Breaking up with her tonight

[gravity]

Tonight I'm breaking up with my GF of 2 years.

 

I snooped in her phone this morning and found incriminating texts between her and her ex. He visited last week . . . she acted sketchy but I have a history of jealousy so I actually acted very mature about everything (I was actually proud of how better I've gotten at trusting her). My suspicions were aroused yesterday since he's been calling her all week.

 

He called last night, she left the room to talk and when she came back shortly I asked what was up. She got defensive, said he wanted to "chit-chat" and that was all and that she told him to call her tomorrow.

 

This morning I got up and snooped in her phone (Bad, I know). Turns out they've been talking a lot every day for the past week (initiated by both of them). Wednesday night when we had a fight (about nothing, initiated by her, it was another warning sign) and she slept on the couch turns out she called him at 1 am and they talked for hours!

 

There were also texts between them where she said she missed sleeping with him, was imagining him naked, and thought they could still get married some day along with other sexy talk. No evidence she cheated but they definitely had the opportunity.

 

I'm not that mad even, hurt yes, but mostly just disappointed in her and confused by her actions. She was always telling me she loved me and wanted to be together, and doing small nice things for me always. She literally got me into college by filling out my applications. We loved each other.

 

I though we were good compliments for each other relationship-wise. we've lived together for a year now, moved to a different city together and are generally very intertwined. I'm rather dependent on her, her car, mostly her furniture and apartment things. I also don't have any close friends here either.

 

I've clearly stated form the beginning that if either of us got bored with the relationship that they should just speak up and end it like adults and not cheat or go behind the others back. So I feel betrayed.

 

Mainly I'm confused why she would stay with me all this time, she hates the city we live in now, hates her job here and wants go move to the same region as her ex (coincidence, he just moved there himself). SO WHY DIDN"T SHE JUST DO THAT????!?!?!

 

I'm confronting her tonight after she gets off work. Not really sure what to say since I snooped, but by this time tomorrow I'll probably be single and living with my ex in the same apartment.

 

Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated.

-gravity

[guynextdoor]

Seems like she's cheated on you emotionally so far. I feel your pain, try not to blow up and give her room to speak before you give her the boot.

[annie24]

you snooped, but you found out the sorts of things she was saying to her ex behind your back. so, i don't think you are in the wrong, she is. so don't let her turn things around on you.

 

i think breaking up is the right choice. definitely, i would move on. sorry about all of this.

[gravity]

Seems like she's cheated on you emotionally so far. I feel your pain, try not to blow up and give her room to speak before you give her the boot.

 

I'm pretty calm right now, but VERY nervous. Just got to keep my adrenaline under control.

 

I'll be giving her an opportunity to come clean first before I say what I know.

 

If you were in my situation, and decide to work it out . . .what ground rules would you lay down?

 

so far I've got:

-definitely no more talking/seeing him

-the right to check her phone & email whenever

 

I know she could still find a way to contact him but it's a start.

[KISSKISS]

these are all signs of cheating, or a future of cheating. these are some of the things i did when i used to go behind my bfs back. i think its ok to snoop, you found out things she was hiding from you. i'm sorry about what she's doing. it's not easy to deal with. i wish you the best.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I'm pretty calm right now, but VERY nervous. Just got to keep my adrenaline under control.

 

I'll be giving her an opportunity to come clean first before I say what I know.

 

If you were in my situation, and decide to work it out . . .what ground rules would you lay down?

 

so far I've got:

-definitely no more talking/seeing him

-the right to check her phone & email whenever

 

I know she could still find a way to contact him but it's a start.

 

I don't like this at all. This is not a healthy relationship. For you to sort of put her on a leash and say no more this or that is pointless because it is clear she wants him and is not willing to be faithful to you.

 

I would definitely get myself out of the apartment at all costs and break up with her.

[DN]

There were also texts between them where she said she missed sleeping with him, was imagining him naked, and thought they could still get married some day along with other sexy talk.

Yes, definitely time to break it off with her. Sorry you had to go through this but it is clear you are going to do the right thing.

[LivingToday]

I'm proud of you, you are taking this well and in a mature manner.

 

Just be careful of those ground rules, doesn't seem like that can end well when you give a person an 'ultimatum'.

 

Like you've been saying, I think you should end it 100%. You can do it man!

[gravity]

 

I would definitely get myself out of the apartment at all costs and break up with her.

 

Sadly, this isn't an option, I'm in the middle of my semester (broke, no job) . . .our lease goes 'til the end of august.

 

But on the plus side her parents hate me so they've had a standing offer to pay her rent if she leaves. (lol, never saw the good side of that 'till now)

 

if she does go, so does pretty much everything in the apartment, bummer.

[annie24]

well, whatever. buying furniture (even if it's from goodwill) is a heck of a lot better than a cheating gf!

[gravity]

I'm proud of you, you are taking this well and in a mature manner.

 

Thanks, I wish I could take the credit . . . but it's all thanks to this site and the level headedness of most helpful people here.

[guynextdoor]

Your ground rules isn't going to fly by her man. Its like controlling her, nobody wants that. If I was in your shoes I would break it off clean.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Sadly, this isn't an option, I'm in the middle of my semester (broke, no job) . . .our lease goes 'til the end of august.

 

But on the plus side her parents hate me so they've had a standing offer to pay her rent if she leaves. (lol, never saw the good side of that 'till now)

 

if she does go, so does pretty much everything in the apartment, bummer.

 

Like Annie just said, I'd rather sleep on the floor than share an apartment with someone like that. I have faith you'll figure it out somehow, just don't back down on breaking up with her. Even if it is just temporary, she needs a wakeup call.

[gravity]

well, whatever. buying furniture (even if it's from goodwill) is a heck of a lot better than a cheating gf!

 

 

lol, I definitely don't like IKEA furniture enough to put up with this!

[gravity]

Like Annie just said, I'd rather sleep on the floor than share an apartment with someone like that. I have faith you'll figure it out somehow, just don't back down on breaking up with her. Even if it is just temporary, she needs a wakeup call.

 

Actually, she'll be the one on the floor . . . the bed (which is new and soooo comfy) is mine!

 

I actually kinda liked her ex too . . . he seemed like a cool dude the one time I met him.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Well there is a positive thing!

 

Please update us on the situation after you confront her; I wish you luck.

[gravity]

Well there is a positive thing!

 

Please update us on the situation after you confront her; I wish you luck.

 

I'll definitely let you guys know how it goes and will probably be on here all week. I feel OK now but I bet things will get worse before they get better.

 

Anybody have any advise/experience for living with an EX?

[corrin]

Don't fret about snooping. You two are in a long term relationship and shouldn't have any secrets.

 

Did everything just start a week ago or is that as far back as you looked? You two have a lot of time invested in your relationship. What she is doing is wrong, but not unforgivable (assuming it hasn't gotten to a physical level). We are all human and can make mistakes - including being curious about your feelings for an ex. I don't think I would throw away a two year relationship because she had a momentary judgment lapse and started talking to her ex to kind of take her own temperature on your relationship. But if this has been going on for a weeks or months, while she's been with you, that is unforgivable. If that's the case, or if it has gotten physical, dump her.

[annie24]

he's posted other threads about her behavior though (apart from this ex) and yes, i wouldn't consider her long term relationship material myself. (like when she was bragging about dating her professors and TAs to get better grades in college).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good luck. I agree that it is better to end the relationship. If she is emotionally cheating on you then staying with her won't solve anything. She will just be more careful about not leaving tracks. You really won't be able to trust her.

[gravity]

Don't fret about snooping. You two are in a long term relationship and shouldn't have any secrets.

 

Did everything just start a week ago or is that as far back as you looked? You two have a lot of time invested in your relationship. What she is doing is wrong, but not unforgivable (assuming it hasn't gotten to a physical level). We are all human and can make mistakes - including being curious about your feelings for an ex. I don't think I would throw away a two year relationship because she had a momentary judgment lapse and started talking to her ex to kind of take her own temperature on your relationship. But if this has been going on for a weeks or months, while she's been with you, that is unforgivable. If that's the case, or if it has gotten physical, dump her.

 

I suspected her of similar things previously when I worked nights and she was in college. And snooped then too but found nothing substantial so i just chalked it up to my jealous leanings.

[BU191433]

She wasn't brave enough to tell you it is over. As someone who just dumped someone two days ago, let me tell you it is hard, and it sounds like she doesn't have the guts to breakup with you, so she is going behind your back.....

[AutumnBorn]

I think you shouldn't give her any reason at all. Just tell her it's over, no debate, no explanation, nothing. Ignore her questions why. Just tell her to look within herself for the answers.

[gravity]

he's posted other threads about her behavior though (apart from this ex) and yes, i wouldn't consider her long term relationship material myself. (like when she was bragging about dating her professors and TAs to get better grades in college).

 

Honestly, there were many red flags I chose to ignore in the beginning, as well as things which happened later in our relationship:

Elitist attitude.

Quick to judge

Telling stories which portray her in a bad light (see above).

Flirting with guys in front of me.

Referring to me as "a friend" to said guys.

CRAZY mother who manipulates and lies (she defrauded me of $500 when GF and I first moved in together).

CRAZY brother who spies for his mom, has no ambitions in life and once threatened to kill me.

She apparently was in an (according to her) ending LDR with another guy when we started.

Talking crap about me to her parents

Had an affair with an engaged man. (before we met)

 

That's a long list

 

That's all just off the top of my head!

 

Note to self: gravity, go with your gut, not your nuts!

[annie24]

yikes. you are better off without her!!!!