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This is what runs thru my mind when i am weak....when i think that you got the better end of this, that you left me for another man and had him in your life forthe last 2 months you were with me....these things, above all else, remind of the REAL you - the one that i was intorduced to in those last days of us. these are the things you said, with cold indifference:


" I am not in love with you anymore "

" I have moved on "

" Its not you - its my issue - you did nothing wrong"

" Why would you want to be with someone like me anyway? "

" the only mistake you made was picking the wrong person to be with"

" I dont feel guilty for making this decision - sorry, but i dont and wont."

" please dont dwell on this - it just didnt work out, thats all...6 years or not, it is what it is....get over it already"

" I am not getting any younger ( she is 32) ...if i am going to find someone to be with forever, i need to do it now"

" my needs are not being met "

" I am not COMPLETELY happy anymore"


And yet she still owns me - heart and soul......love is a bitter thing...it stings and it cuts you...the wounds are invisible, but leave a scar anyway.....


Re-reading the quotes....I have to ask myself what am i pining away for?

What are you, other than a cheater, who clearly could care less about me if you could say these things TO MY FACE....as if i wasan old friend, not your boyfriend of 6 years.

You can keep you lies...your cheating...all of it.


I wish i could stop loving you and rationalizing your horrible behavior.


Why did you go no contact for the last 31 days?

Is it your guilt? Your pride?


....or is it HIM....the one you jumped from me to....just like you did in your previous relationship when you jumped to me.


He will suffer at your hand...sooner or later you will open him up, rip out his insides, destroy his heart and move on.....


And i bet when you do, you will start off the breakup conversation with:

" I am not in love with you anymore "

" I have moved on "

...and so your pattern repeats.......and when it does, i will be over you on on with my life.

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I am starting to see how lucky I am. This board is full of people with heartrending stories. People who have been lied to, cheated on, treated like crap. You let me down, but I see your actions for what they were. You weren't sure so you got out quickly before you thought you could hurt me. You kind of got that bit wrong, because I had already fallen for you big-time. You were guilty of misleading me (well I know you had feelings for me and were having a great time, so misleading is even a little harsh) and you were guilty of being afraid, scared and a little wrapped up in your safe single life. But that was all. You were not to know quite how much this would devastate me. Hell, even I was surprised at how much it hurt, considering my fears and uncertainties.


I still have some anger (partly directed at you for not having the courage to give it a go, but mostly directed at the universe for letting you slip away from me when it has taken all these years for someone to just fit me so well and blow me away). I honestly don't understand how so many people jump from one person to another as if they are a pair of shoes or something. I let you into my heart because I had deep feelings for you. I still miss you and have moments where I wish you would reach out to me. I wish those moments would fade quicker than they are. I just don't think I will ever meet someone like you.


At least I can say I met a gentleman, a very special person. This is why it's so hard, because I believe one day you will see you lost a kindred spirit. But at the end of the day, it could only have worked if you had been able to take it to the next level and I'm not sure you could have or maybe ever will.


I do miss your kisses (-: I am such a good, well-behaved girl with probably way too many principles(!) but honest to god, if I had a month to live, I would call you up and ask you to spend the night with me! To hell with it, a whole week! But that is not real life is it?


What is wrong with me today???!!! I have a crazy brain (-: At least I'm smiling...........

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Does she ever buy tulips for your mother? Does she do your laundry? Does she wake up at 4 am to take your friend to the airport? Does she buy fancy lingerie or roleplay for you?


Nothing I did was ever good enough for you. In the end, I still made you "so unhappy."


sounds like you were a loving, caring partner....he has no idea what he walked away from....

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Dear Ex,


I was too tired to reach the phone, but it wasn't until after you hung up that I realized it was you. At first, I was thisclose to returning your call. I hold no more anger or ill will for you, but I dont know how "moved on" I am from you now. And that's not good.


Honestly, like I thought before, I think you feel guilty for standing me up on Thanksgiving. That, with your overall curiosity to see how moved on I am, led you to call. Beforehand, I was going to call. But I think it's better if I dont. Sit in your curiosity instead.

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Almost at 4 month mark of NC ... got to know you apologized 1 month ago to a mutual friend for breaking up with me while he was visiting me and thus making his holidays harder. You had planned to do it later so that he could enjoy his holidays at my place. That's kind of you! :S


Good to hear that you have been avoiding him (I guess out of shame or guilt). Good to know he really IS a friend and doesn't like how you dealt with everything. Ah, he still remembers you played with him 1.5 years ago.


Wow, you haven't changed at all.

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You have no idea how much you have hurt me.. I'm sure this is just another walk in the park for you... I;m sure you're laughing and going about your business like nothing has ever happened... Karma will visit you , I'm sure.. ou have proven to me that you are worthless human being and you don;t care about anyones feelings...

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I've been editing and re-editing a letter to you for a week now. It goes something like this:


"It’s been over two weeks, and I still feel like I’ve been kicked in the teeth. Half of me wants to corner you and bombard you with questions. The other half never wants to see you again. I honestly don't even want to be contacting you, but I can't escape this burning need for closure, for some reason.


Perhaps it's partly because you were not only my lover, you were my dom. My top. I put you in a position of trust that I’ve never put ANYONE in, EVER. When you were wrapping my stockings or your hands around my throat, I was putting my LIFE in your hands. We reached a very deep level of connection (OR SO I THOUGHT).


Because of that, I think I deserve more of an explanation, not just for the breakup, but for the relationship itself in light of what you said when you broke up with me (

"the feelings aren't there"). One minute you seemed so into me, the next I get dumped on my head. And everyone just expects me to move on and put on a happy face, and just get over it, without wanting some answers??


For example..HOW could you have told me “my head and heart agree this is right” or “I’m falling in love with you”, and do and say such sweet, loving things, then pull the rug out from under me, seemingly out of nowhere, a few weeks later? Feelings don't change that quickly. If I did something to spur this sudden change of heart, I’d like to know what it was, so I don't go repeating the same mistakes in my next relationship.


If I’d had the presence of mind the night you broke up with me, I would’ve asked, what do you mean, the feelings aren’t there? Did they DIE? Were they never there in the first place? If not, why did you make me believe they were??


Given the investment of time, effort and emotion I put into this relationship in the last 6 months, and the closeness I thought we’d shared, when I said “I deserve better than this,” I meant, I deserved more of an explanation as to why you pulled me so close to you for 6 months –even when I tried to pull away at times, because I KNEW..I KNEW you weren’t over your ex—only to dump me once things seemed to be going well. I feel like I got totally played..not sure why, tho? Cuz you needed to feel better about yourself, after 6 yrs of (his last ex's) b***s***t? Because you didn't want to be alone? See? Questions, questions...


I did not ask for (a mutual friend of ours') input that night that he returned your stuff to you on my behalf; however, he felt led to explain to me that you feel you have nothing to contribute to a relationship right now, your life is a mess, you need to focus on yourself, etc….since I never asked nor expected you to have your * * * * together to be with me, and you contributed a g****n LOT to the relationship-surely you KNOW that… that all sounds to me like the standard “give her an excuse that is less likely to hurt her feelings or make you look like an a$$hat” template. ("it's not you, it's ME", bla bla.)


I frankly suspect that you're still in love with some phantom you saw once a weekend every 3-4 months, and me as a human being who's HERE so you could see my faults and imperfections, and made you have to deal with the demands and expectations of an adult relationship...well I just couldn't compete with that phantom.

But..that's just my rampant, wild speculation.


Anyway, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everyone's armchair coach speculation –including my own, or second-hand info about your motives and feelings, simply because you decided to pull a 180 seemingly out of nowhere. I just want to tidy this chapter of my life up and move on. It's killing me that I can't, not without some clarity on the s*** that still makes no sense to me.


For the sake of closure, I’d like to know the truth, straight from you. I'd like to know what's been going on in your head the last 6 months. I hope that you respect me enough to GIVE me the truth and have enough confidence in my maturity and strength that I can handle it.


There's nothing to lose by being honest with me because..and, just so there’s NO confusion, I’m not asking for this by any means to try to get you back. Just so we're clear. I don't want you back. I don’t play the break-up/get back together games that you and (his last ex) seem to enjoy. I‘d rather take all the good things I have to offer and give them to someone who appreciates me, rather than trying to push them on someone who clearly doesn't want them, for whatever reason..no feelings, not ready, etc.


I’m SURE there’s a decent, attractive, intelligent guy out there SOMEWHERE who would love to be with a sexy fetish model who’s sapiosexual, bisexual, amenable to lap dances at strip clubs, porn and threeways; who has a high sex drive; who is honest, loyal, and trustworthy; who is submissive and doesn’t mind a certain amount of pain; who is relatively easygoing and likes to share and do things with her boyfriend; who's not afraid of intimacy; who is funny, clever, highly intelligent, well-read, well-rounded,; who likes opera and symphonies; etc…you get my drift.


I’d like to MOVE ON and find this person."


Haven't sent it. YET.

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I kinda miss you....prob just Valentines Day closing in on me....Tiny part of me regrets never answering your text last week and just leaving things like that. I doubt you even care though, I know your not really loosing sleep over it. I mean it was obvious you didn't really want me in your life anyway so it was smart of me to just disengage. That was the right thing to do...right? I hate second guessing myself.


I dreamed of you last night. It was all mixed up, but you weren't very nice to me in the dream. I called you and you pretended you didn't know I was on the phone and you were talking to some girl, laughing with her. It made me mad and hurt me. Reminds me of that time we broke up the first time waaaay back when, when you rubbed that girl in my face who you messed around with. Guess subconsciously that still haunts me....bleh....


I am okay though. 90 percent of the time I'm good. I'm coming back to reality after you again after this last go around. I need to focus on me more this year!

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Not sure how I can even see your posts since your wall is private but yeah, I saw your cute little check-in with her, at the restaurant we always wanted to go to but never did. Nice. Really really nice. I hope you're happy.


I deleted more photos tonight, but still have a few left. I'm getting there. I wanted to block you but I couldn't.


Going on another date with the guy I met this week. You should be out of my mind. Slowly but surely.

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Officially 2 weeks since I haven't contacted him and I feel sorta good and sorta sad . I just wish it would go away! Why can't I stop not wanting you back in my life? Why? I should be counting my blessings but instead I just want to hear your voice. Why is this so difficult and why do I want you in my life even as a friend?

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I finally got some validation when I realized that you're an undiagnosed borderline personality. I've been doing a lot of research and it all makes sense now. Everything I've read points to you being mentally ill. I wish I'd seen it earlier, but I was too close. I thought it was all my fault, but knowing how your disorder works made me realize how little of it actually was my fault. I can't get you back because you were never fully there to begin with.


You can't blame me anymore. You can't punish me anymore. You can't hurt me anymore.

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I'm sorry it had to end like this, so close to Valentines day-why did you go through my text messages to my mother and threaten to go home like that? You must've known that one day I would agree. I just couldn't ever see myself married to you and I was sick of alway having to initiate conversations, keep them going and make all the effort. I didn't like you buying me stuff because I knew it was your way to keep me with you when you knew this had to end. You emotionally manipulated me for so long that it came to be normal and something I just accepted-your little strops and demands hurt me but I put up with them because I didn't want everything in my life to be a failure.


All the same I miss you so much already and I don't know how I'm going to cope in this horrible house where no-one cares that I've just lost someone special to me. I wish you'd taken my letter before you walked away because I tried to express how I felt in it and why I've done this. I am JUST as sad as you will be now, except you have your family around you and mine are miles away. I am totally sure I made the right decision but it doesn't mean that I'm not heartbroken.

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Today I don't want to hear from you, and have no desire to contact you either. I want your stuff gone and I'd like my stuff back incl my money you owe me. Trying to figure out how to do this without contact. Won't ever moan about living out of an overnight bag again, better that than having to get your stuff back after a BU

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This is so weird - the better I'm feeling, the more I'm getting back to my old self, the more times I feel I want to contact you. I seem to be the opposite of the textbooks! When I was a mess I had so much less temptation to get in touch. I guess it's because I was unsure of my own feelings and I knew it would achieve nothing.


Maybe Valentines is not helping. Although that is just plain weird as I have never received a Valentines card from anybody and am usually not bothered by it at all. I have a fantasy that this year I will get one.


I had a great day out today. Please I don't want to contact you yet. I know I must do it only when I know I can handle whatever reply I might get - and that day hasn't come.


I feel like I'm healing, yet everytime I feel you slipping from my heart I feel the need to hold on just a little bit longer.


Enjoy the game tonight, but I'll be supporting the opposition - vive le France! (Better looking players T! ;-))

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I don't understand how you can tell me you love me forever and ever and two days later you are off the coast with someone... I despise you! I don't know how you sleep at night.... The lies you told me... I don't get it.


I'm so much beter off now that you are out of my life.. forever and ever...

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I miss you. Not in a crazy,desperate way like when we first broke up, but in a longing, empty way. You became a part of me. I just want to talk to you and tell you everything- now we are virtually strangers, indeed you are somebody i used to know. Once, if were apart overnight you would miss me immensely, now, you've made the choice not to have me in your life at all, I'm not sure how. I know I shouldn't want you to come back, but I do. I know it not going to happen, but oh how I wish it would.


I'm trying to get on with my life without you, but there are so many times in each day when you pop into my head, sort of like I'll always carry a burden now- and that burden is missing and loving someone who does not miss and love in return.

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