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Shocked.... a half sister.


mandyc

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I really don't even know what to do right now. This past weekend my mom and I were out together having dinner, drinks, and just talking. Then later into the night she drops a bombshell on me telling me I have a half sister she'd never told me about. My first reaction was to say shut-up, stop messing with me, your drunk etc. But she went on to say that she had her when she was young, with no money, and gave her up for adoption at birth. My mom thought that she would always come looking for her when the child had turned 18, but she never did. The woman would be 33 right now, my mom knows only her birth date, the agency in which she was given, and the hospital in which she was born.

 

So besides feeling a bit betrayed by mom for never telling me this I don't know what to do with the information. Do I try to find her? Do I let her be? My mom said she would love to meet her, but is scared that she would want nothing to do with her and that maybe it would be better for the woman to not interrupt her life after so many years. I really don't know if it is even possible to find her at this point, the Christian service that placed her with a family is no longer in operation. Added to all of this my mom pleaded with me to not tell my younger sister about it because she doesn't think she can "handle" this information yet.

 

I am so confused. What do I do? Do I try to find her? If you were adopted would you want to meet your biological mother, and half-siblings or would you want to be left alone? This child was from another man, and though my father knows I am also afraid he might feel weird if he knew I was looking for her. And do I respect my mom's wishes and keep this a secret from my younger sister too?

 

sorry this is so long. I just can't believe this is really happening, it sounds like a bad life time movie or something. I'm so confused right now, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Mandy, Be kind to your Mom and show her understanding and love. This had/has to be a lot harder on her than you. Maybe she didn't say anything earlier because of her own pain.

 

I do understand that this is harder on her. I just wish she would have told me before I was 22. However I understand why she chose to wait, and I do have an even greater respect for her since she chose to move away and have the child and then give it up for adoption rather than have an abortion which is what she was originally planning on.

 

But where do I go from here?

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Doesn't sound bad at all. You found out you have another sister...that's good news. Look her up if you can find the means.

 

but do you think that it might be something she wants as well? I mean she is 33, she might even have a family of her own now. I don't want to upset her life, but I really do want to meet her. And I wouldn't even know how to begin to look for her.

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If your mom wants to meet her and you're interested look into finding her. Maybe she was just afraid, maybe she has a great adoptive family, maybe she doesn't know she was adopted even. Just a thought so thread carefully.

 

I also have an older half-sister my mom put up for adoption when she was born. However our story is different. I found out in highschool because a sibling is listed on my birth certificate and I'm the oldest so my mom thought she should tell me. The girl called the house once and my brother answered and was told to hang up on her. My mom was not and is not interested in meeting this girl. According to my mother she has a family and it's not us.

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^^ wow, that is unfortunate. even though she has a real family, it would be nice to meet the biological family as well. if for no other reason than to learn more about her family medical history.

 

mandy - i would maybe contact the agency where your mom gave up her daughter and see if they can give you her name. you can send her a letter. maybe it would be nice to meet her?

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Mandy, What effect does it really have? I'd suggest, with respect, none. It was something that happened 30 years ago and will most probably never impact your life. Love your Mom and move on.

 

well it could have an effect, giving she is my half-sister. So if I chose to find her, if I even could, then it would effect us all a lot.

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I'm sorry to hear that Jetta, but that was sort of my mom's response too. Not that my mom doesn't want to meet her, but she thinks that she already has a life, a family, and that if she had wanted to find her she would have.

 

Annie... the agency is no longer running so I don't know what to do. Do hospitals keep records for that long of a time? Maybe I could try contacting the hospital?

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I do understand that this is harder on her. I just wish she would have told me before I was 22. However I understand why she chose to wait, and I do have an even greater respect for her since she chose to move away and have the child and then give it up for adoption rather than have an abortion which is what she was originally planning on.

 

But where do I go from here?

 

I agree - that was a wonderful thing for your mom to do. Maybe she didn't tell you before you were 22 because she wasn't ready herself to tell you.To me, its her issue or story, so it has to be when she is ready more so than just you. If you knew as a child it might have confused you (even thinking maybe your mom would give you up if you were bad) and as a teen - maybe she didn't want to add it to the mix of all the stress of being a teen. I don't know what to say about contact. Sometimes you can contact the agency and ask them to forward a letter if they know who her adoptive parents were as an invitation to contact if she wishes. I think its about what you want. Do you want to find her? If so, then try. But if you don't want to, then don't. I think it won't screw up her life. By now - she knows she was adopted.

 

My dad has a cousin who was adopted by his aunt and uncle. He later found his 3 sisters after my great-aunt died. He was the youngest. His family was very poor and couldn't barely feed the kids, living on old mattresses in a single room due to a series of bad knocks. His mother gave him up as an infant because she feared he would die for failure to thrive and wanted to give him a chance at life. He did want for nothing with my aunt and uncle and was surrounded by lots of cousins he was close to. For him, he was glad to find that he had sisters and nieces and nephews and they have welcomed in to the family.

 

But in some cases, people meet and its cool that they finally know that they have a sister and then that's it. Or they never meet.

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I'm sorry to hear that Jetta, but that was sort of my mom's response too. Not that my mom doesn't want to meet her, but she thinks that she already has a life, a family, and that if she had wanted to find her she would have.

 

Annie... the agency is no longer running so I don't know what to do. Do hospitals keep records for that long of a time? Maybe I could try contacting the hospital?

 

Well...you can't really say that because it goes both ways. She could not know how to go about making contact. Or she could be thinking "if she wanted to find me she would" just like you are.

 

Another thing people have done is put an ad in the local paper saying that they are seeking the child their mother gave up for adoption - that she was born on this day at this hospital and whatever info you may have.

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Another thing people have done is put an ad in the local paper saying that they are seeking the child their mother gave up for adoption - that she was born on this day at this hospital and whatever info you may have.

 

yes, I asked if my mom had ever tried to find her in the past and she said she had done this. She put a couple ads out in the paper in the city where she was born a few times over the years but nothing ever came of it. I know my mom would like to meet her and I would too. Maybe hiring a private detective or something?

 

She doesn't want me to tell my younger sister yet because of what you said. My sister is a teen and my mom thinks she isn't mature enough or wouldn't handle it well or whatever. So that's another part of it, I feel bad keeping this huge thing from my sister, but I understand the reasons. Ahh this is just so much to think about right now.

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Let me tell you the story of my mother's best friend. She was adopted as a baby, but she always wanted to know who her birth mother was. When she had her own kids she went in search of her birth mother. She did find her. Her mother told her she had 2 younger sister who did not know she existed. Her mother's husband did not know she existed and she wanted her to leave. My mom's friend was devistated to her core. All she wanted was to know her sisters. They will never know her now though as she is dead. She died 17 years ago shot by her abusive ex husband. Her own mother and sisters do not even know she is dead, how sad is that? I would get to know her.

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That is very sad. And it scares me to think that I have no idea who this person is. She is my blood, at least partly. Does she look anything like me? Does she look like my younger sister? Does she like the same things, have some of the same quirks? These are all things I've been thinking about the last couple of days.

 

But what if the reverse is true? What if I find her (I don't even know how!) and she wants nothing to do with me or my mother? I think I would at least be content knowing I tried. I really just want to see her. My mom could be a grandma right now and not even know it. But at the same time I don't want to undermind the relationship she has with her adoptive family, as i'm sure she considers them her "real" family.

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That is very sad. And it scares me to think that I have no idea who this person is. She is my blood, at least partly. Does she look anything like me? Does she look like my younger sister? Does she like the same things, have some of the same quirks? These are all things I've been thinking about the last couple of days.

 

But what if the reverse is true? What if I find her (I don't even know how!) and she wants nothing to do with me or my mother? I think I would at least be content knowing I tried. I really just want to see her. My mom could be a grandma right now and not even know it. But at the same time I don't want to undermind the relationship she has with her adoptive family, as i'm sure she considers them her "real" family.

 

I guess what I am saying is never pass up an opportunity to love and be loved. SO many people have good relationships after finding each other. A friend of mine found her brothers and sisters when she was an adult. She found out her mother had passed on and her oldest sister, but with her full brother she had the greatest relationship and they felt very much at peace that they had each other.

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Thank you victoria, it is good to hear happy endings like that. I guess now I just have to figure out how in the world to go about finding her with the limited information I have.

 

Yes, that would be SO hard. I am sorry you have such limited information. Maybe a PI? Does the Agency have any archived files anywhere even if it it's self does not exist anymore? Any of the networking sites? Adds in a newspaper?

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I don't know. I haven't even really started looking besides tryin to google search the agency's name. I guess I wanted to get advice first on whether or not it was even a good idea to try to find her in the first place. But I think I would really like to at least let her know we are here for her if she ever would like to meet us. Now I guess I start the process of trying to find her.

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I think it really depends on how you see family playing a part in your life. For me, family is defined as the people who raised/surrounded you as you grew up. It's not defined by genes or blood or whatnot. Personally, I wouldn't have much drive to involve myself with a half-sibling that I suddenly discovered. Ultimately it's all in our heads.

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I think it really depends on how you see family playing a part in your life. For me, family is defined as the people who raised/surrounded you as you grew up. It's not defined by genes or blood or whatnot. Personally, I wouldn't have much drive to involve myself with a half-sibling that I suddenly discovered. Ultimately it's all in our heads.

 

ahh. see this is what I was thinking earlier. I just have so many conflicting thoughts right now. About what is best for my family, for her and hers, if I should just let it be, or reach out and maybe develop something really great with her. I think at the very least I'd be curious to see her. I just don't know right now. I mean if I had a some what easy way to contact her then maybe i'd write her a letter like some one suggested and let her take it from there, but I feel like it is going to take a lot of work and possibly money to find her.

 

I know she's not my full sister and that some people wouldn't care as much about it, but I still have this feeling that I should do something about it. Why did my mom even tell me at all? If I wasn't meant to do anything about it why tell me now after 22 years?

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If I were in your position I'd be confused but at the same time I can only think that your mom did what she can to provide her what was the best during that time.

 

Aside from that fact I'd be thrilled to meet anyone part of my family. Good luck

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I do know there are multiple websites out there for adoptees looking for adoptive parents and vice versa so you could start there if you have a date of birth and city. Another thing you might want to try is googling your mom's name and the city...back then, in some states, you had to publish the intent to adopt for a certain amount of time in the newspapers.

 

My SIL and I found my brother's birth family last year simply using google. Granted it was easier because we were looking for his parents and knew his mother's name (and it was a unique spelling) and guessed at his father's name (which happened to be the name she gave him at birth--which I knew). It sounds simple, but try googling stuff like her date of birth with "adopt" or the city or just the DOB. Good luck!!

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