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[bearsuit]

That is so beautiful. I hope you'll heal soon.

[BobbyC]

I am in agony. I am so scared you won't be there when I get home. What am I going to do?

[fentiger]

I miss you so much. I wonder what you're up to and if you ever think of me. I need to stop thinking about things you said and did just before you broke up with me because it is confusing me. Im so scared about you never being in my life again you mean so much to me. I love you.

[OneBrightStar]

You haven't contacted me ...

[OptomisticGirl]

I miss you. I miss everything about you. Everthing. I miss us.

 

Why can't we try? Why can't we try and save us? Am I asking too much?

[WomanWriter]

Goodbye Closure Letter (Probably Not the Last One)

 

Dear L,

 

I guess your feelings for me really have gone. I don't want to believe it because it seemed like you really cared for me over those years, and I wish you still did.

 

There is so much I wish I could say to you. I want the chance to apologize to you in person for many of the things I said to you, the way I acted, the burden I put on you. I know it will do no use, though. It would be more for me than for you. You are, I assume, happy with your new girlfriend and I bet it is serious, or other people wouldn't have known what was going on. Now you are no longer afraid to share it with the world (you've never been one for public attention, so you must really love her).

 

I don't know how much you lied or misled me, but I don't hate you. I just wish I could have been "in" on the story that was going on in your head, and maybe between you and your family, while you were getting ready to end our relationship.

 

There are so many memories that I can't help crying over. I feel a need to grieve them. Remember the time we went ice skating on New Years Eve and then to Zachary's pizza? We had our first kiss that night...my very first kiss with anyone...it was like milk chocolate mints...remember? Remember the time the security guy drove us around campus in his truck? What about the board games in the tutoring center after dark or you waiting for me on campus until 10:30 pm just to give me a ride home?

 

I will miss the way your ears turned bright red when you were cold...and your tight hugs after a weekend apart. Or the way Milo used to sit on your shoulder while you were reading a book when we were house-sitting. I will miss cooking dinners with you, shopping for toiletries and having brunch on sundays.

 

I will miss the way your face lit up when I said "yes" to playing Star Wars with you or Settlers of Catan. I will miss your arrogance when we played Scrabble and you won. I will miss you talking about your days of camp with passion in your eyes.

 

I know now that you got back involved with Boy Scout camp. You loved it, and I am happy for you and love you even though my heart is broken that you left me to become involved again.

 

Why? You were my beautiful "Milk Chocolate Eel" and I was your lovely "Fair One" and "Care Bear"

 

You held me when my mom was in the hospital and let me cry on you all night. Thank you. You came to family gatherings you rather not have.

 

Our relationship had problems, but I loved you very much. I always loved you...since the day we exchanged bracelets and GI Joes to the day you came over to see my pet rats....to the day your dad intimidated me when we first met...to the night out with your lesbian lawyer friends to discuss politics....and so much more that can never ever disappear.

 

All these things remind me of you...how can I move on and forget you? You *were* my life. I know that is unhealthy and sad, but for a long time I was happy. I used to thank God that we had each other and smile every time you looked in my eyes and said you couldn't wait for me to have your babies.

 

I am truly heart-broken. I know others have been heart broken, but I don't think anyone has ever hurt this bad. You were the best friend I ever had. I gave everything I had to you and you didn't want me in the end.

 

You got me to see I was "beautiful," even as you wiped my vomit from the floor in the hospital. But now I must question everything. You really must have felt it, then, but why, when I lost my job and became depressed, did it all change? Did the person you loved (the old me) just disappear?

 

Do you still love the "real Jen?" Or did you stop loving her because of the burden she became to you?

 

I changed in your eyes...and for that, I guess you changed in mine. I was devestated to see such a wonderful man turn bitter and angry towards me and life in general. That wasn't the man I knew. You hated your boss, your job, your classes...

 

You said I was complacent and accepted you when you were unhealthy. I loved you. I accepted you, but that doesn't mean I was happy.

 

I guess you didn't think I wanted what was best for you. You figured I would just cling to you no matter how unhealthy it was or despite that you wanted more out of life.

That wasn't it at all. I did want you to be happy, more than anything. And I want to be happy more than anything. I just wish we could have been happy together and I know we could have if we gave things time.

 

But it's too late and you don't love me. Why couldn't you talk to me...I mean really talk to me, not argue....sooner?

[WomanWriter]

I remember the night we were working at Adventure Camp and we hadn't made love in 2 weeks so we were bursting with passion. I snuck in the ranch house and we fooled around with people in the next room. What was hilarious is that you were the Program Director and it was your rule that girls and guys couldn't share dorms (we even argued about it, remember...lol). Remember the rule: "No purple--ing (pink and blue in bed make purple)."

 

I can't forget that other time we shared a dorm with twin beds but we had to wait til after dark to go to bed or the younger campers would know what we were doing. You took of my panties and...I'll leave it at that for now. That was awesome though. I even enjoyed shooting arrows in Archery and shooting a gun with you.

 

Thanks for buying Ape Escape just so I could play with you. I used to rib you for getting me videogames for holidays but you REALLY wanted me to play with you. I'm sorry I made you feel like you were just a dumb little boy and implied that I had more "grown up" things in my life to worry about than some dumb useless videogames. I'm so sorry!

 

Last Thanksgiving, seeing your cousin play the drums was fun. You stood there all proud of your girl (me), your arm around my shoulder, as we rocked out to the music with your family.

 

I was finally fitting in with the whole group. I had been kinda shy before. Remember the discussions I had with your dad about spanking kids? I told him I would never spank our kids, but he said they might need it and we went round and round in a big argument, trying to find errors in each other's logic. You just sat there and laughed.

 

Or the nights I talked to your mom about family trees, work, abortions, recipes, etc. I loved your mom and was really happy she was going to be my mother in law. Who could be luckier?

 

My dad and other relatives adored you...and that is hard to come by! My dad is very picky and never even used to let me look at guys in magazines. He said he was impressed with your intelligence (when you talked politics and military stuff with him) and thought you were "one good lookin fella." Yes, you were. Even with your afro.

 

Then there were nights at the Marina...doing it in your car...or trying...or bird watching. Remember when we went hiking in the rain? We were full of mud and we made out all soaked and filthy. THAT WAS GREAT!

 

I remember you taking me to the redwoods, brushing my hair on a big rock in the middle of a stream. You showed me how to *properly* skip rocks. We had a picnic. It was awesome.

 

You took me to comic conventions, movies at the IMax, ice skating, bowling, or just to your house to sit there and eat fast food (I regret the fast food, as we both put on weight...one downfall of our relationship).

 

I guess I never acted satisified enough. I always said I wanted more romance...more little notes, more "I love yous." But what was sad was that I felt like you did love me in all your actions...taking me to work in the morning, rescuing me on the subway when my wallet was stolen, all those things you did to be there for me.

 

The most touching thing I remember is the night we had a fight, years ago. You were really tired and we were house-sitting for your aunt (well, you were...she didn't know I was staying with you). I started to talk to you and you fell asleep! I was so upset because what I was telling you was important to me. I got out of bed, threw the special bracelet you made me accross the room, and slept on the couch. I was shivering and cold.

 

You couldn't sleep, so you got up to check on me. I pretended to be asleep on the couch. You came up to me, just stood there, picked up my bracelet and put it safely on the table next to me, then went and got me a blanket, which you used to cover my angry, unforgiving self. Even though you were just tired and it wasn't your fault, you treated me with forgiveness and love.

 

But that changed, didn't it? You held so much resentment towards me all these years, that you finally decided to blame me for things that were not even my fault.

 

In a way, I can understand it. Now it's my turn to go get the blanket of forgiveness and love from the closet and put it on you, who simply doesn't care for me anymore, from what it seems. Now it is my turn to be the bigger person, like you were all those years.

 

And it is time to learn to get the blanket for myself too. To cover the little, freezing, angry child who doesn't want to forgive.

[WomanWriter]

I want to add some more...even if I take all day doing this. It is cleansing for me to get this all out sooner rather than later and I'm lonely now. I just took a walk to the store to get a couple new work-out outfits for the winter. I shouldn't be spending money, but I just did a writing project and earned 170 bucks. I wonder if you'd be proud, like you once were, or if you'd say "So what. You got paid to write English tests. Not exactly Virginia Woolf." No, I don't think you'd say that. You'd probably say nothing because it doesn't concern you anymore. I don't concern you.

 

It was good to leave the house for a bit. I took a shower and washed my hair, cleaned myself up, and smiled at everyone I saw today. I was happy when they smiled back. At first I was self-conscious because the skin around my eyes is so puffy that you can barely see my eyes at all, but I am not going to hide. A big black dog ran up to me on my walk home and started kissing and jumping on me. Ahh...I love black labs! Her owner...a middle aged man... smiled at me and we both laughed. I told the dog to lie down but she tried to chase me down the street. That was fun.

 

I wish you could have been there. I miss walking through the neighborhood with you, Lee. Remember when we'd look at the houses and pick out the ones we wanted? You would tell me what you would do with the yards and I would make up scenarios for who possibly lived there? Then we'd critique the color, size, fence, etc. We'd walk hand in hand or arm in arm and run into other couples that would smile and we'd smile back.

Or we'd debate the latest news issues? I'd always find a way to punch a hole in your arguments and you'd get pissed but you'd keep going. You wouldn't let up and let me win. We would go at it all night. And then you'd tell me how smart I was but that you were still right. I'd say "yeah right whatever" and pretend to be mad, then we'd kiss and I'd say "I like you, Lee" and you'd respond "I like you too, Jen" Of course we loved each other, but it was almost more special when we said "I like you" to each other. We even said that not long before the break-up. Were you lying or did you still like me?

 

I am sad that you don't like me anymore. At least your mom does. She even sent me something on FB today. I really like her and hope I can find a mother in law just as cool as your mom.

[WomanWriter]

Ohh..it's hurting...physically...my chest is hurting. I just thought to myself, how did the two of you get together? Did you ask her out? Did she ask you? Did you have "the talk" like we did? Oh man. So many questions that I almost don't want to know the answers to, but at the same time, I am hurting thinking about you sharing these new feelings of infatuation, dates, ice skating, first kisses...with someone else. Does she rub your head through your hair? Do you play with HER hair? Did she take you to meet her family and were they more fun than mine? What does your family think--especially your dad (he didn't like me much)? What about your brothers? Do they say "Yeah man! Good going...no offense, but she's cuter than J" ?

 

Do you sneak her in your bedroom like you used to do with me? Will she play Halo with you like I wouldn't? Maybe she's more witty and sarcastic and "challenges" you. Did you learn from our relationship how to be more romantic? Do you bring her little cards...or roses? Do you say "I love you?"

 

It is suddenly not "too cold" to go out and have fun? Are you suddenly not "too broke" to do things? Do you have the motivation to dance around and "be yourself" and be happy? Well, if it's real, then good, I guess.

 

I love you. I hope you are happy if it's legit. But if you are just using her to make yourself feel like a "man" after our break up, that's sad. If you're with her because you want a woman to "keep you in your place" like your brother's ex wife tried to do, then all I have to say is that I hope she breaks your heart just like that woman did to your brother. I hope you stopped trying to save women or using them as your savior. I couldn't save you and you couldn't save me. I'm sorry about that, but we have to save ourselves.

 

I just hope this is for the right reasons and if it's not, I hope it ends sooner rather than later.

[fLuiD]

I didn't want to lose you, but because I had to, all I really wanted was a chance to leave with a good impression on you. You became the typical person who can only remember an ex for all the pain they caused. You also don't see when someone is truly remorseful for everything they have done to you...

[referralreward]

I know just how you feel womanwriter. It's so hard for me to understand how my wife can change her feelings and replace me so quickly after being together for 14 years. You sound like a good person and you will meet some other lucky guy when you least expect it. It is hard to let go of the memories while thinking about how remote the odds seem that we will ever be as happy again. I have learned so much and needed to grow. The next person that comes along will definitely benefit but I just wish she would just see how it could be with the new me. I wonder if she is really happier with him than when she experienced the honeymoon period with me? I think that the both of us need to try not to take it so personal. I guess this is to be expected in life.

[amabel196]

I swear, if your friend A tells me to get over it one more time I am going to scream.

[confusedgirrl]

so you have probably been at work for at least 30 mins now and you havent emailed me. I usually get a good morning or wake up within 5 mins of you being at work but today I get nothing. I kinda expected this to happen, this is always what happens with you, I get so caught up in you and do something stupid and you withdraw from me and leave me hurting until you decide I am worthy of your attention again. I cant do it anymore, I wont do it anymore, I am tired of feeling like this. Just let me get on with living my life without you in it.

[dandan78]

I guess there is nothing left to say.

 

You can't even look at me now if we pass on the street.

 

Outside of therapy, I haven't cried for 10 days. I still think about you both and what you are up to. Wondering what you are doing for Christmas and some really daft, "little" stuff.

 

I wish it didn't have to be this way xx

[JLaRI]

I am so confused and lost. you will never know this because i am playing "ill be fine role"...wonder if i should let you know im not ok. anyways, you suck, why wouldnt you want to be with me. i would be amazing with you...forever...you can walk away from that? CRAZY.

[bish0p2004]

I miss you and the times we had together. I regret that I didn't say I loved you enough. I regret not being more sexual with you. I regret keeping you at a distance. I regret taking you for granted.

[mechie22]

i just want to txt you. Id even start a petty fight just so i know you will definitely answer. Ive been so sad and hurting all I want is a hug. Tell me its gonna be ok you jerk!!

[JonasWaingaro]

Howdy. How are you?! How is tough guy? I worry about you guys so much. It hurts I've been shut out of your lives, more then you know. I saw some super cute christmas stuff I wanted to get for you/'us'. I guess I won't get them. I still have b'day gift. I don't know what to do with it. I wonder what you've done with all my stuff. You never asked me if I wanted it back. Why? Anyhoo I miss you. Do you ever think of me? Wonder where I am or what I do? I suppose not. That makes me very sad.

[OptomisticGirl]

i miss you so much right now. in this moment i can feel your hand on my lower back, that special place i loved for you to rub. you were always warmer then me (in body heat) and i loved your hand on my back. in this moment i fee hope. i feel like we could make it. that all those moments together will prevail and your love for me will win. why havent you called? do you think about me inbetween sleep, work, and playing your xbox? do you cry yourself to sleep thinking about me? do you ever cry at all?

[BobbyC]

I can't believe you actually went through with it. Was it hard or did you feel relieved? Why didn't you atleast take everything? You left some stuff here. Why would you do that? Is this some kind of test or game your playing? I'm sorry for everything that has happened. I hope you miss having me next to you as much as I do. Meep.

[Nappyloxs]

Damn: I am just sitting here thinking about how the timing of the breakup sucks. I know you are not coming back and have moved forward with your life and that is cool. I know that my financial situation caused us many problems. You wanted stability and I could not provide that. You wanted to do things, and I kept making excuses because I was broke. Since the very day of the breakup, things have picked up. I am financially able to do things, it still is very month to month, but at least I am not stressed about money like I use to be. Financially stability, not yet. But I am more comfortable. It will still be month to month for sometime. I just wish you were here to share this with. You stayed through down, but left the very day things started turning around. I guess God just works in mysterious ways.

[Melting]

You say u want to be friends for now, but when I leave u be u make snide remarks about my distancing myself. You act jealous, u tell me if i have let go so will u now... u dumped me!

 

Please just leave me be so I can heal and get on with my life. I really love you, but until u say those words i want u back (which u wont) I don't wish to talk too u at all!

[OLinSA]

I am slowly but surely getting accustomed to not having you. In fact, I realize how less and less I think of you in the hurting way I did when we ended our relationship. Now all I feel are the vestiges of what once was but the searing pain is no more. Just some sadness for what could have been. No regrets, though.

 

I am very happy with my life right now. I am deeply in love with W and I realize how much she loves me. I made mistakes but without them I may not have been able to reach this point. To know how much I am loved by the right person in my life. Not you but her. I knew it all along, I guess, but was blind. I think you knew it too but we needed each other during that time in our lives. I guess we don't need each other anymore. It would be nice to be friends but I don't know if I could ever forget enough about our past to be able to do it. Only time will tell.

[amabel196]

I miss you.

 

I can't believe you told A that you don't care if he has a relationship with me and that you and I don't have a friendship anymore. Does the fact that he is your close friend and he has feelings for me make it hard for you at all?

 

I suppose not. I want to be alone Ricky, I don't want someone to just swoop in and replace you, I'm not ready for that! It might have been how things happened when D left and we started to be together, but this is different. That was after one year, but we were together for three years Rick, I can't move on that quickly. It has been a quarter of a year and you are still all that I think about every second of the day. I don't know how to block it out or make it go away. I don't know if I even want it to. I don't suppose I do, do I? Does that make me a masochist?

 

Why did you say I am distorted? Is the fact that I am still grieving what makes me distorted? That is f**ked up Ricky. Just because I am greiving, that does not mean that I am distorted. It means that I am hurting, that I am in so much pain.

 

Also, if you don't care about me, why do you try to spend as little time with me as possible? If you were over the relationship, you would be able to stand being near me and talking to me. I'd say on the inside you are a little upset as well.

 

Tell A to back off, because I don't want him. I miss you Rick.

 

I'd say to please come back soon, but I know you won't.

[sophie274]

Today's not such a good day. Not doing well on the school front, and sorely tempted to write to you. Trying to resist because I know it won't end well.

 

Can't believe you haven't even been tempted to get in touch with me (or maybe you have been tempted). Feels like a big slap in the face that you don't care. And, in the irony of life, I got to throw the crap you gave me right back into someone's face, who didn't deserve that at all. Made me feel terrible. What I said to him was similar to what you said to me - that you're sorry but you just don't care enough. Ouch. Can't believe you could feel the same way about me as I do about someone I've known for about 5 minutes.

 

Why can't YOU be in love with me?! But I don't know that I would even take you back if you came back to me now. Actually, screw that, I probably would, not because it would be a good idea, but because if I rejected you then I could only have myself to blame, and I don't deal well with responsibility. Oi. I don't know what it's going to take for me to snap out of this rut I'm in.