Cherryberry Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Ok, I am not sure whether I'm overeacting to some information my boyfriend of 3 months has just given me. We are both mid 40's and have 2 daughters each ... so I'm trying to have a mature view. However, I feel angry and just can't see him in the same way when I look at him. The subject of Rub n' tug came up ... as I told him I knew a girl for 2 years and then found out she was doing this and I was shocked. He then told me he'd been to rub n' tug. I said "oh .. ok ... when was the last time you did that?" He answered "before Christmas". Now I was really shocked when he said that as we had started dating in the first week of December, he had been very keen and seen me for five dates within the first 2 weeks. We bought each other Xmas presents and spent Christmas night together after spending the day with our own families. He had been so good to me and we have met each other's friends, kids and getting closer and closer. But now ... I'm just disappointed. He said it was something he did while he was single ... every couple of months ... oh and yeah he does have a sore back and reckons that is the main reason he went. He didn't think it really mattered that he did that in the first few weeks we knew each other .. he says he doesn't want to go any more, that he loves me. I just feel yuk ... just knowing that he liked to do that makes me feel dirty. What do you think? I mean it seems so yuk ... he could have picked up anything there and passed it on to me. Why would a man want to pay for a hand job when he has a new girlfriend? Should I be suspicious that this is something he may have a fetish for and that he will do it again, even if he says he loves me? I've been cheated on by a man who "loved me" before. I can't bring myself to talk to him about this again ... but its on my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 You don't normally get STD's from handjobs. So if that is a main concern you can let go of at least that part. I personally have dated a guy who saw hookers pretty regularly before we met. It didn't bother me and I think a lot more men try it then are willing to be up front about it. But that isn't the issue. The issue is can YOU get over it. Because if you will always resent him, if this will be a part of him that you will always dislike then you should walk away. If you think you can find a way for it to be okay? Then stay with this wonderful guy who you like a lot and who has proven that he is willing to be honest with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Skittles Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Ewww, I'm not so sure I would want to date a man that went to rub and tug either. This is something that seriously bothers you, and it is a new relationship. Its going to be easier to leave now, even if you've already met his family and he's met yours, don't let that stop you from moving on from this relationship if that is what you need to do. Bottom line is: Can you trust him that he won't go again? Do you trust what he says that it was something he did while he was single and that he wouldn't do it with you? You need to be able to trust him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandyc Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I don't know, it wouldn't really bother me I don't think. I think it would upset me more or gross me out more if I knew he went to a strip club and then had sex with one of the women. Then it is going farthur plus all the STD chances. The only thing that would upset me about this situation is that he didn't tell you until now. I personally don't think it is worth throwing the relationship away over, I do however think it is important you talk to him about it and discuss your fears and concerns. I know you said you didn't want to, but I really think if you told him that it bothered you and explained your fears (That it might happen again, and that you are afraid of being cheated on) it will make you feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 So, he got a handjob while dating you, even if it was within the first few weeks? Wouldn't most people classify that as cheating?? IMO it's not the fact he went to one, I think it's the fact he is just now telling you that bothers you. You kind of feel like you can't trust him any more because he didn't lie to you because you never asked (who would know to ask that question) but he never volunterred the information.. I have been there. It sucks. You just have to ask yourself can you get over it and be happy again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 So, he got a handjob while dating you, even if it was within the first few weeks? Wouldn't most people classify that as cheating?? IMO it's not the fact he went to one, I think it's the fact he is just now telling you that bothers you. You kind of feel like you can't trust him any more because he didn't lie to you because you never asked (who would know to ask that question) but he never volunterred the information.. I have been there. It sucks. You just have to ask yourself can you get over it and be happy again. I agree. He did this when the two of you had already started dating...no you may not have been exclusive, but sexual activity with others should be off limits if you are starting to show real interest in someone. There are lots of people that ascribe to the Bill Clinton way of thinking that if it is not vaginal penetration then it doesn't count. It does...this guy went to someone to have sexual interactions while he was turning on the charm with you and working to get you as his girlfriend. I would definitely be turned off by this knowledge. I am not sure talking about this will really help...it seem like he sees nothing wrong with what he has done...the two of you don't have the same values with regards to this kind of sexual activity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catdancer Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 If you had just started dating, then you were not monogamous. You and he both could still have dated others or even had sex with others. Instead of being a man-wh*re though, he went and got a rub down. I think that actually shows respect for himself. He knows that he is not a player, nor does he want to be. So, he got a hand job. Big deal. As long as he doesnt do it after you agree that you are monogamous, then I think it's fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine1 Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 If you had just started dating, then you were not monogamous. You and he both could still have dated others or even had sex with others. Instead of being a man-wh*re though, he went and got a rub down. I think that actually shows respect for himself. He knows that he is not a player, nor does he want to be. So, he got a hand job. Big deal. As long as he doesnt do it after you agree that you are monogamous, then I think it's fine. I agree. You were not exclusive - I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I agree. You were not exclusive - I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Agree also. And again, this is why I feel telling about anything sexual that went on before you became exclusive is damaging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Honestly, I wouldn't date a guy who visited a place like that any time recently. I don't feel like I'm a judgmental person. But paying for a hand job or paying for sex is something I just don't want to be around. I like my guys a bit classier than that. If you were exclusive at the time he went to this place, I'd consider that cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandyc Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 were you two exclusive at the time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 This is kind of what lawyers do to get people off the hook...they use the letter of the law even though the practice is questionable...if it is not technically illegal then it is okay. So having sexual interactions with someone while you have just started dating someone else and seeing that someone else several times a week and showing keen interest may not be technically "illegal" in the cheating sense...but it is rather gross. How many people would really be thrilled to pieces that the person they were dating and starting to get serious about banged another woman while dating them and then a few weeks later decided to make it official...so now they are sleeping together, he just banged another woman two weeks prior and who knows what STD he might have. I think it says a lot about a person's self control (or lack therof) that they feel the need to get sexual gratification from elsewhere while they are dating someone which could potentially be something serious. Can't people pleasure themselves while in the getting to know someone phase rather than running off to have sexual interactions elsewhere until they see if the new relationship is a go? Are people that "hard up" for sex that they can't go without for a few weeks while they are getting to know someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandyc Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 True. I guess it is easier as an outsider to say I wouldn't really be bothered by it. But truth is if my boyfriend told me that he had done that while we were dating I would probably be very upset as well. I don't know if I'd end the relationship over it, but I would definatley have a serious talk to him and lay out all my concerns. I would listen to his responses and take it from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherryberry Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 Hey guys, some of you are really empathising with me ... thanks. Yes, I am trying to react in a mature manner ... but I do feel it was wrong to behave as if he were really keen in getting to know me, and tell me that he is always loyal when he is with a girl. I don't think that paying for a hand job is less of a worry than any other sexual interlude. It does make me feel like he was just making the most of his time to get in a bit more personal gratification before we got closer. It was close to Christmas. To me, the memories I have of that time when we were getting to know each other, which seemed so special, those memories have now been spoilt and I don't feel the same. But there are lots of positives and I don't know if thats enough reason to give up. But I feel like its a bad sign. If I knew he did that at the time, I don't think I would have kept seeing him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherryberry Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 Oh plus ... I forgot to mention ... In our first couple of weeks, he thought we should wait to have sex. Then he had some panic about the possibility he might have chlamydia soon after we started having sex and we took these very strong antibiotics that I ended up being allergic to. I had to take them on Christmas Day. The funny thing is he's such a spiritual, caring person in so many ways. He goes out of his way to please me. But this all just doesn't add up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherryberry Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 oh and yes we have both had recent checks and don't have any STDs, including chlamydia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 IMO, he cheated. I don't care if you had been dating one day, if he asked you to be his girlfriend and you said yes, that is being exclusive to me. Even getting wacked off by a stranger is cheating. Only you can decide if you can look past it and the way it makes you feel and continue. I forgave for far worse and I'd advise against it but only you can make that decision. I can understand that there are positive aspects of your time together, but can you be sure he won't ever go back again? Can chlamydia be transmitted with only hand contact? I'm not sure. If not, you have to ask yourself 'why was he afraid he had it?' knowing what you know now. To me that would have been a red flag but that's me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
d24 Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 i guess the only thing here is moral - that he paid to get his rocks off. although i don't personally think it's fair to compare rub and tug to prostitution, the end goal is the same and i'd be livid if someone I was with did that, and disgusted if I found out they had been to one in the past. Payiong for sex(ual relief) in my opinion, is morally wrong. if she doesn't like his morals the cheating discussion is moot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffy Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 i guess the only thing here is moral - that he paid to get his rocks off. although i don't personally think it's fair to compare rub and tug to prostitution, the end goal is the same and i'd be livid if someone I was with did that, and disgusted if I found out they had been to one in the past. Payiong for sex(ual relief) in my opinion, is morally wrong. if she doesn't like his morals the cheating discussion is moot. Sorry, but I have to jump in here (don't post too often) and politely disagree with the bolded. If you pay someone to give you sexual release, it's prostitution. Speaking from personal experience, my now ex-husband went to a massage parlour, and he ended up having full out intercourse with the person. A lot of times what they do is you go in knowing you're paying for a hj, and once they get you worked up, they ask if you'd like to go further for extra cash. I'm sure a lot of men at that point (my ex included) aren't thinking with the right head and say yes. Needless to say this ended our marriage. Even after what happened to me (and believe me, it was devastating) I don't really have a problem with rub 'n' tugs IN THEORY. If they just rubbed you down while wearing say a g-string and shook their boobies in your face, I wouldn't see it much different than a lapdance. But from what I've heard/experienced, the entire POINT of going is to get sexual release, and whether you want to believe it or not, I think a lot of these women do it all. As to the OP, I don't know if it would be a deal breaker for me that he went, UNLESS you guys were definitely an official couple. Then it's cheating, point blank. If you weren't exclusive yet, then yes, it would definitely change my view of him, and I'd have to re-evaluate if he's compatible with me on a moral level. But I wouldn't view it as cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 Oh plus ... I forgot to mention ... In our first couple of weeks, he thought we should wait to have sex. Then he had some panic about the possibility he might have chlamydia soon after we started having sex and we took these very strong antibiotics that I ended up being allergic to. I had to take them on Christmas Day. The funny thing is he's such a spiritual, caring person in so many ways. He goes out of his way to please me. But this all just doesn't add up. Ugh. Wow. That's way too much for me to put up with. There's nothing wrong with getting an STD (sometimes partners cheat, even if you are safe you can get it, you can get it your first time) but, honestly, he should have been more responsible and gotten checked before you started having sex (and after a long enough time for STD's to show up on the screening. He's really not putting his best foot forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnightrambler Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 This is kind of what lawyers do to get people off the hook...they use the letter of the law even though the practice is questionable...if it is not technically illegal then it is okay...... Are people that "hard up" for sex that they can't go without for a few weeks while they are getting to know someone? this post is spot on......does someone need a contract of exclusivity? If I was courting someone and they were getting sex elsewhere i would stop calling them immediately and have done so in the past Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 i guess the only thing here is moral - that he paid to get his rocks off. although i don't personally think it's fair to compare rub and tug to prostitution, the end goal is the same and i'd be livid if someone I was with did that, and disgusted if I found out they had been to one in the past. Payiong for sex(ual relief) in my opinion, is morally wrong. if she doesn't like his morals the cheating discussion is moot. So it would have been okay if he didn't pay for it and got it free from a woman he just met at a bar? To me it is the act of sexual gratification itself which is the issue, not whether or not money changed hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
d24 Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 So it would have been okay if he didn't pay for it and got it free from a woman he just met at a bar? To me it is the act of sexual gratification itself which is the issue, not whether or not money changed hands. no i think it's the exchange of money which makes it seedy personally, each to their own though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 Personally I don't see prostitution as any different than porn, so I'm with CAD on this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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