HellFrost666 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 My girlfriend was married when I met her. I am someone who's knowingly dated a married person. There's two sides to every story... Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 My girlfriend was married when I met her. I am someone who's knowingly dated a married person. There's two sides to every story... What's yours? What was your mindframe going in, and what's got you believing she wouldn't do the same to you? Link to comment
supercalifragilistic Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I agree with you, Seymore. I would not date someone who did this and if I found out after falling head over heels in love, after talks of marriage, I would seriously reconsider...at the very least I would want my partner to seek counseling...alone and with me so I could figure out if this says something about their character or it was just a fluke. I have a huge problem with people who don't respect other people's relationships. Whether they are married, engaged or just boyfriend and girlfriend. If you know someone is dating you stay out! No cheating, and specially no emotional cheating. Link to comment
Cheeks18 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 What's yours? What was your mindframe going in, and what's got you believing she wouldn't do the same to you? Not try to jump in on the convo or anything... I am in a way dating a married person....My mind set is, She a great person and hasnt had respect or love almost her entire life so far.....I'm making her the happeist she has been in her entire life....Kinda living in the moment and we both know it cant ever be more even after her kids go away to school and she gets the divorce...... Link to comment
HellFrost666 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 What's yours? What was your mindframe going in, and what's got you believing she wouldn't do the same to you? Her marriage was dead in the water when I met her. Her ex was abusive. He cheated on her with 6 different women (and those are just the ones she knows about.) In fact, the night I met her, he was out messing around on her with a girl he met online. Her and I had a really intense connection right from the beginning. And it's hard for me to connect with people... The fact that I felt so comfortable with her and she was so easy to talk to made the fact that she was married seem insignificant. One thing I had to really figure out though... was if I really had genuine feelings for her, or was I just trying to rescue her from a bad situation. She moved out of the apartment she shared with her husband shortly after we met. And they filed for divorce not long after that. People have called me a homewrecker... my response to that is always the same: There was no home to wreck. As for what makes me think she wouldn't do the same to me. That comes with time. It's not like I went into this relationship not trusting her at all. But I was cautious in the beginning. She was cautious of me in the beginning too... she'd been cheated on so much by then that I think it was only natural for her to feel that way. Now we've been together over four years and she's never once given me any reason to suspect her of anything. Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 That's a thought provoking take. I think your situation falls more into the grey area, some would say black, some would maybe say white. Not saying I agree with it, but it's definitely not the common story. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 No way unless she was 40 and it happened only once at age 18 or something. If they don't respect someone else's marriage, that pretty much means they don't really respect marriage as an institution. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Another problem is that almost every single cheater says: - the marriage is over - my wife/husband is an awful mean person - I'm not having sex with him/her anymore - I'm planning on leaving - This affair is the real deal - I didn't expect or plan for this to happen Sometimes all of the above is true, but at lot of the time it isn't. The "mistress/mister" is very disillusioned to find out that there is still very much a bond between husband and wife. Especially when they are young, people on the receiving end (the ones dating the married person) of this will believe it and wait out the marriage, before realizing that the cheater never had any intention of leaving. That's why I'm skeptical of some of these grey areas - in a lot of cases it's people not being honest with themselves, or people being very naive. Hellfrost's case is one where I sympathize, especially given that the husband actually WAS abusive, and that his girlfriend did in fact end her marriage and get out right away. Link to comment
HellFrost666 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 That's a thought provoking take. I think your situation falls more into the grey area, some would say black, some would maybe say white. Not saying I agree with it, but it's definitely not the common story. Most people I talked to told me it was wrong and I should just stay away from her... He had her convinced she couldn't do any better. She was staying with him because of that, and because like in most abusive relationships she was afraid to leave. Link to comment
metafisics Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Whilst I would not go out with a married man for a number of reasons, I am not judgemental of people who do for reasons already mentioned by other posters above, its not a black and white issue. I really dont believe in the concept of "home wrecking" by a third party. I always say your wife/husband does not get taken away from you by athird party, they leave you, willingly. Experts say cheating is a symptom of something wrong in the marriage and both parties have a responsibility to make it work. It always seems the "home wrecker" is to blame. No! If anybody is to blame are the parties in the marriage who made "for better or worse etc" vows. In case someone thinks I am being insensitive, my father did cheat on my mother and have children outside marriage to show for it. However, I really dont think the women who cheated with him are bad people. Which leads me to flip the coin, would you marry a divorced man/woman who's marriage ended due to his/her infidelty? In my experience, a lot of people do! Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 Whilst I would not go out with a married man for a number of reasons, I am not judgemental of people who do for reasons already mentioned by other posters above, its not a black and white issue. I really dont believe in the concept of "home wrecking" by a third party. I always say your wife/husband does not get taken away from you by athird party, they leave you, willingly. Experts say cheating is a symptom of something wrong in the marriage and both parties have a responsibility to make it work. It always seems the "home wrecker" is to blame. No! If anybody is to blame are the parties in the marriage who made "for better or worse etc" vows. Two to tango. I'm not saying they're being "taken away", as both participants are to blame. If a man knowingly goes after a married woman, he is playing a role in part in the destruction of a marriage, and he is a homewrecker. Switch man and woman around, whatever. It obviously doesn't help matters, and that's why I believe it should be avoided, situations like hellfrost's aside. The one interfering has the choice to refuse participating. Both parties have a responsibility to make it work, yes, which means that both parties have a responsibility to not ruin it any further. Link to comment
rosephase Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I have dated a married man. It was with the consent of his wife. I understand that this isn’t what you asking about but I wanted to mention it. There are a lot of different people in the world with lots of different morals, goals and desires. Link to comment
metafisics Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Two to tango. I'm not saying they're being "taken away", as both participants are to blame. If a man knowingly goes after a married woman, he is playing a role in part in the destruction of a marriage, and he is a homewrecker. Switch man and woman around, whatever. It obviously doesn't help matters, and that's why I believe it should be avoided, situations like hellfrost's aside. The one interfering has the choice to refuse participating. Both parties have a responsibility to make it work, yes, which means that both parties have a responsibility to not ruin it any further. With all due respect Seymore, I dont believe they play a part in the distruction, but they play a part in hilighting the flaws in the relationship. I personally believe in the sanctity of marriage, as a result, I would not enter a marriage where there are signs that it might not stand a chance. A marriage built of playing-cards where its survival would depend on external people not blowing it, lest it collapses. If by any chance I missed the telling signs before I get married and the marriage collapses (hoping it happens sooner than later), it would hurt but I would think good riddance, as this would mean my husbands love for me was not strong enough after all. Let me put it this way, I'd be happy if my husband stayed with me even though some women are throwing themselves at him than if he stayed "faithful" because the women he approaches are rejecting him. I know your point is, they should divorce before dating, but the truth is most people are afraid of being alone. So? They date before going out. I know it stinks for the other party and I'd hate it too but would blame my husband and not the other party. Whilst I strongly believe that single people should not sell themselves short by dating unavailable people, I equally believe married people should not sell themselves short by milking out hopeless marriages. Link to comment
enchanted771 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 well past is the past, i am not going to hold the past against that person. I mean as long as they didnt do that a month ago or anything. People do stupid things in their lives, were all imperfect. Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 I have dated a married man. It was with the consent of his wife. I understand that this isn’t what you asking about but I wanted to mention it. There are a lot of different people in the world with lots of different morals, goals and desires. Hey, if you swing that way and all parties are straight with it, rock on. Definitely not the average situation, however. Link to comment
notquitepsycho Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 What if the Married person was no longer in love with there spouse, and hadn't been for the past 5 years......and is only staying in the marriage to afford the kids to go to college, and obviously for the mental anguish it puts on the children?? This is something I'll never understand -- then again, I'm the child of divorced parents. How on earth can it be more anguish-causing for the children if the parents split than if they stay and are unhappy? I was very young when my parents split up, but I still remember hiding under the desk in the living room during fights, and other times my older sister making us both stay in our room while they were screaming at each other. Sure I missed my dad when they did split and we moved in with my grandparents, but it was much more peaceful there than it was to get woken up by yelling and screaming and throwing things. And the only time I had to hide under a desk there was when we played hide and seek. Link to comment
Cheeks18 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 This is something I'll never understand -- then again, I'm the child of divorced parents. How on earth can it be more anguish-causing for the children if the parents split than if they stay and are unhappy? I was very young when my parents split up, but I still remember hiding under the desk in the living room during fights, and other times my older sister making us both stay in our room while they were screaming at each other. Sure I missed my dad when they did split and we moved in with my grandparents, but it was much more peaceful there than it was to get woken up by yelling and screaming and throwing things. And the only time I had to hide under a desk there was when we played hide and seek. My Childhood was exactly the same, and my parents did split as well......but not after the screaming and yelling....I would build forts and hide....It wasn't enjoyable..... The person I am seeing doesnt get in fights....they dont even communicate unless it has to do with getting the children from point A to point B.....Trust me I tell her the best thing to do is get a divorce....but I cant force anything on anyone..... Link to comment
quirky Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 well past is the past, i am not going to hold the past against that person. I mean as long as they didnt do that a month ago or anything. People do stupid things in their lives, were all imperfect. This. Also HellFrost's story is more common than you think. I haven't dated a married person, I wouldn't do it. But I have a friend who has had casual sex with a married man and I've told her I'm really against it and that she shouldn't allow it. Some people really don't take things seriously at all. But I put most blame on the guy because he's the one with the commitment. Link to comment
dragon lady Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Hmm, it would depend on the situation. I can't say for sure either way. Generally I don't see OW or OM as accountable for ruining marriages. They don't owe anyone anything, unlike the married folks involved. But, it would probably be best to avoid someone who got thrills out of dating someone who was married- for that reason. In addition, I can't think of any excuse for being okay with dating a past cheater. That's far, far, far worse, in my opinion. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 i will date anyone i like Link to comment
waveseer Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I agree with midnight. Some people figure out that married folks are off limits without trying it, and some have to try it to find out. As long as they arrived at the compatible attitude, what difference does it make how they got there? Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 I'm not really debating how they got to the conclusion, but how people would perceive that person and if they would write such a person off based on such behavior/moral code. (Unless I'm misunderstanding you, waveseer - you tend to be a little too deep for me at times ) Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 As with most things in life, it depends. I'm aware of situations where people have had extremely long separations, where one party wasn't willing to give the other party a divorce, and where the couple actually couldn't afford a divorce at the time. I think the tell-tale sign is deception. If they're hiding the other person from their spouse, they're probably lying. If not, they're probably telling the truth. Link to comment
waveseer Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 I'm not really debating how they got to the conclusion, but how people would perceive that person and if they would write such a person off based on such behavior/moral code. (Unless I'm misunderstanding you, waveseer - you tend to be a little too deep for me at times ) I meant that it depends if they had mended their ways. I also agree that in the cases of long separations (likely legal ones) the marriage is already over. Link to comment
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