RougeKali823 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I know he hasn't treated me so good, but it was a tragedy in his family and maybe I will respond. It's the right thing to do. And it's not a big deal, I guess. He doesn't even live here, so it's not like he would be asking to see me anytime soon. I can handle one email or phone call. Ok, just understand that this is teaching him that you are content with being mistreated and having your feelings not be considered, so long as he is taken care of. If I were him I would probably do this to you again if you responded and I would do so under the assumption that you know you are not important to me and are willing to remain that way. Misskitty-aren't you worth more than this? I mean I have mastered the art of dropping men (probably a little too well) and I can tell you that you have taught him that you are ok with being mistreated. I have been him and I kept the guy hanging around because I could not because I ever intended to be with him or even really cared about him. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 Here's what I think. I think he met someone on that stupid website at about the same time he was supposed to come to town to see me. Which is why he never came, gave me no explanation and why I stopped hearing from him. I think it didn't work out and now he is feeling badly for how he treated me. I think sometime recently during all this, the death occurred, thus giving him an excuse to contact me. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I know this may be a horrible thought, but has the thought ever crossed your mind that he could be lying to you about the death? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I think this is a situation where you need to look at your long-term conscience....forget about what a jerk he is for a moment....if you had a female friend with whom you had a falling out...and suddenly out of the blue this female friend left a message that her daughter's husband died...now you know that the female friend had not been much of a friend to you...but here she is, calling you about some tragic news in her family...what would you do...would you contact her in some way, maybe via email, and give your condolences, or would you ignore the fact that she called you to tell you about this tragedy. It is one thing if you read about the death in an obituary notice..then I would say don't bother contacting him...but he called you with the news....you don't have to call him back, you can simply send him an email and just know that this is where it stops for you...you keep it formal and brief so that there is an underlying message that you are being polite but that's as far as it goes. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I totally agree with CAD on this! Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 You are right. Friendship shouldn't be a scorekeeping thing. Yeah, he treated me shabbily, but something awful has happened to his family and I just don't feel right not acknowledging it. I will email him in the morning. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I know this may be a horrible thought, but has the thought ever crossed your mind that he could be lying to you about the death? Ren, no, I've never known him to lie to me. He may act wishy-washy and blow hot and cold, but he is a very honest man. Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Here's what I think. I think he met someone on that stupid website at about the same time he was supposed to come to town to see me. Which is why he never came, gave me no explanation and why I stopped hearing from him. I think it didn't work out and now he is feeling badly for how he treated me. I think sometime recently during all this, the death occurred, thus giving him an excuse to contact me. But it's just as possible that he doesn't really care that much, but knows that when he has a rejection or a failure, he can go back to you for a little ego-bolstering and friendship, and then off he'll go back into the world again, leaving you wondering what happened this time. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 But it's just as possible that he doesn't really care that much, but knows that when he has a rejection or a failure, he can go back to you for a little ego-bolstering and friendship, and then off he'll go back into the world again, leaving you wondering what happened this time. Another valid point. My head is spinning... Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I still feel better erring on the side of compassion, though. One email won't kill me and it's the kind thing to do. Link to comment
Mizz J Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Another valid point. My head is spinning... So if your intention is JUST to offer your condolences...why should it matter??? THIS is why I said I think it's a bad idea to respond. If you're honest with yourself...you'll agree. Link to comment
citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 If I had treated someone the way he has treated you.... And if I had a loss in the family.... And if in a moment of weakness or longing or whatever, I reached out and contacted someone I had dumped..... I wouldn't have the balls to be hurt or offended if my ex didn't respond. If my ex didn't respond, I would assume that that person still wished me well but wanted to steer clear of the drama and crazy-making hot and cold behavior. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 This is how I would try to make a decision: what will hurt YOUR emotional well being more: a) being in touch with him, worrying about why he contacted you, why he has stopped again - i.e. the risk of being back in the same mess as before b) the thought (one day) that someone (regardless of his character, your history with this person) has reached out for sympathy/ support and you didn't respond with a simple line Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 So if your intention is JUST to offer your condolences...why should it matter??? THIS is why I said I think it's a bad idea to respond. If you're honest with yourself...you'll agree. I just can't ignore him after a family member has died. I just wouldn't feel right about it. It must have been terribly tragic - both his son-in-laws are very young guys. Sheesh - probably a car accident or something. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 This is how I would try to make a decision: what will hurt YOUR emotional well being more being in touch with him, worrying about why he contacted you, why he has stopped again - i.e. the risk of being back in the same mess as before b) the thought (one day) that someone (regardless of his character, your history with this person) has reached out for sympathy/ support and you didn't respond with a simple line Def B. My decision is made. I cannot turn my back to him after such a terrible thing has happened. It's just an email. It's not like I'll be seeing him, he lives very far away. Link to comment
citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I just can't ignore him after a family member has died. I just wouldn't feel right about it. . How does he even know you got the voicemail? He couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and check on you when you were in chemo. For all he knows, you could be in the hospital right now! Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I think are lonely and that you are looking for some sort of validation from this man which he is unwilling to give you. Sadly, I don't think there is anything more that I can say to convince you that you are condoning his mistreatment of you. Link to comment
citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 If you're sure, absolutely positive, that you can send that condolences email and expect nothing whatsoever in return -- and also be OK with him feeling like the door remains open for him to continue to contact you sporadically --- then go for it. If you send him condolences, though, then what happens 30 or 60 days from now when he leaves another voicemail for you asking you to call him so he can tell you all about how he and his family are working through the grief process? Or the hell he's been through helping his daughter and grandchildren cope with the loss? IMO this is going to open a can of worms. Link to comment
Mizz J Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 MK..I know you're a sweet person and you feel bad but all you're going to be doing is rewarding his bad behavior. Did he even ask how you were doing or inquire about you? Or was it just to ask you to call him??? Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 If you're sure, absolutely positive, that you can send that condolences email and expect nothing whatsoever in return -- and also be OK with him feeling like the door remains open for him to continue to contact you sporadically --- then go for it. If you send him condolences, though, then what happens 30 or 60 days from now when he leaves another voicemail for you asking you to call him so he can tell you all about how he and his family are working through the grief process? Or the hell he's been through helping his daughter and grandchildren cope with the loss? IMO this is going to open a can of worms. I am prepared for whatever happens. I just want to do the right thing. Link to comment
Mizz J Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I will bow out of this thread...you've made up your mind.... I sincerely hope I am wrong about this.best of luck with your decision. Link to comment
citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I am prepared for whatever happens. I just want to do the right thing. You're a better person than I am. I don't know, I can't say that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't be wrestling with these same questions. You obviously have a big heart and a great capacity for compassion. It seems to me that there is somebody out there who is really going to appreciate how special you are, one of these days. You really are such a caring person, MissKitty! I just hate to see you in a position where your kindness could be abused or used against you .... especially after all you've been through. Link to comment
Clarity Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I agree that no response is best, but if you have decided to respond, keep it short (and don't worry about that not sounding supportive - you don't owe him any level of sympathy here) and formal. I would almost write it as if to a business acquaintance. Secondly, you should ONLY write it if you are prepared: a) for no response for him and b) to go into NC if he responds by trying to keep the conversation going. Please agree with us that there is no way on earth you should continue any form of relationship with this man. For your own sake! Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I just sent the email. It was short and sweet. If he doesn't respond, i'm fine with it. I know I did the right thing. I'm going to bed now, but will let you know if hear back tomorrow. Thank you so much for all your replies....! Link to comment
citymouse Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Sleep well, MissKitty. Link to comment
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