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I had an early morning dream of you. It kind of put me in an odd mood, because it had been days since I last dreamt of you so it kind of put me on edge. I had thought that the dreams were finally slowing down, hopefully coming to a stop..but nope, I was wrong. In the dream, you finally replied to my email, saying how hurt you were and that for right now we are broken up, but as for the future..who knows. Ironic thing is, I really did send you an email a month ago, you never responded. I know you won't. Whenever something triggers me to think of you right in the morning, you manage to stay on my mind for the entire day. So I have to do stuff to keep myself busy today. It's a beautiful day outside, still a bit cold, but the sun is shining and it looks like Spring! I'm going to go to the beach with a friend today, for a leisurely stroll along the water. Then we're going to have lunch down there, so it should be a good day. I still wonder what you do on weekends now that you're living with your brother. I know it doesn't matter anymore and there's no reason for me to care, but I still question - do you go out? Mall? Bars? Clubs? Have you met anyone knew? Hah, actually i'd rather not know the answer to the last one. Anyways, hope you have a good day, because i'll be trying my best to.

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I should have never taken you back after you cheated. it was your pattern.

I watched you do it to your last boyfriend.

We had a 6 year relationship - and you threw it all away.

All of your "textbook" reasons for ending were all BS, fed to you by your friends and family while you leaned on them for support.

You know why you REALLY left, and who REALLY filled your head with reasons to end us....and I hope you both realize that you two cheated on your SO's to be with each other, and as the old saying goes:

"if they will do it with you, they will do it to you"

I hope in time you will realize what you had with me, regret your decision, and NEVER contact me...I want you to suffer in silence, just like I have and will until I get over you.

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I guess this is just something that I need to get off my chest:

 

It appears to my untrainied eye and circumstantial evidence, that not only am I now not invited to certain after work activities (one place in particular) that mutual friends have organized for years, but some of them seem to be avoiding me all together. Note that I've known them for much longer than you have. You ended it with me, and I'm now the bad guy? I've never tried to convince anyone of taking a "side".. as to me this was something that just didn't work out and no hard feelings. Sounds like you have though.

 

I try not to make assumptions ever; but I've accepted the fact that there may be something going on between you and one of our mutual friends.. even though I've known him for years. Never thought any of this would have happened; but looks like I may have to sacrifice a few long term friends and hangouts in addition to having this end when I never wanted it to.

 

BTW, this will never be told to anyone.

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Are you really trying to guilt trip me now for not answering your half hearted excuse of a text to apologize for not texting me back? Really? Saying now "okay oh well have a good one I guess" REALLY? Like I should feel bad for not saying "oh it's okay that you ignored me and didnt answer me" I guess that's what you expect me to do because I always do fall to you. I don't want to this time. I'm not stupid you can give me 100 excuses but they are all excuses. Basically you just didn't want to talk to me. I wish you would be a man grow some balls and just say that instead of always making excuses like this...but you know what this time it's not okay. This time I wont just take your bull crap excuse and continue nicely with you in hopes that you'll decide you want me again.

 

I don't need you in my life when you obvious do not want me and only make excuses for the reason why. I feel strong. I won't answer you now or ever again.

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I wish I was waking up in your house this morning. I miss our old Sundays together. It was like a completely different life. I look back and think 'was that really me, did it really even happen'. I forget what holding you feels like. The thought of you still gives me pain in my chest and tears in my eyes. Was I just nothing to you that you could throw away someone who loved you so much? Life is crap at the minute. I hate the weekends. I'm not happy and so lonely.

 

It will get better, I know. I have good times to look forward to. But I still wish you were a part of my future. I love you so much and my love for you hasn't changed despite all of the heartache.

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The urge to contact you is very strong today. I even composed a text and then made myself delete it. I wouldn't get the response I want (I don't even know what response I want anymore anyway!). I don't even feel teary or wobbly or down this morning. Perhaps it was the game yesterday. I think it was. The fact I didn't spot you there maybe. I'm starting to feel like a crazy person! Honestly it's actually quite funny. At least I can now laugh about stuff and gain a bit of perspective. I still miss you, as nutty as that is.

 

You know what? I think 6 months, a year from now, you really will realise what you lost. I'm pretty certain of it. Either that or you will realise that you have been in denial about yourself.

 

I've been shovelling snow off the drive this morning. I'm tired now. Did you get a lot of snow too? Are you watching the game on TV this afternoon?

 

I need to get a grip.

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I have the most extreme ups and downs. I see you posting things to her page and it absolutely turns me stomach.. you're acting like nothing ever happened. If something is going on with you and her, well that just makes you even more of an ass. I hate how none of your friends see it because they're all on your side.

 

Unfortunately today is one of my "downs". It's not that I'm missing you or wanting you back, I'm just sad about the way it ended and how you seemingly just moved on with your life while I'm still like this.

 

I met someone online, and he's extremely attractive but he still lives at home and doesn't even have a car. I get caught up in physical attraction but those things are such a turn off. Ugh. I wish it was as easy to replace you like you've apparently done to me.

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I can't believe I'm typing this, but I've met someone else Argh! He's lovely, incredibly sweet, handsome. And very different from you. My word. He came back to mine last night, we sat up talking for hours and he stayed on the sofa, we kissed but nothing else happened. I can't actually believe this. I enjoyed kissing him! It didn't freak me out!

 

I'll take it very very slow. I'm not sure if I'm ready yet but I shall see what happens. Wow!

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Today is the stupid superbowl, which quite frankly, i could care less about but for some reason i just remembered that last years superbowl was spent with you at my friend's apartment. It just breaks my heart how time changes things. I remember that this particular weekend, you missed your bus back home and i drove you 6 hours back the next day just so i could have an extra night with you. How dare you ever tell me that i never did anything for you. Well, this is day one of starting NC and really starting it. You'll probably be at the bar with your guys, where that girl you talk to works, and i'm sure you won't even remember that you spent last year's superbowl with me. I wish you still cared, i wish you still loved me- because i do for you. I miss you.

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Trying with all my might to resist the temptation to get in touch. I don't know why I suddenly have this compulsion, it is so strong. I have this sense that something is wrong, but you are not my concern. I wish I wasn't so caring. I will not reach out to you. I just miss how you could relate to me. God, I wish I had a mental eraser!!!

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I feel icky today for not replying to you gahhh why does this always happen? I feel alone today....my best friend makes plans with me but keeps canceling because of her boyfriends and when I vent my frustrations to her about what's going on in my head about you she doesn't even answer my text....I'm sure she is just sick of hearing about it. I'm sick of it too....I guess I will just vent all my frustrations here instead. And just put on a happy face to people and act like I'm dandy...I kinda feel like I have no one today....friends can't be bothered to care or be there for me, you don't care, not really.

 

I am just UGH. I know you don't want to be with me, you have basically said it. You telling me you 'miss me' or wanting me to come there is all about you being lonely and you using me. I KNOW that deep down, but still....STILL I want to believe it's not like that. That you actually do feel things for me still, aside from sexual things. That you still do love me like I love you, but I know you don't. Time to purge myself of you again. No more answering you. I should prob block you on FB again, stop using that district site....and I know I wont be randomly running in to you until at least May....so that should give me a good 3 months to get myself back on track completely with out you again. I gotta try. I can't let you keep using me the way you always do, I can't keep giving you the impression that I will always be there for you to fall back on.

 

And I am so because valentines day is coming up. I don't want to be alone on that day. As terrible as it is I almost feel like I will take a date with the first people who comes along because I can't stand to be alone on that day. That weekend there is a dance event in your area. I'm sure your gonna go, and probably look for girls. Super. That just makes me feel even more lonely....I want someone to fill that void right now. Someone to hold me, kiss my forehead, cuddle with me, kiss me....but I want someone who wants to do all those things with ME. Someone who really loves and appreciates me, and I know that isn't you....as painful as it is. I could come there tomorrow, do all those things with you....but it wouldn't be about you wanting me, it would be about you wanting a warm body there. I get that...it hurts but I get that.

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I was always too good for you, you did not deserve me, now go back to your sh**ty existence that you had before, that you said you hated, while I have an even better life than the great life I had before I let you in mine. Don't come crawling back when you realise no one else will EVER be as good to you or for you as I was.

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Technically, you're not my 'ex'. . . . we were FWB really. I know it's always been difficult for you to separate the sex from our friendship.....so since you 'need' to no longer indulge in the sexual part of 'us', you also have to cut the friendship. We've gone through this before. Why did I acknowledge you when you started speaking to me out of the blue, in September, after limited to no contact, for months. I finally had moved past you. But I was an idiot, allowed you back into my life, and things got hot and heavy without a gap, until a few hours ago. Very hot and heavy with our little conversation last night.. . . . and I wake up this morning to a text from you, that we need to 'cool it with the emails for a bit'. Wth does that mean, exactly? I did email you back, asking you for some sort of explanation. You seemed content enough about 9:30 last night with your ''happy ending'' via email/text encounter. What changed from 9:30 last night until 7:30 this morning? You can't explain, you have to leave a one-sided text? Really?

 

I'm not sure if you'll reply to my short email asking for an explanation. I am signed out of my email because I'm really upset and sad and confused. I will eventually check. If that's what you want, to not talk to me again, then fine. Obviously I don't want it like this. I know you like me and are attracted to me and I know because of certain things we can't have a relationship. I was fine with the parameters of what we 'were'. Clearly I am easily forgettable, easy to leave behind, easy to ignore, easy to be banished to some corner of regret in your mind.

 

P.S. thanks for ruining what had started out being a good weekend. You could have waited and talked to me at work tomorrow; we could have actually had a conversation about it, rather than your just deciding the fate of everyone like some cruel little dictator.

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I met you in my dream yesterday night. We met in a conference. And afterwards, we went out drinking. You said how much you missed me and was drinking heavily. I stood there and looked at you on how much you were suffering.

 

I left the bar. I went back to the conference the next day and I was surprised you weren't around. I was waiting for you and it hits me..

 

You always disappear. Then, I woke up. LOL. Hell hath no fury like a man waking me up before a dream finishes. I pity the guy He wanted to go for breakfast.

 

I went bowling a couple of days ago and they had lane problems where my pins need to be reset a couple of times.

 

I scored great the first time, then, they reset mine. I was pissy and ended up bowling off the lane (LOL). I was a gutter cleaner.

 

So, my point is: Just because you have a second chance where the first time was great, it does NOT mean the 2nd chance will make it even better.

 

Just cherish the first time around because there will be no better time. The 2nd chance will not be as good as the 1st one. It will be worse.

 

M,

 

Our 1st time was great. Amazing. You dumped me by the roadside. You did that. It wasn't me. You said we can't do this.

 

Even how much you were suffering and how much you blamed me for dumping you the 2nd time, the first time was destroyed by you. The 1st time was all we had.

 

Our time had ended a long time ago.

 

It is time to move on.

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I've got distractions but they never last long enough. The night drags on and on and is filled with thoughts of you. I've hit the part where I am only focusing on the good times and completely erasing any of the terrible things you did. I get so deep into those thoughts, it consumes me.

 

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks. If you really loved me, you would have contacted me. The fact that it has been this long means you don't care or want me in your life. Why is this so difficult for me to grasp? I don't want it to be true, thats why.

 

Well, I miss you. I'm at the point where I forgot how you sound, your facial expressions, they're all leaving my memory. I guess that means I just miss the idea of you or having you "there". This sucks.

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