Girls:How important is it that you're referred to as beautiful in order to feel good about yourself?

[hers]

I am not one of those people that would ever be referred to as beautiful. I know this. I am sometimes referred to as cute, but very rarely pretty, and never beautiful. I wonder if this should have a bearing on how I feel about myself.

 

Some days, I feel pretty. Some days, I feel cute. I never feel beautiful though. Is it b/c no one else out tehre thinks I'm beautiful and that's why I don't feel like it, or is it b/c I don't think I'm beautiful that people also don't think so? What's "beautiful" anyway?

 

I feel like the level of beauty goes like this:

Ugly

Plain

Cute

Pretty

Beautiful

 

Most days, I'm plain or cute. I have a prominent nose that, to me, is more noticeable as a profile shot than from a front shot. I have a big, happy smile, which I feel like adds in a little extra for me. My eyes are multicolored, which is unusual for most, and that gives me a boost too. That's why I feel like I'm not teetering on the ugly/plain sides.

 

I watch some girls on ENA post their pics on the photo thread and they get "Oh my god, you are gorgeous!" or "Beautiful!!" or "I wish I could look like you!" When I post, I get "You have a nice smile!" or "You're cute!" or something. The compliments are nice but I can't help feeling a little envious of the girls who get called beautiful.

 

I feel like I make up for looks in personality. I'm the funny one. The next day, though, I feel like I said the wrong thing and that I wasn't attractive in the way I carried myself verbally.

 

I do like myself. Most days. I hate my new haircut, but I know I'll like my hair in a couple weeks when it grows out, and I'll know not to go back to the same girl next time. But a lot of me feels self-conscious. Not in my weight--I accept that and I think I have a cute shape and dress the part. But with my skin condition, acne, oddly-placed tattoos, gap in my front teeth (getting more and more prominent every day, I feel like), and large nose, I don't see beauty. No one else does either, based on feedback I get from not only ENA but other people/places also. Friends call me beautiful, but sometimes I wonder if they're doing that b/c they're my friends or b/c I really am. I can never tell, mostly b/c it's all written on Facebook or somethng.

 

This thread sounds like I'm constantly downing my looks, but I'm really not. Some days I go through this "I'm not beautiful" sort of thing. I just took a bunch of pictures of myself with my camera on different settings and all I could see was that my lips are crooked if I don't smile. I feel like I shoudl be seeing more than that.

 

Is it important that you see yourself as beautiful in order for others to see you as beautiful? Or is it important for you to be seen as beautiful to others before you can see yourself that way? Which should come first? Do you settle wiht the fact that you're not beautiful and just accept that you're something less than that? How do you get through it when it brings you down?

[Ivory_Tower]

I think that its important to see REAL beauty. That is when a person is very kind and their actions are reflective of who they are as a person. I would much rather someone thought highly of me because of who I was, and not because of how I looked.

 

I mean, everyone likes compliments but at the end of the day I feel good about myself because of my choices and what I've accomplished. Being referred to as beautiful is not that important to me, its always nice, but it shouldn't be the only thing that my self esteem needs.

 

That applies to you too!

[hers]

Thanks, IT. For me, it's never all about looks, but sometimes it's nice to be assured that you've got more than personality sometimes. Not all the time. I would certainly prefer to be recognized as a good person who loves others instead of being recognized for my appearance and nothing else. But it's nice to get it every once and a while. Compliments feel nice, especially when you don't get them often.

[lila...]

Well unfortunately for me, what others think or say about me affects me a lot. I'm super sensitive, so yeah...I usually let others be the judge. When someone calls me beautiful, I feel beautiful. When I don't get looks, I feel ugly. Lol. It shouldn't be that way of course, because you won't be beautiful in everyone's eyes, but I can't help that I'm very sensitive and what others think of me affects me.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't know how much people's comments on my "beauty" affect me.

 

I know I'm a narcissist, so, perhaps I already have a skewed view of myself. I more than likely do think I'm a looker on that day. But, I sometimes feel down. On the whole though, I'm up about my looks. I never see a guy as being out of my league.

 

My mother often makes comments on my skin, weight, tan, clothes...all of which are negative comments. I asked her if I looked cute today and she laughed at me. Really, it's my fault for mistaking her for someone who wasn't a complete * * * * * . Her comments rarely ever effect me though.

 

I don't know if that's because my self esteem is too high for her to hurt me, or perhaps it's more that my narcissism and my boyfriend's comments counteract her put downs.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way hers and I hope you feel better soon.

 

I'm sorry I don't have much of anything constructive to say.

[scared and alone]

I have been complimented a lot since high school and still, I NEVER believe anybody lol. I think they're just being nice. And I either think that A) i'm just apparently having a good looks day, or B) they have bad taste.

 

Yeah, im screwed up. lol

 

I will tell you though, at my last job, it was a self-esteem booster, I got complimented quite a few times by customers lol. Out of no where too. Like one time, I was checking this guy out (as in, ringing up his purchases) and when he went to leave he said 'you are really pretty by the way' and i was like O.O wow. thanks. haha. very unexpected. Especially since, he was attractive and i'm well, not.

[Ivory_Tower]

Thanks, IT. For me, it's never all about looks, but sometimes it's nice to be assured that you've got more than personality sometimes. Not all the time. I would certainly prefer to be recognized as a good person who loves others instead of being recognized for my appearance and nothing else. But it's nice to get it every once and a while. Compliments feel nice, especially when you don't get them often.

 

I would rather be referred to as "really smart" any day! That would make me feel much better about myself.

 

In my book trying to be a good person is just as important!

[90_hour_sleep]

from the male perspective...

 

we're very much conditioned in how we view beauty. we live in a box. it has four walls...and it's difficult to see outside of the box sometimes. we're bombarded by images of 'beauty'...but it's not necessarily what we actually know to be true...it's just impossible to avoid.

 

that may be skirting the issue. but i think there's some validity to it. beauty can't be defined. it's all subjective. unfortunately...the collective mind has a very narrow perception about what it is.

 

take what you have...find comfort in your own body. know your body for what it is. it isn't really you. there's something nice about the idea that to truly know someone...you need to look past the form. beauty can be a curse in that sense. you're superficial fuel for people who are stuck in the external world. you'll inevitably attract a few people who are out to use you in some fashion. you're a means to an end for them.

 

i dunno.

[greywolf]

I guess what it really comes down to is how important being beautiful is to you. I think how you feel about yourself does play a significant part though. I notice that I seem to get more attention on the days that I do feel pretty.

 

I spent most of my life believing my sister was prettier than I am. I didn't really care because being pretty was never that important to me (it's become more important to me now that I feel like I'm getting older lol). It turns out that my sister and I are probably about equal in looks. She gets twice the attention that I get though. It's her personality. She's friendly and funny and those things are by far more important than how you look.

[hers]

I think a lot of it has to do that I have been single for over a year now, and I haven't been "validated" (b/c that's all it really is is validation) by a guy in so long. And the guy I finally decided I liked enough to take a chance and tell him didnt like me back, but for reasons I don't know (it could have nothing to do with my looks for all I know).

 

How does one get such high self-esteem that he or she woudl refer to him or herself as a narcissist?

[pinkelephant]

Ya, I never get called beautiful either. I'm okay with that. I hate taking pictures for the same reason you do. I over-scrutinize myself. All I see is flaw. I really do think the key is seeing beauty in yourself. On days where I feel confident, I can look in the mirror and go "man, I am so cuuuuute!". On days where I DON'T, I can't even look at the mirror because I think I'm so ugly. which is dumb because it's the same face! lol

 

I never thought about the beautiful thing too much. It's not too important. People has only called me cute/pretty. I think I only get called beautiful by friends, too. Some people just have a cuter face, you know? My best friend in high school was what you call a classical beauty. Nobody would call her cute, then she'd get all omg, why not. But seriously... just appreciate what you have! Work with it. Cheer up~

[ProtestTheHero]

Our physical issues are different and I am obviously not a woman, but I understand exactly how you feel. I know what it feels like to look at someone else and be envious of the way they are responded to.

 

I wish I could say something constructive, but I haven't been able to deal with this problem myself.

 

It's just a genetic dice roll...that's all it is. Some people luck out and others don't. I try to tell myself that it is unfair for me to punish myself for "losing" that dice roll when I had zero control over it. I also try not to glorify beautiful people the way most do because I realize they won the dice roll and didn't earn it.

 

It's hard to maintain that belief when no one else sees things the same way, though.

[hers]

I guess what it really comes down to is how important being beautiful is to you. I think how you feel about yourself does play a significant part though. I notice that I seem to get more attention on the days that I do feel pretty.

 

I spent most of my life believing my sister was prettier than I am. I didn't really care because being pretty was never that important to me (it's become more important to me now that I feel like I'm getting older lol). It turns out that my sister and I are probably about equal in looks. She gets twice the attention that I get though. It's her personality. She's friendly and funny and those things are by far more important than how you look.

 

My sister definitely got the looks out of the two of us, I think. Even as a pregnant lady, she's gorgeous. But I've been told I have a better personality (well, at least in high school I was told that--I dont' know now) than she does.

 

I like that I'm a good person (or rather, I try to be) more than I would prefer to be called pretty or beautiful, but some days, when you haven't had the complments on your looks in a really long time from someone other than friends, you sort of crave it.

[waveseer]

I believe in my own beauty but unless my partner sees it and can articulate that I have little hope for a romantic relationship.

[tastytoothpaste]

Heh, I know what you mean about the "post a pic" thread. I don't go there anymore because it makes me feel horribly self conscious in comparison to these flawless beauties.

 

But anyway, I totally get that it's important to feel beautiful. Most days, I'm "cute" (if I'm wearing my makeup, mind you). I haven't had anyone look into my eyes and say "damn...you're beautiful" in a very very very long time. But you know, I'm really okay with it. It would be nice for my very low self esteem, but I just don't expect those kinds of comments since I don't have a man in my life that cares about me like that. And guy friends don't say those things, so that would just be weird if one of them did lol

 

I guess I just try to hold my head up high no matter what. It can be so terribly difficult, and I've cried myself to sleep when I think too hard about appearances, my flaws, and what I wish I could look like. I've got a hell of a personality (though very shy at first), so I just try to tell myself that beauty on the inside will shine through... Is that really true? Ehh....nahh, probably not. But I really haev no other choice. I'd go crazy if I looked at beauty any other way.

[greywolf]

How does one get such high self-esteem that he or she woudl refer to him or herself as a narcissist?

 

The term narcissist that debaser used is not entirely accurate, because narcissists do seek people to validate them. They want everyone to know how great they are.

 

 

However, I do get what debaser meant because I'm kind of the same way. For the most part, I think very highly of myself, but I do realize that not everyone is going to agree. And those that don't agree aren't worth my time lol. I suppose it could just be some sort of defense mechanism.

[AKittyGoesMoo]

Thought provoking post. I'm not going to lie to you -- being called beautiful really gives me a boost in my self-esteem that I don't think I could conjure up by myself. Having my self-esteem so dependent on something so minuscule (and wholly dependent upon others!) does bother me. A lot.

 

Growing up, I had long gorgeous hair. Everyone commented on it every day. I felt completely hidden by it. The focus was not on my face or my body -- it was on my shiny silky hair. At 16, I decided to give everyone a big "screw you" and cut my hair into a pixie cut. I was no longer able to hide behind my hair and it was scary as hell. I went from being called beautiful to being called cute, and it really bothered me. And the fact that it bothered me was what bothered me the most. I was so attached the word "beautiful" that anything "less" (on your scale, too!) didn't seem good enough.

 

I caved. My hair is fairly long again and I'm back to being called beautiful. I don't have an answer for you, other than letting you know that being called beautiful has faults of its own -- we become dependent upon it. It becomes a serious weakness.

 

Also keep in mind that someone out there is gonna think you're freaking drop dead gorgeous, even if you don't see it. Take my obsession with Joni Mitchell, for instance. Most people would argue that she looks like a horse. I'm so smitten with her talent and music that I think she's fantastically gorgeous. Potentially the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. It's all a matter of perspective.

[scared and alone]

My sister definitely got the looks out of the two of us, I think. Even as a pregnant lady, she's gorgeous. But I've been told I have a better personality (well, at least in high school I was told that--I dont' know now) than she does.

 

I like that I'm a good person (or rather, I try to be) more than I would prefer to be called pretty or beautiful, but some days, when you haven't had the complments on your looks in a really long time from someone other than friends, you sort of crave it.

 

I feel the EXACT same way. It sucks lol.

 

It's funny because I dated this guy that used to have a thing for my sister for a long time and I was very skeptical (still am) as to why he wanted to date ME. He TELLS me its because he got to know me and my sister just didn't want him, and he started liking me more. Its a nice thought, but i dont know how much i believe that. lol

[Cognitive_Canine]

The term narcissist that debaser used is not entirely accurate, because narcissists do seek people to validate them. They want everyone to know how great they are.

 

 

However, I do get what debaser meant because I'm kind of the same way. For the most part, I think very highly of myself, but I do realize that not everyone is going to agree. And those that don't agree aren't worth my time lol. I suppose it could just be some sort of defense mechanism.

 

Yeah, narcassim for me was just a general like for my own reflection.

 

Even when I was frumpy, full of braces, and knew I was bad looking when I was younger, I still loved my own reflection.

 

I've trained myself not to look at reflecting windows and mirrors in public. I don't want to annoy people, because I know it's weird/annoying.

 

I promise I'm not shallow. Even though this post makes me sound that way...

[hers]

how long do you wait for that for it to be true? and how does internal beauty exactly shine through? i know what I think is beautiful in another's personality, but it's maybe not the same that others think is beautiful. I just don't know how to pick through the "internal" beauty in order for me to feel the best I can about myself.

[itsallgrand]

This is an area I feel confident in. Early on, I decided to declare myself as beautiful. Just an inner conviction, a choice.

 

Did I get a lot of validation about it early on? I suppose so. Speaking as when I was a little girl, I was told by my dad (the biggest influence) over and over how beautiful I was. I believed him.

 

And then as I grew older, I was around a lot of different people. I got exposed early to - I guess you'd say quite a bit of tragedy. Then I took up work with a mix of people who had "special needs". Sometimes that meant physical limitations, sometimes mental, sometimes emotional, a whole mix.

 

One of the biggest influences was spending time on a children's burn unit. See a little child - particularly a little girl - we all want so bad as little girls to know we are pretty!

 

It's hard for me to word it....but to look at those kids, and grown ups too...who I couldn't anything but see as absolutely beautiful, truly not just "saying that because your insides are pretty" but I mean, A beautiful little girl!, it changed my life forever.

 

Just decide you are beautiful. Keep your eyes open for other's beauty too, whether conventional or not, the beauty of people - anyways, that has helped me.

[Cognitive_Canine]

how long do you wait for that for it to be true? and how does internal beauty exactly shine through? i know what I think is beautiful in another's personality, but it's maybe not the same that others think is beautiful. I just don't know how to pick through the "internal" beauty in order for me to feel the best I can about myself.

 

Eventually, other's looks WILL fade. It will. Time will make us all equals.

 

When I was younger, I used to be quite overweight. I always saw that as toughening up.

 

When everyone else's bodies go, they'll freak out and be unable to handle it. I've already dealt with it and will know what I need to do to cope/make it better.

[hers]

I feel the EXACT same way. It sucks lol.

 

It's funny because I dated this guy that used to have a thing for my sister for a long time and I was very skeptical (still am) as to why he wanted to date ME. He TELLS me its because he got to know me and my sister just didn't want him, and he started liking me more. Its a nice thought, but i dont know how much i believe that. lol

 

i asked my last boyfriend (a guy I dated last summer) if he thought my sister was pretty based on pictures he'd seen. He told me he woudln't answer that b/c it's not an answer I need to know in order to feel good or bad about myself. I took that to mean that she's prettier than I am. I've since learned not to ask the question if I can't handle the answer.

[NEVEAH]

Personally HM I DO think you're beautiful. I saw your pics, and I would kill for your beautifiul eyes. So THERE. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it sister..lol

[greywolf]

When everyone else's bodies go, they'll freak out and be unable to handle it.

 

This is quite true. =/