Is it good to give a child a lot of affection?

[BellaDonna]

My sister left my nephew with us for a day and I was wondering about this. We were all holding the baby a lot, talking to him, cuddling him and all. We are all warm, tactile and loving family. My sister said that children that are raised with a lot of love and affection become more confident and independent. I thought that maybe if you receive a lot of love you will be missing it when you grow up. What do you think?

 

To me, as a mother, it only feels natural to show affection to my son. I hug him, kiss him, and tell him that I love him too many times to count each day.

 

When he cried as an infant (and he cried a lot- 6 months straight actually from acid reflux) it never felt "right" to me to let him cry it out. I had to pick him up, even if I was exhausted. Otherwise I would feel heartbroken.

 

It's different now- he's 2- if he wakes up at night and I know there is nothing wrong with him, I will let him fuss and he eventually falls back to sleep. He is a toddler and he is trying to test boundaries- and I can tell if something is wrong immediately, or if he is just bored at 3am. lol But when they are little infants they are calling you when they cry. That was one call I could never ignore.

 

My husband and I give our child a lot of affection. What makes me feel the best about all of it is that now he is engaging in imagination play and he will hug and kiss his stuffed animals and say "nice" while cuddling them. He also exhibits kindness to other children as well. That tells me that world feels like a safe place to him. I always want him to feel safe and loved.

 

Sometimes people equate affectionate parenting with "spoiling". The 2 are NOT the same. I have no problem disciplining my child and I will not raise him to believe that he is the best or most important person in the world at everything he does. But I will offer hugs, kisses for "boo-boo's", cuddling, and the safety of affection. That's what moms (and dads) are for, in my mind. I get all the smooches in now, while I can. Because eventually he will grow up and not want as many.

 

IMO, you can never give a baby or child too much love.

[glegend]

My sister said that children that are raised with a lot of love and affection become more confident and independent.

 

I actually herd something like this on the radio months ago. I would say it was between April to about June. They were saying that in Britain they had found that children who were raised with lots of love and affection do well in life. Especially in school. They found that children who are not raised in a home where love and affection is a standard, struggle with school, life, and sometimes they end up trouble.

 

I do have to say when children are babies, they tend to pick up some bad habbits. Like if you are always holding them, they get used to it and sometimes thats all they want is to be held. Example would be my uncle and my nephew. My uncle would never let my nephew to play on his own, he always wanted to be holding him and playing with him in his arms. It got to the point that when my uncle would enter a room and my nephew would see him, my newphew would immediatley want to be picked up and held.

 

I agree that children should get a good amount of love and affection. If they do something wronge they need to be disciplined. I feel that my parents never gave me enough and still don't give me any and I feel that I turned out the way I did because of that. I see that I struggled with school, while my sister doesn't.

[quirky]

Yeah, I wasn't sure what's good or not because I've heard of the "cry it out" method as well but in my heart I can only imagine that love breeds more love.

 

Do you think that receiving a lot of love makes the children more dependant on the parents? My mum was very generous and giving and me and my sister are very dependant on her still.

[BellaDonna]

Wanting to be held is only natural for a small infant. They are not meant/desgined to be independent creatures yet at that tiny age.

 

As a parent you have to help encourage them to explore their surroundings and let them know that it is safe to do so. Once my son learned how to crawl he hardly wanted to be held any more. He'd stiffen up and wriggle away and get mad if I tried to hold him for too long. He would basically just take off and see what trouble he could get into. He'd look over to be sure I saw what he was doing, and that I was there to share smiles about it. It is indeed important to let them play independently but also be within reach so that they have a secure attachment. The more secure they are, the more they will explore the world around them. A secure attachment is fostered by providing a lot of love and predictability in their environment.

 

The central theme of attachment theory is that mothers who are available and responsive to their infant's needs establish a sense of security. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world.

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Do you think that receiving a lot of love makes the children more dependant on the parents? My mum was very generous and giving and me and my sister are very dependant on her still.

 

I don't think love/physical affection causes dependency (in adulthood). I think a lack of structure or lack of experiences that could lead to independence/confident decision making could cause it, and that is not the same as love.

[Hope75]

This is exactly what I meant by following your instinct or 'gut'. If it feels wrong (as in leaving a crying infant alone in the crib) than it's wrong for your family.

 

If you think about it, humans are the only species that puts their young in a separate room to sleep alone, away from their mother. And in many countries families bed share and women wear their babies all day right up next to their bodies where they feel save, secure and loved. Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

[Seraphim]

This is exactly what I meant by following your instinct or 'gut'. If it feels wrong (as in leaving a crying infant alone in the crib) than it's wrong for your family.

 

If you think about it, humans are the only species that puts their young in a separate room to sleep alone, away from their mother. And in many countries families bed share and women wear their babies all day right up next to their bodies where they feel save, secure and loved. Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

 

It is pretty much western societies that separate child from the mother to sleep. My son co slept with me. He did so into toddlerhood. And he would always leap into bed to cuddle with me when he was older.It was far more "right" for me and him to be physically close as he ate every 2 hours without fail 24/7. He started sleep walking in very early toddlerhood. It was far easier for me to attend to his needs plus he was way more secure that way emotionally.

[Hope75]

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It is pretty much western societies that separate child from the mother to sleep. My son co slept with me. He did so into toddlerhood. And he would always leap into bed to cuddle with me when he was older.It was far more "right" for me and him to be physically close as he ate every 2 hours without fail 24/7. He started sleep walking in very early toddlerhood. It was far easier for me to attend to his needs plus he was way more secure that way emotionally.

 

Just to clear up terminology, 'co-sleeping' is sleeping in the same room with your children, and 'bed-sharing' is sleeping in the same bed.

[Hope75]

Yeah, I wasn't sure what's good or not because I've heard of the "cry it out" method as well but in my heart I can only imagine that love breeds more love.

 

Do you think that receiving a lot of love makes the children more dependant on the parents? My mum was very generous and giving and me and my sister are very dependant on her still.

 

Studies show it actually results in the opposite, secure, independent children.

[FortunateOne]

I believe in Attachment Theory as I posted at the start of this thread but my over zealous opinion debate made my contribution mute.

[sidehop]

It's very important, studies after studies show physical affection affects virtually all forms of child's development.

 

Though I didn't grow up with a lot of physical affection due to my culture, I was still cared for & loved in many ways but that physical affection still to this is something I'm always needing from my wife (like a baby really...). I try to give our daughter as much physical affection as possible without her feeling like we're all over her or catering to her needs every second. The boundary still has to be established to know when she does not need/cannot have such affection.

 

Not to get too off topic but co-sleeping is encouraged whereas in the US it seems as though SIDS is very common due to the fact that a lot of parents don't co-sleep with their newborns. Added to the fact that if the child is not breastfed the risk becomes much higher. I think it was an interesting thing to read after one of my wife's friends did more research on the topic. I know if we ever have another baby, she'll be co-sleeping with the baby...(or twins, triplets eeek)

[Hope75]

Yes it's a very controversial topic as some pediatricians tell parents that co sleeping contributes to SIDs, when in actuality the risk of suffocation rises when parents inadvertently roll on their children. This is rare though and if certain guidelines are followed (i.e. not taking certain medications or alcohol before bed, not co sleeping on certain types of mattresses like memory foam or feather beds) Those risks are minimal.

 

And breastfeeding rates in the US are low compared to other countries, and you're right, BF does lower the risk of SIDS also.

[Seraphim]

Well, I did bed sharing with my son and he was breastfed. He had tons of physical affection as a baby and toddler and even still he gets hugged many times a day. He is a far more loving person for it I am sure and he is gaining a lot in independance and he has far more esteem than I do or his father does.

[sidehop]

Yes it's a very controversial topic as some pediatricians tell parents that co sleeping contributes to SIDs, when in actuality the risk of suffocation rises when parents inadvertently roll on their children. This is rare though and if certain guidelines are followed (i.e. not taking certain medications or alcohol before bed, not co sleeping on certain types of mattresses like memory foam or feather beds) Those risks are minimal.

 

And breastfeeding rates in the US are low compared to other countries, and you're right, BF does lower the risk of SIDS also.

 

That's one thing we couldn't do as we do have a memory foam, she did have her own bed which was firm but made sure the crib had no gaps of any kind with the monitor turned up high...even then my wife was worried sick which I never blamed her.

 

I'm not sure why the breastfeeding is low here in the US, never read up on it. While I forget which European nation that has 97% breastfeeding rate is a norm to have breastfeeding moms everywhere in public. Which brings up stories like the incident on Delta where the breastfeeding mom was kicked out of the plane because she wasn't being discreet...maybe it's the take on this country that needs to change? I for one was pretty pissed to hear an incident like that to ever think a mother need to be discreet to feed a baby who needs the nutrition and nurture. It's just oversize boobs, nothing more.

 

Well, I did bed sharing with my son and he was breastfed. He had tons of physical affection as a baby and toddler and even still he gets hugged many times a day. He is a far more loving person for it I am sure and he is gaining a lot in independance and he has far more esteem than I do or his father does.

 

That's great, we're doing that a lot with our daughter and do see a big difference in the way she interacts with us.

[thejigsup]

I was never shown a lot of affection when I was a child. I grew up to be pretty independent and capable. I know kids who are loved and shown much affection do this also. I don't think it makes as much difference as studies show. As long as there is no abuse and a child's needs are met, they should be okay. I knew my mom loved me, she just wasn't physical about it. I was very affectionate to my son, and he is nowher near as independent of self-sufficient as I am, in fact, life in general sometimes overwhelms him. I do believe there is a happy medium in all of this, I just don't know what it is.

[Catdancer]

As Jig pointed out, there is a happy medium. I am slowly learning this with my son. He is almost 10 months old and he needs the structure, routine, stability and confidence to allow him to trust me and to trust himself so that he can crawl around on his own and explore, learn, interact with people, even strangers, without freaking out.

 

I think consistancy is really important. They must have a stable home in which they feel free to express themselves and to trust themselves enough to want to explore without hanging onto mommy or daddy. Yet, they need the constant reassurance that you are there for them, but just far away enough that you'll catch them should they fall.

[Seraphim]

As long as people do not confuse affection with "spoiling". Affection does not mean that you do everything for someone, buy them everything in the world, do not make them accountable or not teach them life lessons. Affection and spoiling are two entirely different issues.

 

Plus not all children are the same. Some NEED more physical affection than others. Know your child.

[sidehop]

There's a medium I agree. My wife when it comes to physical affection is not as easy and sometimes says it's awkward. And that's the way it is for some even though she shows a lot of physical affection towards my daughter.

 

And I agree with Vic, it is completely different from smothering the child and spoiling. That happens on a rare occasion with us. I want her to know she's loved but for her to differentiate between love and tough love.

 

My mother in law is a perfect example of how NOT to raise children or grandchildren but spoiling and giving everything and anything a child wants. But some parents were just raised that way which I don't blame them.

[MermaidSoul]

CHILDREN. NEED. LOVE. Take it from a kid who's parents never say "I love you."

[sophie274]

One of my favorite cartoons on this subject (sort of):

 

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By the way, I agree that children cannot have too much love and affection, but the above is still funny!