Male input needed desperately!!!!!

[bloo4u]

I was seeing a guy 4 and a half years ago. We went separate ways and lost touch. I then found out I was pregnant. I told him that we didn't have to be together for that reason alone. He agreed (and probably relieved) we lost touch for 2 years. We ran into each other and he expressed a desire to meet our daughter. While they were getting aquainted we seemed to connect and become close friends. Eventually, we decided to try a relationship. Time passed and he wanted us to move in with him. I was hesitant to get too close at first, but he was very understanding and convincing that if I opened up completely and allowed myself to truly be in love then he wouldn't hurt me. I learned how to trust and we had an incredible relationship (and family) together. Then slowly things started coming up that appeared he had been keeping from me. I would simply ask him and he would explain that he wasn't witholding things intentionally. I accepted that. Then he started shutting me out. I waited for it to blow over, patiently. And while completely off guard, I caught him lying to me. Then again and again. I was shocked because of believing we could tell each other anything, afterall we had (or so I thought) up to that point. He stopped being affectionate at all, except for sex. And after, I felt like I would get the cold shoulder again. When I asked him if he thought anything was different, he would just snap at me and say that I needed to accept us just "being" together. So I tried to adjust again! Eventually, we stopped communicating all together. Now, I can be in the same room and he won't even acknowledge my existence (even if I attempt to interact). Now he has long conversations with his female friends mostly about what going on with him, and I'm totally in the dark. I tried to leave and move on and he stops me. He is perfectly content with the cohabitation without emotion, it seems.

My ? is....what is the purpose of working so hard to get me to open up to him just to shut me out? I am left feeling like he put alot of effort into painting a picture for me to enjoy and then destroy it to hurt me? I need to get some ideas of what could be the reasoning. My opinion is the whole thing is TWISTED!!!!

[razer]

i hate to agree, but i think you deserve better, he doesnt wanst to be in a relationship with you, i think he just wishes to posess you and have you there as some kind of trophy or someone to look after him, is that what you want?

 

im not asking you do act on anything because of my post, only making my viewpoint clear

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Sorry about your situation. I had some concerns with this guy. Like you said in your own way, after you became pregnant you mentioned relieved. I would have a hard time being a mother of a small child, my child or any child. And not getting any support. If the guy was not paying you any money before you moved in. So now he wants you to move in. Two things may be happening in his head, maybe three. #1 If he does not pay you any money, this could be his sick way of relieving his own guilt by letting you move in. #2 He gets to see his child #3 He gets to control you. I hate to say it, but it sounds pretty twisted. What you have to do is ask yourself if you are happy. If you are not happy, you have to find a way to get out or there. You don't need to be under someones thumb who treats you like crap. I would have to go. And I might suggest you consider the courts to help you get some child support. Kids today for anyone cost money, and he should share in the burden. Think about your own mental well being and what it is doing to you. Think about you because he sure is only thinking about himself.

 

Good Luck

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[Hopingpraying]

Bloo,

 

You current situation is unfortunate, I hate to hear when there is a child involved which is why I would suggest the following advice.... Us men are thickheaded and sometimes a little slow on the uptake. It takes us awhile to get what your saying even though you are using plain english.

So all I would ask that you do is make sure you spell out what you want from him. Make sure he is clear that you are not happy. If as soon as you bring up issues he gets deffensive and won't listen, write him a letter. If you try this approach a few times and he still doesn't get it I would say it is time to move on.

While what happened with me and my wife is definitely different, I would say we could of had a much different outcome if she would of spelled it out in no uncertain terms. I was going along fat, dumb, and happy even though she was letting me know there were things she was unhappy about. By the time I "GOT IT" it was too late. She had already made up her mind that I was not going to change. I am here to tell you that now that I have "GOTTEN IT" I have changed, changed for the better. Whether this will be enough for her doesn't really matter to me anymore. I am doing it for myself and my daughter, not her anymore. I can't control what she does, I can only control what I do.

 

Anyways, I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I am not saying give him unlimited chances, just a few more.

[mahlina]

Bloo4u,

 

I had to respond to your post. I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Before I gave advice, I read over a couple of your previous posts, to gain insight as to what's going on with your situation. After reading your posts, I felt like I can relate to you, in terms of your current situation with your boyfriend. He sounds just like my ex. If you don't mind, here are a few quotes that I pulled from your previous repsonses. What I noticed is, you've already given him enough chances. My heart really goes out for you, and your children.

 

I can't take the immaturity, he plays a Dr.Jekyl and Mr. Hyde act on me and starts being loving, caring, and sincere. I get so confused! I call it the "coming or going disorder".

plays this stupid little game like we are children...the problem is, we are 24 with 2 kids. You'd think game-time would be left for the kids. Anyway, he will treat me like complete garbage with no warning for no apparent reason when I've been nice and thoughtful, etc.

I found that I can enjoy my childhood with my babies since that was stolen from me.

 

Sorry, I could not help it to respond. I don't know if you realize this, but you've done more than enough for him. He has not changed. He probably never will. I hate to say this, but perhaps every time you forgive him, you unknowingly 'reward' him for mistreating you. I know that you have good intentions, but if he feels like he can mistreat you and get away with it once, then he'll do it again. This pattern will not stop, unless you break it. Sadly, you've already done this once before, when you ran away from the relationship, after finding out that you were pregnant. Did he learn? Did he realize who he lost in that process?

 

He gained 2 children. Now he has you back. And, what does he do? He messes up your kids life, your life, and maybe, not even, his. He's selfish! He's not taking into consideration of you or your children. I see that you are an excellent mother. If you feel like you've lost your childhood, then just know that I'm in the same boat as you. It's not fair that we had to grow up at an early age. Perhaps, your case is different from mine, but from what I can see is that you're still hurting. Not only from this relationship, but whatever's happened to you in the past. Perhaps, your bond with your boyfriend is something that's related to your past, and is one of your way of coping your 'repressed' or unresolved emotions.

 

Whatever it is, you deserve better. I am sure that you are a beautiful woman. You do not need to depend on him. I see that you're such a strong and loving mother. That's quite admirable for what he's putting you through! What I see is:

1. He's neglecting you emotionally. I think it's severe enough to consider his behavior as 'emotional abuse.'

2. He's consistently lying to you. (I read this from your Fort Knox Phone Post, my ex did the same.)

3. He's playing with your emotions.

4. He's a player.

5. He's not a good father.

6. He's a big kid. Completely immature for putting your emotions on hold.

7. He does not offer you the support that you and your children need/deserve.

 

After reading your post, I was relieved by the fact that my situation didn't end up like yours. Now you have children to consider. You're giving so much of yourself, and receiving nothing in the end. He doesn't give you anything in return. Your relationship sounds similar to what I had with my ex (just not counting kids). Just be careful that your situation doesn't end up in violence like mine.

 

If he ever pushes you once, then that's enough. If he ever does this, walk out. Your kids do not need to witness abuse of any matter. A simple shove can escalate to further violence. Believe me. I hope that he's not physically abusive towards you. Just be careful. Those little incidents, do add up. About the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde statement about his personality, my ex did the same. You know what? I think that it's his way of denying his own faults. One minute he's nice to you, and offers the best romance of your life, and the next minute he leaves you crying in neglect! I think that when he's being 'nice' to you, and 'romancing' you, he's just offering short-term, phony-love. That's just how I see it. My ex did the same. I think that it's their way of covering up for their lies. It's their justification for mistreating us:

1. Okay, one minute I'll decide to be nice to her. Then the next minute, I'll act cold to her.

2. If she acts up, then I find reasons to justify my 'behavior' in cheating on her.

 

He's playing games. He's putting guilt on you, by imposing on you with his 'childish' behavior. He knows that you'll be there for him no matter what. He knows that you'll take it. It's too much of a 'convenient' situation for him. This guy has 'issues' that he needs to take care of. I'm sorry to say this, but I have a guy friend who went through the same as what your kids are going through, all except, his mother was kinda messed up for bouncing off one man after another. Now he's mentally torn. All he does is drinks. His mom is still at home. She found new men, and unfortunately, the 'cycle' repeats itself. It's like a 'never-ending' paradox for her. What I am trying to say is, try to think about the long term affects that this will do for you and your kids.

 

Are you in school? I hope that you are. Perhaps you can go to school. Find something that you're interested in. Get your Bachelor's degree, at least. I see that you are quite a 'mature' and 'emotionally-independent' lady. The only thing that you need for yourself is to be 'financially-independent.' You do not need to rely on him for anything, whatsoever! I see that you are also an intelligent lady. You're still young. I think that it's best for you to get back on your feet, and leave this guy. His mistreatment towards you will have an affect on your children. I hope that your daughter doesn't learn to pick up the behavior of her father, and internalize it as something 'normal.' Because no woman, should feel as though emotional neglect is okay. And remember. Just be careful that his behavior does not escalate into violence. My ex did. It was his way of putting guilt on me, by hitting me. Of course, like your ex and the Fort Knox 'guarding the cell phone behavior,' he was dishonest, and played with my heart. When I finally caught up to it, I was like you. Tried not to create waves. Well guess what? It's emotionally tearing me up inside, knowing what he did to me. thereforeeee, I can empathize what how you feel right now!

 

Nothing hurts more, than to see what you're going through. The torment that he's putting you through right now, is completely 'emotional abuse.' I know how it feels day in and day out. Yet, we choose to be so committed, so supportive, but in the end, they walk out on us, only to hurt us!

 

This might sound blunt, but that's probably what you need to hear right now:

"If you're waiting for him to change, just because he has kids, then he won't." He will never change, unless if he has a reason to. That means that you living with him, pampering him for mistreating you, will only reinforce his selfish behavior on you. He'll keep on doing it, so long as he knows that you'll forgive him, and let him get away with it. The more you hold on, the more he will justify his actions. He will never learn, with you being there for him.

 

My Best Advice:

1. Leave him. Let him learn on his own. I doubt he will. He sounds too arrogant to do so.

2. Go back to school. Finish on a career. Find your own independence. Once you've achieved your own 'personal' gains, without him, you will feel like nothing will stop you in life. You will find your self worth. You do not need to trap yourself with his 'selfish' emotions.

3. Perhaps move back in with your parents (if they're still alive). Move in with a family member, so that you'll have support from them, and also have time to 're-focus' on your life.

 

You've gone waay too far to focus on a 'loser' like him. Yeah. I'm not ashamed to say that either! It's true! He's doesn't have anything going for him. You are much stronger than him. Staying with him any longer, will be like killing yourself slowly. I realized that the longer I stayed with my ex, the more I felt like I lost my identity, because I gave my all to him. Just like you. You are such a strong and beautiful person, for pulling through for yourself, and your children. If anything, I wish that men like him could go to jail. It's a crime for mistreating you the way that he does. He's COLD! A person like him will never change (unless if he gets into a 'car accident and becomes a quadriplegic for life. You would hope that in that case, he'd changed. I think that people change most when they're in a time of misery, but they jump back to being themselves again, once they mend their pain.) This guy truly is a meathead. He has no regards for your relationship, and it's effects on your children. They are precious. In fact, your children will probably mature faster them him, in a matter of 5 years. His thinking is completely absurd, and disgusting. I'm sorry. I just got really emotional after reading this. It brought back a lot of memories of how my ex treated me.

 

We should stop being accommodating to this behavior, and learn how to be strong and on our own. We should realize that, if a person brings us to a higher level in life, then that's the person that we should keep, someone who helps us to strive forward, not backwards. Otherwise, they're just a burden on our emotions, and our well-being. I sincerely hope that you will realize this for yourself. You already have something good going in your life:

1. A healthy mind.

2. Two beautiful children.

3. Your youth.

 

Nothing's stopping you from achieving to find that 'inner-happiness'. I learned that your life is what you make of it. I learned this at an early age from the things that I went through, and cannot stress it anymore. Try not to rely on him for your happiness. He's killing your self-worth. Do not let him destroy your integrity. He's just pig, who needs to roll into his own mud. I wish guys like him can just get buried into kitty litter! I'm sorry. He just reminds me so much of my ex, it's not even funny. I truly hope that you will find strength in yourself, to sever your life away from his. You'll find better, and you know it, because I see it! I hope that this helps!

 

Much Respect to ya!

Mahlina

 

P.S.- Hang in there. Perhaps, you can get support by your local church. I know that some churches have some great seminar programs. I hope that you'll do whatever it takes to cut yourself away from this guy. Your happiness is within you, and it's up to you to dig deep enough to find it. I know you will. Take Care!