Am I being stupid for thinking we may get back together?

[tiff8434]

Another week has went by with NO CONTACT, I am so worried that he will not call. tomorrow will be two months since thebreak up. I am still madly in love with him and desperatley want him back. I think that he is daitng "casually" and it breaks my heart. I know that know one knows the future but am I being stupid for thinking we may get back together. I really feel that he is the one for me but he just has had alot of school and work stress on him. He is not being himself at all. I am very sad over all of this and want the man I fell in love, back. I know he is still there. Someone please help me!

[Hopingpraying]

Tiff,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, but you nor anyone else can make him do anything he doesn't want too. You need to concentrate more on you and less on him. I know how hard this is to do because I am going through the same things myself. I am getting my act together and making myself a better person, through working out, going to school, and have even been in counseling. The counseling is expensive, and I really cannot afford it, but I don't think I cannot afford it either. It has definitely helped me be stronger.

Use this forum as a free source of counseling. There are a lot of knowledgeable people in here and they have helped me a lot. Although anymore I find myself strong enough to offer advice to those that need help. I have read so many relationship books I consider myself somewhat of an expert.. Probably most wouldn't, including my EX, so take my offerings with a grain of salt, but I would say you need to definitely take care of yourself and not obsess about him. Living in the past does you no good.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Try not counting the days. In kind of a way you are trapping yourself in your own self made prison. If two months have gone by, you need to start somewhere and accept the fact, he miight never come back. I suggest you focus on you for now. Get out, go out, do anything but think about him. Time has a way of making everything ok. I know it is hard, but you have to move on. If you feel you have had no closeure, write a letter and be done with it. If you do write, expect no response. But it may help you by telling him you still care. But don't sit around checking the caller ID on the phone and the mailbox. Sometimes things just don't work out. It is for a reason, even if we can't see the forrect through the trees. Love is blind.

 

Good Luck, I hope you find peace of mind real soon.

 

Warm Regards

 

 

kuhl

 

 

[neallo82288]

You know the saying that a watched pot never boils, well a watched phone never rings. The whole point on no contact is to work on yourself getting basck to where you were before the relationship, but a little smarter from the mistakes made. You need to get out of that house and do things, have fun. Heal and move on with your life. I know you loved him, but things are diffeerent now, you two are not together and you probably won't be for a long time. Get out there and meet new people. The more you wait around your house the more likely you might miss out on the one that is your perfect match. Improve your self and build up confidence in yoursself. Work on the little quiks that we all have. Enjoy life again.

 

Everytime you find yourself thinking of him, go for a run and run till that feeling passes. If running is not your thing then do something that will keep your mind off of him. You are still hurting and that is ok, but you have to focus on yourself and make things better on yourself. Improve your mind and body.

 

Remember that it is not your lose, but his. He missed out on you not you out on him.

 

Neallo

 

I hoped this helped ya a little.

[pip]

I know how you feel, I'm in the same position right now. The way I see it, you have to keep going with 'no contact', for two reasons:

 

1) If he's ever going to come back to you, keeping 'no contact' is the best way to maximise your chances. Read the excellent post on 'no contact' at: link removed

 

That post will give you a boost and make you feel more positive

 

2) Although it hurts now, maintaining 'no contact' is sometimes the best way of healing. If you're anything like me, seeing or hearing from your ex can be traumatic if they behave coldly towards you. Even though you wish you could see him, you know it's probably bad for you because it's a step backwards. So at some point, you have to bite the bullet and just say 'that's it. I'm not going to torture myself anymore. I'm going to get over this'.

 

But as for the 'getting him back', does your ex have a birthday coming up anytime in the next few months? A birthday can be a great opportunity to remind your ex that you're 'still there'. Maintain 'no contact', but do send a simple card or message on their birthday. Don't include any 'I love you so much' junk - he'll freak out. Just keep it friendly and non-threatening

[tiff8434]

He does have a birthday in september. Mine is in July. He still also has my belongings and before no contact started I tried to get them back and keep getting excuses. I am trying to move on but I feel that he is the one for me and I cant get past that. I hate this.

[kipster]

Another week has went by with NO CONTACT, I am so worried that he will not call. tomorrow will be two months since thebreak up. I am still madly in love with him and desperatley want him back. I think that he is daitng "casually" and it breaks my heart... I really feel that he is the one for me but he just has had alot of school and work stress on him. He is not being himself at all. I am very sad over all of this and want the man I fell in love, back. I know he is still there. Someone please help me!

 

 

Hi tiff, I love the quote by neallo of 'a watched pot never boils, well a watched phone never rings...' Oh, so true indeed. I'm in a similar boat tiff but I stopped waiting for the phone to ring. Do I hope and pray it will, yes but I'm not going to force it as I suggest you shouldn't. And although it may sound strange, why don't you start 'casually' dating others especially if you know that your Ex is doing it? I'm not saying fall in love, having sex, etc., just going out with a friend, co-worker, colleague, etc. for lunch. Trust me, even the most secure man would hate to see someone he believes is in his back pocket with the next man, as I'm sure a woman would hate to see as well. Don't know if you've considered it or not, but perhaps you should. I believe that the 'man you fell in love with' is indeed, 'still there' but to the same extent, why then would you try cling on to this alternate version of him that isn't 'the man you fell in love with'? Kind of like supporting and feeding a second personality, when its the first one you want. In my case, my Ex has also appeared to take on a new personality of her own that is vastly different than the sweet and loving personality that I know is hidden under the anger. But I'm certainly not going to fuel that calloused person if its NOT the kind person that I seek. Plus, I think you have to realize that you do not need him to be happy. You only prefer him. For me, realizing that almost immediately removed the hurt that feels like its splitting your heart in two. When you realize and accept this, the pain seems to go away instantaneously.

 

Also, think about what attracted him to you in the beginning? Was he attracted to you because you just threw yourself upon him? Or was he attracted to you because you weren't so easy to catch? Also, was he attracted to a constantly upset and emotional wreck (like you seem to be above), or to a woman that was attractive, confident, and independent that really had more suitors than just him but CHOSE to give him the opportunity? I'd venture to believe its the latter as opposed to the former. So as much as it hurts, don't contact him (you can return calls, but I wouldn't initiate them), hit the gym, do the things you like during this break, don't be jealous if he's dating others (if he is the one as you say he is), and most importantly restore your confidence. I mean what were you doing before you met him? Were you waiting for the phone to ring, or were you enjoying yourself and doing your own thing with confidence? That's what makes you attractive to guys (believe me) so why not get back to that perspective and remain optimistic especially if this is 'the guy for you'?

[debisfun]

My posts are starting to sound like a broken record.... 8)

 

You REALLY need to get and read these books: "Women Who Love Too Much", and "He's Scared, She's Scared". Both of them will help you recognize behaviours in yourself, as well as in you ex that will allow you to grow and move on. Keeping the No Contact Rule is absolutely crucial for your own healing. You need to set boundries and start protecting yourself.

 

I've also heard that "Don't Call That Man" is a good book too. It's next on my list.

 

Looking at your own flaws and problems is very difficult (I know, I've been doing a lot of it lately).

 

Good Luck. We are here for you.

[asia604]

I sent a birthday card recently to my ex, and he didn't appreciate it one bit he just turned it around and me look like the bad guy, he blamed me for alot of things that went wrong in our relationship. I think the no contact thing is the best way to go. Wait for him to come to you, you may be waiting a long time, but he will come when he is good and ready. in the mean time, try to go out with friends and go to the gym or read, I have been trying to do that to get my mind off of things.

[tiff8434]

This is beginning to physically effect me. My chest is tight and I am having trouble breathing. I am starting to feel that I am loosing my touch with reality. I thought I was stronger then this. Am I crazy?

[kipster]

This is beginning to physically effect me. My chest is tight and I am having trouble breathing. I am starting to feel that I am loosing my touch with reality. I thought I was stronger then this. Am I crazy?

 

I wouldn't say you're crazy, but the more you believe you NEED something the more it hurts your heart. Trust me, when you come to the realization that you don't NEED your ex, but only prefer/desire to be with him, it releases that weight off of your chest quickly. Breath deeply and don't let these negative feelings get the best of you. Stop feeling guilty as well. You didn't do anything wrong and many of us are dumped on a daily basis. You also must stop being self-rightous saying, "I would never have done such a thing to him" because that never helps either. And third, stop the self-pity (poor me) and complaining, I know its hard, but you cannot gain perspective until you release these vices from you. I know you still long for him, many of us here do for our EX's as well. But you're not going to get any of them back if you beg, complain, push, or force them to re-consider...Trust me! Can you think of anyone who's got an EX back by doing that? I can't. You have to become strong, think about what made him (or any man for that matter) adore you, and strive to get that back. So work out, go out on casual dates (I'm not saying become romantically involved or have sex), and stop waiting by the phone. It won't ring anytime soon. To be honest, it will ring when you least expect it and probably when you've grown strong enough to the point where not only can you talk to your EX, but to when you realize that you DON'T NEED to be with him/her. That's when you've really gained perspective and can make a decision with your head and stop letting your negative emotions win out. Remember, feelings aren't facts! I could give you a stimulant and put you in a room with a bear and you may interpret the situation as you FEELING scared. I could also put you in a room after giving you a stimulant with a baby and you may interpret that situation as FEELING happy. Two different emotions totally, yet the impetus behind them was the same. Its just a matter of how you LABELED them that made you feel one way or another. STOP, letting your emotions run you and let the gray matter between your ears be in control.

[phx]

tiff8434 - I really don't know what happened in your situation?? Is there anywhere that I can read about your situation??

 

You have to remember that you are strong, and either way things can only get better from here. It sounds like our emotions are a lot alike at this point in time. Each day is a rollercoaster for me. Some days everything is good, and I feel confident in myself, and other days I feel completely lost.

 

I agree that you have to prepare yourself for the worst. You may never get back together. That way if you do, things are that much better. But you don't want to make things harder than they have to be. Plus, you have to give it time, how much time has it been at this point? I truly have believe that it must be in God's time, not mine. And if I make it in my own time, I am probably going to make the situation worse.

 

I hope this is helpful. Let me know what happened between you and your ex.

[tiff8434]

I wish I knew if he missed me or evern thought of me. I think that is the main thing that is driving me mad is not knowing. I am trying to have patients and I am working on my personal self as well. Does anyone have any insight that has been in his shoes? Why the silent treatment, how come it seems that he can completley just forget I ever exsisted when I am sitting at home at night crying. I go out but its the times I lay in bed my emotions and thoughts run wild and I want nothing more then to talk to him. Does anyone think there is hop even after two months and not even speaking right now. I cant thinking love will bring us through but every day that passes my heart grows weaker and weaker.

[alonelychild]

love is the most obnoxious emotion out there...theres no poetic way to put it...it can't be suger coated...so bluntly speaking...love is the most joyful laugh and most painful cry combined...until you dont kno wheither your crying so hard your laughing...or ur laughing so hard your crying... until you dont kno wheither you hate him so much you love him...or love him so much you hate him... to b hurt by someone u care bout...to feel like every limb in your body one big bruise...to hav a shot fired deep in ur chest that not even a bullet proof vest could stop...to feel short of breathe and dizy...to feel like the room and your life are spinning out of control...to b so confused that u dont kno where one dream ends and another nightmare begins...to be driven insane by not knowing...to feel...is normal...it means your human...people deal with this typa confused chaotic stress different ways...some cry...some get angry...some blame themself....some blame everyone but themself...and some lie to themself and cover all there emotions, refusing to admit that they too feel... ... ... love doesn't come around all the time....n there are few ppl worth your tears...n the ones there r wont make you cry....think about it... if you are in love with him...its ment to be...then be patient with everything unresolved in your heart...dont force answers to unanswered questions... n remember...you will meet a prince charming who might not ride you off into the sunset on his white horse reciting love sonnets...but who will be good to you...who will treat you how you deserve to be treated...who will never make you question was it something i did?...who will never cause you to make excuses for his poor behavior...who will treat you like a princess...n dont think for a second you deserve less...no advice can help you...im sry but its tru...its reality that you must face...nothing i nor anybody else can make everything truly okay and ease all of your restless troubles...only you can...so let go of desperate search for a solution...cause its not gona come to u wraped up in a pretty lil package on ur door step...u gota make it happen...if ur in love with em...whats stopping you besides him being a stressed out dumbass? ...it sounds selfish...in fact it is selfish but u gota do whatever it takes to make YOU happy first...cause nomatter how wonderful a person may seem... you gota b confident with u n love u ...nobodys worth sacraficing your happiness for....he might be worth forgiveness...n worth waiting for...n worth caring for so much it hurts...im not sayin hes not...but...lifes too short too not live it....

[tiff8434]

Thank you so much for those words, you are exaclty right. I know I dont have the answers and I know I will be happier if I stop trying.

[Scout]

Tif, it's hard to give advice on your situation because I don't know why you two broke up, or how long you dated, or what problems were in your in your relationship, and what the good things were in your relationship.

 

So, without knowing any of that, I'd have to say that two months is a long time with no call, and that it's time to force yourself to stop crying and get out of the house. Even if it kills you to do it, get out of bed, and get back out there in the world. You're making yourself physically ill. If you are really so haunted by the question "Does he miss me" to the point where you can't breathe, well...if you have the nerve to do it, call him and talk to him.

[tiff8434]

Last night him and I talked about a phone bill that is due. He was very depressed sounding and just plan wore out and not happy with life. I know that he is going out and having fun. My question sis does anyone have a clue why he wants to sound so depressed when he talks to me. Maybe that is angry not depressed, but I have done nothing at all to him. I just dot get it I was very friendly didnt talk about us at all and just lifted him up in every way I knew how to. Any suggestions?

[tiff8434]

Please help.

[phx]

Sorry... I have no wonderful advice to give you. The only thing I can say is just don't feel that it is your fault that he is being moody. If anything, it is his own doing. You just need to make sure that when you talk to him you sound healthy, happy, and like you're moving on. If that makes him depressed, than maybe he needs to think about what he wants. And hopefully (and I'm sure he will) he will come to the conclusion that what he wants is you!! But if not, realize that it is his loss!!! Just remember the advice that you gave me... "The lord has something wonderful for you and in time he will reveal it as long as you seek after him."

[tiff8434]

THANK YOU!