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I've been seeing a new guy for a while now, and I'm struggling to open up to him. He's nothing like you and in many ways that's good, in others, you had some qualities I miss, and I wonder if I can date someone without them. I talked to a friend today about twin souls and it made me think of you. How easy it all was until it wasn't. I wish we could have some sort of connection. I refuse to contact you though. I initiated all the contact when we were "friends". It's been over 7 months. What's the point now? I need to move somewhere new. I need to change, I have so many goals for this year. You would be proud and encouraging if I told you them. I guess that's what stings. No one else understood or believed in me as much as you did. As I make these huge life changes I yearn for that support, but I have to foster that in myself now. I also can't open up about these things with new guy because I refuse to rely on someone as much as I did you for encouragement. I know it drained you. I don't want to be that person. But maybe I'm overdoing it.

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Dear...

 

You are a hypocritical, snivelling .

 

Not only were you 'economical with the truth' about the amount of contact you have with your poor ex, but it transpires that your caring role ended purely because you stopped being paid for it. Not just by HM Government, but by her. And the only reason you are hanging on in there now is because you hope to collect on her life insurance when the brain tumour finally kills her. I know she keeps threatening to cut you out of her will and, actually, I hope she does.

 

Hanging on in there, even though you really wouldn't like it if your current partner was in a similar situation. Hanging on in there, but proclaiming yourself to be single - like you did when we were notionally still together. You announced to the world that you were single almost a fortnight before you announced it to me! What a hero!

 

I'm glad I spotted the fact that you wanted to glom onto the social life that I've painstakingly built up in the two years I've been in a strange town, and didn't introduce you to too many people. You are too lazy to do this for yourself - despite the fact that you've lived in this town all your life - because the best way to meet people round here (as I discovered by accident) is to involve yourself in community projects.

 

I'm glad I hid the fact that, despite having had two very lean months when we were together, I'm not badly off financially. I did notice your remark 'Y'know, if I'd realised you were that skint - I wouldn't have bothered!' But then, given your total lack of scruples re your ex, and the 'Bank of Mum and Dad', I'm not really surprised. It would have been nice if you'd gained a bit more self-reliance by the age of 50.

 

And now you're advertising yourself as having 'been single too long'... I'm sure you'll continue to proclaim yourself a 'Nice Guy', whilst having no concept of passive aggression. I'm aware that your obstructiveness in returning the last of my belongings from your flat, and denying that you'll be around later when I could just come and collect, is part of your general modus operandi and nothing to do with me.

 

I'm also aware that the searing rage that I'm feeling is par for the course, too, and I'm just using it to energise myself in other areas.

 

And I'm sure that I'm not the only person who could cheerfully flatten you.

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It's been over 11 weeks since we've spoken on the phone. I mean a word in facebook chat here and there. Maybe that's why I am missing you more. The fact that we sometimes talk on there. I mean, it's not often at all, but lately I think it has been a bit more often.

 

My soul hurts right now. I am pushing people away who are not right for my life and I am left with friends, but it's not like we're as close as we could be. I don't have that one dependable person to talk to whenever something is really weighing on my mind. I guess that's what diaries are for, and sites like these.

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Why give that hoodrat so much effort & love, but couldn't commit anything to me & your child?

why are you making my life hell?

why do you think leaving me in debt, lying about me, & using me is not wrong?

why do you not care?

how can you do this?

how & why did you say false things, make me believe you were genuine, but you couldn't keep to your word, not even your child?

 

how is it that you do so much wrong & when I point out to you, you take it as attacking?

when im fair, patient & understanding?

you said I can contact you whenever as you have no job & you are her father, but when I ask, make arrangements & you agree, and even say youre coming/going to have her, you cancel at the last minute?

 

why did you treat me so bad, and I treated you so good?

why do you dress up nicely with the clothes I got you, get your hair cut, and make an effort for this girl you have a connection with?

 

I don't think you will ever realise what I done for you, and will just move onto her out of spite & still mae me look bad. but don't worry, I will and I am becoming stronger & will not react to your craziness anymore

the only reason youre with her is because shes "attractive", puts up with you & believes your lies

 

good for you for creating another false relationship

 

I will continue to provide the best for my daughter like I did through the complicated pregnancy I had, which you pretended to care for, but gave stress & blamed me for it even when I didn't ask for you to be there!

 

you go live your coward, false life with her

you try and be happy

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I just want to leave this area. I don't know if ill be able to handle seeing you parading with the hoodrat & not even trying to repay the debts & be nice

 

youre going to bring my life even more hell. and I am scared, you bring out the worst in me, because I cant deal with liars.

betrayal.. how can you not love your sweet little daughter, but instead use her as a pawn & then make me out to be the villain?

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I just don't understand, I made my mistakes, but I didn't make them again. I didn't hid nothing, I was honest, but you hid things from me & hurt me even further. dissed me online, made me out to be the worst, but still I came back with positivity & understanding

 

my only wrong was trying to help you get out of your mess that you created, standing by you & supporting you together or apart, I always said ill never leave you cause im loyal, I understand you & want you to succeed! never wished nothing but the best for you, but also for you to learn

 

but now you're learning & putting in the action for a girl you dissed me to, pretend you want your child & still drive me crazy with your crazy makig ways

 

im stuck here wondering if I was right or wrong, whether what I did was the right thing or not, whether im to blame

others tell me you'll never change, it wasn't my fault, but yet.. I see my faults & know you will change for the wrong person. a person who will make you feel like crap & still make you yearn for more

 

I just want to know why this happened to me. you gave me permission & false promises, and when I acted the way you wanted me to, you still had a problem, why?

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To Stacy,

 

Twenty years is a long time to share with someone you love and I still can't believe that it is coming to an end.

 

I never thought that I would leave you....I always thought that I could stick it out, go the extra mile, for you and for our son. I wanted to grow old with you, I wanted to hold our grandchildren together one day, I wanted to die in your arms.

 

I wanted to romance you for the rest of my days.

 

But you couldn't get past your insecurity and your jealousy. They consumed you, they invaded our marriage and caused the worst grief for both of us. I never understood it and still don't.....because you are a gorgeous woman. You are a good woman. You are a good mother. You are a good person.

 

This would be so much easier if I hated you but I never will be able to do that. I needed things that you couldn't or were unwilling to give me. I tried to tell you I was sorry for all of the things I said over the years out of anger when you would start the arguments. And you even admitted that you started them all, and I admitted that I escalated them all.

 

God what an amazing couple we would have been had we gotten past that! Think of how great we would have been if everytime we went somewhere I didn't have to hear "what are you looking at?"

 

Think of the times we would have had!

 

But you couldn't just let it go. You couldn't just turn loose of the control you felt you had to have at all times. Checking my internet history, detailed phone billing, hitting the "last channel" button on the t.v. to see what I had been watching........all of that and more you did all these years......it tore me down.

 

I was a good husband......really good husband. I never hit you, never got drunk and stayed out all night, no drug problems, and left other women alone. I did housework, cooked, cleaned, polished your shoes for you, ironed your scrubs for you.....there was nothing that I wouldn't do for you.

 

After I left and told you I was filing, you cried so much and I felt horrible. I wondered why you could never show that you loved me...why you never called me....or really talked to me for so many years. You wept as I walked out the door and I thought that maybe you really do love me and were just confused. I've thought a million things since then.

 

I keep expecting you to come to where I am, knock on the door, and when I come to it, tell me that you will work on getting better....and that you will beg me to come home. I wish you would do that. Because I know that neither one of us wants this love affair to end like this.

 

I would have never left had you just reached out to me and told me your fears........what you were really afraid of......the way lovers for two decades are supposed to do.

 

I would have held you and told you it was going to be okay......

 

and that you were my girl.....

 

and that I loved you.

 

 

I hope that you find what it is that you seek....that you are happy one day.......and that you realize that we all get older. The skin treatments, the laser treatments, the dermabrasions, the fighting the aging process that has consumed you......

 

it's not worth it. We all end up old and wrinkled in the end, should we be so lucky to make it to our golden years.

 

I wanted to be 88 years old and still winking my eye at you.

 

Be safe, be well, and I pray that we can remain friends.

 

And I'll never get over you.

 

Love,

 

L

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was I demanding? was it bad that I was demanding because you did need to take care of yourself, you did need to be a better father

 

better yet, if I knew you was fake sooner, I wouldn't have bothered as I would have known as my mom said.. you talk the talk, but you don't walk it.

 

I was with you since I was 18, you 19. ive taken care of you in every single way, gave you a push, saved you from suicide.. but youre still in the same place in life. a bum. when are you going to wake up & get your priorities straight? you want to succeed, but your attitude stinks! you came up with so many talks/epiphanies/ideas/thanking me for supposedly instilling motivation in you, but you still don't get it

 

because you put 3% into everything, no just our relationship

 

so if youre with her because she values loyalty like I did & is independent & caring.. I feel somewhat sorry for her although she dissed me because she thinks im the crazy one who wrecked you. I feel sorry because youre going to wear down this new girl & because.. you think itll be an easier life. she wont question you beause shes desperate. she thinks youre right for her, you don't want someone to tell you the truth about yourself like I did

 

id like to think you miss me.. miss our crazy singing & rapping duets, mocking eachothers horribly shaped feet & talking about how we didn't have a bath today & sniff eachother (ok tmi other posters sorry lol)

but.. you cant, because I was just someone to comfort you along your ride

 

deep down? I like some of our memories & wont take them back as much as im numb towards you right now, ause it was an experience. I still think of how you may magically change in the next couple of months & want to make it up to me, but.. you ruined it all. even if you do change you will never gain the trust from me. that makes me sad.. cause I said id never leave your side & youd forever be in my heart, but now its like your a shell of who I thought you were

 

youre nothing to me now, although im scared of seeing you again because of our daughter. im scared of seeing you & thinking how attractive you are, reigniting memories, scared this numbness that's protecting me will be erased

 

one thing that stays on my mind is when you said "There would be no one else I would have rather experience this with"

 

you always said something to me along those lines & quoted Turk from Scrubs "you irritate me so much, but there's no one else id rather be irritated by" that was the sweetest thing ever

 

my hearts aching abit, because it still has hope, but I have to stop hurting myself by believing in you anymore

I just feel so sad Radni B.. why have you done this to me? I thought you was my bestfriend. I've never had so much fun with someone & that's what I always said to you.. I hated it all & couldn't erase you just yet, because we had so many good times! & that's what made it even more worse.

 

tears are welling up, because.. this time round, im the one who says "I don't think I like you anymore" remember when you said that to me after ringing me up, sucking me back in, had a great day & "funtime" although you belittled me a lot as per usual, and then in the night you just cut me off?

 

it makes me so sad, because I don't break promises. I'm so loyal, but.. I cannot let loyalty be the "death" of me

 

I once said forever & always, but not anymore

maybe some day ill be able to be at peace about you, you wont bother me anymore. maybe one day ill be able to look at you & still not think that it was meant to me, you & our daughter, who you even said looks happy when we're together

 

let me stop because the tears are falling & im realizing how crushed my dream truly is

 

Thanks for re-awakening my self respect beb

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I feel slightly sickened or bad. when I think or read my previous messages, was you really that bad?

was it my fault?

 

no, I need to remember the last million times I thought that I just got hurt even more because the lies got deeper. I need to remember you was not a responsible person & you hated me not letting you allow you to just sit, smoke & play with your friends. you hated that I knew the truth of your wrong doings & wouldn't shut up, I couldn't have no emotions & just be your fwb. you hated that I actually stuck to my promises & helped you keep afloat, when all you really wanted to do was be lazy & live off me.

 

I feel bad for typing about things so angrily, for actually talking the horrible truth about you which I now see.. what I really miss is me being the naïve girl who was blind to all of this. truth hurts. it hurts so much, I cannot believe this is who you are

 

I have never felt so much for a person, done so much & never believed so much. I never gave my all to someone before, so when it was you.. I thought you were the one for me, thought we were soulmates. when you found out I was pregnant & you cussed & acused me of things, then few weeks later on you was a happy person, you said its clear god wants us to be in eachothers lives

 

I cannot believe this horrible truth, I cant believe I fell so deeply in love with you & had fun

 

if you weren't so abusive to me due to your insecurities, we as a family could have been beautiful

 

"I'll be okay once I get you out of my mine"

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Hey You,

 

It would make it easier for me if i knew that somehow you feel miserable too. Did you ever really care for me? Did the past mean anything to you? Or were you just really leading me on, waiting for me to be the one to let go so you could say you were not the one who gave up? Are you that kind of person? Do I really know you at all?

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I know I should move along and get you out of my life. Even when i hate you, I still miss you so bad. I think I'm still holding on to what I believed was real, to remember how happy I was back then. I know I should forget you, but how could I when I see you everyday? I hate you for being such a weak, lame user. I know I'm better off without you. Somehow I cannot let go of the fact that I am left miserable and you seem so happy. Screw you. Oh it would be so easy to hurt the both of you. Screw you.

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I've talked to a psychic and they said a negative energy popped up and is wrecking things between us & we don't have strong future.

 

I blamed myself, I thought I could make things right, I thought I was ruining things, or even she was.

The negative energy may have been from the stress & depression you brought me. You brought me.

yes you did. abusive.

 

So, I took blame and felt guilty for the pain you caused me, though I tried several times to remove myself

 

why is it that although I was positive, caring and loving, im still the bad person?

I'm the bad person because I reacted to the hurt you caused me?

 

She deserves happiness after we have a talk and I turn you away?

 

Others say you wont change, after all you have serious issues.

 

maybe youre the negative energy. maybe they thought I was because I tried to make things work

 

You hurt me, lied & deceived me & yet I'm still the bad person

 

been a month and a half since I removed myself completely from you & I have finally done it. I'm nearing a place where I feel better. I feel lighter. things still linger cause you hurt me a lot.

I'd never wish this pain on anybody else

 

she may have won the "war" and has you now, but I know you will never forget all I done for you & she cannot replace that, even if she is the new loyal & sexy girl

 

so bye to you both jealous people. she knows I'm still on your mind even if its in a negative light & that will trouble her

You know im a good & hardworking girl & you will never be able to let that go

 

so.. I will not let the both of you get the best of me. I will climb & provide for my child 100% as always, and you will feel for missing out on her..

 

she has 4 teeth now. a cute gap between the top two. shes so smart & yet you complain and don't take care of her. you put so much effort into covering your crap self, to show a fake you to her.

 

congratulations. a fake based relationship

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Every time you go away on a army trip and inform me I wonder why you still inform me is it because you worry you'll be killed and worry about how I'd feel? Is it your way of saying, I still love you in your small way without saying so or validating me?This is two times in a month you've told me this info last was on vday. I'm the only one who doesn't want you in the military, I am sure you impress the newbies with it. If you really wanted to serve you'd gone regular army right.

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I must thank my mind

 

because.. if it wasn't for it, I would not have pulled myself out. it wouldn't have made me shut down, fight myself & shout the truth about this situation. No joke, i physically shut down. i couldn't be myself around you, i couldn't have normal conversations & although my heart wanted to be with you & still wanted to speak my dumb loveydovey things, my mind kind of made me curl away from you

 

so i should thank myself lol

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I'm listening to Jhene Aiko - Drinking & Driving, & i can relate so much:

 

Ask me what do I want, I say whatever can cure this.. mess

 

Do whatever I'm yours, do whatever can cure this loneliness, yes.

Do whatever I'm yours, do whatever I'm sure

 

Anything, anything, anything anything to feel alive

Anything anything anything to feel my heart beating

Anything anything anything to feel like I am still here

 

I'm running from shadows

I'm hoping to crash just to wake me up from the pain and the past

Hennessy plenty weed, do you have anything stronger?

I don't care give it here, wanna make this high last longer

Unafraid unaware can't you see I am dying? Wanna feel what is real anything is worth me trying

 

If it all comes down to this, will you be around, Will you be the one keeping me alive?

 

was sitting here moping, then my daughter bit my toe & made me laugh lmao. Shes really great, eff you man. you're not needed for our happiness.+-

 

Sitting here day in day out, getting things done, but on my mind is all the hurt, confusion & betrayal. I want something to snap me out of it. healing & talking things through upets me too. I want to go for a spin in my colleagues car. I don't like fast cars due to my fear from bad car accidents, but yet.. i felt so safe, it was cool & i was doing something daring. i was the girl i used to be before you told me i wasn't fine the way i was. The woman at counselling said its okay for me to go out, and yet i feel so bad when i do. why do i? because 1. i have a responsibility, but that's not all. its because every chance you took, you controlled me.

 

everything i done was wrong and was silly.

 

i want to be in his car, and take a sharp corner like when he dropped me from work. i want to listen to his stories about his fights, i want to listen to how he got through his hardships. i want to feel that heavenly feeling of being with a nice person. it felt like i was floating.

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I'm so mad. I had to pray

 

I cant cry, I wont allow it. it burns my eyes.

 

I hate you so much. I cant believe how happy I used to be. you've dragged me down to your level. im negative, I cannot push myself, I cant fight, I cant let go, I cant see a brighter day

 

im so angry right now, im going to smash your bowl, cheap vase you bought for my birthday, and burn the combs you got me. I cant find your passport i.d photo that I use to keep with me to smile, but if I had it, I was going to burn it. im going to burn your socks & I hope all this will be enough, because I really don't want to smash my door that you put a hole through. yea, the same door you smashed when you came into my house all angry telling me youre going to spit in my face & raged at me.

 

I hate you so much. my face is straight & I don't want to experience this pain anymore. I wish I never met you. you've frigged up me mentally, emotionally & my life

 

I was the girl that everyone thought was good, smart, and happy. now im the ridicule. Im a single mom, with a crap abusive father and im stooping to his level

 

I hate you for what you've done to me. you've wrecked me. I swear, if I saw you right now, I wish you couldn't move and id just absolutely beat you up. make you feel the pain. and maybe then it still wouldn't hurt & it wouldn't sink in cause youre heartless.

 

I almost cried while writing that last bit, because no matter what I do, im still that stupid, pathetic, weak, too friendly girl

 

I wish you were wiped from existence

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Hope you had a great birthday yesterday. I just wanted to wish you a good one (hence the brief email), there were no hidden agendas whatsoever.

I've blocked you weeks ago anyway, so it doesn't matter on whether you respond or not-that's not the point.

I did it for me.

 

There's no turning back.

 

"There are some lives you live

and some

you leave behind"

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Feeling down today. You're being your typical self. I haven't seen you in over a week and you don't have any desire to see me. We haven't had sex in a month. What is this? For some reason I keep holding on.

 

I know that if I don't call you or contact you, you will chase me.

 

I know that when I show you affection you will turn cold. Yet, for some reason, I keep holding on to the few hours of fun we have.. even though it's become so rare. For those few hours when we're laughing and happy and together, things seem like they will be OK and I can picture a life with you... then we go back to the norm and it's two weeks before we get anything close to those few hours again.

 

And you know that as soon as you call, I'll come running. That's why you do this.

 

I could have loved you... like I could have made a difference for you, but now I know I'm just someone for you to fall back on.. and really, when I look at us honestly, that's all I've ever been. I've been someone you've rebounded to when you're down and lonely, again and again, and once I boost your ego a bit you decide you can do better than me and I'm not really what you want. I know this is true and that's what kills me the most. By now, I can't even blame you because I'm fully aware of your selfish patterns and I subject myself to it again and again and again.. foolishly hoping something will change!

 

Enough is enough.

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She looks like an angry bulbasaur

 

from tonight/today.. I no longer care lol

that topped it for me

 

a girl who uses me against you to gain a spot & you using me to make it seem like you were innocent

if it lasts, its because you two deserve eachother

 

I am not a hoodrat

I do not throw tantrums/be a hypocrite to get a commitment, nor to please you

I do not talk the talk, & not follow it up with no walk

 

I was really stressing over you & your baby ape look a like?

 

both individuals who are ugly on the inside?

 

ive been told many times by friends, family & even people ive only just had a catch up with that I'm a strong mom that they look up to for advice & tips on being young/single moms & that im a number 1 mom

 

I have a hanful + of people who care about me & my little tomboy of a daughter. that's better than one who doesn't care

 

you have a number that you & text others off, but wont pay your other bills or try your hardest to see your daughter?

 

that's the 1,000 nail in the coffin

 

your friend will be wrong about my daughter resenting me for not seeing you. its better to not have someone who doesn't care or love her & is abusive around. she would have hated if I did

 

if she ever comes accross you again when shes older, I will be there to hug her when she sees for herself

 

& when you look into the eyes of your third child, you will be looking at the eyes of your second which you helped to destroy

 

I hope your conscious rots you

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The hardest part is letting go of the man I knew before life dealt you an exceptionally awful hand, and you decided to push away all those that care about you.

That man I loved desperately, he could always cheer me up with almost no effort. You were funny, charismatic, and in an odd way, once strangely mature for your age. I could go on about how amazing you once were, and I know you will be again -just never again with me.

 

I don't like who you have become in recent months, bitter, apathetic, selfish, isolated.. You treat me like I'm stupid, lazy, and uninteresting. You project your self-loathing and insecurities on me, yet still assume you deserve your hell.

 

That's not the man I fell for, he slowly vanished in his own anger and sadness. I miss him, your friends (even though you barely interact with them these days)miss you too.

SHE ~would~ be disappointed in you, for giving up on yourself. I'm glad you'll never read this, because I'd feel too guilty seeing the pain in your eyes from such cruelly honest words.

 

I know you will crawl out of this rut one day, though right now you have little desire to. I look forward to it, because while I think we have too much bad blood to ever reconcile, I still care enough to want you to be happy.

 

I have to take care of me now. I tried and failed for so long to try and care for and support you, I started to slip too. It's a relief. I'm no longer tormented by you acting out your pain toward me, the loss of respect, romance.. the insane distance, always insecure that I may be the problem. Always hiding my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

 

Though I do not regret: I stood by the side of someone I loved going through a difficult time.

I read about what happens to most relationships that go through grief and/or severe depression, ours is text book. I admit I hoped we'd break themould, and thought it possible in your rare times of appreciation for my support. --But it was my choice to ride this out, I knew what I was most likely getting in to. I was committed.

 

I'm going to be happy, no matter what, and you can't stop me, inadvertently or not, any more. I still care about your well being, but I can't fix your pain. Only you can, and you have to want it.

 

Go ahead and hate me, blame me, whatever, if that makes this more easy for you: but I'm not going to do the same. I did the best I could.

Edited by T Rex
grammar & typos
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Today I felt that I still love you. Like i could see right through that shell and really see you, see your heart. Why have you been contacting me? Do you feel lonely? Bored? Guilty? I am trying very hard to accept that you are not longer part of my life. I would've love for you to open up with me, to trust me all your fears. It's not to late for me. Are you thinking about it? Do you ever regret the choice you made? Te quiero muchísimo y quiero lo mejor para ti, aunque no sea yo

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