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Nynnja
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I think being around this new guy is making me miss you even more. He's nice and different than you for sure. But I miss our old ways...how we knew each other, all our quirks. The way you would say and do things...the comfort. How everything fell into place so perfectly when we met. How you really did feel like a part of me. When we would go out together we were so in sync, it was effortless. I miss that.

 

Now I know you're off with her, doing whatever it is you're doing. Having a blast, not even thinking of me. I did have fun tonight with him but it was different. I miss your smell. I miss the words you would use. I miss the predictability of it all. I liked the predictability.

 

I am really longing for you. I want to just scream out for you and have you back, so much so that I actually feel nauseous. I wish you were here with me now but I know you're a stranger to me now.

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I have been really strong this last week, but today my emotions have caught up with me and I am sad again.

 

I went to a concert last night and was all excited, till i bumped into a friend of yours and he told me he saw you at the pub last night getting blind. I allowed the stab in the heart I felt of his words ruin my night and the next day. Just the thought that you are happy going on with your life and don't want to see me hurts so much.

 

If I knew nothing of your life, my pain wouldn't be so harsh.... but I hear of it every day, as we work together. It feels like the knife in my heart just gets turned every time I hear anything about you.

 

When will my pain go away?

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NC Day 88:

 

Dear Ex, you mother * * * * er!

 

No contact triggered something that you said to me. Evidently I supressed it out of my mind, but NC resurrected it. And thinking about it now makes me SO ANGRY AT YOU.

 

I can't believe you said that to me. I did everything I could to be the best girlfriend for you. I spent extra time with you because I knew that's how you felt loved. So, why the hell did you tell that * * * * * friend of yours that: "When you spend so much time with me, I feel like you should be my girlfriend"---When you already knew we hated each other. And when you already knew I was your girlfriend.

 

What the * * * * ?

 

And the worse part is, I think you got some sort of a secret, inner joy from knowing that. I hate the fact that after doing everything I could to be a good girlfriend, it still wasnt enough. It's like * * * should you try to be so good to someone in the first place?

 

But now I know:

Never devote ALL your time to someone

Never be overly good to someone (overtime they stop appreciating it)

Never go out with a man who has a vagina like you.

Never change. If they can't accept you for who you are, the way you are, * * * * him. He just isnt the one for you.

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I have been doing so much better since I found your new account. All this time, I had imagined you hurting, crying and feeling terrible, but actually you were laughing, having fun, making jokes with friends and flirting with other girls (just like when we were still together, how nice). The only one who was hurting, feeling terrible and crying was me, like always. Of course, you'll convince all of your friends that I'm a terrible person. I don't care because I'll never see or talk to those people, though. It's weird how you were always trying to make me feel terrible when actually YOU were the one who was hurting ME, just no one ever saw it. They only saw your charming, joking side and wondered why I kept running away from you. They didn't see what you were really doing or how you were really treating me. I'm through feeling sorry for you, I'm only fooling myself when I do that. I felt better because I realized I have no reasons to feel sorry or feel guilty. You really are a cad and you'll never regret how you treated me, will you? You'd have to have compassion for that, which is a word I'm sure you don't know. Dodged a major bullet with you!!

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I miss you. I want to text you and tell you, and I know you would reply. I know you would say you are happy to hear from me and that you miss me too. But it's all a load of BS and I'm realising it more and more every day. You wanted me out of your life therefore that is exactly what you will get... absolutely nothing.

 

Thinking of the good times and the memories still gives me pain and if I dwell on it I know I would cry. But I need to accept that what is gone is gone and will never come back. This is opening new doors for me, unexpected ones that I didn't think I would be walking through. But it's good. Still wish you had the courage to say you don't want to be with me because you don't want to accept just being with one girl for the rest of your life.. I'm not stupid. But you're a coward and made me do the dirty work for you. I still love you, and I want the best for you. You're a really great person and deserve happiness. But so do I.

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Hey M,

 

2 years ago, we broke up by the roadside. You burnt my heart-shaped chocolate box right in front of me. Evil. Pure evil.

 

I met a guy who's great but I was in a relationship, so, I didn't pursue. Now, I'm single again. I am hoping he'll take the flight out and meet me. I am praying for that to happen.

 

I like him a lot.

 

I know it's not going to go anywhere but I do not want to sit and wondered if things would be good between me and him. He's the geek that I mentioned to you before. The one that I could talk about anything to him.

 

I wish he'll make the flight.

 

Hey, wish me luck. If this goes well, I could finally put an end to the possibility of 'us'. I could move on and get your shadow off my life.

 

Things would be great. I wish. I hope.

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Dear ex,

 

Just found out today from M*****a that at that party your brother threw back in October, you came onto M****a. I sort of suspected as much..when you took her outside to "show her around", it was to get her away from ME, wasn't it? Since we were sleeping together at that time. And apparently, you didn't care that J*** had invited M****a to the party because HE was interested in her, did you? The pathetic ego boost you wanted to get from seeing if you could get her interested in you superceded both MY feelings AND his. You're an a&&hat, you really are.

 

M****a and I are good friends now and guess what? She says she never liked you. Nearly all of my friends have been saying that.

 

Funny how you did the same thing with that girl at Happy Hour..you took her outside for a smoke, so you could flirt with her, without me watching. I have half a mind to message her on Facebook and find out what exactly happened between the 2 of you. But you know what, I know all I need ot know about your sh*tty character. Stay out of my f'in life.

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I finally trashed everything - all the photos, all the letters, every one of our chat logs, all the text messages. Removed your number. Debating on changing phone number/email but of course nothing could ever stop you if you wanted to contact me somehow, so I don't see the point.

 

Valentines Day is tomorrow and I'm spending it with someone special. A healthy relationship is building and I really see everything that was missing between us - far too rushed, no communication, so many hard feelings. You got with a new man the day we broke up and you have made him miserable and yourself miserable once again. I really hope you can pull yourself out of this terrible cycle you have been repeating for the past few years. I worry about you. I'm not the devil. The devil is in your mind.

 

Best wishes.

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Went to church today. The message was to forgive others that have offended you. I was shocked because before the preaching, I prayed about forgiving you, this sermon was made for me. I forgive you for the name calling, put downs, temper tantrums, mood swings you did to me. I forgive you. I forgive myself for stooping down to that level. I didnt have to go there even if you treated me that way. I forgive you D...., I forgive you D....

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I had a dream we were at camp--weird.

 

I felt obligated to be romantically linked to you, but I wasn't really feeling it.

 

This is not a good description of the dream. Anyway--this time last year I was beyond grieving--I was someone else, I was content just to be able to make it through the day so that I could go home, get into bed and eventually cry myself to sleep, and pretty much thought of nothing else--well kind of. Slowly, that changed, about 10 months into NC.

 

I don't miss who I was before I met you or during the time we dated/our prolonged breakup. The whole thing is like nails on a chalkboard--

If I could look back and see my life before as a color, it would be the sum of all the colors you see when you close your eyes in bright sunlight tinged with a metallic red.

 

I feel slightly apologetic for introducing you to the concept of living an honest life. Sometimes I hope I can just render myself unconscious like before. I don't care anymore about the truth--I only want to, and can believe what suits me best in the moment.

 

Anyway---I woke up and I felt really sad again, like I know that you matter but I'm just turning my back on it all the same. I know we're both fine now, but I honestly can't even tell you that I've forgiven you. The kind of forgiveness I feel now is silent. You would never believe what I'm like now lol. Sometimes I even say too little! I think I'm turning into one of those people who get addicted to doing the right thing all the time. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that dignity is going to save me. Now I just pretend

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Hey Bridgette I miss you so much and yesterday I was feeling a bit nostalgic looking at that bear you gave me for valentine's day last year. I know you are happy and I miss those phone chats we used to have but it is crystal clear you have moved on and obviously you are not breaking the NC rule and guess what neither am I. I wish you the best and I will always love you......

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It's not that now that we're broken up, you're hanging out with her more. You always were, you were just hiding it from me. Well I'd rather not know about it. I'm so glad that I blocked you and de-friended her. What I don't know can't hurt me, right? You always went back to her after your break-ups, I wonder what that says about her? She seems perfectly content with being your back up plan. It turns my stomach how you hid and concealed the "friendship" from me. I can't even fathom the thought of you two kissing or being together in any way.

 

What I never understood is why you even were looking for a relationship with me if you had this girl already. It doesn't make any sense, and I even told you during the first BU that if she was so great, you should just date her. It's true. Obviously she knows you better than I did and is special enough for you to respect her. Why wasn't I? Why was I so unlovable in your eyes? All you ever did was take your anger out on me and treat her like a damn princess in my presence.

 

I really want you to come back to me and tell me you made a mistake. But if you haven't up until this point, you probably won't. It always confused me how you spoke of your previous relationships so callously. Now I'm just another ex that was "clingy and annoying" right? You were a total saint and I was the crazy one.

 

I should hate you. In a sense I do, but I know if you came back I would fall for it. You know this too. So in a way I think you're trying to do me a favor by staying away. You know you're wrong for me, you know you can't love me the way you should. You said it yourself.

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Tomorrow I will think of you....on Valentine's Day.

I will wonder if he sent you flowers to your office, so all the women there can see that you are moving on and doing OK (even tho its only been 7 weeks).

 

What those women wont know, and what your family wont know, is that you were with him for the last 3 months, that's right, while you lived with me you carried out your affair with him...for the second time in a year and a half.

I hope you are proud of yourself...living a lie to protect your fragile ego and squeaky clean good girl image for everyone.....well i know the truth don't I?

I am the one you cheated on.

I am the one you lied to.

I am the one that got the full brunt of your rage, your resentment, your immaturity and impulsive acts that ruined us.

 

They see the pretty smile and wonderful disposition.

I see the monster.

 

They rallied around you as you ended our 6 year relationship because " we just weren't compatible anymore"

They supported you, while i was left to suffer in silence.

 

One phone call to your office....to your mom...your sisters.....even if you told them i was pissed and being vindicitve and to ignore my immaturity, what i would tell them, the examples i would give them, would plant the seed of doubt in the "little miss wonderful" act you have down cold.....seriously, if there was an oscar for the best BS job in history done to protect your image at all costs, you would be one of the nominees.

 

I promised myself last night that i would forgive you. i need to find closure somehow....i am on a Ferris wheel of pain...going round and round...no answers to my questions...just more questions......

I forgive you.

I forgive you

I forgive you.

You don't even realize what you did to me, and that's why i can forgive you.

You only know this one way to be....black and white...on or off...take it or leave it. You have lived your relationships discarding people, cheating, lying, using them...because its you, its how you are.....not your fault ? Yes it certainly is....no one forced you to cheat or lie - you used your own free will to do that.

I must start to forgive you for ME....for my soul, to give my mind a break before it breaks me.

 

Since i will apparently never hear from you again, some 7 weeks in now and neither of us has broken NC.

 

As I sit in silence for another 7 days, resilient and confident that i can go no contact with you forever...the pain you inflicted after all we were thru in 6 years drives me and inspires me to NEVER give you that satisfaction...never reach out into the mouth of the dragon....never ever ever ever...NC is for my healing...and the fact that anything you would say would just tear me open again.

 

I cant...i just cant do that anymore...I want to hear your voice, sense the smile in it as we speak...but you are bad for me...you are heroin....i need to stay far away from the drug that took 6 years from me to leave me with a bunch of old cliche's as to why.

 

Happy Valentine's Day baby....i hope that you are happy with your choices...i hope he fulfills all your dreams and helps you break those self-destructive patterns and you can smile that beautiful smile, love him with all of you as you did me once......

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I am so dumb--yea, I guess you are a little disappointed that I shot you down so quickly after you made contact but I know you're still the same selfish douche!! since you are going on a 3 month trip soon, you have no intention of getting back together with me. I bet you wanted to see if you could still sleep with me, lead me on while you are out screwing around with tons of girls and keeping up your semi respectable facade at home. Or maybe you just wanted to get in my pants again just to see if we still had it.

 

you are soooo disgusting. So you're 'purging' like you said, trying to start over, almost the way I am. But you are SUCH scum. I am actually glad no one really likes you--you have a terrible personality!

 

I can't imagine you'll be anything other than miserable in your life. You always think that if you meet the right girl, you'll stop being so sleazy--but the problem isn't us--it's you. You are never going to make any woman happy. Anyway, if you do find someone, I'm not going to blame myself because I know the change has to come from within, and I assume at that point you'll see what a creep you used to be and find a way to apologize for real to me.

 

You are such a jerk, just such a jerk. Still doing the same old, I wonder if you'll ever try to make contact with me again--after you are done having your fun on your trip. That is just so wrong that I can't even justify it.

 

I guess this is the point where you move on for good, have fun before starting your rigorous new program and bravely seek out a new truly loving relationship--one that isn't marred by all your sick sick problems. You don't deserve that, but honestly I don't really care you piece of * * * * . You really are an idiot if you actually think you were justified in treating me like that. Trust me--I would be happy for you moving on if you were not such a low life.

 

I just want to hate you. I hate you--you knew you loved me all along. That's why I hate you. You are not strong, you are pathetic, and you are insecure. And you have no control over your impulses, you are sexually greedy and crazy. You prefer the sexual equivalent of junk food to a healthy meal. You know that I'm beautiful and more than enough for you to have been happy your whole life. But you are just an idiot. I don't care if you realize that now, and wish we could at least see each other. Nope, not until I am safe and secure in the best relationship of my life. Then trust me, I will definitely be giving you a call. I don't even care about whether you know what you lost--I know there is a better love out there for me--because I would never have done 99% of the things you did to me. I am definitely a far more valuable spouse and person. I'm the real deal and I'm smart and gorgeous, so I'm sure you know that I would just jump ship quickly had we reconnected. I know my worth.

 

now what? you're going to copy me and try be a good person--god you are a loser in my eyes. luckily you have a chance to redeem yourself with someone else because you are definitely a risky investment. I wish I never knew that people like you existed--you seem like a good deal on the outside but inside you are one of the more virulent and despicable human beings. Now I'm so damn paranoid--I keep thinking every guy is as evil and two faced as you, but someone like me exists in the world, then I'm sure my counterpart does as well.

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Hey,

I just want to say that I hope all is well. I hope you've found someone special to spend Valentine's Day with. I hope you've found love and happiness.

 

You were so hurt by my lies, my deceit and my deception, and all of the stupid things I did after I confessed last year. I'm sorry. It was terrible. You shouldn't have had to pay the price for my sin, and yet you bore the brunt worst of all. If I could have found a way, I would have just suffered alone... but you deserved to know. I couldn't deny you that, after all the lies. I couldn't run the risk that I'd leave a way for me to come running back.

 

It burned, I know. But hopefully you've moved on, hopefully you've healed enough to where you can find happiness again. There are few other people I can think of who deserve it more. If you had to hate me, if you had to move to absolute apathy, then so be it, if it allowed your heart to heal so you can find beauty in life again.

 

I don't miss you anymore, I never had a right to, since I was the one who created this whole debacle. To keep myself from it, I simply numbed myself to everything. Whenever I'm tempted to indulge in that futile exercise, I simply remember that you're better off without me. It took a long time, but that is my mantra.

 

Be safe, be warm, and be well this Valentine's Day. May I be distant from your thoughts.

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You weirdo. 1 month ago you break up with me.I was polite and wished you well and simply requested that you not contact me again. And today....on valentines day........ my phone rings from a private number. I should of known better than to pick it up. "hello?"......no answer.......i can hear you driving...."hello?" .....then i simply hang up.

 

See, thats the thing, im not going to sit around and wait for you to reply when it suits you. You need to learn that me waiting around for you is a thing of the past.

 

I hope the hang-up tone was an awkward unexpected moment for you.

 

Happy valentines.

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