What my mother doesn't get about older singles dating

[Batya33]

It's kind of a weird situation. Right now he's going through issues so we are casually dating (which is what I want now because of my job situation). We are long time friends who recently reconnected and realized the spark was there (he mentioned this). A few years ago he desired kids and marriage with me (he'd even talk about what our kids would look like) but at the time I wasn't ready (I had gotten out of a bad relationship). Now he says one thing and then another thing. That's why I take a wait and see approach. If others come around then I'll date them, but if not, no big deal.

 

I'd focus more on the feet (what he does) than the lips. I agree that you should be totally open to meeting/dating others and be careful that hanging out with him isn't distracting you from that goal. What I did find in my mid-late 30s was that I had to be far more proactive about meeting people even than in my 20s, when I was still frequently being set up by friends, friends of friends, etc. I didn't ask guys out but I was on on line sites and contacted many men, as well as suggested meeting in person (but I let them do the asking out for the first real date).

[newwave]

I'd focus more on the feet (what he does) than the lips. I agree that you should be totally open to meeting/dating others and be careful that hanging out with him isn't distracting you from that goal. What I did find in my mid-late 30s was that I had to be far more proactive about meeting people even than in my 20s, when I was still frequently being set up by friends, friends of friends, etc. I didn't ask guys out but I was on on line sites and contacted many men, as well as suggested meeting in person (but I let them do the asking out for the first real date).

 

I'm not doing online dating again because of the con artists, so I'd concentrate on finding people through people I know. I am open to meeting other guys, but I'll be honest and say I hope he's the one and that he's scared.

[Batya33]

I'm not doing online dating again because of the con artists, so I'd concentrate on finding people through people I know. I am open to meeting other guys, but I'll be honest and say I hope he's the one and that he's scared.

 

I would assume for your own protection that he simply is choosing to prioritize his fear over being in a relationship with you, let him see what life is like without you, and if he misses you enough and wants to prioritize being in a relationship with you he will work on and resolve those fears. Or, it could be just an excuse he tells you - or tells himself- when the real reason is that he just doesn't see potential with you - nothing personal of course.

 

I encountered a few con artists on line - as well as in bars and in other places people meet people. I smply became good at screening and had mostly good experiences meeting men through on line dating once I was good at screening the profile, the emails and the phone calls (usually one-two emails, one-two phone calls, often some google searches too). I met about 100 men in person through on line sites.

[newwave]

In his case, he got out of a terrible previous relationship a couple of years ago, and it's not me. I've been in situations where the guy saw no potential with me and it's not the same thing as him. I am giving him space and not pushing at all. In fact I'm putting it all in his hands, even things such as dating or kissing me. He may come around but he may not. With me not pushing (his last girlfriend pushed him) he'll hopefully come to his senses. If not, then I'll move on. It's an unique situation because years ago he wanted to get serious but I didn't. He pursued me years ago and I just wanted him as a friend (though in reality I wanted more but was scared).

 

I've had bad experiences with online so I've avoided it. Besides the con artists, I've been attracted to a guy online then met him and nothing was there. I've had guys lie about their looks, them being married, and even jobs. I know there are decent men online, I've met a few, it's just been an overall negative thing for me and I decided to avoid.

[Batya33]

I don't think it matters whether it's you or not - he is not available for a relationship with you so it's a good thing you're keeping your distance - you hanging around and being "supportive" won't encourage him to date you - it will likely have the opposite effect because he'll get all the benefits of you beng his friend/therapist and not have to put in the effort to overcome his fears in order to be with you.

 

As far as on line - what a shame that you're letting some bad experiences color your impression of all of the people who happen to post on line profiles. So many of my friends found their wonderful spouses through on line dating - all people with great integrity, character, personality, etc.

[newwave]

I don't think it matters whether it's you or not - he is not available for a relationship with you so it's a good thing you're keeping your distance - you hanging around and being "supportive" won't encourage him to date you - it will likely have the opposite effect because he'll get all the benefits of you beng his friend/therapist and not have to put in the effort to overcome his fears in order to be with you.

 

As far as on line - what a shame that you're letting some bad experiences color your impression of all of the people who happen to post on line profiles. So many of my friends found their wonderful spouses through on line dating - all people with great integrity, character, personality, etc.

 

I am keeping my distance until he's ready to come around. It's his choice. What will stink though is I'll lose a friend if he doesn't come around because I don't want him as just a friend anymore. We were friends many years but lost contact until recently. I always enjoyed hanging out with him because he's a great guy. I just regret not dating him years ago because at the time I had issues. For now I can't get serious (job issues) so I'm giving him until the Summer and hopefully by then he'll come around. He's mentioned various activities he'd like to do this Summer so we'll see. It could all be nerves now since he's said a few things he later apologized for.

 

Nope, online isn't for me. Too many jerks online. The ones not jerks are either disgusting looking, losers, or not my types. Not worth it for the chance to be with someone. No thanks. Actually, I'll probably quit dating if he doesn't come around. I will not go through heartbreak again and this has happened way too many times (not this issue, heartbreak in general). I thought he was the one when I was with him (and he asked me to date only him).

[Shallow]

Nope, online isn't for me. The ones not jerks are either disgusting looking, losers, or not my types.

Hey! I resemble that remark! er . . . resent . . . yeah, that's what I meant, resent!

[newwave]

Hey! I resemble that remark! er . . . resent . . . yeah, that's what I meant, resent!

 

Sadly, you're probably the exception to the rule. I hear stories of people that met online through dating sites but I've only seen the bottom of the barrel. Yes, I realize people are all the same, but can't get exciting about online dating when all the guys I've met or seen their photo were guys I'd never date. Not that I'm picky, but I like certain traits in guys and when they don't have them, I am not interested.

 

Shallow, I just noticed you are from Chicago. I live south of Chicago and find that the guys I've found online that tended to be better choices lived downtown. Would you say that was the issue with your dating too?

[annie24]

well, like batya said, there are lots of nice, normal people online. sure, you have to sort through some jerks or players. i like the poster who compared online dating to shopping at the sales racks at TJ Maxx. There's some great finds, but you have to dig! I have met some really good guys over all online. some were scumbags, a few guys were decent but no chemistry, and some i wound up dating for a while. in my city, it appears that everyone who is single has an online profile!! it's just what is done in my area. The upshot is that they are (likely!) single if they have a profile. and you know they are looking for a date. Vs. going to a sports bar or a conference, where you don't know who is taken but not wearing a ring, who is single and looking, etc....

[newwave]

well, like batya said, there are lots of nice, normal people online. sure, you have to sort through some jerks or players. i like the poster who compared online dating to shopping at the sales racks at TJ Maxx. There's some great finds, but you have to dig! I have met some really good guys over all online. some were scumbags, a few guys were decent but no chemistry, and some i wound up dating for a while. in my city, it appears that everyone who is single has an online profile!! it's just what is done in my area. The upshot is that they are (likely!) single if they have a profile. and you know they are looking for a date. Vs. going to a sports bar or a conference, where you don't know who is taken but not wearing a ring, who is single and looking, etc....

 

True, but I don't want to pay for the possibility of finding someone. I'm not really looking for someone serious now and still have hope the guy I like will come around. If not, then I'll ask people I know. Just not worth it for me to online date when I've never had luck.

[givinggirl]

True, but I don't want to pay for the possibility of finding someone. I'm not really looking for someone serious now and still have hope the guy I like will come around. If not, then I'll ask people I know. Just not worth it for me to online date when I've never had luck.

 

I'm not really comfortable with the online dating either. I would rather meet someone in person and then decide if I am interested. I'm not a fan of blind dates either.

[newwave]

I'm not really comfortable with the online dating either. I would rather meet someone in person and then decide if I am interested. I'm not a fan of blind dates either.

 

I don't like blind dates either unless it's someone I trust. Even then I am leery. I like meeting someone and then deciding if I want more. Plus with online dating you really know nothing about the person.

[Puddincup]

I would say that half the men on link removed want kids and I'm talking about all the men, from 20-50 years old, some even older. It seems that the older I get, the more men want kids! I'm in my late 40s and I would say that 2/3 of the guys who don't already have kids want them.

[Shallow]

I would say that half the men on link removed want kids and I'm talking about all the men, from 20-50 years old, some even older. It seems that the older I get, the more men want kids! I'm in my late 40s and I would say that 2/3 of the guys who don't already have kids want them.

Half of those are probably just saying that in their profile so they seem "serious" about a relationship. Besides, at our age, most women have kids already, so it could be misconstrued that we aren't interested in dating women with kids if we put something else.

[Puddincup]

I've been online dating for several years. I have met many nice, normal men. Some I didn't like, some I dated for awhile, and some I had long term relationships with. I know there are probably a lot of people online who are not who they say they are but I have yet to run into any of them.

 

I also like meeting someone in the light of day after we have corresponded a bit rather than meeting someone drunk in a bar. In either case, the person can lie about who they are and what their intentions are.

 

As far as the older guys looking to start a family, I have met several of these guys and they are sincere. I think it's kind of crazy to want to start a family in your 50s but to each his own.

[Batya33]

True, but I don't want to pay for the possibility of finding someone. I'm not really looking for someone serious now and still have hope the guy I like will come around. If not, then I'll ask people I know. Just not worth it for me to online date when I've never had luck.

 

 

It's fine to know nothing about the person because you meet in a public place for coffee for 30 minutes. But, it's not typically nothing - you often can confirm the person's name and other background facts by a simple internet search, you have a phone number that you can confirm if you like, often a work place name or number, etc. Add that to meeting in a public place and safety becomes less of an issue (and you can always tell someone where you will be if you like).

 

It sounds like your priority is to pursue your for now unavailable friend over putting in the effort to find someone who is available. That's fine but I think it's important to keep being honest with yourself so that you don't have a negative attitude about dating - if you're not going to put in the effort it takes when you're in your 30s/40s (meaning, it's harder to meet someone post-college) then you cannot complain if you're not meeting suitable men.

 

As far as blind dates, once again I don't see the harm in meeting someone for coffee in a public place just to see if there is a connection or if it would make sense to go on a real date. But that's only if your goal is to meet someone who is a good match for you. It's far more interesting and challenging to you to pursue your unavailable friend - I can relate because I used to find that interesting and challenging. Until I didn't - and that was a very positive step for me in the right direction.

[newwave]

Yes for now I am pursuing him because for now I can't get serious either. Maybe once I get a job (I think he's a little leery of this) and am settled and he doesn't come around, then this will change. I'm hoping to eventually move by him (not because of him but because most of the jobs are near him)and this might make a difference. If after all of this and he still doesn't come around, then I'll consider dating. I'm still not doing online dating again though. Had nothing but problems with it and not worth it. Nothing will make me change my mind about online dating. I did it for years and not worth it.

[Batya33]

Yes for now I am pursuing him because for now I can't get serious either. Maybe once I get a job (I think he's a little leery of this) and am settled and he doesn't come around, then this will change. I'm hoping to eventually move by him (not because of him but because most of the jobs are near him)and this might make a difference. If after all of this and he still doesn't come around, then I'll consider dating. I'm still not doing online dating again though. Had nothing but problems with it and not worth it. Nothing will make me change my mind about online dating. I did it for years and not worth it.

 

It sounds like you have your priorities straight in your own mind but then it's a little confusing why you are having this disagreement with your mother - you're not in the dating scene in any focused or strong way, so it really could be that you don't know much about older singles dating either at this point.

 

I don't think you should try to meet people through online dating either because it takes a very thick skin and positive attitude about men (and the other way around too).

 

Unless this man told you that what was stopping him from being in a relationship with you was your job situation I would put that off the radar as a potential reason - if that were really his issue, he would want you to know that loud and clear in the hopes of motivating you to get a job so that he could be with you -- and to assure you that he would be waiting for you if you were still interested. No one wants to let someone special slip through their fingers by being indirect or vague.

[newwave]

My mother wants me to find anyone, but this is the guy I want. There are many more angles to this situation which I haven't shared, but going by his history, I suspect he'll come around. Part of it is the job situation because he's afraid that I want him to get me pregnant so we get married (though I never said no such thing and we aren't sleeping together). Before I reconnected with him in December I was dating guys, but haven't met guys that meet my standards.

[Batya33]

My mother wants me to find anyone, but this is the guy I want. There are many more angles to this situation which I haven't shared, but going by his history, I suspect he'll come around. Part of it is the job situation because he's afraid that I want him to get me pregnant so we get married (though I never said no such thing and we aren't sleeping together). Before I reconnected with him in December I was dating guys, but haven't met guys that meet my standards.

 

If you haven't told him you are trying to get pregnant then why doesn't he trust you? Are you using birth control and does he know that you are using birth control and what type? Once again it's up to you to choose to wait around for this person rather than putting yourself out there to meet others -- but waiting around for someone who doesn't want a relationship with you right now isn't really consistent with a marriage/family goal It's great to know who you want but equally great to know whether who you want also wants you and the same things you want. If he already doesn't trust you not to use him that isn't a great sign as far as potential for the future, in my opinion.

[newwave]

If you haven't told him you are trying to get pregnant then why doesn't he trust you? Are you using birth control and does he know that you are using birth control and what type? Once again it's up to you to choose to wait around for this person rather than putting yourself out there to meet others -- but waiting around for someone who doesn't want a relationship with you right now isn't really consistent with a marriage/family goal It's great to know who you want but equally great to know whether who you want also wants you and the same things you want. If he already doesn't trust you not to use him that isn't a great sign as far as potential for the future, in my opinion.

 

I'm not sleeping with him, it was just something he assumed because I got a little sexually aggressive with him. He trusts me, he's just fearful that something like this could happen. Besides, with my job situation I can't have kids for at least 2 years.

[Batya33]

I'm not sleeping with him, it was just something he assumed because I got a little sexually aggressive with him. He trusts me, he's just fearful that something like this could happen. Besides, with my job situation I can't have kids for at least 2 years.

 

That's a bit troubling that he would make that assumption based on you coming on to him, don't you think? If he trusts you, why would he think you would betray him by getting pregnant without his consent and then cornering him into marrying you?

[G-Snap]

Originally Posted by newwave

True, but I don't want to pay for the possibility of finding someone. I'm not really looking for someone serious now and still have hope the guy I like will come around. If not, then I'll ask people I know. Just not worth it for me to online date when I've never had luck.

 

This is kind of odd. People will pay for all sorts of things in life, even OVER pay for them, but balk at a few dollars a month for a dating site subscription? If someone's goal is truly to find someone, wouldn't they want to arm themselves with as much area of opportunity as possible?

 

When people say they never had luck with online sites I wonder how long they tried. This is just my curiosity speaking here....because i have known people who say that but only went on a few dates. Not much chance in finding mr. or miss right that fast. Too many variables are at play. It takes time and patience, but you are right, if you lack those, you would probably be best to avoid it.

 

Based on what I have scanned thru this thread I think Batya is giving you sound advice. You are chasing a guy who doesn't sound very into you at this point, and that seems more of a waste of time than signing up for link removed or similar.

[newwave]

I've done Match, I'm not interested in online dating anymore. In fact I did it for a few years and the guys were either fathers, fat, con artists, perverts, married or unemployed. And so what if he's not interested now? Maybe he will be, or maybe I am fine being alone. I'd rather be alone than with a loser. I don't get why people are pushing something that didn't work for me. I hate online dating, and I don't do things I hate, does anyone? No, online dating doesn't work.

 

And the guy I like has fears that women will use him. That's why he thinks I'll get pregnant. He has issues because of his ex (whom he met online). She used him for money.

[G-Snap]

Maybe it's just me, but I shy away from guys that think all women just want to use him. I think I'd rather have the artist or unemployed guy from link removed.