Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I was scheduled to return to work yesterday. I called my surgeon's office asking for help since my finger is still in pain and badly bruised at the injection site. That is when the doctor's assistant said ,"Why are you returning to work if you are not healed? He pulled you off work until the end of June"

What? I wasn't aware. So, got the doctor's note faxed over to me. My work scheduler was clearly mad at me since I found this out a couple of days before I was scheduled to join back at work. Sigh!

 

Yesterday the temperature suddenly dropped and my finger and knee started hurting again.

 

The MRI place charged me $500 for 2 different MRIs - even when my insurance told me that they should be charging me $50. They wouldn't listen. The billing people are different from the customer facing people. They told me with a straight face "if you claim that we are overcharging you, you will get a refund. To get your MRI, this is what you need to pay upfront. No MRI without this." I sucked it up and paid. Got the receipt. Called their billing department. They asked me to call after a month.

 

Went for nerve study. Was a horrible experience. I got very nervous and started crying due to pain when they stuck a needle into my upper arm and passed electric current through it. The doctor there is from my culture. Asked me 100 personal questions. Then got upset when I was screaming and crying in pain. Left the test incomplete because she got frustrated with me and mentioned that I don't have what my surgeon suspects I may have.

 

Noone understands what is wrong with my finger. X-ray shows nothing. MRI shows nothing. Now this incomplete nerve study shows nothing and wasn't worth going through with the study since 1st part of the study didn't show what we were looking for either. Now they are asking me to recollect if I was recently bit by a spider. I can't recollect, but we have thousands of trees around. We have spiders inside. I try to catch them when I can. I see no significant marks of a bite around the finger joint. Even this little typing hurts my finger. Sigh!

 

Knee has a mind of its own and has been acting out. I can walk on a flat surface, but going up and down the stairs even 1 step is giving me a sharp pain. Yes, same knee where I got hit by the car during my accident.

 

My only hope now to lose the weight I have gained is to go on a keto diet. But I am an emotional eater. In last 2 weeks I have eaten way too much sitting home doing nothing.

[LAYAAN]

Last Friday I sent a certified mail to the board letting them know that I have ceased to act as a manager. Went to the store, returned the keys. Tried to talk to the staff person. He didn't want to talk. I offered to help with sending an official form for change of manager to the board, offered to do all the leg work. Boss's boss got mad at me for that.

 

Applied to 10 positions, got rejects from my top 2 positions today.

 

I have put myself in a bad situation at my current job. Since my doctor has taken me off work for more than a month, my boss has to look for an interim manager/a permanent manager. They requested the current staff person to be an interim manager. He declined. They went to the next chain store and have offered a raise to that manager and asked her to help our store. She has agreed to be here part-time for next 6 months. In the mean time, they are hoping to get someone who is the right fit for this place to be a manager. One good tech is scheduled to return in July. Another good tech will hopefully be back in Aug or Sep. I had a long conversation with the other manager that will be coming up here for a few months.

[LAYAAN]

I can't go back to work whenever I'm ready and ask for my position back because they have to fill it within a month once I'm out, by law. I can't ask for a staff position because they are almost ready to offer it to someone that I referred way back in Dec 2017. So, I'm really not sure that I will have any position at my current workplace when I'm ready to go back to work.

 

I had a long conversation with the other store manager who will be coming up here for a few months. She said "You just had a bad hand given to you. An already crazy store with now tech drama to deal with. There is nothing that you can do about the tech drama. They are who they are and they are protected by the union. Even if you found a way to fire them, you don't have enough applicants for this store to replace them. This is what gives power to bad employees at this store. On the other hand, we are abundant in supply. So, it doesn't matter if you leave. You can be replaced very easily. A new grad who is looking to pay off his loans and is clueless about this store will happily risk his license by being here. That is why they are telling you to be extra nice to your techs because they can't be easily replaced, but you can be. If I went through what you have gone through, I would have quit already. I was there for 6 months as a staff witout tech shortage and I hated it. I came to a point where I realized that I would have to leave otherwise I was going to walk out and quit. So, I chose to leave with my dignity, sanity, health, and license intact. You hung in there until your health gave out. I want to encourage you that most stores are not like this. Don't let your experience in this store taint your view of the profession. Let your body and mind heal and then ask yourself if you are ready to jump back in. If your husband is able to support you in the mean time, take advantage of that. My recommendation is not to come back here as a manager or even as a staff. If at all you want to work here, be a floater part-timer for 2-3 days until you find something better."

 

This manager and I share a common boss and boss's boss. The boss's boss went to her (requesting her to take up a position here) and said that she has no clue how to manage this store. When this manager shared it with me she said "Now this should help you feel a little better. If our boss's boss who has 15+ years of experience doesn't understand what to do with this store, you shouldn't beat yourself up. You have been here only a little more than 6 months and you have done everything you could given your circumstances. The reason why she was aggressive with you when she met you was because you are new to the profession and she can't appear clueless in front of you. So, she tried to assert her power. I have worked at 50 different stores and have been at this store as a manager for 2 years now so she has more respect for me. Don't take it personal. She is trying to save her face to us and also to her boss."

[LAYAAN]

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3839429/

[Jibralta]

Glad there are articles out there about it. That means people are noticing.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Thanks Jibralta. It is actually comforting to know that the article talks about some of the challenges I have already faced.

[LAYAAN]

Rant -

I'm agitated. Another tech is leaving for greener pastures. She was hired as a cashier in 2015, then became a tech through the company's tech training program in early 2018 and within 2 months of becoming a tech, she is out. The cost of the training program is $15,000 (if you went through a career college). I informed the manager in 2017 that she had been telling everyone that she was going to be out the moment she got her license, but by then it was too late. She was already enrolled in the program. She was riding my back to get the full-time hours (even though she was hired for a part-time position) and then to get the salary raise and now that she was given everything that she asked for, she is out (while the 2 techs are still out on medical leave). Sigh!

 

I personally recruited a cashier at the store before I took over. At that time she wanted more hours. So I pushed to get her more hours. Towards the end of 2017, she decided to enroll in some community college to complete the pre-requisites without letting us know anything about it. Then starting Jan she wanted to work only certain number of days and hours because her college schedule changed. This was in the middle of our tech crisis. Now, she is failing her classes so she wants extra days to study, so she wants even fewer days to work. When I didn't give her fewer hours due to the need of business, she went and complained to the union. So, you want to work when its convenient for you (which is okay), but we don't have to bend to your wish. Sadly, due to the severe tech shortage we have to bend to her wishes. How is one to run this place like this? Uggh! Now the store manager jumped in and has enrolled this girl for a tech training program. She already is working less and now out of those days, we will have to give her time to do the tech training 1 day, so we get her even fewer days in the middle of the tech shortage. Things are going from bad to worse.

[annie24]

Arg, managing people really isn’t what pharmacy school prepared you to do. I see that a lot with PIs in academia. They may be gifted scientists, but don’t know how to manage people. I think you just have to do the best you can to motivate and keep people, but it sounds like you are on your way out too.

[LAYAAN]

Last few days have been very emotional. Yesterday was really bad. I cried almost all day.

 

I have been on medical leave since the middle of May due to my finger. Recently had the surgeon's appointment for my knee (that was hit during the accident in 2009) and I don't have a happy news. Turns out that basically different joints in my body are giving out because of osteoarthritis. The cartilage under my knee cap is worn out. The dr. has asked me to lose weight (30 lbs ideally) on an emergency basis. We are going to try some lubricating injection into the knee. Waiting for the insurance to approve the injection. He is not sure if it would help, but he said that that's the only treatment we can do for now given my age. He has pulled me off work for 1 more month hoping that the treatment will be over in a month and I can recover enough to return to work.

 

Early in June, I started doing ketogenic diet and stayed with it for a week successfully. The first week is very hard. I managed to lose 2 lbs in the 1st week. Then my husband's friend visited us for a few days. He is on gluten-free diet, so I felt compelled to cook something. I had to finish the leftovers and the diet derailed. Now back to 146 lbs. I need to be 110 lbs, but I'm willing to settle for 130 lbs and then will worry about losing those extra pounds.

 

Yesterday, I planted some vinca and wasn't really happy about that either. Come on! Flowers in my garden used to make me happy. I recently completed a fairy garden as well. I think it looks average. My husband likes it. It is very hard for me to stay positive and happy. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I can't stand my coworkers and their lazy attitude. I don't know how to motivate them and get work done. So, in that sense stepping down on my own was a good thing. Otherwise, eventually the company would have asked me to step down for poor performance. I feel like a failure. I had talent and worked hard, and yet this is where life is. No job, forget about a career. I feel that my husband would wake up one day and realize that he could do better than me (primarily because I'm so depressed and no fun to be around). I dont want to talk to anyone. I dont want to do anything at all. I can't even sleep well now. I just want to crawl under my bed and stay there until I feel better. I am hesitant to start an antidepressant because of this darn weight. I also don't want to fill the script at any local pharmacy to avoid getting any labels and giving ammunition to my coworkers.

 

Not sure when I will return to work, but I'm sure that I don't want to work this job for more than a couple days a week only. I think the 10+ hours of standing on my feet every day and running around has done damage to my joints. My parents, husband, in-laws... everyone is telling me to simply resign from the job and only focus on getting better - both emotionally and physically. My brain seems to have this fog and my heart has this sadness and I can't seem to shake it off.

[Seraphim]

I agree. Just quit and focus on getting yourself back together.

[LAYAAN]

Seraphim, thank you, but I'm struggling to just pull the plug on my job.

[Seraphim]

Seraphim, thank you, but I'm struggling to just pull the plug on my job.

 

I know but ask yourself if it is worth your health? Can you both survive right now without it ? I’m struggling with the same thing . And you’re right it’s very hard to pull the plug on something .

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday, I found out that they filled the staff position and the person is now being trained at the store. So, when I'm ready to go back to work I can't ask for the staff position. I never had the staff position, so if I really wanted to work as a staff, I should have made that clear sooner.

 

The advertisement for the manager's position is still up on the internal board. I don't want to work there as a manager. So, I really don't know what they will do with me when I'm ready to return to work.

 

It is very painful for me to mention it here that I was never respected as a manager at my work. The customers can and do still thrash you. They can complain against you to the highest level possible. The employees have their own cliques and are driven by their own personal agenda. They are aware of their rights and will take you to the union and HR in a heartbeat if you step on 'em or if they feel that you are stepping on their rights. So, my big question is - how do you motivate an employee in this kind of a setting when you can't give them a promotion or higher salary or rewards if they do better? (And it also means that you can't demote someone or pay them lower wages or fire them if they don't perform.) because there is no incentive to working hard.

 

Yesterday, the senior tech informed me that the tech that was scheduled to return to work in July has extended her leave by 3 more months. She was seen by the doctor only once from April to June. The reality is that this is not a medical leave. She is just abusing the system and is afraid to return to work because of the tech shortage and managers changing rapidly. The senior tech and her are friends and if the senior tech returns to work, this tech will return as well.

 

This tech called me a few weeks ago "Oh, I don't want to try to adjust to a new manager."

I tried to say something generic "Oh, you will be just fine. Everyone is eagerly waiting for you to return to work. They will be excited to have you back. "

What I really wanted to say was "You know that you, the senior tech, and I were the workhorses at the store. The senior tech had to go off for her surgery, but you could have hung in there with me. If your foot was bothering you, I could have gotten you the permission to sit in a chair and do your work. Instead, you went out and did your own thing and now you are still in the same place (healthwise) before you went out. You got no treatment, no surgery, nothing. And you want me to be waiting there for you when you are ready to come back? The tech that just left us may not have left so abruptly had you been there with us still. Even if you were working out of a chair, the load would have been managable. We all would not be cracking under the pressure. The management is not giving us a tech from any other store (because of union rules), the applications are not flying in for this store, so it is upto us to support each other and float together."

 

I sometimes feel that there is something wrong with me to think this way because noone else on the team is thinking like this. Everyone is looking out for herself. I am feeling very discouraged since yesterday and even though my husband is home, I can't even enjoy my time with him.

[LAYAAN]

Some girls at my workplace are doing this.

I'm seriously concerned about going into a 48-hour and 72-hour fast. How is this healthy? This guy keeps saying 'if you are not losing weight, fast longer'

[LAYAAN]

The interim manager that they had appointed for, I guess, a month has decided to quit. She and I talked at length and she told me that she is really mad at the way things are going here. She really doesn't agree that my boss's boss is so sneaky and is doing nothing solid to help with improving the situation at work. Instead, she is putting a lot of pressure on getting things done no matter how short staffed the store is and is being very forceful and impractical about it. She is facing some challenging situation at home and this store is too much to manage on top of it.

 

This puts me in a tricky situation. I was going to return to work after my treatment course in mid Aug. I was going to request to be a part-time floater working only 2-3 days a week. Unless they find an interim manager, my boss's boss will not agree with my request and I may be accepted back at work only if I resume the manager's position. I really don't want it. Sigh!

[itsallgrand]

I really hope you get some resolution one way or another soon. You sound so stressed out. That's just terrible when you can't even enjoy your time at home because of stress from work. Sending you big hugs.

[LAYAAN]

I really hope you get some resolution one way or another soon. You sound so stressed out. That's just terrible when you can't even enjoy your time at home because of stress from work. Sending you big hugs.

Thank you. I think, the only way I will get an answer is when I'm ready to go back to work. Until then I can only guess. According to my husband, "There is no need to get stressed about the situation at work. You lay down your terms. If they agree, that's great. If they don't, you resign. It doesn't matter what they want unless it aligns with what you are willing to offer. You are stepping down and going part-time for your sanity and health. So, don't let them talk you into being a manager there again."

 

I'm just fearful that they won't agree to my terms because they really need a manager there and then I would have to resign and be without a job.

[LAYAAN]

I am going around in circles thinking what about my job, job... I am driving myself and people around me nuts. I need to sit still. First, get physically better, center myself mentally and emotionally and really see what kind of work would fit me better. Instead, I'm frantically searching for a job, any job.

 

Yesterday, husband got irritable with me, "You know my answer to your situation about your job. You are asking me the same question 10 times. Are you hoping for a different answer? You have seen enough at your work to realize that you can't handle the position. So, I think that you should leave. I was of an opionion earlier that you should ask them to give you 2-3 days/week of floating work. Now, I don't even think that you should ask for that. Just resign and next time you evaluate more carefully before you say yes to something. This may take time, you may get crankier the longer you go without a job, but going back to the same workplace is not the solution."

 

I have reached a point where I just can't think straight anymore.

[annie24]

Yeah this isn’t a healthy workplace for you. Probably best to resign and look elsewhere. Or just take a medical leave of absence for several months while you focus on getting better. I’m sure you can find something better in time.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie. I'm trying not to think much and just take it one day at a time.

[LAYAAN]

No real update.

Went to speak with a chiropractor turned PA regarding stem cell therapy with platelet-rich plasma. Can't move forward until I get my ortho's opinion. Getting an opinion on phone or a quick meeting in person for a couple of minutes has not been possible. I have an appointment tomorrow with my ortho. Let me see what he says about the possibility of starting the stem cell therapy. It will be a good chunk of money with no guarantee of favorable results (insurance doesn't cover that), but because of my age I have to get some real treatment and not just a lubricating injection in the knee so I can keep walking and running for another couple of decades.

 

Trying to do keto seriously now. I really should be working because that will take my mind off obsessing over every calorie and every ounce of weight.

 

Went to get some medications. The floater caught hold of me, "When are you coming back? I don't want to be stuck here." Aww! Look at the star fading!!! Low IQ woman (I'm not sorry to say this at all) shouldn't be asking me this question. She should talk to her scheduler and get scheduled at some other store if you hate it here so much. Whatever happened to her star status??? If you are such a star, you should be able to handle the workload. biatch! When I was there, she would snap at me. I guess she is missing snapping at me.

 

A tech at work really lost it because her husband's controlled medication wasn't filled and the script was returned, instead. She was forced to go on a leave of absence or she was going to get fired. I recollect the time when her husband's physician asked me not to fill the med and she and her husband both fought with me. I took her to the store manager and she turned all red, stomped her feet, smashed her fists on the table in front of the store manager. She brought all her grivances against me and emptied all that dirty laundry on the table. Was not interested in listening to anything. Went around in circles, I couldn't talk logically to her. She raised her voice, I raised mine. She went to my boss and said that I raised my voice at her. My boss never gave me an opportunity to explain myself. If your own colleagues behave this way, where do you go?

 

The tech that left us - I sent her a text "I just learned that you have left us for a different work. Sorry to have lost you, but I'm happy for you. Best wishes and do stay in touch. Thank you for your help in our challenging time." Never heard back from her. I'm really not sure what did I do for some of my colleagues to hate me so much.

 

The VP and the state board both paid a visit to the store on separate occasions. Great! Not sure why? I hope it is nothing serious, but normally when the state board visits, it is something serious. Now there is no manager. I'm no longer on the state board's record as a manager and the interim manager, they lured in with higher salary for 6-month stay, decided to quit after a month. The staff person said that he couldn't handle it much longer and went on a vacation for a week. The techs said "Poor thing, he has been working so hard! He deserves a vacation." Why did noone offer me this sympathy? Women are hard on other women, I guess.

 

Husband is telling me to resign altogether and I am not able to. I have been sending in applications and not hearing anything back from other places. Hanging in there.

[Seraphim]

Actually , I have found women to be worse to other women and I have been working with them for over 30 years . Some places I’ve worked up being exclusively women .

[LAYAAN]

hmm... yes, I see. At my workplace, it is a little bit more difficult. If you put 6-7 women in a 20 ft x 8 ft area for around 12 hours in a high-stress, high-volume, high-paced work environment, the claws are bound to come out.

[LAYAAN]

I will be starting treatment next week. Very nervous, but I'm taking a leap of faith. If it goes well and the swelling and pain goes down then immediately the following week I can start working. I talked to my boss yesterday. I asked if I could come in 2-3 days a week. She said that I could. I really don't want to go back to the same chaotic place now under a different manager, but I have been away from work for 2.5 months. Have made no money at all during this time. I'm not under worker's compensation and have been losing a lot of money with this whole saga. This treatment costs a good chunk of money. I'm paying out-of-pocket since the insurance doesn't cover this procedure. I applied for jobs, but nothing worked out in this time. So, I'm going to try to make the best of this situation. I really hope that I can get out of this work soon and find something more sustainable.

 

My boss told me that they have an interim manager for 3 months and have already selected someone as a manager from outside the company. They are training her and will bring her on board in Oct or so. They got one tech transferred from other store and asked one more tech to be here for some more time. They have also hired a new tech and are looking into transferring out the problem tech. (Not sure how they are going to do that, but I say good luck. I told them many times since I took over last year to transfer her out or she will continue to created problems for us, but they didn't think that was possible.)

 

I'm hanging in there with the pain, changing doctors, and repeated evaluations. I couldn't find a doctor closer to my place and now I'm having to drive 3 hours one way in traffic to get this treatment. Husband will be there for the first treatment. I'm really telling myself not to think much at all. Easier said than done. It is difficult not to think about the future. I tend to worry a lot.

 

On the positive side, I managed to knit a sweater for charity and there are pretty flowers growing in the garden.

[LAYAAN]

Not sure why, but I'm not able to shake off my gloom. Every day I wonder if I should really go back to work at the same place. I am having nightmares about the workplace. I feel that I was bullied, I was ganged upon, I was never trusted by the management to do the job well, I wasn't appreicated for the hard work, and I wasn't provided support when things went south. My previous boss came only once to visit and she really didn't care to explain where I was lacking in my performance, where and how I could improve, and gave me a rating of 2.7/5, rated the place as red (out of red, yellow, and green), and went away. I found out about my rating a week before I went on medical leave. I really don't want to go back to that place again. Even though I have asked my boss for the permission to join work, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by joining back.

 

I'm struggling with a serious lack of confidence now. I feel like a failure and I feel like I'm a good-for-nothing employee when the techs ganged upon me and complained against me. This feeling stays with me all day. I am able to sleep only when I take a sleeping pill and when my husband is not home, I stay up most of the night. I know that none of this is true and may be I just got placed in a bad situation, but my feeling of self worth has taken a big hit because of what happened at workplace and how I feel I was treated. I am not able to move forward and I'm dreading going back to same workplace.