Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Marsh,

Yes, indeed this is a huge relief. My husband is happy.

No, I didn't write the process of getting licensed in another state. I want to because mine is a strange state that doesn't reciprocate with other states. I have heard stories from a couple of pharmacists who really want to move out of this state, but didn't pursue license immediately after they got licensed in 1 state. Now, after several years they want to move out of the only state that they are licensed in, but they can't because they have to take 1 national level exam all over again and 1 state-specific exam. So, I'm looking into what benefit will I have if I could get licensed in at least 1 more state.

[Ellie2006]

Just saw this. So happy for you! Congratulations, L!!!

[ballerinababe]

Yesss! I knew you'd pass on the first try! Congratulations!

How is everything else going now? Are you feeling better about your personal life now that the stress of the exams is lifted?

[LAYAAN]

Just saw this. So happy for you! Congratulations, L!!!

Thank you Ellie!

[LAYAAN]

Yesss! I knew you'd pass on the first try! Congratulations!

How is everything else going now? Are you feeling better about your personal life now that the stress of the exams is lifted?

Thanks BB, OMG! that exam sucks big time. I still can't believe it. Studying again for that exam would have been hard. Now that's behind me.

 

How is everything else going... well... will write a post about it.

[LAYAAN]

So, haven't been able to come here to write an update as I'm working more hours (only as a tech. not yet licensed) and come home tired.

Not yet licensed ... long story short.. my employer wants me to get a certain certification before they can hire me. In my state, my tech license would expire when I apply for a higher license and then I will be left without a job. So, I'm waiting to get the certification 1st before I apply for higher license. I go to northern part of this state to get the final step of that certification done in March end.

 

On personal level, I would hope that things move soon.

Had cooked and organized a dinner for father-in-law's birthday on Saturday. Our common friend stepped in and took the renter away since morning. I feel much more relaxed when he is not around. I can be myself and can express my opinions freely without having him tell me how I'm wrong to have any opinion that is not same as his opinion. So, I had a great time. My father-in-law didn't ask me where the renter was. I really appreciate that. I tend to think that he doesn't like that he stays here with us, either (but I don't know. I never had that talk with him. I'm saving that as the last resort)

 

On Sunday, I went to a new place with husband. I was tired, but if I had not done it, I don't get to spend time with him inside the house when the renter is constantly around. In the part of the garden we were visiting, husband's comments "We need to bring the renter here. He would like it here." Sigh!

 

On our way back, I told my husband "I would like to have more sex, but just the thought of having someone of your age constantly around doesn't make me feel comfortable and I can't be intimate with you. And I can't live my life rushing these intimate moments with you because the renter is around. I will get a better job and will be able to contribute more, if that is your concern. I have a feeling that you want him to be around. He definitely wants to stay here. Trust me for every party involved in this, his move will be the best decision. This is not just about me. I will not take you down the wrong path for my sake alone. How is his moving coming along? I don't see him doing anything, but again I'm not home much these days."

Him "He doesn't want to move back in with his family. I have told him that he needs to get really serious about looking for places in April because I will be back April end from part of my training."

Me "Okay. Thanks. I know its not easy for you, but it will work out towards best."

 

I seriously see nothing happening in terms of the renter moving. Its all talk and only talk right now. The common friend said that we will have to give him a hard deadline and start pushing the other renter as well, otherwise it won't sink in that he really needs to leave. I have been slacking on my prayers. I need to go back on my prayer cycle and be down on my knees. I feel powerless with this situation.

 

Something else happened recently and I don't know what to think of it. Our common friend warned me that this would happen...

Husband approached me and said "You can contribute to paying off the mortgage."

Me "Really? But the home is in your name and just like that drama with the car (its in his name, I suspect, because he made the down payment.), I'm making monthly payments n the car is not in my name. (He says that it is in our joint name... I haven't been paying attention due to other stressors, but will need to look into it) I dont' want that to happen with the home. I need to know if you can add my name to the home, not just the loan."

I'm still not sure about my marriage. Does anyone have any advice/resources I can look up on this picking up home mortgage on my husband's home after marriage thing? I know that in my state, if you don't have a prenup (which we don't) what you bring into the marriage individually you get to keep it if you divorce. What you earn within marriage is what gets divided. The renter has said in front of me that my husband still wins (even if we get divorced) because I have higher earning potential and I will have to pay allimony to my husband. (That is another reason I hate the renter.)

[marshmlofluff]

Hi L. Good to hear that the rest of the steps toward your licensing sound straightforward.

 

Sorry to hear that the renter situation hasn't improved. I don't know anything about divorce and financial issues, but just want to say that I hope that things do get better and the renter leaves on schedule.

 

I think it's reasonable for you to contribute to the mortgage (and there may not be another option if you suddenly lose the paying renter!) I also think it's reasonable to want your name on the house title. I know a lot of couples where only one partner works, but the house is almost always in both parties' names. Maybe contributing financially and being on the title will make the house feel more like your joint home, rather than it feeling like your husband's existing house that you have moved into and are a guest in.

 

I hope that things work out for you. You worked so hard to meet someone and went through a lot. It's hard to be alone in a foreign country, and it's good that you have the self confidence to be considering divorce as an option if things get too bad--but I really hope it does not come to that. I think it's very important that you regularly communicate your feelings and opinions to your husband, so that if big problems exist (like the roommate) he at least has the opportunity to know that you are unhappy and to do something about it.

 

Sending you good wishes.

[LAYAAN]

Hi L. Good to hear that the rest of the steps toward your licensing sound straightforward.

Yes, I have applied for the license number (had to wait this long per the manager's instructions). Now the waiting game begins. In the mean time, I have to get an additional certification.

 

Sorry to hear that the renter situation hasn't improved. I don't know anything about divorce and financial issues, but just want to say that I hope that things do get better and the renter leaves on schedule.

I really dont know. One day I hear one thing, next day something else. The problem is not just the renter. I would say that is lesser of the problems. The bigger problem is my husband's attitude towards him. My husband is in a position to say "Get a fking job and start paying me rent. You will not sit on your butt in my house and watch video games all day and back answer to my woman in front of my friends and family." But he won't say that. I'm afraid to approach my father-in-law with this because once I approach him, everyone will know that we have a problem in our home/marriage. What if my father-in-law doesn't take my side?

 

I think it's reasonable for you to contribute to the mortgage (and there may not be another option if you suddenly lose the paying renter!) I also think it's reasonable to want your name on the house title. I know a lot of couples where only one partner works, but the house is almost always in both parties' names. Maybe contributing financially and being on the title will make the house feel more like your joint home, rather than it feeling like your husband's existing house that you have moved into and are a guest in.

Honestly, I feel like a third wheel in this marriage mainly because of how my husband feels about the renter. I feel that they are together and I'm an outsider into this home and marriage. I'm not interested in paying towards the mortgage as long as the renter stays here.

 

I hope that things work out for you. You worked so hard to meet someone and went through a lot. It's hard to be alone in a foreign country, and it's good that you have the self confidence to be considering divorce as an option if things get too bad--but I really hope it does not come to that. I think it's very important that you regularly communicate your feelings and opinions to your husband, so that if big problems exist (like the roommate) he at least has the opportunity to know that you are unhappy and to do something about it.

 

Sending you good wishes.

I really don't know what to think, Marsh. I sometimes feel like maybe I would have been just better off single. Maybe I'm really not that desirable to any man, afterall. I somehow met a guy for marriage who has loyalty towards his loser friend than his hard-working wife. And I don't need to reiterate the experiences I have had before this. My husband is still going through his program. He is worn-out and tired. I'm still not licensed. I have been going, going, one thing after the other in this country ever since I came back in. So, we both need a break. He is sensitive about the renter. I'm agry about the renter. It takes all the control in me to keep my mouth shut about the renter's issue. I'm trying not to discuss anything these days with him.

[marshmlofluff]

I really dont know. One day I hear one thing, next day something else. The problem is not just the renter. I would say that is lesser of the problems. The bigger problem is my husband's attitude towards him. My husband is in a position to say "Get a fking job and start paying me rent. You will not sit on your butt in my house and watch video games all day and back answer to my woman in front of my friends and family." But he won't say that. I'm afraid to approach my father-in-law with this because once I approach him, everyone will know that we have a problem in our home/marriage. What if my father-in-law doesn't take my side?

 

I guess your husband is passive and doesn't like conflict? Or maybe the renter being unemployed and playing video games just doesn't bother him that much. Or maybe he doesn't know how much the renter bothers you? I don't know.

 

On the positive side (if there is one) I assume that someone who is overly loyal to his friends will eventually be loyal to you, too.

 

I don't think you can change your husband's feelings toward his friend. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who is going to start a big conflict with the renter. You can change the living situation, I hope, so that it isn't an issue.

 

Honestly, I feel like a third wheel in this marriage mainly because of how my husband feels about the renter. I feel that they are together and I'm an outsider into this home and marriage. I'm not interested in paying towards the mortgage as long as the renter stays here.

 

I'm sorry to hear this. Part of marriage is that you have to make your spouse's needs a priority over friends and even other family, and he has to understand that. Even though you share a home, you and your husband don't seem to have become a "we" yet...it sounds more like "him" and "me." I hope the renter is out in April.

 

I really don't know what to think, Marsh. I sometimes feel like maybe I would have been just better off single. Maybe I'm really not that desirable to any man, afterall. I somehow met a guy for marriage who has loyalty towards his loser friend than his hard-working wife. And I don't need to reiterate the experiences I have had before this. My husband is still going through his program. He is worn-out and tired. I'm still not licensed. I have been going, going, one thing after the other in this country ever since I came back in. So, we both need a break. He is sensitive about the renter. I'm agry about the renter. It takes all the control in me to keep my mouth shut about the renter's issue. I'm trying not to discuss anything these days with him.

 

You don't need to keep your mouth shut. As long as you aren't mean or disrespectful, you have every right to disagree with your husband and to argue and discuss with him. You are married, not a slave.

 

I hope things improve.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Marsh. I will remind myself of the last line in your post everytime I talk to my husband.

Something very strange happened a couple of days ago. At night, I had a bad dream related to my marriage and woke up screaming and at 2AM woke my husband up and asked him if we were still legally married.

Later that morning, after he woke up, he asked me what was that about.

Me "I had a bad dream. I guess, it erupted from my anxiety about our marriage. I feel insecure. This living situation is stressing me out and its not working for me. I really don't appreciate how your friend said the other day that your life is still set even if I (your wife) walk away because I will have to pay allimony to you."

Him "You are taking it out of context. He was being funny"

Me "As a friend I would not talk about my friend's marriage or much worse allimony"

Him "He is not my friend. He is like a brother"

Me "My point still stands. He was out of line with his comment. And if you support that then what am I here for? Just to support myself financially and pay allimony to you? You didn't support my education."

Him "I agree that he is blunt at times."

Me "Not only that, he is also intrusive. He should mind his business."

Him "Don't worrry. He will move out in April."

Me "If you say so. I don't see anything moving."

Him "Because its not yet April."

Me "So you mean to say things are suddenly going to move in one day?"

Him "Ya, he doesn't have much stuff to move."

 

Yes, you are right Marsh. My husband doesn't like conflict, in general. And every time I open my mouth to talk to him about the renter, I need to remind myself that I will only talk about my feelings related to the privacy in marriage. If I talk about the renter's lifestyle, his life choices, his behavior... my husband turns a deaf ear to that or defends his friend.

The other day, he said, "You are the only child. You will not understand the middle child syndrome. The oldest is expected to be successful and serve as an example to the younger ones. The youngest gets pampered. The middle child is mostly directionless."

Me "So, what you are saying is that all middle children or most middle children are this way. You are a middle child, too. I don't see you being dependent on anyone."

Him "I'm self-driven. I have no choice. I have to keep doing soomething to put food on the table."

Me "So, what choice does he have? Does he not need to put food on his table somehow?"

Him "He is not self-driven. We have all seen that."

Me "At some point, you will need to practice tough love. Your sister is going through a bad bad phase. She could easily surrender and move in with her dad, but she is still working some little job she can get with her skillset to provide for her daughters. IF a woman can do that what excuse does your friend have for not working and staying under his friend's roof?"

Silence...

 

Last night, we went out for a quick bite. My husband got food for his friend and took the food and a cold beer into his friend's room. Even I haven't gotten this service from him. The other day we were out grocery shopping. My husband got a text from his friend. "Get hand soap and toilet roll while you are out. We are out." Really????? You are going to hoard all your money while we support your complete stay here. I was visibly upset. My husband said "its not a big deal" Why will anyone want to leave if they are getting free food, free room, basically a free stay. Even I don't get a free stay here.

[marshmlofluff]

I agree with what you said above--when you talk to your husband, stick to the fact that this living situation is not working for you. Your house is your home; you have a say in who lives there. That you don't want a roommate and that you specifically don't want THIS roommate is enough. You don't need to justify further.

 

The alimony thing does sound like it was a joke, like "ha ha...look, you got so lucky in marriage that even if your wife dumps you, you are still better off than you were!" Men do sometimes tease each other like that. And especially if he said it before your exam, in a way it was a compliment...he was sure you were going to pass and then get a better job.

 

The renter situation sucks, and I'm sure the renter is a jerk overall, but maybe that particular comment really was just a joke.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Marsh. Maybe I should just put that alimony joke behind me.

 

I don't really have an update.

I asked our common friend to find out when the renter might leave. He said (to her), "I'm looking for apartments online, but every time I like something, it is taken off the market within a few days. Hence, I haven't found anything so far." So, clearly no date yet when he will move out. There is noone that will get on his case and push him to look for an apartment and help him move out. Moving out is not his priority. We all are busy with our own life and there is noone to go out with him for apartment hunting. So, my guess is that until my husband actually has time to go looking for an apartment with him, he is not going to move out. This can take May/June. My husband is not going to throw him out, either. Because of my status, I'm stuck for at least 1 more year and won't be able to give an ulimatum and move out. So, everyone is relaxed.

 

I got my license number. No real date when I may be hired at this place.

[marshmlofluff]

Why on Earth can't the renter apartment hunt by himself? He sounds like a baby! It's at least good that he's doing something, and I hope he gets out soon.

 

Congrats on your licensing...wow, you did it! Maybe while waiting for conversion of your job here, you can apply for other jobs too? It's always good to have options, especially if you aren't sure what is going on at your current job, or how long it will take.

[LAYAAN]

Its not that he can't. He doesn't want to get out of this house, so he is dragging his feet. Husband is very busy and stressed - going through his paramedic school one more time. So, I'm not trying to aggravate him even more by telling him to give his friend an ultimatum. The renter knows that his friend is not going to throw him out on the street. So, he is taking full advantage of the situation. Also, the renter is busy playing video games. That takes priority over house-hunting. One of the challenges is that the renter doesn't have a job and does not appear to be looking for one. So, getting a place to rent when you don't have a job becomes difficult, if not impossible. Also, he knows that his friend doesn't want him to leave, but he is doing it to keep me calm. So, this is his way of protesting by not leaving because "This is my friend's house and I'm honoring my friend's wish by staying here. His wife has no say in this. I will stay as long as my friend wants me here."

 

I'm down on my knees in front of God. I'm on a prayer cycle. I don't know what I can do from my side to get the renter out. I'm not sure if it will take my leaving this house for the renter to finally get out. Our common friend tells me not to leave this house as that will send a different message - "I'm okay with leaving my husband" and once that happens, the renter will start poisoning my husband's ears against me and being there for him always. "Well, if she really loved you, why did she leave you?" Every time I have not been available to do some activity, the renter has quickly filled that space - whether it is going to movies, going to eat sushi (I'm a vegetarian), or something else. That's why I do things that I don't enjoy doing because it seems like my husband always likes to have a company. I feel like I'm back in high-school again, trying to win love and affection of a man who has an option.

 

On the other hand, the common friend has managed to send the renter on kind-of-a-date with a girl from her friend circle. She is 20, he is 36. Both of them like to play video games. She is recently engaged, but struggling with her fiance'. She stays with her parents nearby. He has been trying to hang out with her. Not sure how far that will go. She is lazy just like him.

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday was one of the blah days. It was my husband's birthday. I wanted to get out of the town with him, but his father had put the dinner together. I prepared the dessert a couple of days ahead as my contribution to the dinner. As usual the renter gave nothing to my husband for his birthday. I give one bigger gift of around $100 instead of 2-3 $20 gifts to my husband on valentine's day. This year I got him a full size cologne.

 

In a hope to take care of the pain during intercourse (because of my retrograde uterus), husband ordered something. He wanted to try it out yesterday morning.

I refused "You think I don't want to? Get your friend out. I don't feel comfortable having sex when he is around. I don't feel like I can express myself. Do you know if he has found something?"

Him "Well, he says he has been looking but nothing has worked out so far. He has found a home just 2 houses down the street. (He seemed happy while saying this)"

I did not hide my disappointment "Really? So, even if he moved out, he won't really be away from you. You know one of the concerns I had if I had to marry a man from my culture was to live with the in-laws in the same home. When I married you, I thought I can build a common life with you. That hope didn't last for too long. Ever since I have moved in with you in June 2015, I have been living in this house with your friend who doesn't want to get a life for himself and leave you alone. There is a saying 'You often meet your destiny on the road you took to avoid it.' Seems right! I feel like I came in between you and your friend."

Him "No, don't think like that. It was my decision to marry you. Very soon he will be gone. Don't worry."

 

I went to the local nursery to buy some bulbs. "We plant daffodil bulbs in fall itself. Now is the bloom time." Sigh! Called another nursery, same answer. Came back home. Watered the seeds I have sown.

Father-in-law called "I'm ready to start cooking."

What? Just the night before he said that he would call me around 4 pm. Took a quick nap for half an hour.

Told husband "Will go to FIL's place to help with cooking. You can relax here with your 1st wife (the renter) and come when you are ready." He said that he wanted to go with me too. The renter jumped in the car, too.

 

The dinner was blah for me. I only had mashed potatoes to eat and the dessert that I made.

FIL's gf asked the renter "How is your job search going?"

The renter "Umm... well, you know jobs are hard to come by."

 

Came home dog-tired and just wanted to call my mom and cry. A couple of days ago, my mom called me to find out how I was. I told her that there was no change in my situation. She said "Do you want to come back and live with us? You can consider adopting a child here. You have no debt and you can live in our home." The question is - Can I survive in that culture as a divorcee woman? I do not know what to do. Even if I leave this man, I'm not sure I have it in me to put myself back on the market. I hate the marriage system in my culture and dating jungle takes emotional strength that I do not have.

 

My other friend says that I will lose my husband if I keep refusing him sex. She says that I'm giving power to the renter by thinking that he is a problem and working things in my life around his schedule. "You should act like he doesn't exist in that house." I just want to go away somewhere on my own for a few days. May be it will help me clear my head.

 

The good renter is almost done packing and is getting ready to leave the house. Sigh! If I get hired and the renter has not left, I was thinking maybe I could rent a place nearby and tell my husband "I'm not leaving you. I just can't live in that house with the renter being there 24x7. You can live here with me until he is gone. I can move back to your house once he is gone." Will that change anything?

 

On a positive note, I have planted seeds and some of them have started growing. I spend some time in my small garden every morning. I have also planted some cooking herbs. I am making plans to go look at wild flowers with my husband on Friday.

[annie24]

I think you two should sign up for marriage counseling because there are several issues you need to work on here.

[marshmlofluff]

I agree with Annie. Sounds like a lot is going on and it's a complex situation. If you can get your husband to go with you this time to the counselor, talking things out might help.

 

It sounds like your freeloader is slowly leaving. Most of your complaints seem to be about him, so hopefully him leaving improves everything.

 

Don't leave the house. You are married! If you can't live with the renter, kick *him* out. Can you invite someone--maybe your parents, or even in laws--to visit, and say you need the room?

[LAYAAN]

Marsh,

Your line "It sounds like your freeloader is slowly leaving. Most of your complaints seem to be about him, so hopefully him leaving improves everything." made me think. What does exactly bother me?

 

- Having someone in the home 24X7 has taken away the privacy in the marriage.

As our common friend pointed out in the past, this has nothing to do with the renter specifically. Even the nicest, cleanest person will irk you if they were present in your home 24X7.

- I find the renter nosy and rude and is blunt in his comments. He thinks that this is his home even if he is not on the title and doesn't pay the rent. I have a problem with that attitude. He needs to get a life for himself and stop meddling with other people's business.

- I have a problem with my husband's passive nature. He can say to the renter "Don't butt into our conversation. You are connected to my wife through me. So, whatever you need to say to her, you can say to me. She is not your business." I can't express my opinion in this house without the renter coming down to correct me immediately. Why is his opinion valid and mine isn't? Why does a freeloader get an opinion, but I'm always told by him that I'm wrong in all my opinions? And my husband silently watches this!

- It is not just that the renter is dependent on my husband. My husband is also dependent on him to go everywhere. I have a problem with that.

 

My mother told me straight up around my wedding time that I shouldn't expect anything from her.

Her reason to not come here to visit me is that she doesn't want to (and can't) leave my father's side even for a minute. He doesn't want to step outside his home. There is noone willing to look after him (due to his numerous health issues and sudden changes in his health). He retired in 2000 from his job and since then he has been home. His life revolves around pharmacy, doctors, and path lab.

So, my parents are not coming here anytime soon.

 

I haven't shared my problem with anyone from my husband's family. So, I can't expect them to help me out. Even if I did, I'm not sure that they will be on my side. So, I can't think of anyone from his family to come save me.

[marshmlofluff]

So the first two problems will end when the renter leaves. The third and fourth may not change but at least they won't affect you as much.

 

What if you bribe this guy to get out? Like if you tell him that if he gets out by May 1 he can take your video game system (or something else he likes). This is a technique that landlords use to get rid of bad tenants fast...

[LAYAAN]

I thought about it. Not in terms of game equipment, but thought maybe I could offer him a couple of months of rent up-to a certain amount. Talked about it with our common friend. She talked me out of it.

Her reasons -

- it shows desperation. It is OK, but you are not in a conventional landlord-renter relationship. He is almost like a brother to your husband which may make this offer look bad. "I'm so tired of you, I'm willing to fork out money to get rid of you." And this is a direct blow to his ego n do more harm than good.

- Let's say you pay him a $1000 to cover his 2 months rent. What after that? The problem is not immediate lack of money. He has stored away about $30K that he earned last year. The problem is lack of income. He needs that to rent something outside.

 

I don't have this kind of money. I'm somehow able to make my own credit card payments and find myself waiting for next paycheck. I doubt that my husband will be willing to fork out this kind of money either.

[marshmlofluff]

Does the renter know how much you dislike him and his living in your house?

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I tot so. I never confronted him in a direct manner. I am not confident about my ability to handle my insult n personal attack. I know that my husband does not involve himself in this matter to put him in his place. I've seen it before.

Also, my reason not to confront him is because I'm alone at home many nights. I can't lock the bedroom door because of the cat. I don't want this guy to go crazy n take it out on me.

I wanted only him to leave, but the common friend said that it's going to look like you are only picking at him n this won't get you anywhere with your husband. I know that in the past, every

[LAYAAN]

... every time I said anything against the renter, husband got upset n defended him. So, I changed my position to "I need privacy in marriage." So, that automatically affects both the renters. Not just 1.

I'm sure that the renter knows that I don't like him but he stays here to honor his friend. Until he tells him to go, it's not going to happen.

[marshmlofluff]

I'm surprised that your husband feels totally free to have you share your living space for TWO YEARS with someone he knows you don't like and don't want to live with. He seems to think it's only his home and he can move in whoever he wants for as long as he wants. That's not normal in a marriage.

 

I understand that you are in a vulnerable position being on a conditional green card, far from home, with little money, and isolated from your family in a foreign country. That is all the more reason you need to stand up for yourself at home. If you think of yourself as a second class citizen and behave like one, both your husband and the renter will treat you like one. A few years ago, my husband was in a similar logistic situation to you. Even so, he would not have put up with this for five minutes.

 

Right now as I understand it you don't even know whether the renter is paying rent, which means that you don't have any access to information about your own marital finances. Two years into marriage, you still aren't even on the house title, which means it's your husband's house. You are afraid to have any conversations with the renter. You contort your own life in order to avoid him, instead of making him be the one to adjust to you or get out. No wonder you feel bad.

 

Don't wait for your husband to defend you. If you don't defend yourself, nobody will. If the renter butts into your personal conversations, tell him yourself to butt out. Don't act like a frightened maid in your own house, where you should be the queen.

 

I think if your husband goes with you to counseling that is the best thing, but if not you might go again on your own. This also helps create a paper trail and document that your marriage happened in good faith and you did your best. Even at the citizenship interview you will still have to provide proof that you are married and have been living together, so if you are trying to just tolerate things and not rock the boat until you are free, it will be a long time. It's better to just stand up straight now and make sure your basic needs are met and that your marriage is a partnership.

 

That and go to a lawyer to find out what your rights are as far as evicting this guy. You talk about giving your husband an ultimatum. I think the ultimatum is not that *you* leave the house; it's that you are no longer willing to share your living space with this guy and either he gets out on his own or you are going to throw him out yourself. Again it's worth finding what your rights are...I suspect it's a problem that you are not on the title.

[LAYAAN]

I'm surprised that your husband feels totally free to have you share your living space for TWO YEARS with someone he knows you don't like and don't want to live with. He seems to think it's only his home and he can move in whoever he wants for as long as he wants. That's not normal in a marriage.

Well, it has been 2 years since the renter moved in here, but he moved in here before I came here. Even then we were trying to decide when to get married and the wedding was very sudden. The renter didn't stay here between Aug 2015 through Feb 2016. Problems cropped up when the renter and I actually started sharing the same house from mid-Feb. Around June or Aug I first opened my mouth because he ate my food. So, technically it is only a year old.

None-the-less yes, I agree that my husband should have consulted with me before he took the decision to let him continue living here, but in his defense - he asked me before marriage "Is it okay if the renter stays here?" I didn't understand what he meant. I didn't ask for clarification because it didn't occur to me that his living here long-term would even be an option. It was so out of normal concept that it didn't even occur to me that something like this would happen.