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This has been hard for me as you know. I thought we had a real friendship. It Has just taken time to realize that we didn't.

 

I was informed that you " cared about my welfare". I'm not sure how I was supposed to pick up on that. Was it the stone cold reaction at the funeral home or the lack of even a mere thank you when I got your w2 to you? Somehow, I felt dehumanized as opposed to " cared about". I tried to let you know about deaths, cancers, etc. No response

 

I am a strong gal ( they say lol) and I will reach my goal. The ebb of a broken heart has been replaced by the flow of optimism that I will find the real deal, that I will be loved, and that I already am by a host of true friends who have never turned their backs on me.

 

I have someone in my life as well. I've been very honest with him about the pain. For the first time in 2 years, I feel the pain dissipating and new love growing in my patched up heart It is scary, but I think everyone deserves to exit their struggles at some point. I am finally beginning to do that. I am sure you find the amount of time it has taken perplexing, but I am equally sure you don't know the value of real love. You don't recover over night. I wasn't Able to follow the one year prescription bc when you ceased to be my friend, the band aid was ripped off the wound and I started all over again,this time mourning the loss of who I believed to be a true friend. You should have never spoken to me as a friend if you were going to turn around and diss me again. That is not right. You don't hurt someone twice for no great reason. I understand the reasoning behind no frequent contact, but not the total ostracism. To not even speak to me if you run into me?

 

The journey of this pain was long, yet I realize many people have much worse things to contend with of course. It was the first time I was unable to broker peace between myself and someone I once cared about.

 

I will always care about you, and although I think that possibly that old theory of " what goes around comes around " is alive and well and the green grass fades over time, I don't wish that on you. We do all pay for how we treat people, that's for sure, but I honestly wish you all the happiness in the world.

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Dearest M.

 

We both know you cheated on me. I also know that you've been running around telling everyone that I so coldly broke up with you due to a falling out. We had a falling out because you were falling into a little girl.

 

While you were telling me that I was your soulmate and you'd never leave me, I couldn't break up with you - you were lying. I often wonder just why you needed me? Was it for my 1950s belief system? Someone to take care of you while the little girl drained your savings??

 

I know you don't work. Legally you can't. Your medical license is suspended in 6 different states because you showed up drunk to the ER. You also smoke pot. At 58

 

Were you just desperate to not be alone? The way you treat people and your outlook on life will cause you to be single forever.

 

You hurt me and you lied to me. You don't get to play victim here! You are a victim of your own selfish actions and behavior . Not a victim of me. How many times did you call me a ? A bully ? A psycho? All because I knew what was going on. When you're confronted you run and hide. You block your phone, ignore my email - did you think that I would tolerate this for long??? Was I supposed to lay down and be your doormat for the rest if my life while my son looked on?! I'm sorry Michael but I will NOT have my so. Believing that that is how a man treats a woman.

 

Which reminds me, how often did you criticize my parenting? Yelling at me that I'm "raising a fag" because my son is in Irish Step Dancing? Because he liked to make rubber band bracelets? All because he doesn't wrestle or play rough? You constantly belittled me. But you had and will never have the right to pick on my child! You're 58, almost 59. He's 6. How is that right or fair?!

 

My son is an amazing little boy. Unlike you, he doesn't see a race he sees a person. He doesn't care if you're straight or gay, he believes everyone deserves love and respect.

 

He loves Irish Step and I can't even begin to explain the positive impact this has had! His confidence and sense of pride are growing. His ability to discipline himself is admirable. His ambition and tenacity are qualities you can only dream of!

 

I can't even begin to tell you how disgusted I am by your need to pick on him. I'll also add that NO I don't spank him because he's up past his bed time it because he had a bad dream and wants to sleep in my bed. What will violence teach my son? That hitting is acceptable?! No thanks.

 

M I loved you with everything I had. I believed in you and us. I supported you and when you were downright nasty to me, I took it in stride and respected that you were a bit stressed.

 

Sadly all you did in return was lie to me, belittle me, and bring me down. You allowed another woman to enter your bedroom. You took pictures of her blowing kisses. You wouldn't add me to Facebook or admit to dating me because it was petty nonsense. But you couldn't wait to add the girl.

 

Your words and half assed actions painted one picture, but your true actions that you thought I wouldn't see, told the story.

 

You're a liar. A cheater. An insecure and bitter man seeking out his youth at the expense of others. All the lies about you being 39-43. You're 58. You look 58. Our relationship started with a lie, and ended with a lie.

 

And one last thing before I forget, you do NOT have the right to use my condition to paint you as a saint! I may have some rare issues with my brain, but if you think you're the only man that can handle that, you're dead wrong.

 

So stop saying in your hero, your inspiration and I left you cold. Try again there buddy! YOU lied. TOU cheated. YOU disrespected me. YOU smoked pot with a little girl and YOU pushed me away with your vile attitude and actions. I tried supporting you, helping you, and loving you. You chose to remain a monster. I hope you enjoy the 24yo. Don't come crying to me when she leaves again because you didn't buy her enough things.

 

Signed NOT YOURS

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Another step towards being whole. And the damage was so much NOT what you did, but what else was done to me by others at your expense. I see your anger and frustration, I see your stoicism. I have never said that to you before because - well - I have never felt you deserve it.

 

It is unfortunate we can't be friends; I think there could have been something interesting intellectual and emotional to teach each other, if just by example. But the zipzangboom never went away, even when you were just going through the motions that very last time.

 

I am glad you are gone. I can feel my shine. I can feel my self-view changing, cementing itself somewhere new and healthy and full of good soil and food and worms and sunlight. Your darkness is like poison, and I wish it gone.

 

What happens to me now will never ever be like what came before, and I have you to thank for that. Sometimes, I meet someone who says Ive Grown! Ive Learned! And I think, no. Nobody has endured what I did, and therefore been forced to dig so deep, learn so much, cover ground like I did. And I am so very very grateful for what I have learned. I don't know that I could have learned it any other way. So, you were my gift. Thank you.

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My mom could possibly be very I'll with cancer. Bone cancer, for the fourth time in my life and most likely the final.. But instead of calling me or being here u want to believe I'm okay until tomorrow.. Despite knowing exactly what this is like having lost your father. I dk if this is spite or your friends, but uve made this completely worse and I feel even more alone and alienated. You make me feel like it's my fault you didn't call and my fault u aren't here when I deserve a guy who will just know hey she's alone and her mom might be very ill, I should be by her side. Most important, top priority, but the more time that goes by and that you spend w ur friends. The less u care and the more it's about you. The less it matters what I go through. I feel like I could be in the hospital and you'd still be partying in the keys. I could be dead from a car crash and u wouldn't know, bc I can wait. My feelings can wait until tomorrow. My heart can break without you. I can have the worst news of my life without you while you party. And you don't even feel like it's necessary to call

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Dear C,

 

Yes, its me, the man you told you wanted to marry and loved so much and then dumped like yesterday's newspaper.

 

It's just over 2 weeks since you broke my heart and I cannot believe how much you have changed. For you too straight up laugh at me in my face last weekend when we accidentally bumped into each other shows that I mean nothing to you. All your family and friends have told me to forget about you as I deserve better. I thought I didn't as you were perfect ever since we became a couple 18 months ago. I cried myself to sleep each and every day since you left and all you seem to do is not care and party on. Learning that you already are seeing someone else crushed me and I thank God that your own dear brother came to my rescue yesterday.

 

I dreamed that you came back to me last night, that you apologized for breaking my heart and that you realized the huge mistake you made. I dreamed that we took a walk on the beach, just like we did a few days before you left me. I dreamed that we spent the night together and woke up with you wrapped to me. Then I really woke up and the pure joy went away after a few seconds when I realized it was just a dream that will never come true. The woman I once knew, who loved me so much and who I loved with all my heart is no longer there, she is gone. That person has been replaced by a self-centered woman who only cares about herself and shows no remorse or pain at all. You brushed me aside like a speck of dust on your shoulder and you no longer give the slightest thought on what we had! Just 2 weeks after you left..

 

I know now the person I loved no longer exists and I will use this knowledge to fuel my urge to heal and move on to better things. I still wish you the best but I am not sure the new person you have become will make it last. One day you will wake up. One day you will realize what we had and what you did. But if and when that day comes, I don't think I will be there because you also changed who I was..

 

Take care.

 

S

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TO my newest ex

 

I miss you so much youre the greatest friend

I am putting distance because of whats going on and the emotions involved

But I will come here to write and get my mind off of it

I am so sad that you don't want to be with me and that you are jealous over my friends

you saw how much I changed and yet you don't trust me still you wont give me a chance and it makes me really sad

I really love you, I am in love with you, I wish I could be with you forever I am happy with you

you want space so that's what I am giving you and I have to just focus on me but it crushes me and youre not stupid you know it does crush me

 

you know I love you now and you know I want to be with you, I don't know what more I can do

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Hi baby. I tried so hard. You were so sweet most the time. I know you were jealous. I became jealous too. I was never in love until I met you. When you came back in the house and said you wanted to stay together and cried in my arms, I was scared it wouldn't last but i was so happy for that moment. I knew it wouldn't last. You filled my heart with such love. I hurt so bad now. I see you everywhere in everything I see. You are the most beautiful girl in the world when you sleep. You look like an angel. You are my Angel and I miss you so. I want to write you but I'm afraid you won't respond. I will never get over you. Goodbye my love. I wish you the best. I want you to be happy. I hope you still think of me and I hope it breaks your heart that I am gone. I hope you are thinking of me now. You probably aren't.

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Yes, I'm still in love with you, and yes, I still miss you, and yes, I wonder if you'll ever contact me again. I frustrated at how we turned our, I'm frustrated at how this developed, I'm frustrated because I'm afraid that I made mistakes that pushed you away ultimately. Honestly, I know that I would love nothing more for you to come back and tell me how much you missed me being there for you, how you feel the same way, yet you don't. And I wonder if that was my fault.

 

Part of me feels even more frustrated, because I just get the feeling that I'll never hear from you again, never touch your face again, never hold your hands again, and never kiss you again. I miss the way your fingers tightened sometimes around my hand, I miss the way you look at me when you found me cute, I miss the way you talk to me and always tell me to have faith in you. And I did, but it wasn't enough. I miss the way your hands fall around me when you sleep, I just miss everything, and knowing that I have to let go of everything is just painful. It's knowing that one day, maybe someday soon, you'll be doing the same thing to another girl. Someone who you want to be with, someone who makes you smile in that way, someone who'll appreciate all that you've done for them. And the fact that more than likely, that someone isn't me, no matter how much I want to believe it.

 

I wonder if sometimes you still think of me before you sleep, or when you wake up in the morning. I wonder if this is how we were meant to be. It's so painful for someone to step in just for a second in our lives, only to exit it again.

 

I really, truly loved you, so I sent you those texts, not really expecting anything, but you chose not to reply anyways. I know you're moving on, and I should too. But somehow losing you with such a distance gap in between us seems almost unfair. All I want to shout from the top of my lungs is that, I wish I can see you again, to have another chance, to try again. But sometimes in life, we don't really get second chances do we. And maybe with you, this was the only chance we had...

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I hate that you lost interest in me because of another girl. I hate that you guys are so easy to read and leave tracks behind... I hate that you didn't even try to fight for me, to fight for our relationship, and I hate that I had so much faith in you, because of the things you said, but you couldn't back that up. I hate that I put in all that effort to make things easier on you, and I hate that you just threw it all away. I hate that I even wrote you a message to apologize for my part of the breakup, when really, I did everything I could. I hate that I'm wondering if she is better than me, more interesting than me, smiles prettier than me, and catches your attention more than me. I think I just hate the fact that I gave you all I could, because I chose to believe in the things you said, when in reality they were just empty air. I hate that I'm suffering because of you. I hate that I met you.

 

And it's funny because this girl might be even younger than me, or just my age. You know, I think you got scared. You got scared that I was coming so soon, that all of a sudden, I was actually coming into your new life again, that somehow you have to start devoting time to me again, that I was a commitment that you were scared to make. And instead of addressing these stupid issues that I know you could have despite the differences in our language, you chose to check out of our relationship, and attach yourself somewhere else. There were no problems in our relationship, you just got cold feet and ran. we had 4 months left! You just had to wait 4 months! I know you miss the physical touch of me, but what can I do? You said you lost "physical attraction" but then physical things weren't that important, what? what does that mean?

 

Anyways I'm done. I'm not going to compare because I know she's just my age, that means its gonna be the same thing, and I know even though you're a great guy who I really loved for his values and character, and even though mentally you are so attractive (and physically) for your age, emotionally you're the same age as all of us, a guy in his early 20s who has no idea what the crap he's missing, and what he actually wants. But you know I don't care anymore. The moment I realized you were interested in this girl, is the moment I wiped my hands clean. Now I know why you deleted and hid those facebook pictures so quickly.

 

I'm done. I'm moving on. I shall never make contact with you unless you initiated it. Goodbye old friend, wish you happiness with the new potential lady friend. I shall forget you soon. I made a mistake when I thought you were mature, and mentally you are, but honestly if you really were emotionally, then you wouldn't have dated me and you wouldn't be wanting to date this girl either. because you know, we're always attracted to those who are on a similar playing field... I know I am immature, and I know I have a lot to learn, I was just hoping that I could grow with somebody.. I wonder how long you'll last with her. good luck with everything...

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Hey there,

 

I take back what I said, because I read your email. And for some reason it aches so sweetly, and so painfully down to my soul, because I know I sincerely loved you. And my heart is breaking because somehow along our journey together, you stopped feeling the same way. I wonder if you've found someone you really like, and it makes me wonder if somehow fundamentally, she has more depth in her even though I know I'm just as special. For the first time I dated someone who I felt I could truly connect with, whom I could verbalize why I loved you so much.

 

You feel like a passing season, here for a minute, touching my life, healing me, showing me a way, and gone in a second. But deep, deep down when I first started dating you, I already knew you weren't going to be in my life forever. I don't know, I just knew. And when you ended it, I also knew, because I felt in my core that somehow we'll never spend another second together as a couple. I'm aching yet my tears won't even come because I've been sick these weeks...

 

There are many many thing I wish I could say to you, but I'll lock them away, inside, for now, until the lock has rusted away, and I no longer feel the need to remind myself that memories of you haunt me.

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I realize the mistake I made with you. How you ended up "taking care" of me when I should've been taking care of myself. And I wonder if I turned back time, if things would've been different. But I realize that there is no such thing. And that it's not just me. I was responsible for 50% of the breakup, but you are too. We are all human, and we all made mistakes. And so I forgive you, just like how I'll forgive myself, for not realizing it sooner. I wish you well.

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Appreciating how absolutely frightening is our connection. Broken as it is and flawed as it was.

 

Frighteningly deep and impactful.

 

It is no better imagining the connection as unilateral or bilateral. Doesn't matter. I danced with heroin, my needlemarks are not on my arm but my soul. It often felt like I was with devil. It seems so awful to say it that I never spoke it out loud, not even here. But clothed in passion, brilliance, strength, leadership was this man who could do no right,who was as addictive as life itself. Who hid from truth because it hurt him too, because it kept him from what he wanted, and his needs were paramount.

 

Yes, you captured me, Sir, and you ended up captured, too. I am in awe of what was and what will never be.

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Haha there are many many thoughts I think I knew that I've been denying, or maybe just really reluctant to accept.

In the back of my mind, even after dating you for this short period of time, I knew we had a year at the most. I had faith in you and chose to ignore my intuition, but I knew. And now, its the same thing when I just felt that we'll never date again. It's because you really just stopped loving me. And that's the ultimate finality of everything that I'm trying to accept. That its so hard to grab and hold on to, because I need to learn to just let go. Our chapter has closed and I'll put you on my bookshelf, and maybe one day when I'm cuddling with another man, I'll pull you out and think of you. I know we're done, and I wish you well, truly. Because I loved you unconditionally, with everything I had.

 

Now there's absolutely no turning back. Maybe in the end, we were just not as compatible as I thought. I will face forward with everything I have. Loving you was easy, you had many many things I wanted in a man. Letting go will be difficult, but I know I'm already on the road. Thank you for teaching me what a healthy relationship is like, thank you for teaching me what I like, thank you for showing me what character and values are, and thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for showing me I should have goals and dreams, thank you for caring for me when I needed you, and thank you for setting me off on my life journey. One day I will find another man who will reflect all of this back to me, when I become someone like that. And you will remain a precious antique book on my bookshelf.

 

Thank you for everything, I really mean it. And really, I wish you the best. I hope you realize that every word I've said about being grateful and appreciative has been the truth. And honestly, I think the reason we didn't work out in the end, is because you're at a different stage of life than me. Maybe I'm nearly there in being a woman, and maybe you're just a second away from being a man. I hope you find who you're looking for, and I will smile one day for the both of you.

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