, but it's not like we have much of a choice. Mother nature is calling and we feel the pressure probably more than you do.

[newwave]

We're out here, but it seems like the women in our age group (35+) who also don't have kids (regardless of having been married before or not) are looking to have kids right away. It's a lot of pressure, especially if you take things slow like I do (which is why my previous relationship didn't work).

 

90% of the guys out there, regardless of age, are just looking for sex. You'd think it would make it easier for us 10%, but it doesnt.

 

The guy I really like said something like that to me. He wants to take it slow because he thinks I am pressuring him to get me pregnant. I never said that (in fact we haven't had sex) but I wonder if I am sending vibes without knowing it. I hate to admit this, but I hope our relationship evolves to the point where we have kids and marry. Because of this I backed off and am letting him take control for now.

[No1]

You could be sending off a vibe or energy of what you want. Your parents pressuring you, your internal clock. You might not say it, but thats what your body is saying and could be giving him that impression.

Dont worry, there are plenty of guys who are not married, dont have kids that are in their 40s. For me, I have had that one chance to be with someone to marry and have kids with, but she broke up with me back in Dec. Life moves on. One day my time will come. And if it doesnt, oh well. Until then I will make myself happy and who knows what will happen in life. She might come into my life and it will all be great.

[Batya33]

My mother keeps insisting that there are 40 year old guys who have never been married or have kids, yet want these. I keep telling her that while there are a few of these guys, they are hard to find. I either find guys with kids or guys who are looking for sex.

 

This conversation started because she questions why I keep waiting for the guy I like to get his act together (if he does). I'm not waiting around if someone comes around, but the reality is the type of guy I want are hard to find. This is why I hope the guy I like does come around. My mother thinks I can do better because he doesn't have a good job and isn't hot. I have to keep telling her that these two things are being picky (job and looks) because these guys are taken right away.

 

My husband and I were 38 when we started dating, 42/43 when we had our first child and first marriage for both of us. My ex got married for the first time at age 41 to a woman who was 44, first marriage. My friend married a guy in his early 40s - first marriage - and they had their first child about two years later. He definitely wanted kids. I dated several men in their 40s who had never been married, no kids and wanted both. I just set one of them up with a friend of mine - he is 45.

I don't agree with your mother that "hot" matters - what matters is that you are physically attracted to him. Period. I do think job matters as far as financial stability, because that's a good thing to have if you want kids, unless you have a very good job and you will be working full time after you have kids. Then it doesn't matter as much.

 

Where I lived for the first 40 plus years of my life was a major city teeming with singles. I spent extra $ to keep living there during my late 20s and 30s so that I would have the best dating opportunities. Would you consider relocating?

[newwave]

I am hoping I get a job downtown Chicago and hope to move close to there. The guy I like actually lives in the area I am interested in but this is coincidence. The downtown area is full of many singles, so this is important to me. Once I have kids I intend to work full time because when I work I generally love my field (PR). Right now I live an hour away and what a difference. I never meet anyone single here or even my age.

[newwave]

I know where you are coming from. My parents like to nag me too about finding a man, but I have my heart set on this one guy. I don't know if it will go anywhere and if someone better comes along, then I will see about taking that road, but as of yet...there hasn't been any better. I do hope that he and I date in the future. I also want to get married and have kids and I know time is getting shorter, but I'm not going to do that with just any guy. I have been with plenty of rotten apples and I don't want to be with another. I will be picky and if that means that it doesn't happen for me, then so be it. That said, I really hope it does!!

 

 

That sounds somewhat like my situation. I like this guy (longtime friend) and I know he's interested, but is scared (plus his last relationship was terrible). I hope both of our guys become the one.

 

 

You could be sending off a vibe or energy of what you want. Your parents pressuring you, your internal clock. You might not say it, but thats what your body is saying and could be giving him that impression.

Dont worry, there are plenty of guys who are not married, dont have kids that are in their 40s. For me, I have had that one chance to be with someone to marry and have kids with, but she broke up with me back in Dec. Life moves on. One day my time will come. And if it doesnt, oh well. Until then I will make myself happy and who knows what will happen in life. She might come into my life and it will all be great.

 

I have a feeling I sent vibes. I showed him a photo of my niece and told him I never wanted kids before but now I do. Didn't give it much thought until next time I spoke to him and he said we had to slow it down because "he didn't want to get me pregnant because then we'd have to get married". I never brought that up (we aren't even having sex) so it stunned me. I have a feeling my comment about my niece, coupled with the fact his mother is pressuring him to marry and have kids, really scared him. The odd thing (which I can't explain) is when I look at his photo, having a child with him pops in my mind. I suspect I am sending vibes and next time I see him I'll knock off anything that could scare him.

[annie24]

^^^ but i think it's a good thing you showed him the photo of your niece. his answer indicates to me that he's not interested in having a child or marrying you. i'm sorry if that's harsh, but to me it sounds like he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. i think it's good you found this out sooner rather than later actually. i don't think it's 'scary.' i know other men my age who are actively looking for relationships that could wind up in kids and marriage.

[newwave]

^^^ but i think it's a good thing you showed him the photo of your niece. his answer indicates to me that he's not interested in having a child or marrying you. i'm sorry if that's harsh, but to me it sounds like he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. i think it's good you found this out sooner rather than later actually. i don't think it's 'scary.' i know other men my age who are actively looking for relationships that could wind up in kids and marriage.

 

He previously wanted both with me, and he didn't get goofy when I showed the photo. He kept saying how cute she was. His comments came up a week later actually. His mom is really pressuring him and he explained this to me later on.

[annie24]

he can want kids and marriage, but does he want them with you? that's the question. are you guys actively dating?

[newwave]

he can want kids and marriage, but does he want them with you? that's the question. are you guys actively dating?

 

It's kind of a weird situation. Right now he's going through issues so we are casually dating (which is what I want now because of my job situation). We are long time friends who recently reconnected and realized the spark was there (he mentioned this). A few years ago he desired kids and marriage with me (he'd even talk about what our kids would look like) but at the time I wasn't ready (I had gotten out of a bad relationship). Now he says one thing and then another thing. That's why I take a wait and see approach. If others come around then I'll date them, but if not, no big deal.

[annie24]

i would for sure, keep my eyes open for other guys to date - ones who are a little more certain about where they are in their lives.

[givinggirl]

That sounds somewhat like my situation. I like this guy (longtime friend) and I know he's interested, but is scared (plus his last relationship was terrible). I hope both of our guys become the one.

 

Yes, it is similar. I've known this guy for almost 7 years. I was dating one of his acquaintances for a few years, then another guy, and have been single for a couple years now. He had one relationship many years ago and I guess she didn't treat him very well at all. He hasn't been in a relationship since. He is extremely scared, but when we are around each other, I can tell that he is very interested. He just can't get past his fear. A couple times he has almost tried, but chickened out. I've tried going down that road and I only make him more scared and nervous and then he avoids. It's tough and I know that if he could just get past the initial step everything would fly right along. Our personalities are very compatible.

[newwave]

I'm hoping he comes around and becomes a serious relationship by the early Fall. Hopefully by then I'll have a job, living in a different area, and he'll see I want him for friendship, companionship, love, etc more than anything else. I figure by then I'll know either way and that gives him time to come around (if he does). However, that doesn't mean I won't date others if I meet someone. After all I am not looking for someone to sleep with (I made a vow not to sleep with someone until I become engaged or move in with him).