CAgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 two days into our "break". I guess we are back together now but I can't believe that I've been freaking out about him wanting to break up with me. This is 1000x much worse than anything I ever did. I am in shock. He said he did it because he wanted to "understand some things" like if she was the one for him. She basically told him that it was all a physical thing between them so he comes running back to me! What does this make me? I can't believe I have been obsessing about my own personal short comings! I don't understand. Am I just the next best thing? Why did he have sex with her? I can't sleep. Should I just move on and let this go? Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He's in love with her, and you're just second best. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's the truth. Dump him and move on. Link to comment
beerock Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He's in love with her, and you're just second best. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's the truth. Dump him and move on. that is just rediculous, do you have any thoughts to this womans feelings? its not the truth, how would you know? your just assuming. ca girl, hes with you now right? stop obsessing over it. men are built to spread they're seed to as many woman as possible. its make human instinct. However with the way our society is it is known to be wrong yet everyone does it. even married people which i frown upon. however you are not married to him and there is a difference between a relationship and marriage. especially if your religious. your taking vows, your changing your name your in a different tax bracket. thats real commitment. everything else is just the path to marriage. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He wanted a break from you because he thought you two moved too fast and he wasn't sure whether he wanted this or not...then during the break he sleeps with his ex and makes up some BS story about wanting to see if she was for him. Then because she made it clear that it was only sex to her, he comes back to you. I would say that you need to dump this guy because I suspect if his ex would have wanted to be with him he would have remained with her, not come running back to you. It is clear you are the second choice. Don't be his second choice. As much as it really hurts, you need to be strong and walk away from him. He is using you to get over his ex. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Hmmm, for me the question that needs to be asked to him is that if his Ex had asked him to come back to HER, would he have done it? If he slept with her two days after your 'break', then that tells me that SHE was the reason for the break to begin with.... It seems like he came back to you simply because his other option didn't work out as he hoped.... I would be very careful with getting back together with him right now or ever... Link to comment
CAgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Interesting replies...I don't know what to think. I need time to understand. And for the record, I am sure he is still in some way in love with her but she is not in love with him. She broke up with him because she didn't feel the same way. But I digress, this is really about what is true and what is not. What he did was wrong yes. Does he recognize it now? Yes. Is he sorry? Yes. Does he want to be with me? Yes. Do I trust him now? No. Wil I ever trust him? Maybe. Do I want a long term relationship with him? I do. I don't know. I can't stop thinking about him having sex with her and it makes me sick to my stomach. I want to be strong enough to forgive and forget. I want us to be together and to be happy. Ahh such a gloomy day. I am very, very hurt. I am very confused. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to be with this person. I really cared about him. I feel so stupid though! Here I was obsessing about my own shortcomings and there he went blowing anything I ever did right out of the water! It's like he was thinking what can I do to CAgirl that is even worse than breaking up with her? Oh that's right! I can have sex with my ex girlfriend. He basically told me he thought she is what he wanted but then she turned him down and said it was just a physical thing! So he comes back to me. He kept saying that he figured out that he depends on people too much and he doesn't think about himself enough. He said "that he doesn't need anyone to complete him." and I was like "Well then what do you want with me?" Ignorance is bliss. I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 4:30 am tossing and turning. I can't get it out of my head. He also told me how much he wants to be with me and how he is going to earn back my trust no matter how long it takes. Yada yada yada. The hurtful words are the ones that I remember the most. I want to forgive and forget. I want this to be something that makes our relationship stronger. I just can't believe that it never crossed my mind that he would do something like this. I was completely unprepared. He even reassured me so many time "Me and her are over." Yeah right!!! When I asked him why he did it he was like "I needed to understand some things." I was like "Yeah in her vagina?!!" Link to comment
dangletsbang Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He's in love with her, and you're just second best. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's the truth. Dump him and move on. I agree with the statements that this is rude and unneccesary. There's a difference between being blunt and being rude. Link to comment
leq Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He's in love with her, and you're just second best. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's the truth. Dump him and move on. Yeh, this is just hurtfull and also untrue. Guys do this. People do this. I have done this, not proud of it but I did with one of my ex's very early on in the relationship and I loved her dearly. Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He's in love with her, and you're just second best. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's the truth. Dump him and move on. Probably not the best way to put it, but I think that the OP shouldn't totally write this off as simply a rude comment. I mean, I'm sure you've asked yourself this, but what if his ex had wanted more? Where would he be now? I would proceed with caution. I know you want to be with him, but I think you want to be with him knowing that he wants to be with you and only you. I would give him some time to sort his feelings out about his ex. He can't give you what you need in the relationship if he is still hung up on someone else. It doesn't just go away overnight, and as you know, feelings don't go away just because you get rejected. As many of us dumpees know, being rejected can often intensify your feelings, and certainly doesn't make them fade away. If he is still hurting over his previous ex, then I would advise stepping back from the situation. While it is not quite the same dynamic, you could still get used as the "rebound" even though you're his most recent ex. I know you want to be with him, but I would probably need more from him than just saying that he wants to be with you. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I'm sorry that you're feeling this way right now hun. I know how difficult it must be for you, especially knowing how much you've invested into this relationship with him. However, you have to realize some things - 1) Are you ready to let go of the fact that he slept with his ex gf within 2 days of the break with you? Clearly this is far too short to be sleeping with someone else. 2) It gets me upset that he can go sleeping around and claims he wants to "see what's out there for him". - If he had any regards for your feelings, he would not have done this. It seems to me as though he wants to test the waters and when he saw that the grass wasn't greener from the other side, he comes back to you. Basically, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. This definitely isn't fair to you whatsoever. I think you should have a talk with him and see where this relationship should go. Please think about things before letting him off the hook so easily. Link to comment
CAgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Thank you Jd. These are two very important points and yes I am going to talk with him more about this. I am going to read through my posts and figure out what to say. Last night when he told me I feel like I didn't speak my piece at all. I was in shock. Now, I am awake and ready to say what I feel. Thank you to everyone who offered their advice. Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He's in love with her, and you're just second best. Sorry for the bluntness, but it's the truth. Dump him and move on. It might be blunt, but I think there's a lot of truth in this. He said he's not ready for a relationship and then he goes and tries to get back together with his ex? What that says to me is that he's not sure if he's ready for a relationship with you. Link to comment
Mustachio Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I have found myself in a similar place and it is a very rough place to be in. My ex cheated many times, and hooked up with others, broke up with me, hooked up with others, got back with, etc etc before finally leaving me for another guy. Now, you said earlier that you do want to be with him, but you dont trust him. I know this feeling all too well. I always went right back, or at the most, gave it a few days thought before caving in. The first thing I would tell you to do is to take a few days. I never really did this. But, take a few days to really think, think about whether you want to be with him, and think about what you stand to gain by staying in this relationship, also take some time and really weigh out the negatives (I NEVER did this) and make sure the positives still outweigh the negatives. What do you want out of it, how do you really feel about him now, and really take some time to think about whether or not you are ever going to be able to trust him again and perhaps what you would require from him in order to earn your trust back. Now I always went blindly back into my relationship and never took the time to think through those things. But, and here is where it really gets tricky. If you do decide to stay with him, you need to actually give him the chance to earn your trust back, which as I have experienced means actually giving him your trust. What I mean by that is if you go back into it, questioning everything he does and making him feel unwelcome and really making him feel like you dont trust him, it will only serve to actually push him away. And I guess what it boils down to is actually giving him the chance. My first instinct was to stay in the relationship and pull away from her so that she could show me she was serious and pull me back in. What actually happened was that she felt like I didnt trust her and instead she pulled farther away from me and the whole situation repeated itself and now I am hurt. What I think I have come to realize is that in hindsight, she strayed because her needs werent being met (and I am not placing any blame on myself or making excuses) and even though she swore she wanted to be with me and that she would do whatever it took, I didnt put any trust back in her and she felt like there was nothing left for her to fight for so she pulled farther away. I never really took the time for myself to consider whether this was right for her. I felt like a victim and and such I expected her to do everything, what I failed to realize was that it was still a relationship and it still takes two people to make it work, regardless of the wrongs that one person has done to the other. I hope this helps, the situation is not fair to you thats for sure, but really just make sure you know what you want out of it, and make sure you realize that even though it is his wrong to correct there were still problems in the relationship before hand that contributed and led to this situation and that part will be up to both of you to solve. Good luck, I know how you feel, and yes it is sickening, that sickening feeling does fade though. Please let me know if you need any more help. Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I don't reply to many threads these days, but I felt compelled to reply to this one because it really angers me. All I could imagine was how I'd feel if my boyfriend did this to me, and my advice to you is to let this relationship go. I can only imagine how you feel after learning this - and I know you love him - but someone who would behave that way is not someone who is worthy of being with you. I was so hopeful for you after reading your thread yesterday... and now I just feel sick. Honestly. What an idiot he is. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I don't reply to many threads these days, but I felt compelled to reply to this one because it really angers me. All I could imagine was how I'd feel if my boyfriend did this to me, and my advice to you is to let this relationship go. I can only imagine how you feel after learning this - and I know you love him - but someone who would behave that way is not someone who is worthy of being with you. I was so hopeful for you after reading your thread yesterday... and now I just feel sick. Honestly. What an idiot he is. I agree with this. You were on a two-week "break," and he couldn't refrain from sleeping with his ex? And, you have to ask yourself, if his ex HAD decided she wanted to get back with him, would he have gone right back to her? If it were me, I would always wonder if he got back with me simply because she didn't want him. I feel for you. This is a terrible spot to be in. I know you love him, but he has really disrespected you. Maybe it hasn't sunk in entirely yet, but when it does, I have a feeling you will be very angry with him, and rightfully so. Hang in there. I hope you will consider this guy's behavior carefully and realize he really isn't the one for you. Link to comment
rigguy Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 What do you want to do CAgirl? Perspective is great but one needs to listen to oneself otherwise you open a path to regret and unhappiness. Sound to me you are unsure, it isn't a good start for a relationship. Yes you need to start a new relationship if you are to be happy with it. Seed of doubt will kill it eventually so save yourself and your partner from heartache if you have a doubt. Link to comment
CAgirl Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 Thank you to everyone for offering their insights. I have talked to him about the entire situation. It was a very emotional and long three hour conversation. Right now I am giving myself more time to think and decide what I want. I know that he is remorseful and regrets what he did to hurt me. He has said that he doesn't deserve a second chance and he doesn't deserve me. I want to move past this and start a new healthy relationship with him. I know that most of you wouldn't agree with this but it is what I want. I love him and I really care about him despite all that has happened. I just don't want to let something go that could end up being really good for me. For now I am thinking and weighing the pros and cons. Again bear with me this has started off to be a very long week for me. Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 So he comes back to me. He kept saying that he figured out that he depends on people too much and he doesn't think about himself enough. He said "that he doesn't need anyone to complete him." and I was like "Well then what do you want with me?" I think this part is the most telling. His conclusion from all of this is that he depends on people too much??? It seems pretty clear that he was rejected and sees you as a soft place to land. Is that a role you're willing to play? Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I hope this works out for you. I know how difficult this must be for you, but if this is what ultimately makes you happy, then I wish you the best. Hang in there. Link to comment
CAgirl Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I think this part is the most telling. His conclusion from all of this is that he depends on people too much??? It seems pretty clear that he was rejected and sees you as a soft place to land. Is that a role you're willing to play? I really don't know if I want to be a soft place to land I didn't see that before so thank you for pointing that out to me. Link to comment
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