Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[marshmlofluff]

I passed the national exam. Phew!

The score is not great, but its a passing score. Thanks Annie, Marsh, Ballerinababe, and Ellie for your encouragement.

 

Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!! So happy for you!!!!!

 

(Not surprised, but happy!)

 

What a relief. You wanted to do this for so long, and overcame so many obstacles.

 

I guess you are preparing now for the state exam...best of luck. I don't know exactly how it works--but if I understand correctly, you have four attempts to pass (and then more attempts if you complete some coursework first). So try not to stress too much. Hang in there...it sounds like life will settle down soon.

[ballerinababe]

!!!!! Congratulations! I knew you would pass!

 

When's the law exam?

[Ellie2006]

Great news!!!! Congrats, Layaan!

[LAYAAN]

I don't know exactly how it works--but if I understand correctly, you have four attempts to pass (and then more attempts if you complete some coursework first). So try not to stress too much. Hang in there...it sounds like life will settle down soon.

Thanks Marsh. Yes. Its difficult for me to not stress over this exam. I am trying my best to relax, but so far it hasn't worked out for me.

[LAYAAN]

!!!!! Congratulations! I knew you would pass!

When's the law exam?

Thanks ballerinababe. Jan 12th.

[LAYAAN]

Great news!!!! Congrats, Layaan!

Thanks Ellie.

[LAYAAN]

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Annie.

[LAYAAN]

It seems that I will be again driving to my University every day to study. The renter has lost the contract work... again. (I'm so sick of this, already.) I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and not doing a good job at it.

I'm busy with my studies. I have a string of exams (will write about it soon) and I have to work to keep making my credit card and car payments. And then there is this renter who is always free and has no stress what-so-ever. I have not seen a man so relaxed. Either he has things figured out or he just doesn't care. May be he knows that my husband is committed to supporting him for life and that's why he is so relaxed.

I don't count on my husband for the same support. I'm not sure that I can. I live in constant fear that if I opened my mouth and asked my husband to get this guy out, he might say, "This is my home. He is my friend. I want my friend to be here. You are free to go if this arrangement doesn't work for you." He is very well aware that I'm in a particularly bad situation financially and visa-wise and I can't leave him. I tell myself everyday, many times that the way out of this is to be financially independent and strong and for that I need to focus on studies and pass the exam and not pay attention to anything else. I'm learning how hard it is to compartmentalize and manage emotions.

 

About the string of exams - I have chosen to transfer my national exam scores to a couple of other states. The reason is that I'm not sure that I will pass the state exam in 1st attempt. And I really don't want to stay at this store making $11/hour in current position. If I can take the law exam for another state, I can work there and make more money and keep studying for this state's law exam. So I have to study for that state's law exam in case I fail this state's law exam. I hope I don't have to, but we will know by Feb end, if I need to do that.

Now I'm studying and I am praying everyday, as well, that I clear this state's exam in 1st attempt.

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday, I had an awkward conversation with my husband.

So, it is clear now that we don't get along on at least 2 matters - 1) getting a dog or 2 dogs 2) letting the renter stay here.

There seems to be another aspect to this issue - I am a cat person. Even before getting married, I let my husband know that I don't want to have a dog because I am not looking to shoulder a responsibility. Dogs take a lot of work and he wants to get a puppy since his cat is old and doesn't get along with most animals. Either they chase her or she chases them. I have consistently told my husband that he can get whatever animals he wants but he shouldn't expect me to take care of them. I'm really not interested in giving bath to a dog, taking the dog for a walk, being around the house so the dog doesn't feel alone. Once I get a job, I really want to relax. Take up a couple of hobbies and travel. Yesterday, he said,"We will let the renter take care of the dog. He doesn't look after the cat now because he is not a cat person. He is a dog person and he will certainly look after the dog." So, now, if I want to get the renter out, I have no choice to say yes to getting and looking after a dog. So, it seems like somewhere around Apr end is when my husband is thinking of getting a dog.

I told him I am not fond of sharing the house with someone and I do not feel comfortable sleeping with him when he is around.

It is increasingly becoming hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I was hoping to keep quiet as we need to send papers for my immigration by Oct end.

I don't have much money left, but I guess I need to get in touch with my previous lawyer and I am also going to a marriage counselor to see if they would suggest something that can save this situation.

A few days ago I had an argument with my husband because he wanted to leave me alone at home and go watch a movie with this renter. I told him "You have already been away for 14 days and now he wants to take you away? I stayed home because you will be home for 4 days. You know what? We should just do our own thing and live independent, parallel lives. I just want to let you know that I feel unstable in this marriage with you. Everyone else and everything else is a priority except me." Then I started crying and he said that I shouldn't worry because he wants to stay married to me and is proud of his marriage with me.

Why is it that when I'm trying to move ahead in life, something has to pull me back?

I want to focus on my studies, but I can't.

[annie24]

What the heck - he's going on movie dates with the renter instead of his wife? And he thinks the renter will take care of the dog when he does t even take care of the cat?!? Your husband needs to start acting like your husband and not the renters father.

[LAYAAN]

What the heck - he's going on movie dates with the renter instead of his wife? And he thinks the renter will take care of the dog when he doesn't even take care of the cat?!? Your husband needs to start acting like your husband and not the renters father.

So, his response to the movie date with the renter was - "Oh, It didn't occur to me that you were working full-day Thursday and I could go then."

Annie, the problem is that I'm different from my husband in that I don't watch a lot of movies. I don't eat out much because I'm a vegetarian and I have IBS, so I try to watch my food so that my IBS doesn't flare up. These days, I'm either at work or studying. Don't have much of personal life because I don't have much money either. I am barely making my credit card payments without getting into debt. The books and the review courses I have signed up for took a couple thousand dollars already. I put it on my credit card. I took some exam in early Nov at work and passed it so, the manager said that my pay would increase by $3/hour. So, that would help me pay my credit card and hopefully pay my husband for the car's insurance.

 

My husband's response to the renter taking care of the dog was - He is not a cat person. He is a dog person. He will take care of the dog, but not the cat. I don't think so. He doesn't go anywhere near the cat's litter box and my husband thinks that he is going to actually take the dog potty? This guy doesn't get off the couch for days and my husband thinks that he is going to take the dog for a walk?

 

I've scheduled an appointment with a local marriage counselor. Not sure how many sessions I can have, because money is tight. I know that my husband won't accompany me.

[Ellie2006]

L, how do you feel about your husband?

Other than the dog issue and the renter issue, do you think you and he are a good match?

 

From the post above, it almost sounds as though your life styles and goals and values may be quite different? (Sorry if I misunderstood ...)

 

Anyways, sometimes I feel as though your husband is (consciously? unconsciously?) taking advantage of your visa situation, like he's dangling the proverbial green card before you to make you behave in a way that's amenable to him.

 

When will your visa situation become more stable, do you think?

 

I am all for picking one's battles, but you almost appear too anxious to speak to your husband about things that need be addressed (several times, if necessary, until they are resolved) because you're fearful of what may happen if he tells you to leave. And, to say the least, that's just so wrong

 

Were you able to schedule an appointment with the marriage counselor?

[LAYAAN]

Ellie,

Yes, I went to see the marriage counselor on Wed. I wanted to see the male counselor because 1) they are third party, neutral professional people who may have more insight into our marriage than our friends/family and are not tempted to take sides. 2) he is a man, so my husband wont' be able to say "look he is emotional, irrational, hormonal if that was a woman counselor.

 

So, this is what the counselor said -

- Your concerns are rational. The renter is wrong in his behavior and he needs to go. No questions about that.

- Apart from the renter situation, I see that you really are trying to connect with your husband and he doesn't seem to be willing to do so. You have to let him know that you are interested in building a happy, strong marriage with him and you are inviting him to connect with you. And if he doesn't respond, it is on him.

- You are studying, he is going to start a training program and is traveling out of state for work assignment, you two are already struggling to find time to spend together. Whatever little bit of time you two get with each other should be uninterrupted (by the renter). Marriage can be difficult even when couples have time for each other. In your case, you both are trying to move forward professionally and that is demanding your time. So, you need to actively try to spend time with each other. As long as this renter is around, you two will not be able to connect with each other (his words).

- Your husband needs to understand that its a matter of months before you become financially independent and if he is not able to connect with you in a meaningful manner in this marriage, he is risking his marriage with you. And no matter who he gets married to next, she will still have trouble with accepting the same living arrangement and that will again result in argument. So, his best chances are to work it out with you. You are a relational woman. So, if you are not happy in a marriage, I don't see you putting up with it for too long. I see that you will leave. And I have known you for last 50 minutes. If your husband is observant, he should have noticed this too.

[LAYAAN]

On Saturday evening, our common friend (I met my husband through her) had a birthday celebration. The renter, as usual, got into my husband's car and went to her party. He didn't carry any gift for her (She took me out for lunch to celebrate my passing the exam. She invited the renter as well. He tried to pay her some money for lunch. So, she said "Don't pay me for lunch. We are celebrating L's success. Instead, you can buy me a nice gift for my birthday." I told her later, you should have accepted what he was offering you then. You know that you are going to get no gift from him.)

That evening, our common friend suggested that she and her husband are willing to take the renter house-hunting so we can have the house to ourselves.

His response "But you have 2 extra bedrooms. What do you plan on doing with those? And I stay in my room all day anyway. (So, what is it to you if I stayed there in your house?)"

My husband tried to say something in response to that. I don't exactly remember, like "we want to build an adult swing in your room." or something.

Our common friend intervened "IT is their house. They are newly married. Let them live peacefully. Let them decorate their house the way they want to. Let them build an adult swing in every room. It is none of your business."

His response "Oh, so where am I going to go? I guess, I will have to move back in with my parents."

 

Later in the evening, my husband and I wanted to leave because both of us were tired. The renter wanted to leave, too. So, I said to him "You can stay since you all are talking. You can come home with the other friend." He said no.

Finally, our common friend intervened and said "they are newly married. Give them some time to spend with each other."

Renter "But both of them are already tired, so they are going to bed anyway."

I got mad "What is it to you if I go to bed at 8PM or 8AM with my husband?"

[LAYAAN]

On Sunday, the renter wanted to get up early in the morning and drive 3 hours to a different town to go have steak with his friend. My husband declined and said that he wants to spend time with me so he wont' be going. (I really appreciate that. I told him that.) Due to bad weather I got home late from work and by that time the renter was already home (because apparantly he went there and found out that they closed the restaurant business). I said to my husband, "You see... there goes our plan to have sex."

 

So, my father-in-law called a couple of days ago to invite us for dinner. I politely said no. My husband was very supportive. He took the phone to the other room and said to my father-in-law, "My wife and I are trying to spend some time with each other before I go away for most of December. So, we won't be able to go. But I'm sure the renter will be happy to go."

My father-in-law said "I understand. Have fun you two. Send the renter over."

The renter said "No, since they are not going, I won't be going, too."

 

A couple of days ago, I went to watch the new movie "Allied" with my husband. I told him straight up "Can just both of us go and spend time with each other?"

Thankfully, he agreed. We watched the movie and had dinner, got groceries and came home. I told him that I appreciate that he managed to spend time with me.

 

We will be going for beer with someone on Tuesday. (I don't drink. I am just going to join them for food).

I plan on going to enjoy some Xmas decorations with him too, if I can get the tickets.

 

I'm trying to be proactive, but this is really not my nature.

[LAYAAN]

Forgot to mention this before -

I told my counselor what the renter said to our common friend about us having 2 extra bedrooms, blah, blah...

The counselor shook his head and said "The renter is looking at this frome purely his perspective. Oh, they have 2 extra bedrooms. I can live there for free. May be throw a check for $400 once a year and that's it. You need to look at it from your perspective. Your marriage comes first than having 2 extra empty bedrooms in your house and you are not getting a steady rent for that room from the renter, anyway. So, he definitely seems to have taken your husband for granted (unless your husband told him not to pay the rent for the room)"

[LAYAAN]

We didn't have a good thanksgiving.

We were supposed to go to my husband's extended family's place for thanksgiving. My father-in-law called early in the AM and said that he was down with stomach flu so he had no energy to drive. I was in bed from the evening before due to bad nausea and headache, but was just pushing myself to go. My husband had to go back to work immediately the next day so he was not in favor of driving home from work, going for thanksgiving, and then coming home and driving back 2 hours to work. So, he came straight home from work. I had cooked nothing because we were going to go for thanskgiving dinner.

I let the renter know that none of us are going for thanksgiving dinner because we are too tired to drive and husband's schedule doesn't allow him to drive to and fro.

But he didn't offer to drive any of us, not even my husband.

On top, he said "May be you can cook something home"

I looked at him with utter disgust and said "Really? Will you finish my studies for me then?"

Even my husband didn't ask me to cook and this guy has the audacity to suggest me to cook? Why didn't you offer to cook, instead? Why didn't you offer to bring us food from outside (my husband managed to get some sweets for all of us)? Why didn't you call father-in-law to ask how he was doing and if he needed something (you don't mind going to his place X1/month for free dinner)? Are you here just to take, take and give nothing in return?

[annie24]

This renter is a boor and needs to grow up!! I'm glad you went to the counselor alone. Hopefully hubby will join you next time. I know you are not in a great position now, but once you pass your exam (and you will!!!) then you will be in a better position to decide to stay or separate, if things are not improving. Hopefully hubby wakes up and decides his wife is more important than a non-paying renter (mooch!) Hugs, hang in there. I wish you strength in these next few months.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie,

I feel like I'm again in a similar situation as I was in May 2012 before I left this country.

I went to see the counselor because I wanted to get an impartial view on my marriage situation. I wanted a professional to tell me that I am not crazy or I am not imagining things.

What I struggle to understand is - why is my husband putting up with this? Why is my husband defending his behavior? Is this guy's company better than having to sit home alone when I'm not home?

Because of this guy and because of how my husband reacts to his behavior I constantly feel like the moment I took a strong stand against this man's staying here, my marriage would be over. I live in that fear everyday and how long can one live in a fear like this? My mother has asked me to ask my husband straight up if I should stay in this marriage or go and she said that if he asks you to tolerate this behavior, you should pack your bags and come back. Don't try to stay there in an unhappy marriage situation. She said that my keeping my mouth shut won't make him want me more. I told her that if I left now, I will lose everything. So, I'm hanging on.

I can't open my mouth about anything (in an audible way), because God-forbid if my opinion goes against this guy's opinion, then he either yells out his opinion from his room or comes down to the living room to tell me how wrong I'm. I can't discuss anything with my husband because of this man. No wonder this man feels that he is a king here because we are tolerating his behavior.

[annie24]

I don't know either Layaan - This is why it is good to go to a counselor, he can help you figure out a way to deal with your husband on this issue. Maybe the counselor can figure out a way to word it so it goes through your husband's brain. I don't know if this is some kind of loyalty. Many people would have a hard time kicking out their own family, and it sounds like this guy is like a brother to him. But really, this guy, for his own good, needs to grow up and learn how to be a responsible adult (get and keep a job, pay rent, make his own dinner, etc...) It's not as if he has some disability and cannot work. At some point, your husband needs to get that his loyalty should now lie with you, his wife, not the "renter"/lazy fake brother.

[annie24]

When is your next exam? If all goes well, when would you get your first "big paycheck" job?

[LAYAAN]

This renter is a boor and needs to grow up!! I'm glad you went to the counselor alone. Hopefully hubby will join you next time. I know you are not in a great position now, but once you pass your exam (and you will!!!) then you will be in a better position to decide to stay or separate, if things are not improving. Hopefully hubby wakes up and decides his wife is more important than a non-paying renter (mooch!) Hugs, hang in there. I wish you strength in these next few months.

Thanks. I need that. I have been very disturbed today. Felt a lot of anxiety about my marriage and visa. I need strength and lots of prayers. Its hard to focus on something when you are in an uncertain situation.

I told the counselor that my life so far feels like just a series of struggle and I'm ready to throw in the towel.

[annie24]

keep your eyes on the prize - passing the exam and getting the visa. In that time, your husband has the option to kick the renter out and show he will work on the marriage, or keep the status quo. If/when you get that first big job, then you can move out if things haven't improved.

[LAYAAN]

When is your next exam? If all goes well, when would you get your first "big paycheck" job?

Jan 12th.

It will be still 2 months from that, dear. The state where I live, we only get the results by snail mail. That takes 1 month. Then I have to apply for license. God knows how long that takes.