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LAYAAN

By LAYAAN
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LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

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Hello Silverbirch,

Thanks for writing.

No, I didn't marry the last man I wrote about. He never got back in touch and I had no real desire to get back in touch with him and get another no from him.

 

Fortunately, I was presented with an opportunity where someone I had dated before got back in touch. I was initially skeptical, but went with the flow. We met. He was consistent and took steps to make the relationship official and we got married late last year. I still can't believe it.

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Silverbirch Grand Master

Silverbirch

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Hello Silverbirch,

Thanks for writing.

No, I didn't marry the last man I wrote about. He never got back in touch and I had no real desire to get back in touch with him and get another no from him.

 

Fortunately, I was presented with an opportunity where someone I had dated before got back in touch. I was initially skeptical, but went with the flow. We met. He was consistent and took steps to make the relationship official and we got married late last year. I still can't believe it.

 

 

That's lovely Layann. I hope he is a very nice man. You deserve that!

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LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

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Ohhhhh....tell us about it! We heard all about all those other losers. We want to hear the 'love' story! Did you actually fall in love???

 

That's lovely Layann. I hope he is a very nice man. You deserve that!

Thank you both.

 

My now husband got in touch with me early last year. We lived in different countries then, so I really wasn't sure how long this would last. We kept in touch via phone, emails, etc. After a few months, I got an opportunity to visit his country. While I was on a business trip in his country, he flew across the country to visit me. I felt great being with him. He proposed. I said yes. (No, there was no ring, yet. Even I didn't know my ring size then.) I took a day off work and flew to his town to meet his family and friends. They all seemed happy with his choice. A few months later we got married.

 

So, this is a short and clean version of how we met again (we had dated few years ago and I had pulled the plug on him) and got married. But this journey wasn't easy for me. Since the moment I announced my decision to get married, there was a lot of drama in those few months. This was a shock to my parents and the company I worked for, back home. My parents stopped talking to me for a while. My supervisor created issues so I had to hire a lawyer. But during all this, my husband stayed firm, calm, and patient. That increased my confidence in him. And one more thing... I never once doubted that he may not marry me (I don't know why. He is a man of few words, so its not like he said something over n over to make me believe in him. I resigned from my job while in a foreign land when there was no wedding date set.)

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Silverbirch Grand Master

Silverbirch

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Hi Layann, in my father's culture, in his youth, arranged marriage was common. He was Mediterranean. Several of my older cousins had arranged marriages. I know of at least one case, they knew when they were children they would marry. Then their parents had a fallout, and my cousins ran away and married. They were VERY happy, had 2 daughters, but sadly, my cousins husband died suddenly if a cerebral aneurysm when he was in his 40s. My cousin never really got over it, and she became some type of nun with the church - she does have grandchildren. I don't know if she lives in a convent.

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LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

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Hi L. Just caught up on your posts after a long time. How is the roommate situation? When are your exams, and how is the studying going?

 

Hope all is well.

Hello Marsh,

How are you? Roommate situation is still the same. But a few things happened between my last post on that and now.

- He has found some temporary work and is gone for 12 hours a day.

- My husband talked to him about the food arrangement. He apologized to me. My husband didn't talk to him in front of me, but I think my husband said, "Any vegetarian food is off-limits (because it is mostly home-cooked by my wife for herself). You have to ask before you eat that food." He bought me vegetarian food a couple of times after that.

- I have been going for walks with my husband.

- I suggested my husband "When I get a better job, it would be nice to have the house to ourselves."

He said "Yes, they are not going to stay here forever. Eventually they will have to move on."

I have been much calmer over last few days. Writing my last post about the roommate (his life is his own and I have nothing to do with how he lives his life) really helped me get some emotional distance from the situation.

- Recently at my father-in-law's dinner, I was discussing how it is like at my workplace. The roommate didn't quite get the situation and started going off on "you guys are not doing this, that." My husband and immediately after that my father-in-law stood up for me and asked him to "cut it out" and he stopped it, immediately. I really appreciate my husband standing up for myself. I thanked him later.

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marshmlofluff Community Regular

marshmlofluff

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Hi L! Very busy but surviving! Life is pretty stable these days, thankfully. Nothing much new, and I am pretty content.

 

Glad things are better with the roommate situation and you are getting comfortable communicating with your husband. He sounds sweet. It sounds like nobody knew you were upset about some things, rather than not caring. With time I guess you will become more comfortable communicating. Everybody says the first year of marriage is the most challenging. Indeed it's a big transition to go from thinking of "your money" and "my money" to "our" house, "our" bank accounts, etc. Eventually your lives become so entangled though that it happens.

 

I would not devote further thought to the on/off guy if I were you. Sometimes people settle for trash because it reminds them of something familiar, or because for whatever reason they believe they don't deserve better, or won't be able to find better and the alternative is a lifetime of loneliness. If they are lucky, the trash eventually takes itself out--and a few years later they realize just how lucky they were, and that they dodged a bullet.

 

Hugs.

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LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

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Silverbirch, Oh, that's great! How long have you been a vegetarian and how do you like it?

For me, it is tough to find food while traveling. I don't do much dairy either (no cheese/milk). I eat yogurt once in a while or use it in cooking.

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LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

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I was reading some old posts from my journal. (Page no. 196, post # 1960)

My mom recently underwent partial knee replacement surgery. Her expectation was for me to be there for her. She wouldn't give me a confirmed date for her surgery and kept going back and forth (Exactly how she behaved in late 2011). I got mad and said "I hope you understand that I need to keep my job. I have lost a lot of money in lawyer fees due to a sudden change in plans. I was out of work for 7 months. I need to keep making car payments. If I don't have a job, it will cause a tension in my marriage. If you want me to be there, you need to move according to my dates, otherwise you are free to do what you want, when you want it." She didn't agree and went and got the surgery done when she wanted. That's alright.

I was talking to her a couple of days ago. She got mad at me for not being there for her surgery and went on n on about how she has to take care of my father, how she feels helpless and how everyone is taking advantage of her. I told her before that she had to let me know at least 2 months in advance if she wants me to be there by a certain time. I'm newly married, I have a job, I'm studying, and I don't have enough money. I can't get up and leave when she wants me to. She did the same thing to me in 2011 and I lost my job because of her lack of support and finally moved back home. Now the same crap again.

Then the argument went on and I finally hung up on her because of frustration. Ugh!!! I can't make her happy. I have tried and failed. So, I should do what is in my best interest.

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Silverbirch Grand Master

Silverbirch

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Hi Layann. I've been vegetarian for a few years now. The first time I was vegetarian for a few years but got sick so ate meat. Then around 5 years ago, I tried again. It was much easier and I haven't gotten sick. I do eat eggs but only free range, no cruelty and they mostly come from a farm I visit. I do eat dairy as well so it's easy. This time I had much easier access to international groceries and that why it's so easy.

 

Your mother has been very unreasonable. I'm glad you put your foot down with her.

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Ellie2006 Mentor

Ellie2006

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L, so glad that the roommate situation is settling down (albeit slowly).

And it's great that you and your husband are able to take walks and that you two appear more on the same page with the overall long-term goals.

 

As for your mom, yeah, that's a difficult one. I agree that you definitely have to place your needs (which includes the well-being of your self and your marriage and your job) first. But your mom being your mom, you also want to be there for her as much as you can, even if she's being unreasonable.

 

Other than going to nurse her immediately, can you make plans to go in the near future (after all of your work situation/exams have been settled)? Would that appease her at all?

 

Are there other ways of showing her that you care? It sounds like she feels left behind or abandoned by you.

I know that may appear unreasonable to many, but if you are her only child, I can understand how she may feel this way.

Plus, having had surgery, I can see how she may feel even more vulnerable.

 

Even if you can't be there for her, at the very least, maybe you can try to understand where she's coming from and how she may be feeling, rather than getting upset by her demands (as unreasonable as they may be).

 

Sending positive vibes your way, L!

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  • 2 weeks later...
LAYAAN Veteran

LAYAAN

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I haven't been able to write much in my journal.

Well, trying to study as much as I can. Postponed the exam twice already. Can't seem to get it together.

In last few weeks had to deal with some health-related issues, painful swollen right hand, wasn't able to study much. Now trying to get it back on the track.

Having trouble focusing on studies. Went to a neurologist (because my primary care suspected ADHD). He said "No, you are having anxiety. Go back to your primary and ask him to put you back on anti-anxiety pill and go see a psychologist."

I can't seem to focus. I'm nervous, jittery most of the time. I tried non-prescription "focus pills". That didn't help. Took non-prescription Caffeine pills trying to stay up. They made me even more jittery.

I have general anxiety and tests/exams make it worse.

 

I talked about this with my mom in a recent phone call. I tried to explain to her that I'm hanging in there and that is why I can't come to see her as quickly as she wants me to.

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