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Today I went to therapy. I feel happier. I realise now you were just someone I relied on instead of facing my fears.

 

I wish you all the best.. im letting you go and it feels good and sad, confusing and angry... I will become a better person and you won't be there to see it.

 

I wish you'd apologise but you never will.

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I'm going to tentatively say that so far today is going alright. I've had moments of sadness but they've passed relatively quickly.

 

Over the last 3 days I've unblocked you from my phone around 6 times in moments of weakness, stupidly hoping that you might contact me. I guess I was seeking validation of some sort that I wasn't so easily tossed away. However, after thinking about it I reblocked you, realizing that I actually didn't want to hear from you after all. There's nothing for us to say to each other that would in any way be productive. You're betrayal(s) are just too huge to overlook.

 

Thinking about contact from you makes me physically ill. Thus, I've had you blocked for over a solid 12 hours and there's no sign of wavering on that decision. Go me.

 

I see you now. I finally see YOU. Not the facsimile of the man you portrayed, the actual you. And the actual you has come up wanting in all areas of personality, decency, and morality. You may be good looking but you have nothing else to recommend you. You're a cardboard cut out of a human being. One dimensional and somewhat creepy.

 

I never told you that my family always thought there was something a little off about you. My brother and cousins said they thought you were weird and creepy. At the time I just laughed and waved it off thinking that they just didn't know you like I did. Apparently they knew you better than I ever did after just one meeting. In hindsight I should've taken heed of my family's cautious warnings about you. Now I know better. My heart will follow my mind in this eventually.

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Beinf stuck inside in the cold is making me miss you and cuddling. I want to scream bc I miss you so much. Hoping this feeling passes soon. Tmrw is valentines day and for some reason even though I've never been interested in this holiday I find myself being upset about it. I wish I could hear your voice

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No reply from you.. Nothing. I guess you are doing NC. I know you are with someone sleeping with them tonight... it hurts. It would hurt more knowing for sure.

 

Maybe I need to know. Maybe i just need to forget.

 

I remember last V Day with you.. I made you a card... we made love and spent the night together. We were one. Now we are nothing and it hurts

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Well its valentines day, and i was gonna make it special and its to bad you never gave me that opprotunity, i know your stalking my twitter page which is the last source of info you have of me, i still love you very much and wish you nothing but the best and happiness in the end. Im dissapointed that i never will be the man to show you how much i love you ever again, i hope the next guy treats your like you deserve ,doesnt take you for granted, makes your feel beautiful, and makes you feel like the only women on the planet. Well happy valentines day, im feeling very lonely today and would do nothing more then to hold you right now, but that wont happen, so i need to keep moving forward, living my life, improving myself, and one day the "one" will fall into my life, i thought that was you but i guess not.

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Welp, it's V day, and guess what? I have a date, you're still blocked, and I went to my first counseling session and straightened out a lot of things in my head. I actually cried there too. I guess I just needed someone to give me the permission that I couldn't give myself. And I'm not talking a few tears and a whimper. I'm talking full on body convulsions, snot, and a tsunami of water works. It was cathartic.

 

I haven't really thought about what what you'll you being doing yet today. It doesn't really matter. Either you're stuck working or you'll spend it with her. Neither of which effect my life even slightly.

 

This morning I thought about contacting this other woman and telling her everything on the off chance she was unaware of what had happened behind her back and mine, but I scrapped that idea after about 15 minutes of hard thought. What would be the point? Chances are she wouldn't believe me because you would skillfully lie you're way out of it, or if she did believe me, what then? She'd either leave you and you would retaliate on me or she would make the monumental mistake of forgiving you and begin the same cycle that I just got out of and you'd still seek retribution. Neither scenario results in me feeling better or anything positive for anyone getting accomplished. Unfortunately, she'll just have to find out who you really are on her own. God help her if she's innocent. And if she's not...well, there's a saying about sleeping in the bed you've made and something about just desserts.

 

My therapist has agreed that you have sociopathic tendencies and that at your age you will not change. Especially since your pattern of behavior in relationships over the last decade have been pretty much identical through and through. Either you will do what you did to me and your ex wife to this new girl or you will have it done back to you. Sometimes, at my lowest, I wish it could be me that destroys your ego one day, but then I smarten up and realize that that would just bring me right down to your level. No thank you, I don't like rolling in sewers.

 

I still have a ways to go till I'm free of this but I can feel things changing in me already. I know the anger and hurt will come back again and again for awhile, but they will gradually become nothing more than an echo of what they are now.

 

So, in closing, my life is going to move forward while you stay in the same rut you've been in for years. Happy V day!

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I'm in so much pain right now. I want more than anything to say "I love you" or "I miss you" to you right now. While I know you didn't want to break up either I wish you would show a little of these feelings to me. I don't want to be your friend, I want to be your lover. I would give up anything right now to just spend the rest of the day holding you and talking to you...

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A colleague asked if I had a partner and I said no. She then asked my age and winced when I told her 28. All I could hear in my head was 'unmarried woman, no kids, failure'. What century am I living in?! Smug b****. Not really to you, ex!

 

Ugh. I get so irritated when people do that. Since when is marriage and children the only thing a woman can aspire to? I look at it this way: the only reason I'm still single and pushing up on 30 is because I haven't found the right man and I refuse to settle just to add to the white picket fence and 2.5 children statistic.

 

Besides, there's so much more to life than just a relationship.

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I'm am idiot. I emailed you yesterday and asked 'why?' Again! Of course no answer, I don't exist in your eyes. I wish you would disappear, stop contacting our friends, they think you are a b*stard too but are too polite to tell you. I hope you are hurting because she won't take you back, if she does I hope you are as miserable as before. I hope you miss the fire service, I am lucky I am still here living the passion we shared every day. I know you know I won an award 'the complete firefighter' you couldn't even drop me a text to say congratulations.

 

Today, I've promised myself' is the day I let go. So goodbye Jake, I'm a nice enough person but I hope you die a sad lonely old man.

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I knew in my heart that you had met someone new. I know this sounds crazy but I knew because I kept dreaming about you and another person. I am insanely hurt and jealous and ripped apart. I feel possessive over you it's insane. I don't know what to tell myself to make it better. I'm feeling a lot of pain and anger.

 

Do you love her more than me? You have now been with another woman. What is she like compared to me? Is she the one? Does she have the X-factor you so bluntly told me I was missing. Is she younger than me? Will you both go to Paul and Lesleys wedding as a couple? Does she love the birds? Does Mango like her? Does Marvin? Does she cuddle them? Does she stroke your skin and find it soft? Does she hid your glasses for fun? Does she get on with your sister? Is she Irish? Do you call her smo? Was that just my name? Does she buy you the computer games of your youth? Does she buy you a red blood cell and call it Haemish? Is she friends with Maz? Is she friends with Simon? Is she successful? Is she normal? Is she mad? Is she a depressive? Does she make you so much happier than I ever could? Does she curl up with you and watch Hitcock movies? Does she fall asleep at night with her head resting on your right arm with your arms curled around her? Does she make you happy? Is she a better person than me? Is she more popular? More sporty? Is she everything you ever dreamed of? Will you marry her after a few years and not me after many? I didn't want to know. I was meant to move on and find out later when I was comfortable in my own relationship. I am eternally jealous of you and how well you are doing. I really am. You win. I am heartbroken.

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