Yoruame

I have been doing so much better since I found your new account. All this time, I had imagined you hurting, crying and feeling terrible, but actually you were laughing, having fun, making jokes with friends and flirting with other girls (just like when we were still together, how nice). The only one who was hurting, feeling terrible and crying was me, like always. Of course, you'll convince all of your friends that I'm a terrible person. I don't care because I'll never see or talk to those people, though. It's weird how you were always trying to make me feel terrible when actually YOU were the one who was hurting ME, just no one ever saw it. They only saw your charming, joking side and wondered why I kept running away from you. They didn't see what you were really doing or how you were really treating me. I'm through feeling sorry for you, I'm only fooling myself when I do that. I felt better because I realized I have no reasons to feel sorry or feel guilty. You really are a cad and you'll never regret how you treated me, will you? You'd have to have compassion for that, which is a word I'm sure you don't know. Dodged a major bullet with you!!

I'm surprised that I've lasted this long without contacting you. Last month was very hard, as I knew it would be. Despite everything that has happened, which one should just turn from and never look back, there were still moments where the urge to contact you was so strong, particularly when I checked on you (knowing I shouldn't, yeah) and saw that you didn't seem to be doing so well. At least you've always been surrounded by friends to get you through hard times though, while I always have to deal with things on my own. I guess that made me feel a little less sorry for you. Seeing you got rid of your account though, I'm not sure how to feel about that. It's relieving and sad at the same time. Relieving because...it will help both of us move on. Sad because...part of me will always wish it didn't have to be this way. All things aside though, I really do hope this is a turning point in both of our lives and that now we can go on to peace and accomplishment in both of our lives. I do wish you the best.

I felt so relieved and happy when I finally deleted that Facebook account that I didn't even want to make in the first place, but did to appease you because you kept hounding me about it so much. I hated being surrounded by all the negativity and being treated like an object that was only there to make you not look like so much of a loser, I guess. I was always depressed, empty and angry in your presence and I'm glad it's over, but where is this sadness coming from? My chest hurts. I keep having to look through my old diary to remember all the things you did that I did not deserve and never want to go through with anyone else again. You've become so disgusting that I didn't think it was still possible to miss you or maybe its the familiarity I miss? I don't know. This is so weird. I guess it will take awhile yet.

So this is really it. Well, at least we finally both agree on something - that our relationship is non-existant. You know what's funny....I'm always attributing emotions or thoughts to you that I don't think you're even feeling. Here I was, feeling somber and regretful because I really hate to be on bad terms with anyone..as well as hating to feel as if I failed at something i put so much effort towards...but when I looked at your page, you seem just fine and dandy. Really, I think it will be much harder for me to move on from this than it will be for you. There is so much I've gone through over the past eight years that you never knew about or seemed to notice. I don't know why I'm feeling sorry for you, when you did so much to hurt me, yet spun it back at me like I'm the reason you did such things. Gah, I never thought I'd get around someone who was so much like my dad. This was the main reason I left, too. I couldn't stand the thought of us becoming my parents (or yours!) and as horrible as things already were with just us, thank heavens we never had kids, though you said before it was your intention to trap me so I couldn't leave (who says stuff like that??). I hate it when I miss the fantasy you, because I know that's not the real you. I feel somewhat psycho myself in that way.. *sigh*. Anyway, wow.. I'm free, really really free. I know inside it is a good thing, yet, I feel nearly as empty as this room I'm sitting in right now... By the way, thanks for not talking to me when I was on messenger. No, I mean it! If you would have talked to me, I would have talked to you and either we'd go back to square one, or it'd be another horrible experience of accusation-flinging and arguing. I hate having the bad memories I have, I don't need to acquire more, especially when I feel hurt right now. I'm glad you didn't talk to me. I'm even gladder that I saw your new status. Making it official in itself is enough of a closure for me. Now that the door is closed, I won't keep banging into it as I'm fumbling around in this dark confusion of what direction I should start going with my life. I won't worry about you anymore; you have a lot of support and will be just fine. It's myself that I need to look after.

I'm glad I've found this place, because posting here is infinitely better than contacting you again. I can't and won't do it again, no matter how much I want to, sometimes. In the last three years since we had gotten back together, I've lost count of how many times I have tried to leave. Really, though I do love you, you do too many things that disappoint me, sadden me and lower my respect for you - not because I hold you to any impossible standard; I just want you to be healthy, happy and respectful of yourself and others. I don't know WHY you have to do the things that you do, then you wonder why you're in the messes you're in. It's always everyone else's fault, and at that, usually the people closest to you who do the most to try to help you. When I think about a relationship with you, it is fraught with so many problems, but I tried to stay because I know you are an all-or-nothing type of person and we had been through so much that I couldn't stand the thought of not having you in my life. Most of all, I missed the person you were, the one you first showed me, but you're not even him anymore. Was he ever real? There were things you lied about from day one, so maybe that person I loved so much was never anything more than a carefully constructed fantasy. The real you was a total 180° from the person you led me to believe you were and in the years since, you've only gotten worse. You don't even try to hide it now, but instead display your perversions, negativity and sometimes total ignorance, for the world to see. Sometimes I'm amazed that you aren't embarrassed at all. That's how you want people to see you? Well, better for them to know up front, I suppose. I don't even know now what day it was when I last talked to you. I purposely tried not to pay attention, because I don't want any specific date to remember. I just feel so exhausted with this already. It has been one of the factors impeding my own progress for a LONG time, but I'm doing something now that you always prevented me from doing with your blaming and guilt tripping; I'm taking care of myself, being responsible and taking steps to create the life that I want for myself - something you could do too, if you weren't too busy feeling like the world owes you all the time, but hey, what do I know? Take that money and go get drunk; it's not like you could be saving it for anything important.