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Dear J-


Really? Really? I really can not believe what you have done. I thought I knew and deep down I do. Everyone close to me warned me about you and your character. I didn't want to listen to them because I wanted to think you were different but you weren't and you're not. You are no different than one you used to talk about often. You are a gold digger, a munipilative b%&*%. You used me. When you had nothing, I bailed you out. When you needed me, I was always there. When you were unemployed I helped you find a job. When you needed help with your bills, I financed you. When your kids needed something and your sorry ass ex-husband did step up, I did. Really? Really? You broke up with me on my birthday, 7 days before we were to leave on a cruise. What character you have there! You are selfish and self centered. You only care about yourself. Truly I feel like a rebound even though it was 2 years. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE A LIAR! A F'N LIAR! You needed space. You didn't know who you were. You wanted to find yourself. You didn't want to be in a relationship. Oh, How convenient your profile appeared online a day after we broke up. How interesting you are in a relationship less than 3 weeks after we broke up. Your'e introducing him to your parents soon. Great! Maybe he will help you find yourself! And you downgraded...really? You don't nor did you ever really care about me. You never cared about my children. All you were concerned about was what I could do for your children...and because of your selfish nature, you have turned them into mini versions of you. They are the spawn of SATAN as some have said. Everyone can see your true colors. Your pretty face cannot cover you truly disgusting personality. You are rude, yet you have the commonness to call everyone else on being rude. Even the preachers wife call you a F'n Psycho B&*^%! The preacher's wife! You can run from you inner demons but you will never be able to outrun them, nor will you be able to hide from them. You are getting help but you need a lot more. You ave rebounded and you will continue to rebound until you work on yourself. Am I bitter? Hell yes I am bitter. When you needed me I was there! When I needed you, you stuck the knife in me, twisted it a couple of times and tapped the handle the rest of the way in to make sure my heart was severely cut. You let my emotions bleed out! But I will survive. I will become a better person because of the bull I put up with your sorry ass. I will learn the valuable lessons that I will never, every let anyone destroy may happiness again. I will find someone that will put in the effort that I put in. You said you wanted a man that would jump when you said jump... I am not your freakin puppy! I will not jump for you anymore. Maybe he will. If is fat ass can get off the ground. With that being said, I am finished. I am finished worrying about you , I am finished letting you occupy the space in my mind, I am FINISHED with YOU! I know I will have to see you from time to time but hopefully I will never have to utter your name again as it truly wants to make me vomit! I do, however, plan on never speaking to you again! I try not to associate with people of your character! GOOD LUCK and F YOU!

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So here I am. Just finished my dinner at Flyte. We always wanted to come here but kept putting it off. Now that you're gone I wanted to come here to prove something. You broke my goddam heart and I still am hurt from that. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm still so hurt and confused why you don't love me anymore. I still miss you so much! Sitting here in the restaurant by myself. I held back tears thinking about you, sitting accross from me here. Staring in to your wondrous brown eyes and sweet red lips in the dim lighting of this place. I still can't accept that you're gone. I have a lump in my throat now because I held back and did not cry. I am going to get past you. It will take time. I still love you. I miss you south words cannot describe.

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Hi all!!


About 2 years ago, I used to post in this thread all the time, I was so heartbroken about an ex (feel free to read my past posts via my profile) it really helped, back then I thought how would I EVER get over him! I hated but loved him at the same time, I was stuck in a rut, I was depressed, stayed in bed all the time, had no job and I was in a right mess.


One day I just thought I am so much better then him! I loved and did the best I could, I am worth so much more! The days between sending him text messages or emails (to which he never replied to btw) became further apart and my last ever message to him said something like "i don't need to use someone as a rebound like you have (he got with someone else a few weeks after our year and a half relationship which hurt like hell!) I will find someone that treats me right and deserves me!" I never got back in touch since. That moment I realised and believed what I just said.


I just want to say to you all that it will get better, I know, I used to hate it when people said that as I always wanted to fast forward to "being better" as I couldn't see myself ever being with anyone else again. What helped me was, about 6 months after the BU and being depressed and just existing, I started a course for unemployed young people and it was greati met people and it was a distraction! If your struggling, try and keep yourself busy and do things with the people that are in your life, don't do anything you don't want to do, I didn't have any one night stands that would have made me feel worse about myself, don't be afraid to admit if you don't want to (coz I hate it when people used to say "sleep with someone else!", that would never make me feel better).


You will get there, and posting in this very thread all the stuff I wanted to text my ex really helped get it out!! I am now in a proper job, have a fantastic boyfriend, and the past relationship with my ex made me LEARN so much about myself! Made me learn about how to handle an argument properly and apologize - coz if you don't it festers hate over a long period, to not hold grudges and fall out over little things, that communication is vital but so is understanding. Made me realize what a bad relationships is! Ex never knew me, he never helped me through bad times, sulked all the time, never apologized, swore at me, we didn't have many interesting conversations (he spoke about work all time).


I look back and think if I didn't go out with him and it didn't end, I wouldn't have learnt much. I wouldn't know what loosing someone feels like. My man, listens to me, I have anxiety so he tries to understand me so much, suggests ways to help me, he apologizes if anything ever happens, we rarely argue, we have so many interesting conversations about everything from DNA and science to travelling and making plans.


What im saying to you all is learn and grow from your experience, you will find something better out there for you when you least expect it, tell yourself you deserve to be treated well because you do! Don't let people walk all over you because there is someone out there that won't, we let these things happen to us a lot of the time but we don't have to let it! You will look back on your greif and learn from it, after time it will stop hurting you I promise you.


Be easy on yourselves xx

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I've been seeing a new guy for a while now, and I'm struggling to open up to him. He's nothing like you and in many ways that's good, in others, you had some qualities I miss, and I wonder if I can date someone without them. I talked to a friend today about twin souls and it made me think of you. How easy it all was until it wasn't. I wish we could have some sort of connection. I refuse to contact you though. I initiated all the contact when we were "friends". It's been over 7 months. What's the point now? I need to move somewhere new. I need to change, I have so many goals for this year. You would be proud and encouraging if I told you them. I guess that's what stings. No one else understood or believed in me as much as you did. As I make these huge life changes I yearn for that support, but I have to foster that in myself now. I also can't open up about these things with new guy because I refuse to rely on someone as much as I did you for encouragement. I know it drained you. I don't want to be that person. But maybe I'm overdoing it.

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You are a hypocritical, snivelling .


Not only were you 'economical with the truth' about the amount of contact you have with your poor ex, but it transpires that your caring role ended purely because you stopped being paid for it. Not just by HM Government, but by her. And the only reason you are hanging on in there now is because you hope to collect on her life insurance when the brain tumour finally kills her. I know she keeps threatening to cut you out of her will and, actually, I hope she does.


Hanging on in there, even though you really wouldn't like it if your current partner was in a similar situation. Hanging on in there, but proclaiming yourself to be single - like you did when we were notionally still together. You announced to the world that you were single almost a fortnight before you announced it to me! What a hero!


I'm glad I spotted the fact that you wanted to glom onto the social life that I've painstakingly built up in the two years I've been in a strange town, and didn't introduce you to too many people. You are too lazy to do this for yourself - despite the fact that you've lived in this town all your life - because the best way to meet people round here (as I discovered by accident) is to involve yourself in community projects.


I'm glad I hid the fact that, despite having had two very lean months when we were together, I'm not badly off financially. I did notice your remark 'Y'know, if I'd realised you were that skint - I wouldn't have bothered!' But then, given your total lack of scruples re your ex, and the 'Bank of Mum and Dad', I'm not really surprised. It would have been nice if you'd gained a bit more self-reliance by the age of 50.


And now you're advertising yourself as having 'been single too long'... I'm sure you'll continue to proclaim yourself a 'Nice Guy', whilst having no concept of passive aggression. I'm aware that your obstructiveness in returning the last of my belongings from your flat, and denying that you'll be around later when I could just come and collect, is part of your general modus operandi and nothing to do with me.


I'm also aware that the searing rage that I'm feeling is par for the course, too, and I'm just using it to energise myself in other areas.


And I'm sure that I'm not the only person who could cheerfully flatten you.

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It's been over 11 weeks since we've spoken on the phone. I mean a word in facebook chat here and there. Maybe that's why I am missing you more. The fact that we sometimes talk on there. I mean, it's not often at all, but lately I think it has been a bit more often.


My soul hurts right now. I am pushing people away who are not right for my life and I am left with friends, but it's not like we're as close as we could be. I don't have that one dependable person to talk to whenever something is really weighing on my mind. I guess that's what diaries are for, and sites like these.

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Why give that hoodrat so much effort & love, but couldn't commit anything to me & your child?

why are you making my life hell?

why do you think leaving me in debt, lying about me, & using me is not wrong?

why do you not care?

how can you do this?

how & why did you say false things, make me believe you were genuine, but you couldn't keep to your word, not even your child?


how is it that you do so much wrong & when I point out to you, you take it as attacking?

when im fair, patient & understanding?

you said I can contact you whenever as you have no job & you are her father, but when I ask, make arrangements & you agree, and even say youre coming/going to have her, you cancel at the last minute?


why did you treat me so bad, and I treated you so good?

why do you dress up nicely with the clothes I got you, get your hair cut, and make an effort for this girl you have a connection with?


I don't think you will ever realise what I done for you, and will just move onto her out of spite & still mae me look bad. but don't worry, I will and I am becoming stronger & will not react to your craziness anymore

the only reason youre with her is because shes "attractive", puts up with you & believes your lies


good for you for creating another false relationship


I will continue to provide the best for my daughter like I did through the complicated pregnancy I had, which you pretended to care for, but gave stress & blamed me for it even when I didn't ask for you to be there!


you go live your coward, false life with her

you try and be happy

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I just want to leave this area. I don't know if ill be able to handle seeing you parading with the hoodrat & not even trying to repay the debts & be nice


youre going to bring my life even more hell. and I am scared, you bring out the worst in me, because I cant deal with liars.

betrayal.. how can you not love your sweet little daughter, but instead use her as a pawn & then make me out to be the villain?

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I just don't understand, I made my mistakes, but I didn't make them again. I didn't hid nothing, I was honest, but you hid things from me & hurt me even further. dissed me online, made me out to be the worst, but still I came back with positivity & understanding


my only wrong was trying to help you get out of your mess that you created, standing by you & supporting you together or apart, I always said ill never leave you cause im loyal, I understand you & want you to succeed! never wished nothing but the best for you, but also for you to learn


but now you're learning & putting in the action for a girl you dissed me to, pretend you want your child & still drive me crazy with your crazy makig ways


im stuck here wondering if I was right or wrong, whether what I did was the right thing or not, whether im to blame

others tell me you'll never change, it wasn't my fault, but yet.. I see my faults & know you will change for the wrong person. a person who will make you feel like crap & still make you yearn for more


I just want to know why this happened to me. you gave me permission & false promises, and when I acted the way you wanted me to, you still had a problem, why?

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To Stacy,


Twenty years is a long time to share with someone you love and I still can't believe that it is coming to an end.


I never thought that I would leave you....I always thought that I could stick it out, go the extra mile, for you and for our son. I wanted to grow old with you, I wanted to hold our grandchildren together one day, I wanted to die in your arms.


I wanted to romance you for the rest of my days.


But you couldn't get past your insecurity and your jealousy. They consumed you, they invaded our marriage and caused the worst grief for both of us. I never understood it and still don't.....because you are a gorgeous woman. You are a good woman. You are a good mother. You are a good person.


This would be so much easier if I hated you but I never will be able to do that. I needed things that you couldn't or were unwilling to give me. I tried to tell you I was sorry for all of the things I said over the years out of anger when you would start the arguments. And you even admitted that you started them all, and I admitted that I escalated them all.


God what an amazing couple we would have been had we gotten past that! Think of how great we would have been if everytime we went somewhere I didn't have to hear "what are you looking at?"


Think of the times we would have had!


But you couldn't just let it go. You couldn't just turn loose of the control you felt you had to have at all times. Checking my internet history, detailed phone billing, hitting the "last channel" button on the t.v. to see what I had been watching........all of that and more you did all these years......it tore me down.


I was a good husband......really good husband. I never hit you, never got drunk and stayed out all night, no drug problems, and left other women alone. I did housework, cooked, cleaned, polished your shoes for you, ironed your scrubs for you.....there was nothing that I wouldn't do for you.


After I left and told you I was filing, you cried so much and I felt horrible. I wondered why you could never show that you loved me...why you never called me....or really talked to me for so many years. You wept as I walked out the door and I thought that maybe you really do love me and were just confused. I've thought a million things since then.


I keep expecting you to come to where I am, knock on the door, and when I come to it, tell me that you will work on getting better....and that you will beg me to come home. I wish you would do that. Because I know that neither one of us wants this love affair to end like this.


I would have never left had you just reached out to me and told me your fears........what you were really afraid of......the way lovers for two decades are supposed to do.


I would have held you and told you it was going to be okay......


and that you were my girl.....


and that I loved you.



I hope that you find what it is that you seek....that you are happy one day.......and that you realize that we all get older. The skin treatments, the laser treatments, the dermabrasions, the fighting the aging process that has consumed you......


it's not worth it. We all end up old and wrinkled in the end, should we be so lucky to make it to our golden years.


I wanted to be 88 years old and still winking my eye at you.


Be safe, be well, and I pray that we can remain friends.


And I'll never get over you.





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was I demanding? was it bad that I was demanding because you did need to take care of yourself, you did need to be a better father


better yet, if I knew you was fake sooner, I wouldn't have bothered as I would have known as my mom said.. you talk the talk, but you don't walk it.


I was with you since I was 18, you 19. ive taken care of you in every single way, gave you a push, saved you from suicide.. but youre still in the same place in life. a bum. when are you going to wake up & get your priorities straight? you want to succeed, but your attitude stinks! you came up with so many talks/epiphanies/ideas/thanking me for supposedly instilling motivation in you, but you still don't get it


because you put 3% into everything, no just our relationship


so if youre with her because she values loyalty like I did & is independent & caring.. I feel somewhat sorry for her although she dissed me because she thinks im the crazy one who wrecked you. I feel sorry because youre going to wear down this new girl & because.. you think itll be an easier life. she wont question you beause shes desperate. she thinks youre right for her, you don't want someone to tell you the truth about yourself like I did


id like to think you miss me.. miss our crazy singing & rapping duets, mocking eachothers horribly shaped feet & talking about how we didn't have a bath today & sniff eachother (ok tmi other posters sorry lol)

but.. you cant, because I was just someone to comfort you along your ride


deep down? I like some of our memories & wont take them back as much as im numb towards you right now, ause it was an experience. I still think of how you may magically change in the next couple of months & want to make it up to me, but.. you ruined it all. even if you do change you will never gain the trust from me. that makes me sad.. cause I said id never leave your side & youd forever be in my heart, but now its like your a shell of who I thought you were


youre nothing to me now, although im scared of seeing you again because of our daughter. im scared of seeing you & thinking how attractive you are, reigniting memories, scared this numbness that's protecting me will be erased


one thing that stays on my mind is when you said "There would be no one else I would have rather experience this with"


you always said something to me along those lines & quoted Turk from Scrubs "you irritate me so much, but there's no one else id rather be irritated by" that was the sweetest thing ever


my hearts aching abit, because it still has hope, but I have to stop hurting myself by believing in you anymore

I just feel so sad Radni B.. why have you done this to me? I thought you was my bestfriend. I've never had so much fun with someone & that's what I always said to you.. I hated it all & couldn't erase you just yet, because we had so many good times! & that's what made it even more worse.


tears are welling up, because.. this time round, im the one who says "I don't think I like you anymore" remember when you said that to me after ringing me up, sucking me back in, had a great day & "funtime" although you belittled me a lot as per usual, and then in the night you just cut me off?


it makes me so sad, because I don't break promises. I'm so loyal, but.. I cannot let loyalty be the "death" of me


I once said forever & always, but not anymore

maybe some day ill be able to be at peace about you, you wont bother me anymore. maybe one day ill be able to look at you & still not think that it was meant to me, you & our daughter, who you even said looks happy when we're together


let me stop because the tears are falling & im realizing how crushed my dream truly is


Thanks for re-awakening my self respect beb

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I feel slightly sickened or bad. when I think or read my previous messages, was you really that bad?

was it my fault?


no, I need to remember the last million times I thought that I just got hurt even more because the lies got deeper. I need to remember you was not a responsible person & you hated me not letting you allow you to just sit, smoke & play with your friends. you hated that I knew the truth of your wrong doings & wouldn't shut up, I couldn't have no emotions & just be your fwb. you hated that I actually stuck to my promises & helped you keep afloat, when all you really wanted to do was be lazy & live off me.


I feel bad for typing about things so angrily, for actually talking the horrible truth about you which I now see.. what I really miss is me being the naïve girl who was blind to all of this. truth hurts. it hurts so much, I cannot believe this is who you are


I have never felt so much for a person, done so much & never believed so much. I never gave my all to someone before, so when it was you.. I thought you were the one for me, thought we were soulmates. when you found out I was pregnant & you cussed & acused me of things, then few weeks later on you was a happy person, you said its clear god wants us to be in eachothers lives


I cannot believe this horrible truth, I cant believe I fell so deeply in love with you & had fun


if you weren't so abusive to me due to your insecurities, we as a family could have been beautiful


"I'll be okay once I get you out of my mine"

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Hey You,


It would make it easier for me if i knew that somehow you feel miserable too. Did you ever really care for me? Did the past mean anything to you? Or were you just really leading me on, waiting for me to be the one to let go so you could say you were not the one who gave up? Are you that kind of person? Do I really know you at all?

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I know I should move along and get you out of my life. Even when i hate you, I still miss you so bad. I think I'm still holding on to what I believed was real, to remember how happy I was back then. I know I should forget you, but how could I when I see you everyday? I hate you for being such a weak, lame user. I know I'm better off without you. Somehow I cannot let go of the fact that I am left miserable and you seem so happy. Screw you. Oh it would be so easy to hurt the both of you. Screw you.

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I've talked to a psychic and they said a negative energy popped up and is wrecking things between us & we don't have strong future.


I blamed myself, I thought I could make things right, I thought I was ruining things, or even she was.

The negative energy may have been from the stress & depression you brought me. You brought me.

yes you did. abusive.


So, I took blame and felt guilty for the pain you caused me, though I tried several times to remove myself


why is it that although I was positive, caring and loving, im still the bad person?

I'm the bad person because I reacted to the hurt you caused me?


She deserves happiness after we have a talk and I turn you away?


Others say you wont change, after all you have serious issues.


maybe youre the negative energy. maybe they thought I was because I tried to make things work


You hurt me, lied & deceived me & yet I'm still the bad person


been a month and a half since I removed myself completely from you & I have finally done it. I'm nearing a place where I feel better. I feel lighter. things still linger cause you hurt me a lot.

I'd never wish this pain on anybody else


she may have won the "war" and has you now, but I know you will never forget all I done for you & she cannot replace that, even if she is the new loyal & sexy girl


so bye to you both jealous people. she knows I'm still on your mind even if its in a negative light & that will trouble her

You know im a good & hardworking girl & you will never be able to let that go


so.. I will not let the both of you get the best of me. I will climb & provide for my child 100% as always, and you will feel for missing out on her..


she has 4 teeth now. a cute gap between the top two. shes so smart & yet you complain and don't take care of her. you put so much effort into covering your crap self, to show a fake you to her.


congratulations. a fake based relationship

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Every time you go away on a army trip and inform me I wonder why you still inform me is it because you worry you'll be killed and worry about how I'd feel? Is it your way of saying, I still love you in your small way without saying so or validating me?This is two times in a month you've told me this info last was on vday. I'm the only one who doesn't want you in the military, I am sure you impress the newbies with it. If you really wanted to serve you'd gone regular army right.

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I must thank my mind


because.. if it wasn't for it, I would not have pulled myself out. it wouldn't have made me shut down, fight myself & shout the truth about this situation. No joke, i physically shut down. i couldn't be myself around you, i couldn't have normal conversations & although my heart wanted to be with you & still wanted to speak my dumb loveydovey things, my mind kind of made me curl away from you


so i should thank myself lol

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I'm listening to Jhene Aiko - Drinking & Driving, & i can relate so much:


Ask me what do I want, I say whatever can cure this.. mess


Do whatever I'm yours, do whatever can cure this loneliness, yes.

Do whatever I'm yours, do whatever I'm sure


Anything, anything, anything anything to feel alive

Anything anything anything to feel my heart beating

Anything anything anything to feel like I am still here


I'm running from shadows

I'm hoping to crash just to wake me up from the pain and the past

Hennessy plenty weed, do you have anything stronger?

I don't care give it here, wanna make this high last longer

Unafraid unaware can't you see I am dying? Wanna feel what is real anything is worth me trying


If it all comes down to this, will you be around, Will you be the one keeping me alive?


was sitting here moping, then my daughter bit my toe & made me laugh lmao. Shes really great, eff you man. you're not needed for our happiness.+-


Sitting here day in day out, getting things done, but on my mind is all the hurt, confusion & betrayal. I want something to snap me out of it. healing & talking things through upets me too. I want to go for a spin in my colleagues car. I don't like fast cars due to my fear from bad car accidents, but yet.. i felt so safe, it was cool & i was doing something daring. i was the girl i used to be before you told me i wasn't fine the way i was. The woman at counselling said its okay for me to go out, and yet i feel so bad when i do. why do i? because 1. i have a responsibility, but that's not all. its because every chance you took, you controlled me.


everything i done was wrong and was silly.


i want to be in his car, and take a sharp corner like when he dropped me from work. i want to listen to his stories about his fights, i want to listen to how he got through his hardships. i want to feel that heavenly feeling of being with a nice person. it felt like i was floating.

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I'm so mad. I had to pray


I cant cry, I wont allow it. it burns my eyes.


I hate you so much. I cant believe how happy I used to be. you've dragged me down to your level. im negative, I cannot push myself, I cant fight, I cant let go, I cant see a brighter day


im so angry right now, im going to smash your bowl, cheap vase you bought for my birthday, and burn the combs you got me. I cant find your passport i.d photo that I use to keep with me to smile, but if I had it, I was going to burn it. im going to burn your socks & I hope all this will be enough, because I really don't want to smash my door that you put a hole through. yea, the same door you smashed when you came into my house all angry telling me youre going to spit in my face & raged at me.


I hate you so much. my face is straight & I don't want to experience this pain anymore. I wish I never met you. you've frigged up me mentally, emotionally & my life


I was the girl that everyone thought was good, smart, and happy. now im the ridicule. Im a single mom, with a crap abusive father and im stooping to his level


I hate you for what you've done to me. you've wrecked me. I swear, if I saw you right now, I wish you couldn't move and id just absolutely beat you up. make you feel the pain. and maybe then it still wouldn't hurt & it wouldn't sink in cause youre heartless.


I almost cried while writing that last bit, because no matter what I do, im still that stupid, pathetic, weak, too friendly girl


I wish you were wiped from existence

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Hope you had a great birthday yesterday. I just wanted to wish you a good one (hence the brief email), there were no hidden agendas whatsoever.

I've blocked you weeks ago anyway, so it doesn't matter on whether you respond or not-that's not the point.

I did it for me.


There's no turning back.


"There are some lives you live

and some

you leave behind"

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Feeling down today. You're being your typical self. I haven't seen you in over a week and you don't have any desire to see me. We haven't had sex in a month. What is this? For some reason I keep holding on.


I know that if I don't call you or contact you, you will chase me.


I know that when I show you affection you will turn cold. Yet, for some reason, I keep holding on to the few hours of fun we have.. even though it's become so rare. For those few hours when we're laughing and happy and together, things seem like they will be OK and I can picture a life with you... then we go back to the norm and it's two weeks before we get anything close to those few hours again.


And you know that as soon as you call, I'll come running. That's why you do this.


I could have loved you... like I could have made a difference for you, but now I know I'm just someone for you to fall back on.. and really, when I look at us honestly, that's all I've ever been. I've been someone you've rebounded to when you're down and lonely, again and again, and once I boost your ego a bit you decide you can do better than me and I'm not really what you want. I know this is true and that's what kills me the most. By now, I can't even blame you because I'm fully aware of your selfish patterns and I subject myself to it again and again and again.. foolishly hoping something will change!


Enough is enough.

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