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Almost two months after our breakup and I still feel lost. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. How could you do this to me and say you love me? With no explanation whatsoever after a two year relationship and engagement!

 

Last week, I felt like I was doing much better. This week I can't stop crying and feel depressed all over again. I still have insomnia, and no appetite. I really hope there is such a thing a karma.

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most days i'm happy. some days i still miss you. at times i still love you. never do i regret leaving you.

it still hurts sometimes. friends and family still ask me if we could be together again. i still tell them no.

hoping for brighter and better days. perhaps maybe one day my heart will open up again. for the time being it's closed shut.

no one will replace me. no one will replace you. it is what it is. one day at a time.

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I know we don't have everything that a successful and flourishing marriage should have, but we were best friends. The past few days have been so hard. I have never broken down so much ever in my life. I spontaneously burst into tears throughout the day, my heart feels very heavy, and I wake up several times in the middle of the night only to realize that you are no longer with me. I know this breakup is mutual, but to tell you the truth, they never are. As many problems we have with each other, I still didn't want to let you go. But I opened up my heart and let you go because I know that that's what you wanted. There is never a good time to break up, but I do feel like this is a very bad timing. I am starting a new job far away and you are currently jobless. I worry about many things. Sadly you also chose this same time to let yourself get carried away and fall in love with someone else. You know I can never be mad at you for too long, but telling me not to contact your new lover for any reason was not nice. You know it very well that I would never ever do such a thing. It just tells me that you are blinded by your newfound love. I hope you are making the right choice in life and I hope it all works out for you. Most of all I just want you to further your career and be happy. I will gladly crush my heart and my feelings if you are able to make yourself happy. The road that lies ahead is very dark and very hard and it terrifies me. I will love you forever as I am sure you will also. Goodbye my love. Go find your happiness.

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I feel so upset right now. NC since December and I still think about you every day and how I would love us to try again. I've improved so much, you should see me, I'm finally following my aspirations and things I want to do in life, I'm so much happier; I love it. But despite not needing you to make me happy I would still choose to have you in my life to make it oh so much better.

 

But her? I don't want her in my life at all. I hate to see her manipulate you and be such a poisonous snake; I know it must be hard to see from the inside but I wish so much you would understand it is all fake and to leave her. Please I still care about you and want to see you happy (even if that is without me) I do not want to see her hurt you; burn your life to the ground like I know she will. If you must be with her I urge you to get her into therapy but I doubt she would go. Please it is not worth it, run now and live your life free of the pain she intends to bear upon you.

 

I just want you to be safe and happy and it know you are not, I can just feel it. I want you to know you are cared for and loved.

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Hey A. Happy birthday. I can't believe today marks a whole year since we've been apart. 7 years was a long time...don't you think. I'm not mad at you anymore...i'm not depressed anymore. I'm just....picking up the pieces. College has been keeping my mind off of the pain but I'm ok. I just wanted to say that I miss you...everyday. You're still the first person I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. When I close my eyes, you're face is what I see .....even though it isn't as clear as it used to be.

 

Happy 22nd birthday....I wish you love and happiness even if all of that excludes me. Even though you left me for her, I hope your relationship thrives. I want for all the luck and for all the good things in life to come your way. I hope you exceed in your degree and I hope that your beautiful smile shines more brightly than ever. Take good care of yourself.

~love k

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My Dearest,

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to say anything to you. After all, you never listened to me before. Your blatant disregard for my feelings, even when you claimed to be in love with me has left me still wondering if those three words you told me were ever true. All the days you chose to ignore me. Then wondered why I became distant. The list of things you told me you'd never do for me. Like laying bed with me in the morning for a little while... Or sitting down to chat with me while I worked. I think about all of the things you reminded me about me that made you mad or irritated. I can still here those words ringing in my ears. I think about the tests you said you gave me. Laying still to see if I would touch you. Little did I know since I could never read your mind. Or maybe I read it too well. I remember the nightmares I had about you with someone else. I never had solid proof, but your actions indicate I may have been right. My intuition told me that you would hurt me. That was a painful prophecy. I recall the day I left. How you stood in the doorway with a cold look ok your face while I was broken. I hugged you tightly and felt nothing from you in return. Nothing is all you gave me of yourself. The last words I told you that day was that I love you. You turned around and walked away, got in your car and never once looked back. I had to travel 3 states away to get back to my family. You never even checked to see if I got home alright. I never understood what I did to make you so angry. To make you yell or throw things. I never understood how you could act so cold while I cried when you said things that really did break my heart. Never did I get a sincere apology from you when you did any of those things. Now you have to obligation to do so. Apparently you didn't feel an obligation then, either. I remember telling you time and time again that all I wanted was for you to be happy and now that I'm gone, you are. You said no one ever loved you as much as I did. You were right. Still you chose to release me. Was it out of mercy because you could see what you were doing to me? Or was it because you just had to see more of the world and I was just a hindrance to that? I'll never know. I'll never ask. Why do I still love you after everything I just described? It's because I believed in you. I saw the tender sides of you that eventually faded into a hatred and resentment of me. I was too emotional. I cried to often. I didn't smile enough. Don't you think I wanted to be happier? And don't you think any of my unhappiness has anything to do with how you made me feel? You always did tell me that you already knew what was going to happen. You've been through it before. I was so hoping I could change your mind, but you never gave me the opportunity to. You never believed in us the way I did. Now you get to see the green grass on the other side, but soldier? You did something wrong. You left someone behind. You led me into a minefield and made me a casualty to the war in your mind. You said you would never hurt me. You were partially correct. You chose to kill me instead. Goodbye.

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Hm very odd. I don't believe you at all. I know you think I am nice so that makes me gullible and I take things for how they appear but you don't know how I think and see things... I see what doesn't add up very clearly. My 2 and 2 doesn't equal what you offered. I was polite and didn't let on but now the wheels are turning. I hate not knowing for certain. Gah why can't some people ever be honest. I always feel it is a case of the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree scenario which you always denied and got pissy about whenever even suggested makes me think the pissyness was because you knew I saw it same as you saw it in yourself. Hope not, you should want more for whatever family you decide to have and should want to be the dad you didn't have. Even as hurt as I am I always championed for that for you.

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I havent talked to you in 30 days... No idea whats going on in your life, i hope its going well. I miss you so much and it feels my love for you is only growing, i may never get over you. Im living my life and have made amazing changes and my parents are happy im acting like a "man" for the first time in my life, like the guy you always said you wanted. I just want another chance to show you one day, i know for a fact that i am the man you want now. I know that wont happen soon, i would love to show you in a few months once our emotions cool down and we are both back home, you know how much fun summers are with me, we have amazing memories. I dont know if ill ever let go of hope for us, i dont know if i want to, maybe im just scared to really let go cause i know it could be better then ever. I miss you and love you.

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I'm not sure how to address you anymore and I can't imagine why I should be occupying space in my mind that you don't deserve. However, my heart has always been able to trump that. My mind knows it could've never worked out. My heart isn't so convinced. It's been 6 weeks now. Your dedication to yourself is admirable. I wish I could be as focused on myself as you are on yourself.

 

So tell me... Did she make you smile today? Is she pretty? Is she funny? Are you giving her the same tired lines you gave me? You are so easy to fall for. Did she tell you that you deserved better than me? Please tell her that I appreciated her lovely comment on our picture together a few months ago. "Adorable couple". That was an especially nice touch. I'm so glad you have someone to talk to now, like me early on, who has no idea what she's in for. Did you tell her about your "problem"? You might want to let her know this. It's the least you can do. Don't put her at the same disadvantage as me.

 

What I really want to say now is that the thoughts of you no longer bring me joy. They make me sick. I can't look at your pictures. The crazy thing is that I love you, but I don't like you anymore. I don't pine for you. You disappointed me in ways you can't even imagine. You're a tool. You're a master manipulator. You'll never be happy unless you can find someone who will enjoy your indifference to them and your colorful ways of expressing your anger. I honestly can't give you a free pass because of your psychological problems. There is right and there is wrong. If my dad were alive, he would've kicked your ass for the way you disrespect the women in your life. Including the way you treat your mother. I should've known then. You always told me you were a piece of sh*t and I always thought you just wanted to hear me say "Oh baby no you're not". I'm thoroughly convinced that you meant that in every possible way. Screw you and your lies. I don't care about you anymore. How can I love you and not care about you? The same way I can love a movie, but don't need to watch it everyday. You've been demoted. You don't even have a name anymore. You're just an ex. "That guy".

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It's been over 8 weeks since we last spoke. I'm feeling pretty low today.

There is someone else I am interested in, but I'm not sure where that will lead.

Haven't checked your facebook page in 19 weeks.

I am just really feeling low. I feel like I don't have any grounding. Soon, my program will be over, and I will need to look for work, and go to school.

There is so much that just feels so wrong.

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You... I've tried so hard to understand why you treated me so coldly. Why you kept me in tears and afraid. Why you let me believe that I was the one who brought out your anger. Why you used back handed compliments. Why you let me fall to pieces and never once offered me a hand when you knocked me down with your words. I know now why all of the above. You are an abuser. You leave your bruises on the inside. You know you have a problem. You never loved me or appreciated me. You led me to the "promised land" only to break down the walls to hell instead. I will not waste one more moment of my life pondering your actions anymore. What you've done is inexcusable. I know I reacted emotionally at the end, but with your trickle of love you gave me, it drove me mad. If I was crazy, you made me that way. Backed me into corners and made me feel like the act of wanting to discuss our life together was such a terrible thing. It's because that was a dream that I was living. How could I lose someone I never even had? I showed up for our relationship. You always found a way to be conveniently absent and uninvolved or uninterested. Most people can split amicably and just deal with the pain and move on, but you... You walked away unscathed and with much more of me than I ever should've given you. Now I have to learn how to be me again. How to trust again and how to love someone else again. You stole my identity by making me question everything I did. It was never good enough for you. You always found something wrong. Always. You never celebrated me or us. Again, because you were absent. Get help. Thanks for passing the scar of PTSD onto me now. Now I have to deal with flashbacks and paranoia. Because of what you have bestowed upon me now, I have learned more about you. I felt sorry for you and would've stood by your side when you were being healed and going through therapy. Now I have your social disorder and not because of the horrors of war, but the horrors of YOU. I'm sorry I have nothing more nice to say, but you created this demon inside of me that I need to exorcise. I will heal from this in time and will still be a good person as I always was to you. Because even though I now bear your cross, I have the presence of mind to know what it is. You, on the other hand will always abuse and use your personal issues as your excuse. There isn't a reason to treat someone who trusts and loves you the way you treated me. Problems or not. There is right and wrong. Real men don't demean their women. Real men don't give up the way you did so very easily. Stay out of my life. You've done quite enough.

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I can't believe how much I've missed you these past couple of days. It's actually rather frustrating.

 

Why can I not get over this? Why can I not let go?

I still think you are here, I still get excited for my future with you WHY?!

 

I've done everything to try and heal. I haven't spoken to you in nearly 3 months, I hang out and have fun with friends, I've started my own e-commerce, I've taken up new hobbies I enjoy, I'm keeping fit, I'm following new ventures, I should have a new job soon, no momentos, you're definitely off the pedestal, I'm even sort of seeing a new guy! And yet I'm still not over you. I still want to talk to you again, I still want you to break it off with that spiteful psycho, I still want us to try again.

 

I even have days where I am happy, like really happy and they are not rare. But everyday, everyday without fail I think about you and want to fix this.

 

Argh it's so aggravating. Why can I get over this!

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The truth please, what you and other men don't realize is you should tell the truth about things, especially big issues because when you lie and we find out which we will always find out because someone or several someones knows your truth and are happy to rat you out on it. Least with the truth we can still respect you and trust you, somewhat when you lie you hurt us and we can no longer respect or trust you. It imo is so much worse to lie, it is cowardice.

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I still miss you. I have a stupid heart. I know you have already moved on. It is frustrating to still care. You don't love me! You didn't think I was worth keeping. Do I want you out of familiarity. What if I can't love anyone else? That would suck. I guess you don't seeing as you're all in love with Kirsty but do you ever think of me fondly? Sob!

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I made a commitment to you. I meant it when I told you I loved you. I believed and trusted your words when you said you loved me forever and didn't want anybody else.

 

We were two people in canoes, paddling at the same speeds towards the same goal. You slowed down because u were lost, I slowed down with u and gave u encouragement. We carried on together at the same speeds, you slowed down again, instead of saying "babe, wait for me to catch my breath" you stopped, you gave up on us. Now I'm carrying on, myself on this journey we took on together.

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I deleted your number , pics & email year & half ago yet my heart still long to hear ur voice and to see u again. I just wish if I can forget you the way u did , they always say fall in love again but I'm terrified I can't have my heart to be broken again I'm trying to fix it still. Why you left me ?? I was fool for believing in you I was just this stupid girl you used to pass time till you go back to your ex wife . How naive was I ? You must be very happy for fooling me but I hope that you are having the time of your life cuz God will never forget me.

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