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Nynnja
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Haha there are many many thoughts I think I knew that I've been denying, or maybe just really reluctant to accept.

In the back of my mind, even after dating you for this short period of time, I knew we had a year at the most. I had faith in you and chose to ignore my intuition, but I knew. And now, its the same thing when I just felt that we'll never date again. It's because you really just stopped loving me. And that's the ultimate finality of everything that I'm trying to accept. That its so hard to grab and hold on to, because I need to learn to just let go. Our chapter has closed and I'll put you on my bookshelf, and maybe one day when I'm cuddling with another man, I'll pull you out and think of you. I know we're done, and I wish you well, truly. Because I loved you unconditionally, with everything I had.

 

Now there's absolutely no turning back. Maybe in the end, we were just not as compatible as I thought. I will face forward with everything I have. Loving you was easy, you had many many things I wanted in a man. Letting go will be difficult, but I know I'm already on the road. Thank you for teaching me what a healthy relationship is like, thank you for teaching me what I like, thank you for showing me what character and values are, and thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for showing me I should have goals and dreams, thank you for caring for me when I needed you, and thank you for setting me off on my life journey. One day I will find another man who will reflect all of this back to me, when I become someone like that. And you will remain a precious antique book on my bookshelf.

 

Thank you for everything, I really mean it. And really, I wish you the best. I hope you realize that every word I've said about being grateful and appreciative has been the truth. And honestly, I think the reason we didn't work out in the end, is because you're at a different stage of life than me. Maybe I'm nearly there in being a woman, and maybe you're just a second away from being a man. I hope you find who you're looking for, and I will smile one day for the both of you.

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After 4 months of break up and 2 months of NC, i still love you and miss you. I still think about you everyday. I don't know how long will i be thinking of you and loving you. I already accepted the fact that we wont be together again. So far I am fine, I can go on with my life one day at a time. Though i still cry once in awhile, I can already bear the pain i feel everyday. I am getting used with this feeling loneliness but at the end of the day, when silence and darkness comes, feeling of emptiness hits me. I love you. I feel sorry for everything. I know you had loved me.

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I think if you knew how much this loss hurt, I think you'd be more careful with who you choose to date. But unfortunately, I have to bare and grit through the uneasiness of now, and come out more whole than before, while you move on and heal in a totally different way. Even in it hurts right now, I know, your loss is totally different.

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i miss you. it's been three weeks since you told me you didn't love me anymore and it's only been 6 days since we haven't spoken, but i feel like it's been a lifetime. i miss when you used to call me each morning. i always feel the anxiety in the morning. we're states away now but i really thought you'd at least text me to ask if i made it safely. you used to care so much about me. i was your everything. i understand we had arguments, i understand we didn't agree on everything, and i understand we are two different people, but was there really so much wrong with us? am i really that bad? i'm scared i will never find anyone as good as you and i'm scared i'll never be able to move on. everyone is telling me to focus on myself but even that doesn't work i just feel worse. i want to lay in bed forever and never get up. everything seems pointless. how could you just fall out of love with me? you were my best friend. now what are we? we are nothing. we are strangers. i pictured us together forever, i really did. but you left me. you gave up on me. was it all so horrible? all the little reasons you left me were so minuscule it makes no sense. i will never understand. you said to me 'we all have to take chances and if it doesn't work just move on' i guess i valued you a little more than that to just be able to feel like you were so disposable. i miss you and i miss us. i miss everything. i hope one day i will look back and think it was for the best but at this time i feel like nothing worse could have happened. i miss you so much. i hope you miss me too. i honestly hope you're regretting everything but i doubt it. you've probably already moved on and found someone else you are interested in. i guess it all just meant so much more to me than it ever did to you. you broke my heart into pieces and i don't know if it will ever fully heal.

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What the . I had to unblock my ex on Facebook because of mutual groups and meetings. As soon as I do, I see like a ton of her comments on the statuses that I was involved in. She proceeds to talk to one of the church members (a male, with a boyfriend, who's balding, but they're pretty close as friends) about going to Kelowna…. and how she loves it, and how she would get up early in the morning to cook before she goes.

 

We went to Kelowna together!!!!! For the first time and we were mesmerized and we wanted to buy a place there. Like seriously?? Is this her lashing out? SHe hasn't made a single mistake before this and now this happens..

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you taught me so much. and really im grateful for all those years. im sorry for the jealousy and my over sensitive nature at times. im sorry i gave you the impression nothing ever was good enough, that i didnt spend enough money on you, that i couldnt always be open and honest about what was going on with me, that i wasnt man enough to tell you enough is enough when you walked all over me and trampled my heart.

 

deep down i know i was good to you and had good intentions up till 3.5 years into our RS.

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Here I am crying over you while you're out with some guy. I miss the old relationship we had. The holiday we took. How we fell asleep holding each other's hands, how I used to carry u to bed after a night at work, how we took a tandem bike ride in a new country. How could u forget our dreams? Our plans? Our kids we imagined? Their names, their school, how they'd become doctors.

 

I always believed in you and loved you with all my heart, we went through a rough patch but so do relationships. I miss you. I miss your smell, your body next to mine. Your voice.

 

Why did you give up on me? I never once considered giving up on you. I would always be by your side. I promised. You broke your promise.

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I love you, you love me. But I am codependant with my mother. I enable her bad behavior. Although I love you, I was VERY unhappy with the sex. Why do I keep settling for less than I deserve? You should have been doing everything you could to satisfy my needs in bed, and you didn't. How do you not know that you're a bad lover? How are you not aware? Not only did you not like going down on me, you didn't like it when I went down on you. You said you preferred vaginal sex.

 

The single time we had anal sex, you said "don't be offended, but I need to take a shower now." You are quirky. Outside of the bedroom I loved your quirkiness. But inside the bedroom, I coudn't pinch your nipples because they are sensitive, I couldn't scratch your skin when having sex again because you have sensitive skin. I couldn't rub your testacles when going down on you because that tickled you.

 

Outside the bedroom, our compatibility is through the roof. I had no complaints. We made an awesome team. This break up isn't because of anything or I did, its because of my mother's disapproval of you because of race. You bowed out of my life because you don't want to be responsible for breaking up a family. You said you aren't gong anywhere, you are here for me. And I know logically that loves doesn't just disappear after a break up. It takes time to fall out of love with someone, just like it takes time to fall IN love with them.

 

I really feel like you will be back after I move out. But I really thought I would have heard from you by now since Sunday. I feel like a child that not hearing from you for four days is hurting me like this. But like I said to you, you became my best friend. I loved talking to you every night. I loved spending my weekends with you.

 

If we don't reconcile, I think it will be because it wasn't meant to be because of our sexual incompatibility. That's the only problem we had, aside from my mother, who shouldn't even be an issue. You weren't dating her, you were dating me.

 

I am stronger than I realize. I can do this. I can move out and make it on my own, taking care of my son. I'm in school working on my Bachelor's. I'm doing volunteer work to make a difference in the world. I have surrounded myself with a great support system in my friends.

 

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. This is just another prong on the ladder to my strength.

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Well, I guess that's that. No more common ground, no more mutual fb stalking. There was that one incident of phishing, don't know why. Maybe you were just bored. I still feel I was special to you, and I am grateful you made sure I knew. You were special to me too, if also deeply painful. Because of you I am a stronger better me. So much to miss, except it was obscured by ptsd, self-defense, fear.

 

As 100x before, bye, again.

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Well, I guess that's that. No more common ground, no more mutual fb stalking. There was that one incident of phishing, don't know why. Maybe you were just bored. I still feel I was special to you, and I am grateful you made sure I knew. You were special to me too, if also deeply painful. Because of you I am a stronger better me. So much to miss, except it was obscured by ptsd, self-defense, fear.

 

As 100x before, bye, again.

 

What I have written here is both ridiculous and honest. I will forever wish that you could be made healthy. Such a stain on your spirit that it seems no amount of love can overcome it, not even from your wife. Maybe, though, maybe, something will rise within you and allow you to feel. I would very much have liked to be your friend, if a friend you could be. And we could not have been friends, the way a heroin addict can't keep a stash on display in the living room. If we were friends, then why not lovers.

 

And then we are back to where we began.

 

So, yes, I must be peeling off another layer, which always makes me say the same tshi all over again. I am untethered from you, layer by layer. I hope you find work, friends, and happiness, without relying on your wife to make it so. I really do. o

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I don't know who told you it was ok to lead someone on; it's not.

 

It's almost like your a robot. You just don't get emotions. I bet your still confused about why I stopped talking to you.

 

The pathetic thing is I miss you...

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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admmit why the hell have you taken up residency in my brain. is it the death? the new feelings? the birthday? what has spurred this? i am mourning you all over again, i am missing you. I am. Not as in, I actually want you here. I am missing your traits.

 

Oh, but am I ? Notice how I enjoy my phone-free evenings? Notice how I enjoy being so comfortable? Notice how I enjoy having someone I can bring 'round, whose family is nice, whose friends are nice?

 

Dammit all I am missing is the damn drug. What a powerful destructive force. It is as if I loved you. It is as if I mourn the You you were intended to be, as if I see you as a tragedy that represents a significant loss. A loss to whom? Why do I care? Freaking drug. There is no other explanation. Dammit.

 

I will sit and meditate for a minute. I never do that. I can think of nothing else.

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yup not over you.

 

that is shocking really.

 

certainly don't want you.

 

beginning to strongly suspect that what i have is a rebound. a flight to quality in the face of a depression. Just like the financial markets. after being in such a chaotic climate, i finally warmed up to character, quality, fitness, focus. And now what am I doing? picking it apart.

 

What is the diff between picking it apart and deciding if it is a good fit? Not sure. I do know that I must keep my focus on me, and if it works okay. If it doesn't, ok. I feel like it works within boundaries but not all the time. very tough to walk away.

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Not sure why you are coming up for me today. Why I am eating Cheetos today. Why I am so distracted today. What am I avoiding?

 

Deeply avoidant behavior.

 

Anyway: YOU, you seem like someone who needs to be forgotten. But I have not forgotten you. I really wanted to be friends with you, but then, you make a habit of ignoring your friends. I almost sent you a hello today. Can you believe that? Why on earth would I say hello to you?

 

And YOU: The more time passes, the more I see you as wanting so badly to have me know the truth, and you being so scared to tell it. You are a sad, sweet child and an angry, hardened man. I hope as you learn to feel that you are able to transition into real life, and that you have adequate support to do that. Your wife is a controlling, self-centered, vindictive and powerful woman. You and she make a good pair. I do wonder if you will let yourself be controlled by her, be trapped by her. I do wonder about your capacity to do self harm. Yet I still find you sexy as hell. I am letting you go, still, and apparently, slower than I thought.

 

Ah hell, you both were with me at a time when I was blind. Now I see, and I choose to see neither of you.

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I realized today that I would feel sadness on your behalf, if I were to learn that you felt regret. It would not make me want you, nor would it feed my ego as it would have earlier, when I was judging you so harshly. It would just feel sad, to know you married someone while you were still attached to someone else. I have seen happiness on your face while in her company, I know you have a sense of peace there. Still, I know you look me up, I know you were saying goodbye wistfully and now you have only your imagination. Its good you are staying on the DL on the 'net. I hope it is helping you. I am recovering from you. Haven't found anyone nearly as exhilarating, and have decided not to settle until I find someone that unleashes me - not as you did, rather, as he will, whoever he is. You once said, If I saw you walking down the street with one of those khaki pants guys I would just have to punch him... Yup, I get it. I'm moving on.

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Right now I'm feeling hurt and slightly angry...

 

I don't know how you could have fallen so in love with a new guy after less than 2 months of splitting with me. We apparently only split because you couldn't move to London and I couldn't move to the USA. You still claimed you loved me, but now you're with someone else who you were talking to while we were together.

 

Did you really love me or were you just scared of being alone and then seeing someone else for you, you jumped ship without any sadness at all? For a while I feel you lied to me, pretended we were still close. I was your friend through everything, when your college friends ditched you when you broke up with your ex and they all took his side. When you were rushed to hospital and none of them checked ho you were.Then you started talking to one of them and made him your best friend and then fell for him. He was only there because he had split with his girlfriend! He was on the rebound and turned you against me, but you don't care at all.

 

I feel now like you just stuck with me cos you were afraid of being alone and once you had someone else you dropped me. We were such good friends and now that doesn't mean anything.

 

Plus you never even properly discussed our breakup with me. You didn't want to talk about it while you were here so I was in limbo not knowing where we stood. I didn't even really know if we were breaking up for good. You'd just discussed it with him and expected me to know what you wanted, expected me to work through my feelings alone. That wasn't fair.And when I asked for some explanation afterwards you treated me like a horrible person because I was ruining your happy new life. Well when you love someone for nearly 7 years, talk about being together forever then the breakup will have some tears attatched. It was unrealistic to expect it to pass like nothing happened, with no words spoken about it. Was that all it was worth to you?

 

I just can't get over how you moved that quick. You must have stopped loving me some time ago if you ever did, but it was so wrong to act like you still wanted me. We went on trips together but it was just about you having company to go places not about spending time with me. I know I wasn't always the easiest of people but I love you more than anyone will and was always there for you. Even recently you told me you didn't want anyone else. But you replaced me within weeks.

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I'm so sorry for hurting you and crushing your heart .. You deserve so much better than me...you have taught me how a woman should be treated and made me put that bar up high...you never did anything wrong, I'm sad I fell out of love with you. I wish I didn't but I can't change the way I feel, I wish you the best life has to offer. you will always be in my heart forever. Xx

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I really wish you would get out of my head so that I could focus on my work! Please. I really, really need to get a lot of work done. I am going insane today. I know you are struggling to forget me. I wish you would just let go of the past and admit we still have feelings for each other. But no, you are hell bent on convincing yourself we were not to be. Even though it hurts you. If that's the route you choose, good luck. Because I will continue to make it very very hard for you to get over me. By being beautiful, and sweet, and successful, happy with who I am and how I live. By being me.

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I never realized how much I take after my father. Loyal, hardworking, romantic, sentimental...old-school. And yet, here I am, watching as all my friends (some who regularly cheat on their wives or would definitely do so in the future) are married. I'll bite my tongue before I get into a commentary about a certain group of people...

 

I believe in taking action, and I believe in "doing something about it." I can't do anything about you leaving me...and I can't do anything about how I still feel at times. And I can't do anything about women having certain preferances today. But what I can do is work damn hard. We live in a world where people are quick to give up and leave. Most relationships are doomed to fail, even if only emotionally. For my part...I'm going to work really hard and make myself even more of a catch. If only you knew what I had planned. I guess you will never know. But what you've done for me is light a permanent fire under my ass. I will never, EVER let myself get comfortable ever again. There is simply too much risk of breakups and divorce, and I have to make sure I can always get someone else when the next relationship doesn't work out.

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