Question for Women: Do you feel overwhelmed by your SO's sexual expectations?

[ResonanceTheory]

I know I'm going to get a lot of mixed opinions on this but I am putting this out there because it is also a vent for me. I know that sex is an important part of many people's lives, and I acknowledge that, so please don't bash me for how I feel.

 

I just feel tired of sex. After 3 years of a relationship, I don't feel crazy about having sex anymore. It's frustrating when my boyfriend expects me to be all wild about his penis and want to go down on him all the time. I don't have the desire or motivation. I can orgasm, sex does feel good...but for some reason, I just have no desire to do it. I can only compare it to something like eating chocolate...chocolate is tasty but very rarely do I go out of my way to procure it.

 

If I was in a different relationship, would I feel differently? Possibly, at first. But after a while, it just gets boring.

 

I'm really happy about my relationship, I enjoy my partner and am attracted to him...I just couldn't give a spit about sex.

 

I know my boyfriend watches all kinds of porn and wants me to do all that crazy stuff like I used to. I just feel like it's unrealistic.

 

He's being nice about it now, but I wonder how long it'll take him to get really upset about the lack of sex in our relationship. Because I can totally understand how frustrating it must be for him, to be with someone who has no desire to have sex. He got injured recently and it was almost a relief to have another reason not to want to have sex. I do feel guilty about it, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to feel more sexual. The only other option I have considered is going off birth control...which seems ironic.

[LBP]

I totally understand where you're coming from. Sex is, of course, an important part of a relationship; however, the act of it takes meaning in the ebbs and flows of a relationship. As you've said, sex with another man may prove enjoyable, different, but it would still end up in the same space after a given number of sessions. The question is, what comes after that? All human beings lose their sex drive; consequently, true love must constitute something other than its physical expression... In other words, when does the tide come back in?

 

Of course, that begs the question: what is 'true love', anyway?

[blinx]

Everyone's libido is different. And sometimes I think birth control can affect it because it's basically hormones. However, PLEASE don't go off BC unless you're ready to deal with possible consequence (getting preggers).

 

Does it bother you that he watches porn? Maybe you could consider watching with him and letting him masturbate in front of you or something, if you just don't feel like taking part. This way you're still kind of involved, but not doing anything.

 

Some months I really don't feel like having sex. So you're not the only one out there feeling that way.

 

Do you want to want sex more often? I've read before that the reason guys want sex so much is because they think about it all the time. And if you think about it all the time, then you start to want it. I've read before that you could try to increase your libido by thinking about sex during the day, like while you're at work. Then when you see your bf you are more likely to want to have sex with him. Worth a try.

 

If you are worried about your libido, I'd talk to a doctor, though. If you're fine with the way you are and just want your bf to quit wanting it so often, then I'd have a honest discussion with him and see what he thinks.

[InBruges]

I know my boyfriend watches all kinds of porn and wants me to do all that crazy stuff like I used to. I just feel like it's unrealistic.

 

I think that can be a major problem in relationships. The mind is like the body in a sense that its condition and well-being have a lot to do with the "food" it takes in. If someone is always putting sexual imagery into their mind, then their mind's eye will bend towards lust. Many would disagree with me because many people do love their porn, but I've never thought it was a healthy thing.

 

In any case, it's probably next to a feat of Atlas to get a guy to stop watching that stuff. But maybe you have some power of persuasion. I honestly think if he stopped, you'd both be a lot happier.

 

I really don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think sex has just become too objectified by your S.O. to have any real pull with you. Real sexual desire should be the result of something - of some shared event that you both experience or of some romantic gesture or effort your partner makes towards you. If it becomes just an expectation as if it's your womanly duty, it's not surprising you'd lose interest.

 

My best advice... try to get him off porn.

[quirky]

I can't have an experienced opinion because my longest relationship was 2 years so I don't know what it's like after that. But in those 2 years of living with my partner I never felt overwhelmed with sex because appart from the fact it's hot and bonds me with my partner, it also helps me relax.

[doyathink]

Try 10 years of eating the same steak everyday. You start looking into being a vegetarian after that amount of time.

[EQD]

1) his expectations might be turning you off of sex.. which is why you feel indifferent

2) you could feel like when you meet his idea of what you are supposed to be doing that you are pulling the weight in the sack so to speak... also not and incentive to get randy

3) communication lacks in other aspects of your relationship

4) birth control or other medication.

5) he isnt mixing it up for you and keeping you interested. After 3 years yes it gets hard, but make suggestions.

6) i lost my train of thought...

 

all those could be reasons.

 

oh..

7) work, job, stress, life.

[russ978]

I know you specified the question to women but it can also go both ways.

 

My current girlfriend is less experienced than me and knows about what I've done in the past. Sometimes, it seems like she expects me to 'take her to new territory' on a regular basis but for the mostpart, sex is sex. Sex is great, but it is just sex.

 

Sometimes, I'm just not in a sexual mood and while she 'understands'...there has been more than one occasion where I get accused of 'turning her down while she's throwing herself at me...'

 

Are you more experienced than your boyfriend?

Do you think that some of his insecurity comes from the line of thought 'she did it with them but not me so she must not like me as much'?

[vicious-cycle]

Perhaps his approach is lacking. You may need to examine your needs and figure out what you might be missing: why were you hot to trot earlier in the relationship? Perhaps he has a more complimentary, gentle and gradual approach to setting the mood in the "honeymoon" of the relationship (candles, soft kisses throughout the day, back rubs) and his effort has waned over time (now maybe he drops his pants and says, "Well? Get to it!")

 

On the other hand, it doesn't sound like he's suddenly making you do things that were outside of your comfort level in your past. If you never gave him oral sex before and suddenly saw it in a movie and demanded it, it would be a completely different story. And if he's giving you as much effort as he did in the early days, then it's not unreasonable than he expect some of the same effort in return. I speak from personal experience here: when one partner is doing all they can in the sack and the other is just along for the ride, it can be terribly frustrating and put a great strain on the relationship.

[Catdancer]

hmmm...I think that sex in relationships ebbs and flows just like the relationships itself does. My partner and I had sex sometimes 10 and 11 times a day when we first got together. I think we were trying to kill each other with sex, lol. Then it slacked off some because we just couldnt keep it at that pace. Then we got pregnant and I moved in with him. The sex stayed about the same and then it we did it a little more because I was horny all the time. Now, we're got his daughter, the baby, family members stopping in and it's hard to carve out the alone time. But we do. I actually moved out with our son a couple of months ago and my bf and I have been trying to work out our problems, and even though I moved out we still have a pretty consistant sex life when we arent fighting. lol

 

See, it changes as we go along. My partner often remarks that he misses all the freaky stuff we used to do. So on occasion I'll throw on the naughty nurse outfit and stimulate his prostate! LOL He loves this! At times I have felt a little blah about sex too. We get so caught up in the everyday stuff that we lose our desire for it. Actually all it takes is some really good sex to get you wanting more. Its true that the more sex you have the more you want. So, when you are feeling blah, make yourself put that aside and surprise your man. When he's watching TV, unzip him and give him a blow job. That will blow his mind in more than one way. You should WANT to please your partner. And providing the intimacy and sharing of pleasure that sex entails is very important for partners. You need to feel connected and wanted, otherwise you lose confidence in the relationship.

[penelope13]

Is it possible that there is something else in your relationship that is troubling you and the lack of sexual desire is only its expression? I remember you made a post that there are some things that are important to you, but that you can't share with your partner, because he doesn't share the same passion for art as you do.

 

Maybe you haven't found a way yet how to cope with this and thus you are not willing (subconsciously) to share something with him that is important to him.

 

Maybe you could combine these two different things: bring some colors and use your bf as a canvas, that might light the spark again for you and that might be a way to get him more interested in the arts.

[ResonanceTheory]

I totally understand where you're coming from. Sex is, of course, an important part of a relationship; however, the act of it takes meaning in the ebbs and flows of a relationship. As you've said, sex with another man may prove enjoyable, different, but it would still end up in the same space after a given number of sessions. The question is, what comes after that? All human beings lose their sex drive; consequently, true love must constitute something other than its physical expression... In other words, when does the tide come back in?

 

Of course, that begs the question: what is 'true love', anyway?

 

I understand what you're saying. My love for my boyfriend has nothing to do with sex. I love him very deeply, and I don't think that me not feeling the desire to have sex has anything to do with a change about how I feel for him.

 

My love for my boyfriend, however, does have to do with the guilt I'm feeling about not having a sex drive. I love him, and I want him to be happy. And I know he won't be happy without sex. He's a young guy and I can't just expect him to turn it off. Our relationship is strong but sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish...that I should let him go and find someone who can maintain a higher libido. But our relationship is so good in other aspects and I'm really happy--we both are. To let him go would be like ripping my own heart out.

[bertdru]

So if you both are happy, what is the problem? Why the guilt?

[ResonanceTheory]

Everyone's libido is different. And sometimes I think birth control can affect it because it's basically hormones. However, PLEASE don't go off BC unless you're ready to deal with possible consequence (getting preggers).

 

I know. That's why I said it was ironic if bc really is what is annihilating my libido. I started taking it so that our sex life could be better, so that we wouldn't have to stress out like we did in the past. I've been on it for about 2.5 yrs. I have a very sensitive ph balance in my nether regions as well...condoms give me yeast infections.

 

If you are worried about your libido, I'd talk to a doctor, though. If you're fine with the way you are and just want your bf to quit wanting it so often, then I'd have a honest discussion with him and see what he thinks.

 

I feel like I'm the weird one here...I mean, he is a 20-something year old guy, it's normal for him to have a high sex drive. I feel like I'm the one that's out of whack. I never would've imagined that I'd be in this position. I used to masturbate a lot, loved sex, thought about it a lot, etc. Now I barely even fantasize. Maybe I should see a doctor...but I don't know what kind. Is it a physical problem, or a mental problem?

[absinthe]

Does he meet your sexual needs, putting focus on your pleasure too? Or is his focus porn driven, where it's all about his pleasure?

[ResonanceTheory]

So if you both are happy, what is the problem? Why the guilt?

 

Because I know he wants to have sex more frequently than I do.

[ResonanceTheory]

Does he meet your sexual needs, putting focus on your pleasure too? Or is his focus porn driven, where it's all about his pleasure?

 

He is a good giver. He does indeed care about me and how I feel. However, this has not always been the case--you can read in some of my previous threads about how he was pressuring me into anal when I didn't want do/tried to tell him how much it hurt me. He just kept pressuring me nonetheless. It was a bad time, and I think it definitely helped lead to the point where we are now, with me not wanting sex at all...he has finally stopped bringing up anal, but the stigma is still in my mind...

 

Plus, it doesn't help that I know he constantly searches "anal" on google, watches anal porn, looks up people discussing anal sex on forums.

 

I guess it contributes to a feeling of inadequacy on my part.

[EQD]

And back to my 7 points....

[ResonanceTheory]

I think this makes a lot of sense. Like I said above, he is ALWAYS searching for anal porn/porn. There's not a day that he goes without it. I don't have a problem with porn, as I generally use it when I masturbate, but I know that he looks at it even when he's not masturbating. For example, last night when he was supposed to be doing hw, I caught him browsing through sex forums (forums where people were talking about anal sex).

 

You're totally right though. It feels like sex is done just for sex now...instead of because we feel passionate about each other, or something else. He does tell me how much my body turns me on, but I guess I just feel objectified, and that's even more of a turn off. A few years ago, I know it would be different--a guy touching my body and telling me how much it turned him on would be a turn on in itself, and would motivate me to do sexual things. But I don't know how to get that feeling of objectification out of my head.

[absinthe]

He is a good giver. He does indeed care about me and how I feel. However, this has not always been the case--you can read in some of my previous threads about how he was pressuring me into anal when I didn't want do/tried to tell him how much it hurt me. He just kept pressuring me nonetheless. It was a bad time, and I think it definitely helped lead to the point where we are now, with me not wanting sex at all...he has finally stopped bringing up anal, but the stigma is still in my mind...

 

Plus, it doesn't help that I know he constantly searches "anal" on google, watches anal porn, looks up people discussing anal sex on forums.

 

I guess it contributes to a feeling of inadequacy on my part.

There's usually a reason why women lose their interest in sex, particularly in their early twenties. Pressure is one of them, whereby pushing someone to do something they're not comfortable doing, removes the relaxed and trusting aspects, necessary to fuel desire. For women, sexual arousal begins in the mind and emotions.

 

It's common sense whereby if experiences are consistently negative in nature, you're not going to want to do them anymore. If you feel like you're not meeting his needs and live with the constant reminder where he's surfing sites/forums, no wonder you don't want to have sex with him anymore. What a turn-off.

[ResonanceTheory]

Try 10 years of eating the same steak everyday. You start looking into being a vegetarian after that amount of time.

 

LMAO! Yeah, I can only imagine.

[ResonanceTheory]

Good suggestions, EQ

[EQD]

so you are even thrown out of whack by the polyeurothane condoms?

those feel mighty nice btw..

 

i'd say a main issue is going to be once again communication and birth control. bc is designed to shut down everything down there. when i was on depo when i finally was able to be aroused--which wasnt often--i was never wet. ever.

*gives birth control the middle finger*

 

ever try spermicide?

[ResonanceTheory]

There's usually a reason why women lose their interest in sex, particularly in their early twenties. Pressure is one of them, whereby pushing someone to do something they're not comfortable doing, removes the relaxed and trusting aspects, necessary to fuel desire. For women, sexual arousal begins in the mind and emotions.

 

It's common sense whereby if experiences are consistently negative in nature, you're not going to want to do them anymore. If you feel like you're not meeting his needs and live with the constant reminder where he's surfing sites/forums, no wonder you don't want to have sex with him anymore. What a turn-off.

 

You are totally right. I just don't know how to get it back! I am looking into couples counseling (it is free at my university). It just seems so strange, because everything else in our relationship has settled in just right, and we are happy. I feel comfortable, safe, loved, at all other times.

[lana111]

ive been bored after years, and not bored after years. i was never bored with the guy i deelpy loved. the one i wasnt head over heels for, i would view it as a chore sometimes.

 

i guess thats the deciding factor for me.