citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Excellent point, Kaytie. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 How will you feel if you respond and get silence again? Exactly. If you respond now, you will be waiting around for another reply from him which may take months or may never come at all and it will make you feel bad all over again. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I think I will not respond. Protecting myself is more important to me right now than contacting him. I believe his telling me about the death was an excuse to contact me after such a long time frame and I want out of the dance. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 You have to look at it this way... if this happened to you, and a friend send you an email during that month, you would have at least responded with a few words like, telling you when you emailed that you were busy because someone died, but you'd get back to them after the funeral etc. But he gave you NO response during that month, just let you hang out there to dry. That makes me think that he really either just is inconsiderate, or else sees you as a marginal player he doesn't want to keep close contact with, or he is using the death as an excuse for his own bad behavior now that he's in the mood to talk to you again. I'd just express condolences, but make him WORK for the friendship rather than ignoring you for long periods of time. He was rude doing that. And frankly, what is in this for you if he doesn't want to date you and you want to date him? It just gets you all stirred up for nothing. Link to comment
Kaytie Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I think I will not respond. Protecting myself is more important to me right now than contacting him. I believe his telling me about the death was an excuse to contact me after such a long time frame and I want out of the dance. Glad to hear it!! Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I just think he's not worth it as a person. Someone who doesn't stay around to care for a friend when they need it the most. I certainly would not do such a thing. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I think I will not respond. Protecting myself is more important to me right now than contacting him. I believe his telling me about the death was an excuse to contact me after such a long time frame and I want out of the dance. How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this Am I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out It's time the truth was out that he don't give a **** about me Fiona Apple Get Gone Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I don't know when the death occurred. But yeah, it doesn't change the fact that he ignored me for all those weeks. It's very hard because I care so much about him. This is terrible news, I don't want him to be sad or stressed out. But I can't get past how he ignored me for so long..and then seeing him on Match. Link to comment
citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I'd just express condolences, but make him WORK for the friendship rather than ignoring you for long periods of time. . I agree with LavenderDove and would take that thought a step further -- he hasn't been much of a friend to you, and he doesn't deserve your friendship. He doesn't even deserve the chance to work for your friendship. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I don't know when the death occurred. But yeah, it doesn't change the fact that he ignored me for all those weeks. It's very hard because I care so much about him. This is terrible news, I don't want him to be sad or stressed out. But I can't get past how he ignored me for so long..and then seeing him on Match. He wasn't too sad or stressed to get himself on dating sites! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I think you can respond by simply expressing the appropriate condolences and leave it at that. Clearly, if he truly felt like you two were together and close he would have told you about the death long before now. I think this makes it very clear that you are really on the sidelines of his life. His contact simply warrants and expression of condolences like you would do for anyone who contacted you with news of a death in the family. I would not say anything more to him..there just wouldn't be any point..the writing is on the wall. I think this is the best advice. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 He wasn't too sad or stressed to get himself on dating sites! True. I don't know, I have a feeling the death has occurred within the last few days, though. But still, I know he hasn't been there for me. I'll probably end up contacting him just because it's a terrible tragedy - I don't know which son-in-law died, but he has grandbabies from both daughters. It's terrible, sad news. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 If the death did occur in the last few days, then it is even worse for him to be using this as a reason for not contacting you. I can't blame you for caring because that's the type of person you are. But if he needs a friend right now and is contacting you for that, he doesn't deserve it. He can't pick and choose when to be friends. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 he is using the death as an excuse for his own bad behavior now that he's in the mood to talk to you again. i would almost guarantee that is what happened. he really has no regard for your feelings. he wants to talk to you when its convenient for him and thats it. he probably felt guilty for ignoring your contact and used this as an excuse to get back in touch. personally i would send my condolenses and be the better and bigger person, but if it would set you back greatly, i can understand why you want to ignore this contact. Link to comment
Mizz J Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 You know what bothers me about all this?? Aside from the fact he's been an asshat to you...is that he is using HIS loss to burden YOU. A person who he KNOWS has been through hell herself...and who he has not even bothered to check in on.THAT is not something a 'friend' would do....PERIOD. Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Why not just say 'I'm sorry to hear of your loss, please offer my condolences to your family'. Therefore you've covered the politeness base and can run back round to the NC base. Your message doesn't require a reply and therefore doesn't keep you hanging around waiting for him, but it settles your own anxiety about appearing insensitive to his pain (despite him being entirely insensitive to yours). Link to comment
Kaytie Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 You know what bothers me about all this?? Aside from the fact he's been an asshat to you...is that he is using HIS loss to burden YOU. A person who he KNOWS has been through hell herself...and who he has not even bothered to check in on.THAT is not something a 'friend' would do....PERIOD. Yup.......... Link to comment
citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 You know what bothers me about all this?? Aside from the fact he's been an asshat to you...is that he is using HIS loss to burden YOU. A person who he KNOWS has been through hell herself...and who he has not even bothered to check in on.THAT is not something a 'friend' would do....PERIOD. Applause, applause. It's also very possible he's running to MissKitty because his online match(es) didn't work out. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 Applause, applause. It's also very possible he's running to MissKitty because his online match(es) didn't work out. Yes, I thought of that. It makes sense. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 No,trust me. I have been him and I'm a female. I wasn't having sex with the person but I knew that he would be waiting by the phone when and if I ever decided to call because he was my plan B. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I know he hasn't treated me so good, but it was a tragedy in his family and maybe I will respond. It's the right thing to do. And it's not a big deal, I guess. He doesn't even live here, so it's not like he would be asking to see me anytime soon. I can handle one email or phone call. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I would be a total skeez and ignore him. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I would be a total skeez and ignore him. Lol! I will sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow. I want to be a good person and do the right thing - but he really hurt me these past few weeks. Link to comment
Mizz J Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 My concern is that you will write or email him back to be 'nice' and you may not even get a response. And if you're being honest with yourself..part of the reason you want to talk to him is to see if he will even explain himself and his behavior towards you. I only say this because of the recent threads you have written about him. Can you honestly be nice to him ...after ALL the anger and hurt you you have felt..without EVER expecting an explanation or an apology?? And why is it the 'right thing' to do?? Where is that written?? If it's to ease your OWN conscience that's fine, but don't stuff your own feelings for the sake of his. He doesn't deserve it IMO. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 My concern is that you will write or email him back to be 'nice' and you may not even get a response. And if you're being honest with yourself..part of the reason you want to talk to him is to see if he will even explain himself and his behavior towards you. I only say this because of the recent threads you have written about him. Can you honestly be nice to him ...after ALL the anger and hurt you you have felt..without EVER expecting an explanation or an apology?? And why is it the 'right thing' to do?? Where is that written?? If it's to ease your OWN conscience that's fine, but don't stuff your own feelings for the sake of his. He doesn't deserve it IMO. I think at this point I would be okay with no response. He's been out of my life for awhile now. I just feel badly about this guy dying and the impact it will have on my sort-of-ex and his family (his daughters and grandbabies). Link to comment
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