Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Talked to my mom. (I had to call her or else I hear it from her in the next call that it has been X no. of days and I haven't called her and I don't care about her.)

I'm so aggravated right now. Ugh!!! I just want to go somewhere and jump. She started "You need to visit us. When? When? Everyone asked me why you couldn't attend my surgery."

I calmly told her "I told you before also. I want to visit you, but I have more important matters that need my attention. I'm trying to study for my exams. I want peace of mind. Please don't ask me this over n over. This is exactly how you behaved in 2012. I finally packed my bags and returned for good. I want you to leave me alone to figure some things out, to take my exams, to get a job. I will visit you when my schedule allows me to. And those that are asking you why I couldn't attend your surgery. Convey my message to them - "My mother didn't check with me before scheduling her surgery. I never promised her that I will show up no matter what date and time she goes for her surgery. Hence, I'm not obligated to move as per her schedule."

I need at least 2 weeks to visit her. One week will be lost in jet lag. One extra week will be lost in jet lag after I come back. Total 3 weeks gone. I work on weekends and I need the manager to give me at least 1 weekend off before my exam. I don't feel comfortable asking the manager for 3-4 weekends off in a row. I can only not work for 3 weeks without getting kicked out of the system electronically (unless I get higher manager's permission). The other weekend, I had to work even while my right hand was swollen because we have minimum staff on weekends.

Day before that, I had to go visit a friend who was visiting from out of state. Half day was gone.

Yesterday, I had to go with my husband at my father-in-law's place for dinner. We went at 6, came back at 10. 4 hours of studying gone. I kept my mouth shut.

My father-in-law wants all of us to go visit my husband's grandma on east coast. She is almost 100. He says we need to do it soon. So, considering her age, most likely I will have to suck it up and go right after my exams to meet her instead.

 

I don't want to socialize. I just want to be left alone to focus on my studies. I wanted to study a chapter now before leaving for work. The phone call with my mom has rattled me. Now, I'm sitting here fuming when I should be studying. Ugh!!

[annie24]

ugh. i'm sorry. maybe go for a walk to clear your head. You might consider not taking your mom's calls for a while. I know that's hard. My mom is difficult as well. I literally cannot walk about the door without her commenting on 5 things wrong with my outfit and that I need to go back to my room and change. Yes, this is also why I live thousands of miles away from her.

[marshmlofluff]

Hi L. I remember years ago when you were preparing for your exams, you were also very anxious. I guess this time the situation is much improved. You don't have visa issues, you finished your degree, you don't have the tension of having to look for a husband, and you and your husband are both employed and also earning income from rent. With your GC you don't need to worry that after passing your exams you will be unable to find jobs except in rural places. There is no deadline for you to take these exams and you have multiple chances to pass.

 

So try to relax a bit and take it easy. Actually you have made so much life progress in the last few years. You finished your degree, found your husband, and found jobs. Everything you wanted to do, you did. You will do this too.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Marsh for the kind words.

Your post and my recent doctor's visit (for my anxiety meds) made me sit down and think about why I'm anxious (again).

A few reasons I can think about is -

- I can't count on my husband for much financial support. We don't have a pre-nup, but I just don't feel that I can count on my husband for financial support.

- I feel behind in life despite being sincere and hard-working

- I really don't know what to do if this pharmacy thing doesn't work out.

We live far from any biotech hub and pursuing a job in industry would mean moving and living away from my husband and having 2 separate nests. I know that my husband is in no position to move anytime soon. So, I feel like this is the last thing I can do to get a decent job and if it doesn't work then I'm down in the pit of depression and anxiety again.

Since I haven't done postdoc, pursuing a tenure-track academic position is also not an immediate option.

 

On a side note, I tried to go back on my anti-anxiety medication and that didn't work. I tried it for 2 days... I was so drowsy that I stopped the med. My doctor says "We will try other meds if this isn't working for you." Don't have much room for trial and error when I should be studying. This med worked for me in 2009. Not it isn't. Don't know why. So, for now I'm without any med.

[LAYAAN]

ugh. i'm sorry. maybe go for a walk to clear your head. You might consider not taking your mom's calls for a while. I know that's hard. My mom is difficult as well. I literally cannot walk about the door without her commenting on 5 things wrong with my outfit and that I need to go back to my room and change. Yes, this is also why I live thousands of miles away from her.

Hi Annie, yes, I am trying not to talk to her much.

I wonder if old age does this to people. I know my mom is anxious because of her failing health and she is the only caretaker of my father whose health is much worse than my mom's. In addition, he is very adamant in his beliefs and won't bend for anyone. He is old-fashioned and doesn't want to accept any new approach to a problem and resists any change. This creates arguments and fights. That adds to the anxiety of my mom. Sigh!

And I see a lot of old people at the pharmacy and most of them act this way. Very anxious and non-trusting. I wonder what I would be like once I get old.

[LAYAAN]

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[marshmlofluff]

Thanks Marsh for the kind words.

Your post and my recent doctor's visit (for my anxiety meds) made me sit down and think about why I'm anxious (again).

A few reasons I can think about is -

- I can't count on my husband for much financial support. We don't have a pre-nup, but I just don't feel that I can count on my husband for financial support.

- I feel behind in life despite being sincere and hard-working

- I really don't know what to do if this pharmacy thing doesn't work out.

We live far from any biotech hub and pursuing a job in industry would mean moving and living away from my husband and having 2 separate nests. I know that my husband is in no position to move anytime soon. So, I feel like this is the last thing I can do to get a decent job and if it doesn't work then I'm down in the pit of depression and anxiety again.

Since I haven't done postdoc, pursuing a tenure-track academic position is also not an immediate option.

 

On a side note, I tried to go back on my anti-anxiety medication and that didn't work. I tried it for 2 days... I was so drowsy that I stopped the med. My doctor says "We will try other meds if this isn't working for you." Don't have much room for trial and error when I should be studying. This med worked for me in 2009. Not it isn't. Don't know why. So, for now I'm without any med.

 

Hi L. I can't imagine that pharmacy doesn't work out, as you have no deadline to take these exams and several chances so you can just prepare as much as you need. Take a Kaplan class if necessary (I know they have them for medical boards...not sure about pharmacy.) But even if you don't become a pharmacist, then you can do other things. Consultancy, regulatory work...much can be done remotely so you don't need to be near a bio hub. There is no "ahead" or "behind" in life as we all take different roads. Anyway you are much more than your job. Many women don't work at all and their life still has meaning. As you get used to marriage you will feel less like there is "his" money and "yours." The common expenses will become difficult to keep track of even if you want to. Anyway the whole world is open to you. Study, take care of yourself and family as you are able, and enjoy the life you have worked hard to build. You are doing fine.

[ballerinababe]

LAYAAN, are you studying for the NAPLEX exam, or something different? I ask because I took the NAPLEX about a year ago. After graduating in May, I couldn't get myself to study, and things were even more overwhelming because I had to pack up and move to another state. So I basically wasted over 1.5 months procrastinating. I could NOT get myself to study!

 

Finally I got the RxPrep book and just tried to grind through several chapters a day and take the accompanying quizzes from the app (which were very helpful). With each chapter I wrote my own flash cards using an app called Quizlet. Some chapters took way longer than others. I had to reschedule the exam (i.e., push it back) TWICE and pay the fine to do so. I literally did not leave the house most days and just studied for 10-14 hours a day. I admit some days I couldn't get myself to study and spent several days in a terrible procrastination funk watching 3 seasons of a TV series. However, after about 40 days I had gotten through most of the chapters, and I had ~ 10 days left to review. These were the best days because I had the flashcards on my app, and I would go on long walks while quizzing myself with the flashcards. I'm talking several hour walks. It was so refreshing to be outside and not be stuck inside in the same corner studying! I highly recommend this method. I also tried to go back and review all the book chapters. My goal was to get through all the chapters twice, but this didn't happen. I ended up completely skipping 3-4 chapters (not even reading them once), and reviewing maybe 2/3 of the rest.

 

After the reviewing and flashcards I still didn't feel ready at all! I was sure I needed at least another 2-3 weeks to get through all the chapters one more time and drill the flashcards. I'd only studied for ~ 1.5 months, but I simply couldn't reschedule the exam again. I was supposed to start my new job and I had already pushed back my start date several times. I was terrified I would flunk!

 

So what happened? Well, the exam turned out to be relatively easy and I got a much higher score than I needed to pass. Turned out I way over-studied, but I don't regret it because I learned a lot (even though I've forgotten a ton of it by now, alas). Honestly I think I could've passed it just studying a couple weeks! I was amazed by how easy most of the questions were. (It was the pharmacy LAW exam that was WAY harder, and I still have no idea how I managed to pass that on the first try!)

 

Trust me, if you took the exam now, I am sure you would pass, and you would wonder why you spent so many weeks stressing over studying. You've been studying a lot. I know there have been lots of distractions, but you are probably retaining a lot more information than you realize you are retaining. When is your exam scheduled?

[annie24]

I feel behind in life despite being sincere and hard-working

 

You're healthy, you have a PhD, you have a lovely new husband. I think you are doing great!! I'm sure you will pass this exam. Everything will work out. You've actually achieved several large goals in the past few years, so no reason to think you won't keep on meeting your goals. hugs.

[LAYAAN]

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[LAYAAN]

Hello Ballerinababe,

Congratulations on cracking those exams! That must be a great relief!

Yes, I'm studying for the same. I have to take a different kind of MPJE because of the state that I'm in and it is very clinical in nature just like NAPLEX. Even pharmacists from other states have failed this exam.

I tried studying with a couple of study partners, but so far it hasn't worked out. So, I'm doing my best and clearly not doing a good job at it. I forget a lot of stuff and reviewing takes time that is why the delay. I still haven't practiced calculation problems, ID, and onco. Can you imagine? I hope to get a good grip over these important chapters before I take the exam.

I need prayers and studies and my anxiety isn't helping this either. Sigh!

[LAYAAN]

You're healthy, you have a PhD, you have a lovely new husband. I think you are doing great!! I'm sure you will pass this exam. Everything will work out. You've actually achieved several large goals in the past few years, so no reason to think you won't keep on meeting your goals. hugs.

Thank you Annie for your kinds words. What you are saying may be true, but it just doesn't feel that I have achieved much.

I hope that I can control my anxiety and keep studying more.

[LAYAAN]

I tried not to come here and write about certain things, but I just need to get it out of my system.

 

We just had our wedding anniversary. No celebration, nothing. Husband is trying to get out of his debt. I'm barely making it by, as well. In days leading upto the anniversary day, we hit rough spot because I brought up the touchy topics for my husband - 1) Get his friend's car out of our garage. He is getting no rent for it. The car has been in our garage for more than a year now. His defense - the car is not registered to be on the road. His friend doesn't have money to pay him rent so he is not going to talk to him about it. 2) Getting a dog has become an issue. He has a cat. She is the best cat in the world. Very loving, clean, well-behaved, etc. I love her. Now he wants to get a dog. Even before we got married, I made it clear to him that a dog is a responsibility that I don't want to shoulder. I have never been around dogs. My life is still unstable and once I get a job, I want some calmness in my life. I want to relax and travel for fun. His response - we will ask the renter to take care of the dog.

Me - "You can't push your pets onto your friends, routinely. And how long the renter is going to be around? You can't keep him around for your selfish reasons. He needs to get his own life and move on."

My husband got irritated "And he will at his own pace." silence..... then he said "You are the one freaking out when there is noone home at night."

Me - "certainly! I know that. All my life upto now I have lived in thickly populated areas and mostly in apartments. You can't blame me if I don't like to live by myself in a house that is not in a gated community. IT will take some time for this to go out of my system. Look if you have any other plans for him, let me know."

Silence again....

 

The renter has lost his job... yet again. He is not worried about it, naturally. He is going with my husband on family vacation in a few days. My exams are just days away and now he is home 24/7 watching TV, bringing home junk food. I work only 1 day a week and not making any money at all. My husband is off work the entire month of October (I don't know the reason. He never consulted with me on that. I told him that I would be busy with my studies and he can go take his extra training course during this time that he needs to complete. Not sure that he will do that.). I'm going to look into driving an hour away to my alma mater to study in a library so I can stay away from this madness.

 

I keep wondering if I made a mistake by marrying? Is there something wrong with me that things just keep going wrong with me? I can't say all this to my mom. She was not in support of my marriage, really. Sigh! The stress of exam, lack of sleep, back pain due to extended hours of sitting, anxiety, and now the changed circumstances have taken a toll on me.

[annie24]

2 questions: when is your exam? and how is he going to pay for the dog if money is already tight? It seems like an unnecessary expense right now.

[ballerinababe]

Is there anything positive about your husband? Are you extremely attracted to each other, have amazing chemistry? He doesn't seem to respect you/your voice and puts his friend's needs ahead of yours. He didn't even consult with you about taking off an entire month from work -- you'd think he'd want to take off work after you pass your exam so you could celebrate and vacation together. I'm trying to find redeeming qualities in him but it's really challenging given the information you've presented.

 

For now I'd try to hold out and pass your exam. Push everything out of your mind, drive to your alma mater's library and get some peace away from that lazy renter. Once the stress of the exam has been lifted and you know you've passed, then you can reflect more on your marriage and living situation. What kind of job will you be looking for after that? Will you be staying in the same house/location or will you be moving? Will your husband move if/when you get a job? It sounds like his job is not at all lucrative -- why is he in so much debt, anyway? Surely he would agree to move elsewhere (away from that disgusting friend/renter!) once you get a good job, because as a pharmacist you'll be making 6 figures instantly and I'm guessing that's way more than he makes.

 

Why wasn't your mom in favor of the marriage?

[LAYAAN]

2 questions: when is your exam? and how is he going to pay for the dog if money is already tight? It seems like an unnecessary expense right now.

21st

He doesn't want to get a dog right now, because he is starting some professional training in Jan. It will last upto Jun/July. Post that he wants to get a dog.

[LAYAAN]

Is there anything positive about your husband? Are you extremely attracted to each other, have amazing chemistry? He doesn't seem to respect you/your voice and puts his friend's needs ahead of yours. He didn't even consult with you about taking off an entire month from work -- you'd think he'd want to take off work after you pass your exam so you could celebrate and vacation together. I'm trying to find redeeming qualities in him but it's really challenging given the information you've presented.

He is a calm person, who doesn't push me to cook, clean, do the laundry. My choices were very limited due to my age (in my culture), my lack of desire to have kids (for my age) and I didn't want to be with men who already have kids. He actually has a very good job, but he was in debt due to his professional training, classes. To that got added payments for the engagement ring and down payment of my car. He also had to fly to see me across the country. His lifestyle isn't lavish exactly, but outside his means. I still feel that once this renter leaves, I will be able to build a decent relationship with my husband and make things work.

 

I just talked to my husband and have 2 updates - 1) he says that as of now he is out of debt, but we have no emergency saving/fund. 2) He says that he will go on family vacation (more on that later) from 1st thr 8th and go for his class from 11th thr 20th. We go to meet his grandma from 22nd thr 30th and he is back to work again.

 

For now I'd try to hold out and pass your exam. Push everything out of your mind, drive to your alma mater's library and get some peace away from that lazy renter. Once the stress of the exam has been lifted and you know you've passed, then you can reflect more on your marriage and living situation. What kind of job will you be looking for after that? Will you be staying in the same house/location or will you be moving? Will your husband move if/when you get a job? It sounds like his job is not at all lucrative -- why is he in so much debt, anyway? Surely he would agree to move elsewhere (away from that disgusting friend/renter!) once you get a good job, because as a pharmacist you'll be making 6 figures instantly and I'm guessing that's way more than he makes.

Why wasn't your mom in favor of the marriage?

Can I tell you something? I am not sure that I will make it through these exams in 1st attempt. The national exam is changing every year. I'm not good at memorizing facts. I really suck at it. Even if I pass the national exam, the state exam is a beast and I'm sure I will require lots of studying (and that means more months) to finally pass it. When I clear these exams will determine what kinda job I will be looking for. IF it takes too long, I will have to look for something in the mean time.

I'm not sure exactly where we will stay. He wants to stay here. His dad is around. I want to move from this place and keep this as a rental property. But we will see.

I will PM you about his job. Its a decent job. He was in debt before we got married. He doesn't want to move away from his friend (that's what I gather). I am praying that something changes so drastically in his friend's life that he has no choice to move.

My mom didn't like that he is only has a highschool diploma. Also, my mom didn't want me to settle down away from my home country.

[ballerinababe]

Suddenly he announces you're out of debt but have no emergency fund? It's weird how he just informs you of your financial situation. Is that normal in your culture? I would think you would both be managing your finances jointly together. Maybe that will change once you get a job?

 

He also just informs you of his vacation dates without consulting with you? And he'll be vacationing while you're home alone slaving away studying? I guess on one hand it will be nice to have some peace and quiet while he is gone (I assume the friend is tagging along and getting a free vacation out of it), but on the other hand it seems quite rude that he is off relaxing and having fun while you're stressing alone at home. And then the very day after your exam you have to go and visit his grandma for 8 days? Good grief... You'd think you could get a couple days to decompress first!

 

I heard they are changing the national exam effective in November so that it's 6 hours long and 200 questions. It's good you're taking the exam before that change takes place! You still have almost 4 weeks to study and have time to review lots of material. Did you practice a lot of math questions? I found it was very useful to have the math part easily under my belt because that doesn't require blind memorization -- just have to understand concepts. As for the state exam, I don't know which state you're in, but it's true, my state exam was much harder than the national one. However, I only gave myself 2 weeks to study (I wasn't expecting it to be that hard!). Somehow passed although I thought I had flunked. Everyone I know who took that state exam thought they'd flunked, but passed on the first try. So clearly a person can do horribly on the exam and still pass. I think you will be fine and pass on the first time!

[LAYAAN]

Suddenly he announces you're out of debt but have no emergency fund? It's weird how he just informs you of your financial situation. Is that normal in your culture? I would think you would both be managing your finances jointly together. Maybe that will change once you get a job?

Not suddenly. I kinda got to know about this when he was away on a 2-week assignment. He said that he would be getting overtime and would be able to get out of debt. But since he likes to spend money on electronic gadgets and eating out, I wasn't sure if he really would be able to get out of debt. He is not from my culture (will PM you on that). Its worse in my culture. Even after I get a job it won't change. I don't intend to manage our finances jointly. I'm much more tight-fisted with money than he is. So, we have a joint account and we have our separate accounts and credit cards. I want to keep it that way.

 

He also just informs you of his vacation dates without consulting with you? And he'll be vacationing while you're home alone slaving away studying? I guess on one hand it will be nice to have some peace and quiet while he is gone (I assume the friend is tagging along and getting a free vacation out of it), but on the other hand it seems quite rude that he is off relaxing and having fun while you're stressing alone at home. And then the very day after your exam you have to go and visit his grandma for 8 days? Good grief... You'd think you could get a couple days to decompress first!

Not really. I learned last year that it is his family tradition to go on a vacation from 1st thr 8th Oct every year, same place, same set of people, same time. Last year was my first time and I didn't like it. I was bored. I had to take care of immigration procedure, get my stuff ready. That was my priority. I needed to join him last year for several reasons - 1) I didn't want to draw immediate negative attention within days after our wedding by not joining. 2) I didn't have a car or a job then. So, I wouldn't be able to take care of my stuff on my own anyway. 3) I wanted to see what it was about. Once I realized it was boring, I decided that next time onward, I'm not going to go with him on this stupid vacation. These are the same people that I get to see every year. Why would I want to go see them again at the same vacation spot, same time of the year? Makes no sense to me. This is something that he really wants to do because last year he took 12 days out of his 3-month internship to be on this vacation. I wouldn't have done it in his shoes. But him and I are different people. We do things differently and I can't force him to change right after our wedding. He will fight it and that would result in his resenting me.

This year his father asked him if he would be joining him in October. He gave him a yes without asking me. I didn't like it, but I'm not going to fight it. He may have given him a yes based on the information he had at that time (we had no plans to go anywhere). I hope that slowly things would change.

Yes, I want to decompress. But my life so far has been such that I had to take care of 1 problem after the other. It was a chain of things I either had to take care of or stressful events I had to undergo. Didn't have much choice. Even after I'm done with the national exam I have to keep studying whether I pass or fail and I don't want any disturbance then. My husband has taken October off work because I was thinking of us visiting my parents in my country. (This wasn't something we discussed thoroughly or planned.) Initially I was hoping to take the national exam in Sep end and relax in month of Oct. That changed when I got to know of the 5-day live course for the preparation of exams. I took it in early Sep.

[LAYAAN]

Continued from previous post...

About visiting his father's side of the family in midwest - I don't want to put it off because his grandma is almost 100. She couldn't attend our wedding. This is a good time for me. Because after this we have thanksgiving and Christmas. Right after that my husband is going to start a professional training program that would go on for 6-7 months.

You know, people don't realize how stressful medical, pharmacy, dentistry exams are. And they also don't get that you have to take at least 2 exams that require long preparation. For me, I have been out of school for years now. I haven't been a practicing professional. So, I am having a lot of catching up to do. Once I pass my exams , get a job, get a certain immigration status, I hope that my life will have less ups and downs.

I feel tired, exhausted. And I'm not talking about tiredness that will go away after you get a good night sleep or massage. I sometimes wonder if my life will ever go into a "cruising along" mode. Just one thing after the other keeps happening. This is also one of the reasons I'm not able to focus on studies. My husband's life on the other hand has been fairly smooth sailing. He doesn't get why I'm stressed. When I try to explain something... the renter jumps in with his opinion. Sigh!

[marshmlofluff]

Hi L. Did you take the exam this week as planned? How is everything?

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Marsh. I'm OK. How are you?

Waiting for the results of 1 exam. Studying for another now.

[marshmlofluff]

Hi L. Wow, after so many years of worrying about this exam, it must be a relief to actually have attempted it. I hope you passed--and I suspect you did, because you took it quite seriously and spent a lot of time studying. But even in the worst case scenario if you have to take it again, the second time will be much easier as you will at least know exactly what to expect.

 

Nothing much new with me. Life is a bit hectic these days, but I'm overall quite happy. Some days I feel like I just got out of graduate school--and then I realize it's been ten years, and I ask myself where the time went.

 

Hoping that you do well on both exams, and that life is reasonably smooth after that. It seems like many healthcare professions are like that--you go through a few really difficult years, including a lot of exams--but at the end of it all for the most part you are employable and financially stable. That's a good reward. Hang in there.

[LAYAAN]

Marsh, I'm really happy for you. You have -what I consider to be -a picture perfect life and family.

[LAYAAN]

I passed the national exam. Phew!

The score is not great, but its a passing score. Thanks Annie, Marsh, Ballerinababe, and Ellie for your encouragement.