What my mother doesn't get about older singles dating

[newwave]

Maybe it's just me, but I shy away from guys that think all women just want to use him. I think I'd rather have the artist or unemployed guy from link removed.

 

Not me, I'd rather be single than with those bottom of the barrel losers. So what if he's got issues, we all do. He needs to learn to trust and I'm not interested in a serious relationship now.

[Batya33]

Not me, I'd rather be single than with those bottom of the barrel losers. So what if he's got issues, we all do. He needs to learn to trust and I'm not interested in a serious relationship now.

 

Of course we all have issues - what we're commenting on are the specific issues he has with you and their impact now and potential impact in the future. My guess is that he doesn't need to learn how to trust, he just doesn't trust your intentions, for whatever reason. Many people who are over 20 have felt betrayed by an ex, but they choose to get over it or work on getting over it if they are motivated to be in another relationship. If he has chosen not to work on his trust issues, you will be walking on eggshells trying to prove to him that you're trustworthy in all sorts of situations. That can be an interesting challenge for someone who's not looking to settle down anytime soon, which it sounds like you're not.

 

It might be no one's fault - it just might be his sense of you from his interactions with you. He might change his mind but what I've found is that healthy relationships are built on being reasonably open to each other, and if there's an early sense of mistrust, that's extremely difficult to overcome, especially if it involves something as serious as what he is concerned about.

 

Probably a good thing that you're not interested in a serious relationship right now -- sounds like he's an interesting guy to hang out with and you're enjoying the challenge of trying to win over an unavailable person.

[newwave]

No, he has issues about all women. He last girlfriend he met online and she was a con artist. I dated a con artist so I get it. He does have to learn to trust, and yes he's attracted to me. So what if he has issues now? He's a moral guy, unlike 990% of the losers online. He doesn't have kids, or been married, or believe in casual sex.

[G-Snap]

Not me, I'd rather be single than with those bottom of the barrel losers. So what if he's got issues, we all do. He needs to learn to trust and I'm not interested in a serious relationship now.

 

This might be why you are single. So a guy who is an artist is a bottom of the barrel loser? Or a guy who might have lost his job due to being downsized?

 

Wow.

 

Harsh words.

 

I think what batya33 said sums it up:

 

Probably a good thing that you're not interested in a serious relationship right now -- sounds like he's an interesting guy to hang out with and you're enjoying the challenge of trying to win over an unavailable person.

 

It could be you are afraid of finding a fulfilling relationship and that is why you are hanging on to someone unattainable? That might not be really far fetched. I knew a woman who only crushed on married guys who would never act on a crush. I could tell she had a fear of relationships and that is why she directed her efforts on these unavailable men.

[newwave]

This might be why you are single. So a guy who is an artist is a bottom of the barrel loser? Or a guy who might have lost his job due to being downsized?

 

Wow.

 

Harsh words.

 

I think what batya33 said sums it up:

 

 

 

It could be you are afraid of finding a fulfilling relationship and that is why you are hanging on to someone unattainable? That might not be really far fetched. I knew a woman who only crushed on married guys who would never act on a crush. I could tell she had a fear of relationships and that is why she directed her efforts on these unavailable men.

 

 

Not an artist, a CON ARTIST. I have dated artists. As for unemployed. if he lost his job due to the economy, that's one thing. However, if he's chronically unemployed, that's another. Right now I have job issues so I can't get involved with anyone serious. Maybe once my job situation improves and if he doesn't come around, then I'll ask people. I'm still not doing online dating.

 

No, I am not afraid of relationships, I want a specific type of guy. Perverts, scam artists, fatsos, married men, and fathers don't cut it.

[G-Snap]

Not an artist, a CON ARTIST. I have dated artists. As for unemployed. if he lost his jobdue to the economy, that's one thing. However, if he's chronically unemployed, that's another. Right now I have job issues so I can't get involved with anyone.

 

No, I am not afraid of relationships, I want a specific type of guy. Perverts, scam artists, fatsos, married men, and fathers don't cut it.

 

Ok, i thought you meant artists.

[Batya33]

No, I am not afraid of relationships, I want a specific type of guy. Perverts, scam artists, fatsos, married men, and fathers don't cut it.

 

Oooh then make sure you don't get pregnant - not always the easiest thing to lose the weight, while you're gaining weight you're most certainly fat -- and then wouldn't you be a "loser" too? ;-).. (p.s. I'm thin, and I gained almost 40 pounds when I was pregnant so none of what you wrote struck a nerve).

 

It sounds like the specific type of guy you want now is one who has trust issues and does not want a relationship with you. My guess is that when you are truly ready for a serious relationship, you'll consider that type of guy to be a "loser" in the sense of not being a good match for you.

[newwave]

What does gaining weight during pregnancy have to do with dating an obese man? I don't like fat men, they repulse me. Btw, he has said he wanted a relationship with me, he's just scared. Previously he wanted to have kids with me.

[Shallow]

Shallow, I just noticed you are from Chicago. I live south of Chicago and find that the guys I've found online that tended to be better choices lived downtown. Would you say that was the issue with your dating too?

I live way up in the NW 'burbs. I've never dated a woman from the city, so I couldn't say one way or the other. I don't suspect they'd be much different really, as people seem to be the about the same everywhere, and I've lived a lot of places.

[newwave]

I live way up in the NW 'burbs. I've never dated a woman from the city, so I couldn't say one way or the other. I don't suspect they'd be much different really, as people seem to be the about the same everywhere, and I've lived a lot of places.

 

South Suburbs (where I live) have the worst selection. It's almost a joke with the people I've seen online near me. I'm planning to move closer to the city partly because of this (and partly to be nearer professional jobs).

[Batya33]

What does gaining weight during pregnancy have to do with dating an obese man? I don't like fat men, they repulse me. Btw, he has said he wanted a relationship with me, he's just scared. Previously he wanted to have kids with me.

 

Just saying that if you are repulsed by a man who is overweight, and you think a "fatso" is a "loser" aren't you concerned that your husband/SO might feel that way if you gain weight during pregnancy and don't lose it right away? Or will you make sure that your partner, unlike you, is not repulsed by overweight people?

 

I found in my life that timing is everything - I wasn't ready to marry or compatible with my husband when we first dated, but when we reconnected 8 years later, we both had changed and we both were ready. On the other hand, I let a few good men get away because I wasn't ready at the time, and when I wasn't they were not ready or already taken. So you can't count on what happened in the past.

 

Saying you want a relationship but you are choosing not to because of your fear is the same as "I don't want a relationship with you" and of course, for all practical purposes is the same thing - he's saying he doesn't want a relationship with you badly enough to overcome his fear. I agree with the other poster who also believes you are hanging on to false hope. And especialy if you keep hanging around with him, he won't have the chance to miss you or the incentive to work on his fear.

[annie24]

There is a really good book you should read, "if i'm so wonderful, why am i still single?' it has a whole chapter on people who say they want a relationship, but actually don't deep down, or are scared, and make bad relationship choice. like batya has said, if you want a relationship, then waiting around for this guy is a bad idea. it seems like you are assuming a lot about him and why he doesn't want to date you and you are hoping this will change in the future. none of this is really from his mouth. it's easy to assume stuff, but you don't know what is going on in his mind.

 

the bottom line is that if you're serious about having a relationship, you have to work at it. like G-snap said, paying a few dollars a month for link removed is a start. ok, i get it, you hate online dating. well, you can try meeting men in real life. My good friend met his new girlfriend at a poker game. you could do something more productive than waiting for this guy to come around. you can go ask men out yourself. i dated a guy i met on the bus - i asked him what he was reading and we started up a conversation and then he asked for my email address. so, there are tons of ways to meet guys outside of online dating.

 

go read the book!

[newwave]

People are missing things I said. I'm not looking for a serious relationship now. I am dealing with many personal issues. Second, I'm not waiting around for him to possibly change. I'm really not looking now and wasn't looking for anyone when I reconnected to me. Maybe in six months or so I'll be ready to date serious and then if he doesn't come around I'll look into other venues. However, I am strongly anti online dating and will not pay for something that doesn't work for me.

[annie24]

no, i got that part that you aren't looking for a serious relationship at this second. i didn't overlook it. but just saying, in the near future.

 

regarding the anti-online dating, that is your choice. you find things in the last place that you look. just because online dating hasn't worked for you before doesn't mean that it won't in the future. a big part of it is just having a positive attitude. if you don't have that, then i agree, it will be a waste of your time.

 

i'm still single, but i wouldn't say that my online dating was a bad experience at all. i had some relationships, and am still friends with some of guys i met that way. even if it was only 1 date, it was always an opportunity to meet someone new, learn something new about people outside of my work area, and go try a new restaurant or coffee shop. even if the date was a dud, at least i got to try a new drink or new meal or wear a dress or something.