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I am still not having sex with anyone else... never even kissed anyone else because I still feel like it betrays my feelings for you which logically is ridiculous because you are getting enough for us both right now. I'm not like you, quick fcking and rebounding to push away past feelings. I was getting okay with it because I bought your lie of met someone you like and want to date so I figured was about 30 and settling down, but all lies. We could have been married at 25 for you if you wanted to settle down maybe this is good I see my what my future would have been if married 5 yrs ago and you doing this now. I think you are your dad.. one day you'll admit to yourself, even your sister sees it.

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I find myself waking up to tears. I miss your good morning/ goodnight texts and the constant communication we had throughout the day hmm...I feel kinda ridiculous. I'm angry, more disappointed but still miss your smile and your laugh and the chemistry between us. All I have are good memories at the moment I really don't want to think of the bad. When I broke it off with you, you said you were hurting even whipped away a tear. Was that pretend? Are you as hurt as I am? I will never know. You said you didn't want to stop communication but that is kinda selfish don't you think? Or was it that you wanted to still play with my emotions and try to still have your cake and eat it too? I got played by the ultimate player you are too good. I guess it takes years of practice but you're only 29. I don't think that's old. I guess you can learn the game at any age but you failed cause you got caught and wasn't smart about how you hid it. Time to pick up the pieces and walk away with dignity. I'm not going to try and fight for you if you really love me like you said then you'd come to me which I don't foresee happening. Lot's of love to enotalone your site is helping me progress and I hope I don't message him.

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After more than a year everything has faded. I don't miss you but I miss feeling loved. After Steve I feel suddenly like I'm missing that part of life and I'm lonely all over again.

 

I don't understand why this with Jamie has got me so worked up and why it feels so linked with you. Is it that he lied to Lisa, he judged and shamed me or that the subject itself is so inextricably linked to you?? All I'm hearing in head is your words. I thought I had left them behind but I'm not sure that I ever well.

 

I guess I am unloveable.

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It's day three of NC and I'm so depressed I can't believe the lies you had to tell me to get in my pants. It would have been so much better if you were honest with me. Then again you knew I wouldn't have talked to you if you were. I knew the people in this world was cruel but just never thought this would happen to me. I told you I was in love with you and you looked me in my eye's and told me the same thing. You even asked me to say I love you in your language. I tried not to say I love you often only because I thought it would have been too much but found that you started saying it more than I was saying it to you before I called it off. Last time we were intimate you said you loved me now I'm so hurt. I don't understand how you could do this to a person and not have a conscience as to know what you were doing was wrong. I just wish this pain would go away, I find myself cutting again and it's been years. I just hope I will be able to move on from you soon. I hate feeling this way when I'm usually a bubbley person. I'm afraid to go out because every time I do and I bump into a neighbor or friend I want to cry. I hope I'm okay for work tomorrow. This sucks cause I'll be having to talk to people all day. Have I crossed your mind at all this weekend or are you enjoying talking to other women? If that's the case? How do you pretend with your wife? I think deep down she knows something's up. .... If not, how are you able to hide it so well?

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I'm literally done, completely and absolutely done with you. I've had enough. Last year was the worst year of my life, because of you, you broke my heart.

 

Last year, in December I promised myself that this year was a new start for me, I was gonna cut out all the bullsh1t but then you came back and I broke my promise. When you came back, I just wanted everything how it used to be because I missed you. All I wanted was for you to be happy, didn't matter how I felt.

 

I told you I missed you and I got no reply. I'm done trying to be in your life, I shouldn't have to fight for a place. If you want me in your life, you know where I am otherwise I'm not bothered. I'm not making an effort when you clearly don't give a sh1t. I'm done with all that, I had enough last year.

 

Believe me, I still miss you and I wanna text you but I can't anymore. I can't let what happened, happen all over to me again.

 

I've gotta do this, for myself.

 

As for you, you haven't changed. You're still making promises you can't keep..

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I have made a promise to myself not to contact you. I've blocked you from FB and Skype (and haven't checked either in days which is a record for me). I know I did nothing wrong at all and letting you go was the only thing I could do so you could figure your stuff out. Sadly, I know you are not missing me as much as I am missing you since you have someone else to spend time with. So, I know this hurt you to (or at least I'm trying to believe it hurts you too), and have an inkling you might think it fine to reach out to me. Given the fact you thought it was ok to make out with me on our last conversation (kudos to me for having none of that and more self-respect for me), and wanting to be friends, and leaving all those hints of possibilities of us getting back together (and I quote something about "showing up on your back doorstep in the future"). I can only have an inkling you might reach out first to temper the guilt you're feeling for your selfish choice just to see how I'm doing. Well, I'll have none of it. If you want to talk to me the only thing I want to hear from you is that you made a big mistake, you've figured it out, and you have a HUGE apology for me and some solid reasons why we should try to work it out. You lost the chance to "be my friend" when you make your choice. I will NOT be your safety net while you figure this out.

 

I'm moving on. Window is closing.

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This thread came to me at the right time.

 

Sophie needs me and of course, as always, I'm there for her. But what the Lord giveth, he taketh away and now I feel emotionally weak. I gave her the best pep talk of my life yet saved none for me, and now I need you. To cry. To vent.

 

I miss you.

 

Are you okay? How was your day? Did you eat?

 

I need you.

 

 

Came accross some old emails---old as in barely a month ago you sent them. WTH? what happened to us?

Edited by spr
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You've been emailing me almost everyday asking if im okay. Im fine but it just this mask im wearing. I will never reply to you. Give up and leave me in peace.

 

You hurt me SO much...you think I am always the one to be fixed. Its always ME that is the one with the problem. Well let me tell you something! Sleeping with someone 1 day after you see me is sickening. Then claiming that woman meant nothing to you and was just someone you were using to compare her to me. What does that make you?? You are a user. You used that woman and its disgusting. You only want sex and thats all youve ever wanted.

 

Then stupidly I listened to you and saved all your text messages. You told me to be free and available because you'd be there for me and move in. It was all lies. You kept fighting with me and then I find out you have been seeing another woman and didn't have the guts to tell me? You kissed her and again you claim "we are just friends it means nothing". What is YOUR definition of "friends"! EVERY woman you meet you sleep with or kiss! What is wrong with you????

 

You have lost me forever. You are just a player and I hate you.

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Do you even think of what you've done to me? I'm in so much pain. It feels like I'm in a hole I can't get out of. I wish you'd apologize to me for what you've done and really mean it. I know or at least think that your apologies before didn't mean anything, they weren't sincere because if you were really sorry you wouldn't have put me through this. I feel like an idiot. I feel used up and that all I'm good for is sex. How do you feel knowing that you've made me feel cheap? I try to drown you out of my mind by doing other things but I can't seem to. I wish there was something to erase you from my memory. This hurt is as painful as when I left my first love. Why? I TOLD you how I felt about you but you strung me along, WHY? You are so cruel, you aren't human, you're so evil and I will never forgive you for this well even if I forgive I will never forget the pain you've caused me. You are no better than a bully and I don't wish bad for anyone but I hope you feel what this feels like one day.

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Sometimes when I see a movie and the emotions in it..take me into a place where we still are together. It is like you maybe you never left or maybe you'll come back. I just see your smile in the park. That was my favorite photo. I love you very much. I'm too old and too tired to want to even move anymore. I just miss your innocence and your presence and your smile. Here's wishing you'll come back some day...I wish that more than anything else. More than all the peace or happiness or wealth or beauty in the world, just you, by my side. Grief has no currency, no value, like they said in the movie..but it is the one thing that everyone, me included, will trade for anything to get over with.

 

We are both too old now to have kids. That's ok too, doesn't matter anymore. I just want you to come back, is all...I love you very very much A.

-H

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What a horrid ending to almost 7 years together. I cannot believe the MESS of a woman, you left me for. MESS! DUI's, drug charges, possible jail time..at least rehab. It's something out of a nightmare. Aren't we a little too old for this crap? I had no idea that you will willing to throw everything away in order to babysit this loser. I know you are obsessed with her. I know it's lust. I know her body, I know her sex appeal. But believe me, that will wear off, and you will be left with her ADHD, her alcoholism, her addiction to her meds, her not ever having a drivers license again, her basic totally dependent existence. A part of me knows you are getting a boner from this. You want to be that knight on the white steed. I was way too strong for you...a quality you used to admire.

 

I am a good person, who was caught up in your vacuum. You sucked me in, ruined my self esteem. I supported your ass for a year, and this is what you do?

You owe me tons of money, that now I have to just write off as an expensive lesson. F You. Right now, I currently hate you. Right now, I hope this loser wigs out and either goes to jail...which she deserves, or sobers up and realizes what an enabling sponge you are. I know you don't believe I will go full No Contact and disappear. I know a part of you thinks you can contact me on your terms, on a whim...when you need to vent or need some money. You have no friends. I was the best friend you ever had. Right now, you are so infatuated with her 38D chest, you arent thinking about a week, a month down the road. At some point, this dysfunctional trainwreck of a relationship you are in, is going to crash and burn. I don't HOPE that it will, I just KNOW that it will. And guess what? For the first time in over 7 years, I WILL NOT BE THERE. EVER.

 

You have hurt me beyond comprehension. The thought of another man right now makes me want to vomit, thanks for that! I hope you are enjoying your hot drunken sex, taking her to the courthouse, awaiting her possible sentencing. Man, look at those words. How screwed up is that? At our age?? I really do hate you. As mean and rotten as this sounds, I hope this woman completely F's you up. I may or may not know about it. It may not happen for quite a long time. I let you ruin my life. Partially my fault...and I am willing to own up to it and never let a man do this to me again. But YOU? You...will never, ever learn.

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I miss you the most late and night and early in the morning. I go through and hate myself for FB stalking those three girls you slept with when you were with me... comparing again.

 

I feel used. So used. You will never realise how much you have hurt me and youll never apologize and always blame me. Someone else is always to blame right? You blame your anger on your dad. Your depression and sadness from your family and first gf. You are always saying to me that there is no excuses. Why is it different for you?

 

Why do you get to judge me. I always feel judged. Constantly. I showed you everything! I believed you when you told me that everything had changed. I finally trusted a man. You. And in the end you broke it... you couldn't tell me.

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