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I can;t wait to go out clubbing and flirt flirt flirt and get flirted with ooooooh I'm gonna enjoy it, boost my self esteem that you tried to bury.... Somedays i'm sad, not days more minutes hours, and then sometimes I'm really happy, and pure excited, i feel like screaming WHOOHOOO i'm single, and go out with my girls and have the best craic ever, fun fun fun .... I'm only 24, you always made me feel like I was getting so old when you were a year older, cos you knew we were ending so you wanted me to panic that i'm not engaged or not married blah blah blah ...... I haven't been single since I was 17, i'm gonna soak this all up baby WHOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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I feel that we need to talk. There are conversations that were never had, and the need to have them isn't going to go away. I think both of us need it, if only to stop the flow of negative energy I'm sending your way 24/7.

 

I hate saying this, but I think I kind of hate you. Can you reflect on all that has transpired between us and figure out why? If not, i will fill you in, it's only that I don't want to do what I perceive as beating a dead horse, but I'm only making assumptions here so I figured I'd ask. But I have to ask, because your behavior indicates you do not understand that I at least have every reason to hate you, and few reasons to think fondly of you. I actually loved you, and I still do. The things I said were true. Everything I did for a year was based on me thinking the things you said were real, were true. And now you say they were not, and think we are still friends?

 

And you know the worst thing about it all might surprise you, because the truth is that I can deal with you being with another girl--I won't go into the obvious reasons why. But your actions not only negated your entire year's worth of seemingly earnest professions of love, they also negated even that we were ever true friends, and you KNOW how much our friendship meant to me! I am left to accept that the person I thought was my best friend, who loved me truly, was really a terrible person and not a friend at all, and never even loved me. How can I accept that? And the very WORST part is that I know you do not deserve my devotion. It's so infuriating, but I want you to know there is nothing I can do to stem the flow of it, I've been trying for almost a year now. I am just sickeningly and self-insultingly devoted. To me it is, still, a curse. How dare you have gotten so mad at me for correctly identifying you as the band of my existence...ugh, and to think how guilty I felt, and how profusely I apologized.

 

You know what I want, is for you to show that you really are the person I thought you were. The truth is that I know that you are when forced to make my head hurt bending it into thinking logically and rationally. But you are not showing me that side, not at all. It feels like you are deliberately withholding something from me, something that would actually help me to move on. I am like a computer program, "hung up" because of one line of code that doesn't make sense. I can't move on until it's set right. I need you to do this for me.

 

We can be friends. We should be friends. But first...this.

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Trust you to break up with me on the first of the month! It makes the milestones less easy to forget, at least for now. So yep, it's almost the 1st of February, which makes it 5 months since you broke up with me.

 

You know what, as much as I'm moving on, and thinking of you less and less, and when I do it doesn't really hurt all that much now...I still think of us a lot. As a few people above me have said, Musical and Gerda especially, what the hell happened?! What was going on? How could we not really fall out, how could you stutter around and how could you move on that quickly to a new relationship?

 

When I first came to eNA, which I luckily found only 2 days after you ended our relationship, I probably thought what a lot of people do. "He's different", "He wants to still talk to me because he's unsure" "He would never rebound"...I was oh so wrong...

 

You're just a human being with faults and weaknesses like everybody else. Not an uber-God on a pedestal which I grandly put you upon. But I only put you there because I thought you deserved it, I thought you were the bees knees and all, y'know? And you did and still do tick most of the boxes that make me respect someone, but it went a bit further with you. I fell in love with you.

 

I've been doing really well but I just need a little cry again tonight. I'm going to listen to some music now.

 

I do actually think you have replaced me, I don't think you could have moved on that quickly, not that it matters but it fricking hurts...either way it hurts.

 

And going back to the milestone thing, the last time (and only second time) you told me you loved me was the day Amy Winehouse died, a month before we split up, so I'm not likely to forget that in a hurry either.

 

God, even when I'm making so much progress I still have these moments of mad lump-in-the-throat melancholy. When I think I've cried my last tear a few more manage to sneak out a few days later.

 

I'm upset again so I'll say goodnight.

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What do you want from me????

 

I am fine. I dislike you and I am over our relationship. Obviously, not completely over it but the time where it's necessary for us to be in contact FOR ANY REASON has long passed.

Isn't that okay? I really don't have any issues with you anymore.

I'm just not strong enough to defend myself from your criticisms---don't you understand why I don't even want to consider us friends? I only want to be friends with people who treat me well.

 

Yes, there is a part of me that thinks there is a parallel universe where we are married and have kids, but I am actually fine with that. So, we lost something big. You made mistakes, you didn't know what you were doing and you want my approval at the very least.

 

I understand that but I am not physically capable of giving you the validation you are seeking. I think we both made mistakes, and I don't think you were the sole cause of our relationship's demise.

 

Is that what you want to hear?

 

Maybe you want to hear that my life is fabulous, maybe someday I will be able to say that. Right now, I am honestly just proud to have made it this far and I don't think you would understand why. I need to protect myself from your judgement.

 

Is this honestly what you thought? That magically, everything would get better, you'd write me an email about our magical adventures in our youth and maybe meet up for coffee or something to gloat over our awesome lives--and then what, you'd judge me to be good enough for you, at last?

 

and I'd say something about how I understand why you did what you did, solemnly, and you'd be so proud of me for forgiving what you simply had to do, and then you could turn around to your friend's and family and say, see I proved you all wrong after all. It's soooooooooooo disgusting.

 

You are CLUELESS. Clueless to the point of evil. Faux stoicism isn't going to get you anywhere. You are a parody of manhood. What is wrong with you? WAKE UP.

 

I really did see a lot of potential in you--but maybe I only saw what I wanted to see.

What's wrong with you?

 

At this point that is the question in the forefront of my mind. How is that we both call ourselves human when you are nothing like me? Are you mentally ill? Are you just a normal variant of * * * * * * * ?

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I find it funny that I automatically read your last message in the whiny tone of voice I remember you speaking in. I barely remember it but enough of the flavor of it remains for me to--i dont even know

 

The more I write, the more I feel like I actually really just don't like you.

 

I even hate the way you signed your name after the message, as if to emphasize we still had a connection when we don't...I feel like you are this annoying little fly that I just can't seem to hit. My aim is getting better though.

 

Compassion isn't working for me, because when I show THE SLIGHTEST bit of kindness toward you, you seem to take that to mean you can just say whatever you want to me.

 

Maybe on some level you still blame me--seriously, what the hell do you think I did to you? I didn't do anything wrong except--I wasn't sure that I loved you from the beginning. Not the way you said you did. You really are just an idiot.

 

Getting married to you would be a joke actually. You do stupid things like propose to people you don't even know very well. Thank God I know better now.

I hope you enjoy growing the F up. I have and I must say things are much better up here. But like I said, you are not my concern or my responsibility. I'm not your friend.

 

That's right. You don't know me anymore--nor will I give you the privilege of knowing me until I feel like it.

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All the things I've told myself lately like 'I know he loves me, we just can't be together' and ALL the wishing that things were different....missing you, longing for you...kinda all shut down today. I was feeling so lonely earlier, and so vulnerable...and I stupidly texted you. And what do I hear back. Nothing. Not a word. Not a hi, not even faking being polite...nothing. You have never ever done that to me....and I can't help but feel really hurt. At the same time I'm really mad. I feel very stupid for even wanting to talk to you. For making you feel in control like you have some power over me, like you hold the strings. You don't really want me, you don't care about me at all. It's all been a big game to you hasn't it? The last few months, every time you showed what I thought was your true feelings, it was all an act. All I ever was was convenient for you. Maybe just a warm body who could boost your ego, someone you reached out to when you were lonely. I do feel hurt....but I'm more mad. I'm mad at myself mostly.

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I feel so stupid and rejected.

 

I feel so dumb for ever telling you I love you. I feel so disgusted that you are telling her that you love her. Those words are so empty to me now. I never want to feel this way again. I hate you.

 

I hate you for putting up pictures of you two kissing. I hate her for flaunting how "in love and happy" you are. I'm so angry. I know you both do this to be spiteful pieces of sh*t. You are nothing, and I hope everything falls apart for you.

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Saw the pictures you posted on Facebook today. I haven't had any real activity there this week, but some time last week I liked one of your posts where you said "I'm not always right, but if I do make a mistake at least I know that it was MY decision, MY choice to search for a better life, and at least I'll now that I didn't live based on someone else's advice, someone who didn't go through the things I did." So you kinda know I've been looking through your stuff. The pictures you posted were of you, your best friend (the one who always takes your side even when you're wrong) and the guy you've been talking to for the last year or so before you broke off our engagement. It doesn't seem that you're getting that much attention from your e-friends, so you had to post petty comments about how much you love that one picture or how beautiful his eyes are. When I read those comments I sort of got this nasty feeling in my stomach, but then it stopped almost immediately. Well, this sudden stop hadn't happened before.

 

I tested myself a couple more times today, saw that you "liked" someone's post that said "I don't wish you anything bad, I think you got enough issues after losing me." Surprisingly, I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be after reading that. I began wondering about the horrible things that I must have done to you for you to think that way about me, but then it hit me... You're still looking for validation, still hoping that more of your friends take your side. You know that I loved you more than anything else. Sure, I was horrible at displaying affection towards you, but the feelings were there. The actions were mostly there. So, what gives? You hate me now, is that it?

 

As these thoughts ran through my mind, I realized that I'm becoming a * * * * * . I'm paying way too much attention to the things you do, the things you say. You can't even understand yourself, why should I try doing so? I'm old enough to know that I shouldn't be playing these stupid games with you. You're acting like a little brat, the same way you acted the last time you dumped me. So, I'm going to do things differently. From now on, I'm telling myself you're no longer the most important thing that's ever happened in my life. You really were not... I've done a lot of cool things during my life, and I'm going back to those things that I enjoyed doing before I met you. I had a personality, and some people actually enjoyed hanging out with me before I started seeing you. Someone out there thought I was funny. So, to the hell with you and this other guy. I thought I was in love with you, but today I realized that I'm in love with some of the great qualities you have, not the whole psycho package. Good luck getting a 19-year-old kid to put up with your non-sense. He won't, and you know it. That, however, is no longer my issue.

 

Day 1 of me loving myself again.

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Today makes 1 month of NC. I left you exactly on NYE. I couldnt take the emotional abuse anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore, I did my best understanding, did my best in being patient but geez, i'm only human. I didn't just leave because of that one reason, but many other reasons that have occurred over the course of a year I was with you. I had to think of myself. I didn't see a future with you anymore, I couldn't see myself marrying you anymore. I just couldn't see myself living with you. I just couldn't take it. I tried, honestly, I tried. I know you have issues, we all do, but you just don't treat someone you like that or say horrible things about my family. I already knew you were no longer the one for me 3-4 months prior but I just had to see because I really wanted us badly. I just hoped things would change. I just hoped that you would just wake up one day and say to yourself "what the hell am I doing, I can't treat this person I love like this." It never happened. It was going downhill. The argument on NYE sparked the final moments. Breaking up via texting is crap but that is how you liked to communicate so I left it at that. I don't need closure because it comes from within. I wish you well. Hopefully you take time to figure out want went wrong in this relationship as I am doing so it doesn't happen in your next. I'm not saying you have a disorder and i'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist to diagnose you but your symptoms are very clear and real. Good luck to you and your future. Goodbye

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Why? Why can't you see how much i still care? Can't you see my tears, my sad face, my broken smile? You have hurt me more then i have ever been hurt before in my life and i still love you so much. I just today found out that you cheated on me sexually while we were dating... i want to be mad. I want to hate you, but my heart cares too much. You have told me lies, broken my heart, and made me into a shell of the person i once was... am i that easy to get over? Why can't you look at me? Look at me and smile... please... just smile for me. just once... please...

 

I still care...

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I dreamt I was kissing you last night - ugh! - I haven't had that type of dream about you for ages. It was very enjoyable but I felt unsettled when I woke up. I still have a bad throat )-:

 

I don't want you (I've gone through too much pain this last few months) yet I still struggle with letting you go. I hope you haven't got a girlfriend yet. I don't want it to be easy for you. You wanted to know if I felt ready 'to try moving on'. I feel patronised actually. I know it's because you feel bad and you feel a little guilty for my pain. But what do you expect? You said things that made me feel I was special to you! Maybe I just have too high expectations of people but I never said anything to you I didn't mean. I was actually very careful about that. I know it was early days, I know you cared about me, but you also knew I was afraid and you weren't careful enough with your actions and messages and the things you said. I just will never understand how spectacularly things changed in such a short space of time.

 

No girl will ever come close to me T. I think you will start to realise it. The sad thing is if you had realised it about 3 months ago, I'd have given it a go. I truly would. Because I felt you were running scared and apprehensive of what a relationship entails. I understood that because I'm that way too. I am so used to being on my own that it does frighten me. But I also know I do not want to always be on my own and that I was prepared to take a leap into the unknown. But now, now no. I know it wouldn' happen anyway, but even if it did it wouldn't be something I'd want.

 

I have cried so many tears. I lost 10lb in weight that first month (it's back on now lol!) and I ended up with about 6 weeks of terrible anxiety and depression. I felt so empty I don't know how I managed to go to work every single day and just about function. I'm no longer in that place and am moving forward, but I've hit a plateau and I just can't fully let go, because you were so good to me and helped me in many ways.

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How could our beautiful love story turn into this? Can't you see how perfect we were for each other? All the things we did, places we went and plans we made for the future. Do these mean nothing now? Although I'm longing to have you back, to return to how we were, I know this is not possible. I miss the girl you used to be, not who you became. Is she still inside you or is she gone forever?

 

You meant everything to me and right up until the day we broke up, I would have easily called myself the happiest guy in the world. Not a day went passed that I didn't thank my lucky stars for the extensive amount of coincidences that brought us together 2 1/2 years ago.

 

Although accepting that I've lost you is getting easier, it doesn't mean that each day that goes past isn't heartache. I wish that we could have given our relationship another chance, for it all to end without warning is the hardest thing to understand.

 

I remember the day you looked into my eyes with tears in yours and said from the bottom of your heart, 'My only fear is that one day we'll grow old and have to say goodbye.' From that point on I knew we were soulmates, and I know we still are. You'll see it one day and regret all the pain you've put me through, although it'll be too late for us.

 

I love you and always will, you taught me to use my heart to love, but also how it feels when this same heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. I miss you, my lover, my soulmate and my best friend.

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Twice in one day I'm writing to you. If that's what it takes to get me through for now, I'll do it. It really doesn't help that I'm not feeling well.

 

I took the day off sick and just did about an hour's work on my laptop. I was thinking. You got unwell a lot. Another thing that made you like me. Silly, but I wondered if you were really quite an anxious person underneath and that made you get run-down. I know that's how I am. Just rambling now..........

 

It's five months since I heard your voice. It's funny, because you'd think in that space of time the memory of your voice would be fading. The problem is you had the sexiest voice - it made me feel attracted to you very quickly. I have always had a thing about voices and yours did it for me (-: You thought it was funny when I told you, because to you it was plain. You just didn't see it! I can hear it in my head right now.

 

Despite your shyness and modesty and lack of confidence, you still had that Irish charm that bowled me over, damn you. I hope you're not using it on someone else tonight )-: I am still so hung up on you maybe being with someone else. I have won the battle of dreaming of you coming back and saying you made a mistake (that took me a few months - how embarrassing to fantasise about something that would never become a reality). But I have two other things to get over:

 

1) thinking about you with someone else and feeling upset about it

2) feeling like I will never meet someone as special again

 

I guess at least one out of three is a start. No pressure on myself, just one step at a time.

 

I feel unwell and I would love to have a strong, safe hug from a man who cares about me. I'm kind of tired of always functioning with little or no affection from anyone. Today is a bit rubbish.

 

Onwards and upwards (-:

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I've had the worst 24 hours I've had for a while, although right this second I'm not too bad. I got really upset last night for some reason, nothing specific triggered it off, but I got very worked up about everything.

 

I woke up this morning exhausted, dragged myself out of bed, took my little one to school and I had to fight that awful lump in my throat. I made myself go to work and it was a welcome distraction, although I had little to no concentration and energy. I yawned a lot! And I left my mobile phone there today too...no great disaster but that's not really like me, I'm usually a lot more switched on.

 

And when I came home, the raging thoughts started again. I got upset that the last time you hugged me was in September (the first time we met up after breaking up) and if I had known that then, that it was the last hug, then I wouldn't have let you go I'm angry at you at the way you cut me off, and I'm angry at myself for so many reasons. When I went to pick my daughter up from school I looked accross the playing field and a stupid "What if?" scene, of you running accross the school yard to throw your arms around me and to say you're sorry, entered my very fragile head. Ridiculous! As if that would happen! But my mind still conjures up the strangest things from time to time...

 

I suppose it's just bizarre that you, the source of my pain, isn't even in my life any more but continues to affect it so much. No contact for 2 months now since you said you can't be in touch. Strange choice of words but I have respected that. You blocked me on FB, I deleted your phone numbers long ago. How awfully sad it came to this when there was quite obviously a lot of love there, although I think my love was stronger.

 

But this was YOUR choice. You chose to break things off and jump straight into a new relationship. I have chosen to take my time, feel everything I do and not punish myself for loving you and dealing with the fallout that has arisen from the end of our time together.

 

I am truly saddened by all this. I'm not perfect but I did my best for you at all times, I loved, honoured and respected you, went out of my way for you, never took you for granted, gave you the space you desired...when I look back I don't think there is much I would have or could have done differently.

 

I sometimes wish I could talk to you in person again, but I'm not sure if or when that will happen, and I will never initiate contact with you again.

 

Do you miss me? I hope so. In fact I hope the decision you made to enter a new relationship makes you realise what you have lost. Me. She is not me. And even if you didn't want to be with me forever, there is no denying what we had, the bond, chemistry, understanding and friendship. Wheeling in a replacement might backfire, sweetheart.

 

I think it's this week you go on your romantic trip abroad as well, isn't it? Have fun, and as you walk around the art galleries as we used to do on our days out, think of me once, because however much your new girl appreciates you, I can safely say I once felt one hundred times stronger.

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Had lunch with a friend today. She's also going through a crappy breakup so she understands a lot of what's going on with me. Here's what's interesting about her breakup: the guy was a complete tool, treated her like * * * * and she still manages to miss his good side. She's still in love with him... I never treated you like dirt, did I? I believe I treated you more than nicely, even when you deserved some good old honesty. I always kept my cool... I'm keeping my cool as I watch you flirt with the other guy... Interestingly enough, I'm becoming more apathetic when it comes to those things.

 

Also, quit acting like I just gave up on you... Maybe that's you're telling yourself at this point to get over me... Ah, but you know me too well! I'm not a quitter, I'm simply choosing to suppress any feeling that I may have for you.

 

I'm stronger than you, I've always been that way. Don't need a thousand friends to get over you either. All I need is God, my family, and my good friend. I don't wish you any ill, I just know you're not going to get too far with this.

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There are two side to everything and right now this is my battle:

My mind hates your guts, hates everything about you and wishes you would just dissappear from the face of the earth.

My heart wants you back, still loves you, and it forgives you for everything you did.

 

I don't know which to listen to... i don't miss you, i miss who you used to be.

 

 

Every time you smile, the room lights up, people around you smile... and i die a little more knowing that smile will never again be for me.

 

I hate what you have become and what you've turned me into. I miss who you were. I miss the real you.

 

My joy warms my heart, but my sadness covers my soul.

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Im just not ever going to have another relationship. * * * * you and the jaded bastard you have made me into. I never deserved this. You owed me more.

 

Mate don't worry. Don't let what others have done affect you. You need to be an individual that can live your own life the way you want to live it.

 

Don't take anything too serious man.

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I had a sexual dream about you last night )-: I was on a cruise ship and there were all of these hidden rooms and doors everywhere and I was lost. I went through one door and you were lying on a bed. Next thing I'm there too and you don't want to do anything with me, we're just lying side by side. Then things start to happen and it was so realistic. But we were kissing and it didn't actually feel that good. I still carried on. Then I woke up. I think I made myself wake up and I felt dreadful.

 

I feel so confused. I guess I just feel starved of affection right now. I feel unwell and angry. Angry that you let me down. Angry that you don't care about me and I care about you. Angry that this is taking so flipping long to get through. I don't think being ill helps my state of mind at all. I hope you feel lonely because despite my kind, caring nature, I have gone through so much crap and you should have treasured me.

 

I feel like I'm slipping backwards )-:

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