Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday the bad renter left after spending 1 night here.

I wanted to get a cup of coffee with my husband before heading to work. Got ready, came down, and saw the renter sitting in the living room. I thought 'okay, well, I guess they will be spending time together now, so no point in hoping to get coffee with husband'. I quickly talked to husband in our bedroom "I am leaving now, have fun today"

I was upset already to find out that the renter still had the key and I didn't want to be around the renter at all.

Exchanged some texts with our common friend before going to work and she mentioned that the renter was not going to spend time with my husband because (he claimed) that my husband told him that he did not want the renter to hang around.

Texted husband during lunch break "Forgot to pack my lunch in a rush. Heading home for lunch. Hope you are having a great day!"

He let me know that he was home alone. Wow, didn't expect that.

When I got home, he let me know that the renter left almost immediately after I left. He didn't want to hang around. My husband asked him to stay Friday night and spend Friday and Saturday with him, but the renter declined and said that he didn't feel that he was welcomed in our home.

I got mad "Honestly, I'm relieved that he left. What welcome is he expecting? If he feels so unwelcomed, why retain the key and spend the night here? He could have easily spent the night at our friend's place. And when you asked him to spend some time together, he turns you down saying he feels unwelcomed? What an Ahole! I hope that you wake up to see what person he is."

 

As it turns out, there is another reason behind his anger.

Our common friend told him "M (the 22 year-old girl that she was trying to hook him up with) and you would be together by now, but after you left she went back to her fiance'. Why don't you rent a place here closeby? Then you can spend time with her and may be she will leave her fiance'." So, this guy now hates me even more because I am the reason he is not with someone.

[marshmlofluff]

I wonder why feeling unwelcome didn't bother the renter when he lived with you for over a year.

 

At least your husband is consistently respecting your wishes. That is good.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, that is my question as well!

If he didn't feel welcome why did he resist leaving our home? rent-free living, not paying for any utilities, free movies/video games at least a couple times a month? free proper meals at least a couple times a month in addition to free quick meals (like sandwiches) at least a dozen times a month? free beer included.

Nothing has changed between when he left and now. So, why a sudden awareness of feeling unwelcome?

If he really doesn't feel welcome, why not return the key and spend the night elsewhere (especially when my husband wasn't home and other option was available)?

I was anyways at work. So, why not spend time with my husband outside home? He has no beef with him.

Is it then wrong for me to think that this guy was here for the incentives? Take those away and he will be gone and won't be much of a friend.

[LAYAAN]

I have been reading your story and I can tell you I would have thrown this guy and his crap on the front lawn. I would also tell your husband if this guy stays beyond one day and does not give the key back you are moving out and serving him with divorce papers. This is BS.

Thanks for writing. I understand what you mean.

A divorce is not an option. I would have considered it if this guy had not left and if my husband would not have considered my request to get him out, at all. I have written about it in the thread I created last June on the same topic.

Throwing this guy's stuff out on the lawn is also not a real option because everyone in my husband's family loves him, except me. My husband doesn't feel comfortable telling him off. This guy's brothers are into doing bad activities for a living. They have been under home arrest in the past. I'm home alone several nights and this guy has a key. He also has a bad temper. I'm afraid that if I take any drastic action, it may backfire on me. He anyway has nothing going for him, but one wrong comment/action on my part can ruin my life.

[Seraphim]

Maybe that is why everyone loves him? Because his family are thugs and they can't afford not to ? Either way not a good situation .

[LAYAAN]

Maybe that is why everyone loves him? Because his family are thugs and they can't afford not to ? Either way not a good situation .

No, that has nothing to do with it. My husband's family has known this guy since 2003 and have hardly interacted with his family.

[Ellie2006]

Glad to hear that things are getting back on track with your husband Have a great summer!

[itsallgrand]

I've been reading along for a while now. I don't know how you do it. Or why. Do you feel like you have no other options?

 

So many shady characters. Including your mutual friend - like what?! With friends like that, who needs enemies.

 

Why is divorce not an option again? Is this an arranged marriage? I'm not seeing even basic respect on your husbands part. I don't get it - why you stay?!

[LAYAAN]

itsallgrand,

If you read the thread I created on this topic last June, you will probably get an answer to many questions that you have presented here.

 

If you have been following my journal for a while now, you probably know that I never really had decent dating options. So, getting out of this marriage hoping to land a better candidate (whatever better means) is foolish because that has never happened before. Also, just to get to this point in my life I have been through enough struggle and I just do not have it in me to stir up the water now and create more instability for myself.

[LAYAAN]

I have been wondering... what would be appropriate for me to expect from my husband and our common friend specifically with reference to this renter?

 

I don't see my husband ending his brotherhood with him because of me. He has already gotten him out of the house. Can I really expect him to stop the renter from coming to our home again? What would be a more realistic approach? Whether my name gets added to the title or not, this is still my husband's home. So, I can't tell him to stop having his friends over. What I can say is - 1. You can have him over only when you are home 2. Let me know in advance, so I can step out of the home during the day time he is here and may be stay out the night if he is going to spend the night here. That is just for my peace of mind.

 

It is not appropriate for me to expect our common friend to end her friendship with the renter. The renter has never lived with her/her husband. So, she has not had the same experience with him as me. She can invite the renter for a game-night at her house. I can't hate her for that. The problem is his staying here. I can only try to control that part.

 

I can't understand why our common friend is trying to get this 22-yr old friend of hers to end her engagement and start going out with this loser renter. I mean, I can understand why she would want her to end her engagement if she doesn't see her friend being happy with that guy. But this loser is really not an option, at least now. One big part of it may be that neither the loser nor this girl want to have a kid, while this girl's fiance' wants one. She keeps saying "well, both of them love to play video games." Okay, so? That doesn't make this guy a suitable candidate for her. I wonder if she thinks that they are compatible because he is stuck in his 20s - not looking for a job, wanting to stay at his friend's place, playing video games like that's his full-time job. I told her the other day, "if I was in M's shoes (the 22-yr old girl), I would have questioned your intentions. You want her to end her engagement to a guy and the option you are presenting is so crappy, it makes me want to vomit. If you really want her to leave her fiance' (for the reasons you mentioned), you should bring her an option that is better than her fiance'. You have already told her that the loser renter is not currently datable, but you still want her to leave her fiance' and consider this man in hopes that he will change in future?"

[LAYAAN]

Glad to hear that things are getting back on track with your husband Have a great summer!

Thanks Ellie. How have you been? Hope you have a great summer too!

[LAYAAN]

Last few days have been good. Our common friend arranged for a game night and invited my husband. She told me that they were not inviting the renter this time. She can if she wants to, its her house. My only request is- keep the renter there. Don't send him here.

 

Husband finally completed his internship. Has some ceremony for that in a day.

 

The good renter and his family spent the night at our place recently.

 

Now the sucky part.... Husband has invited the bad renter over the weekend for a party. That led to an hour long conversation between us last night.

Me "Really? you have already invited people for a party and you are telling me now?"

Him "Its just him. Noone else. He won't be able to make it to the ceremony. So, he is coming here on weekend."

Me "I wish you had let me know before, I would have told you to move it to next weekend when I will be working. Okay, no problem. Just so you know I don't plan on staying home if he stays here. I will check into a hotel."

Him "Why are you like this with him? When the good renter was here, you were so happy and chirpy and you played with his daughters."

Me "Really? Have I never told you before why I'm this way with your best friend/brother?"

 

I turned the TV off, sat down next to my husband and told him in a calm tone yet another time why I feel the way I feel around the bad renter. So, it seems like they have talked and the bad renter told my husband that my behavior with the good renter made him feel like he was treated less favorably than the good renter and he was not welcome at our home. He claims that the night before he left, when I was talking to the good renter, I said "come back and visit us. we miss you." That made him feel like the I wanted the other renter to stay but not him and thought that I was sad to lose the other renter while I had to force him out. That made him speak out in anger.

 

So, I told my husband that the 2 renters were never on the same ground. 1) The good renter is like 15 years younger to me, so I feel easy communicating with him. He helped me a lot during my wedding without my even asking for his help. I can be goofy with him. Whereas this renter is same age as my husband and I normally am not close to any man around my age. I just don't have any guy friends that are my close friends. It is nothing personal.

2) The good renter was not a live-in renter. He stayed here a couple of nights a week. Sometimes skipped staying here for a week. The bad renter was a live-in renter. He virtually never left the house.

3) The good renter never interfered with our lives. If we were in the living room, he would may be stop for a few minutes, say hello, etc. If he was hungry, he would ask me if he could take something from the refrigerator and he would go to his room. The bad renter, we both know, wouldn't stop meddling with our lives - individual and together. What I have noticed in my life is people who are busy working on their life, don't have time to meddle with someone else's life. The good renter is getting MS in Computer Engineering. He has no time to pass sarcastic comments on someone else's life. He is studying when he gets time from his duties of being a father and other time he is trying to make money doing some job. He has no time for acting like a teenage girl like your friend/brother does.

4) The good renter didn't take it personal when we told him that we will like to have the house to ourselves. He left when he said he will leave. No temper tantrums. No drama. The bad renter took it personal that we asked him to leave and asked me "what is it to you if I stayed upstairs?" and threw a tantrum right before he left.

5) I can associate with the good renter. He works hard despite some setbacks in his life. He is studious, he is trying to make something of himself. The other renter, you know what the deal with him is. He is a shock to me. I can't associate with anything of his. I don't want to.

 

So, my husband said that the bad renter sees me as his sister and wants that sisterly affection from me and he didn't get it from me.

I just laughed "its a cop out telling you that he sees me as a sister. Does he treat his sister the same way he treated me? I bet he doesn't. Look, this is just another example of being immature and having wrong expectations. If you two are like brothers or what not, that is between you two, but for him to expect the same thing from me is wrong. That is not going to happen. I'm not close to my cousins' and friends' husbands. I'm not close to your other friends either. I only talk to them when they are here. I don't provide opinions, I don't dig for information or put them down for their choices. This teenager girl-like drama needs to stop. Your friend needs to shift the focus from how I'm treating him to building his own life - get a job, get a house, get a gf or not, upto him and most importantly stop meddling with my life."

 

My husband "I suggest that you two talk and sort out any misunderstanding."

Me "I can consider it, but I here is my position. I don't feel wronged by him. You have told me repeatedly that this is who he is. This is who he is with everyone (which I don't believe, because I have seen him interact with our common friend). So, what is there to talk about? I don't care if he changes or not. All I'm saying is that I'm tired of the way he has treated me so far. I am going to distance myself. And you can't force me to feel a certain way about him. I have at least that much autonomy to distance myself from someone if I'm not getting along with them."

[Seraphim]

Wooohooo! Good for you!

[annie24]

Yes, I am glad you told him all this. It's also not like you're telling your husband he can't hang out with him, just that you don't want to hang out with him, particularly not at your home. I don't blame you. your home should be a peaceful refuge, not a place where you are walking on eggshells around a guy who sounds like a boor.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie and Seraphim. Husband got irritable after I said all this to him and he said that I don't need to be walking on eggshells around this guy. I can be straight with him and tell him how his behavior bothers me. I don't think that its a good idea. Sigh! I was happy that he left our home, but these repeated discussions about him are just pointless.

[annie24]

The bad renter took it personal that we asked him to leave and asked me "what is it to you if I stayed upstairs?" and threw a tantrum right before he left.

 

This guy seriously has no sense. With a normal person, you can say something to them directly and hopefully come to a resolution. This guy thinks he's entitled to live rent free in his friend's house and get free food forever.....? geez. I agree, I think that confronting him makes no sense because he just doesn't get it and obviously won't.

[LAYAAN]

My head hurts bad. There have been repeated discussions (between husband and I) about the bad renter visiting us. Yesterday I had a day off work and I had an argument with husband. It wasted entire evening. At the end, I started crying out of frustration, headache, anger and just feeling hopless.

 

So, the questions that erupted from yesterday's discussion -

Husband "Why didn't you tell me when my friend cornered you in the kitchen and told you in a strong voice 'I'm going to live here'?"

Me "My first reaction was surprise and confusion. Why is your friend coming to me with this information? Why does he want to live here? What does he mean by that? If he is coming to me, he must have already cleared this with you."

Husband "No, there was no secret conversation happening between us behind your back. That piece of information should have been brought to my attention right there and then. It is your fault that you have let it slide."

Me "If you want to blame it on me, go ahead. How am I to know that this information was not run by you?"

 

Me "From what I've observed, you have always passed up an opportunity to correct your friend, instead of putting him in his place."

Husband "He is my family. He is someone who helped take care of my mom when she was getting cancer treatment. I AM going to cut him slack."

Me "I wasn't aware of that. I'm glad that I didn't mistreat him if he helped you with your mom. Still, it doesn't give him a right to behave the way he did."

 

Husband "The temper tantrum that happened the night before was because the wound is still fresh."

Me "What wound?"

Him "He feels that he was kicked out of this home"

Me "He wasn't kicked out. He was informed that we want the house to ourselves and he should look for a separate living arrangement."

Him "That is same as being kicked out."

Me "No, its not. He was asked to leave because it didn't look like he would leave on his own. Being kicked out would mean that after being asked to leave, I took his belongings and threw them out of house and created a scene. The good renter was also informed that we would like to have the home to us. He never took it as 'Oh, they are kicking me out'. So, I really don't understand what's the missing piece here."

Him "You are equating the two. They are different situations. The other renter was just a renter. This was not his permanent residence."

Me "So, was it the bad renter's permanent residence?"

Him "Ya, in a sense, he lived here."

Me "He stayed here as a renter and paid you rent. This was not his permanent residence, at least that's how I saw it. Unless there was a discussion between you two that led him to believe so or you committed to his staying here permanently."

Me angry "I have said this before to you and I will say this again.

Either you said something that led him to believe that he could live here indefinitely

or it was his understanding (or an unrealistic expectation) from the beginning that he could live here indefinitely

or you actually stated that he could live here indefinitely.

But something has happened that made him believe that this was his very long-term - if not permanent- home and that is why it is hurting him to be asked to leave."

Husband "No, I never said that he could live here permanently."

Me "Alright then, this wasn't his permanent residence irrespective of what he thought about it."

[LAYAAN]

Now, my husband shifted the blame on me.

Him "You kept saying that you were afraid of staying here alone. That is why I kept him here and didn't ask him to leave."

Me "There are 2 aspects to that. 1) I'm still afraid of being here alone. He didn't live here to keep me company. He left from time-to-time when he wanted to leave, came back when he wanted to come back. It didn't matter to him if I was alone. That was not his job to keep me company. I also realized within 4 months of living together with him that his living here can't be a permanent solution to anything because he is actually creating problems in the marriage.

2) You resisted the idea of his leaving (so, don't blame it on me). We argued on our 1st anniversary because I suggested that he should move on with his life and you said he will move on when he wants to."

 

Husband "I didn't correct him every time because you have let it go whenever he was rude to you."

Me "I tried to fight back a couple of times, he was still rude to me and didn't apologize. How long am I going to argue with him when you are not backing me up? Then next day I have to wake up and see his face again because he never leaves the house. Then I'm going to be home alone when you are gone. I was afraid if he would do something stupid because he is angry at me. Remember, we are married. We are one team, one unit. The way you treat me is how your friends and family will treat me. Your friend saw that you were not going to take my side. That is why he kept it up. The time to correct is the 1st time something happens."

Him "Correct, so now you have set a pattern of poor behavior on his part by not correcting him and not putting him in his place."

Me "Put yourself in my shoes. I'm newly married. Here is my husband's friend talking down at me. I couldn't understand what was happening, why it was happening. I'm not going to give it right back. I was surprised. It never even occurred to me that something like this would happen. And when you didn't stand up for me, I thought that you didn't think anything of it and that hurt me more than his insults."

 

Husband "So, what is the solution to all this? What do you want me to do? He is my best friend."

Me "I don't care for your best friend. I can't stand him. I don't want to be around him.

This is what I recommend. He left in May. Let the dust settle. Sometimes, distance can heal. It can bring clarity. He doesn't need to visit us so often and live here 3-4 nights a month. I'm afraid, he will slowly find his way back here. I'm still recovering from how he treated me. I'm sure he feels that I wronged him, too. If you miss him that much, you can go visit him."

Him "Its too crowded there."

Me "So, you are okay to cause tension in marriage and keep having your friend over just because you don't want to spend a couple nights in a crowded place?"

Him "Well, this kinda distance will make him think poorly of you. He will grow resentful of you."

Me "I think he resents me already. He took that feeling with him when he left this place. We can go talk to a marriage counselor to get his take on this. May be he can offer a solution that can work for us."

 

I'm tired of these repeated discussions. I'm not sure what is a way that my husband can still stay friends with this guy and not keep bringing him home for overnight stay every month.

[annie24]

I don't get it - why do there have to be overnight stays?? I have many friends, they come over, and leave at the end of the night.

 

I think matriage counseling is a ng is a good idea.

[LAYAAN]

Annie,

This guy now lives about 3-hr one-way drive from us. So, he is not going to come here- let's say- Saturday morning and drive 3 hours Saturday night to go back home. He is going to spend the night here. That is what he did when he came for the game night at our common friend's place. He drove to our friend's place Friday evening, played games upto Saturday 3am, came to our place, slept upto 10am, then drove back to his place.

 

Yesterday, I got mad because husband wouldn't tell me straight if this guy would leave Sunday evening before I got home. Husband works today, he will be here tomorrow no sooner than 10am. What is the need for his friend to spend Friday night here then? He could get here tomorrow morning. I booked the hotel for Saturday night stay. Also, I said to him, he could be gone Sunday evening, but he wouldn't say yes or no. I don't like this kinda game playing.

 

Here is another thing. Once our common friend knows that my husband is inviting his friend over (even though I don't like it), she is going to start inviting him again/more for game nights. And he is going to spend more nights here. And he WILL let her know that he is in town because he can't simply keep his mouth shut. Then what is the point of getting him out of the house?

 

I'm not sure if he is going to go with me to the counselor.

[annie24]

go alone to therapy if he won't go with you.

 

How is the new job treating you?

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Annie, I've already scheduled an appointment. It is on a day that he won't be home because the next available was too far. So, this time I will be going alone.

 

New job is OK. It's quite straight forward once you learn the system.

[LAYAAN]

After arguments and discussions, husband gave the bad renter some lame reason and postponed his visiting us past weekend.

 

A couple of days ago, he let me know that he is going to visit the bad renter today at his place and will return at night.

Me "You are getting off a 24-hour shift and driving there. Spend the night there. What is the rush to come home past mid-night? You will be tired from all that driving."

Husband "No, its crowded there. I don't want to spend the night there."

Me "I will pay for your hotel, but don't drive more than 6 hours a day."

This is nonsense. This loser friend has no work to do. When he comes here, we should allow him (in fact ask him) to spend the night here, but he can't offer little space for my husband to crash the night? And my husband is driving after a 24-hour shift and then driving back home the same night. Why are the rules different for the loser renter but not my husband?

[LAYAAN]

I am hesitant to mention this... but I got promoted. It has been a little over a week that I have been officially acting in my new position.

 

Most of the regular readers here know what setting I work in. I have been asked to take up the manager's position there. I was hesitant because it has not been that long that I got my license and I'm still learning what that role involves. I feel that I wasn't really asked to take up this position because they saw me fit, but because I (and they) wasn't/weren't left with much choice. There is a manager and a staff person here. Both of them have rented place up here and have families about 3-hour driving distance away. Both of them want to leave this place and they have been looking for someone to take up the position here. My now manager asked me "It will be a while before we can hire you on the staff position here. We currently have someone on that position. He has expressed a desire to be closer to his home and we are trying to get him such a place. He wants to be placed in a new location by October, but I'm not sure if that's possible. But we are able to find a new place for the manager closer to his home and he is eager to leave. Your name came up. Would you be interested in taking up the position higher than the staff position?"

 

If I had said no, the manager would not be able to leave. The staff position is not yet available and not sure when it will become available. If they do take me up here on the staff position, I may have to deal with a new manager. So, instead, I decided to say yes to the new position that was being offered to me. The (now ex-)manager started training me little-by-little because I was only part-time then.

 

I'm not sure if I did the right thing by accepting the new position. Honestly, I have been thinking... may be I should try harder to get a job in Pharma industry or get more specialization and do more clinical work. That would be more fulfilling and satisfying. It may pay less, but money isn't the only thing I should look at.

Right now the new role that I'm in... I feel overwhelmed, overworked, and under appreciated. I hope that it will get better with time. I have been hesitant to post an update because I'm not sure how long I will stay at this position.

[LAYAAN]

So, about hesitation, fears, etc.

- Retail business is about numbers. Quantity - how many shots did you give, how many scripts did you fill, in what time, customer complaints if any, etc. I'm getting tired of constant whining of customers, arguments over filling certain meds early, constant threats to report me to the corporate/state board (for petty reasons - med not ready, "I had to wait for 30 min to get my med", med not in stock,) and not being able to keep up with the demands of the higher management.

- This is a difficult store to begin with (The script volume is 2000-2300/week).

- staffing issue - difficult to find good techs, good anything to come up to this place. No professional people live up here in this area. They have better jobs, higher pay in 2-3 hour drive from here. Noone stays long-term at this store. I'm constantly trying to resolve scheduling conflicts, biatching of floaters that come up here that the place is short-staffed.

- Due to an accident in late 2009, I have messed up my left knee. In addition to my flat feet and now weight gain (138 lb 5ft 4in) my knee has started to hurt more doing daily activities. I'm standing on my feet all day at work. My physician has asked me to lose 20 lb to ease the knee pain.

 

So, this is where I'm now. I'm unsure of what decisions to take that will get me a decent-paying job that will also be satisfying.