Why do people seem to need so much freakin' support?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

• Validation
  
• Self-esteem issues
  
• Centre of attention issues
  
• Lack of support at home
  
• Uncertainty
  
• Indecisiveness
  
• Nothing else to post about on ENA
  

 

I think that would have been very suitable.

[3boys]

exactly...that's why i don't understand why people are jumping on Hex for this thread...it's a logical question to have. i know people like that in real life too, not just on here, so I think it's very reasonable for him to ask this.

 

I didn't mean to seem like I was jumping on him, I was just trying to point out a reason why some people might be constantly asking for help, which was his question. I didn't realize anyone meant people who continuously ask for it but then don't use it. There are times when I have to constantly ask for help, but if I do, you can be darn sure I USE it

[hers]

I didn't mean to seem like I was jumping on him, I was just trying to point out a reason why some people might be constantly asking for help, which was his question. I didn't realize anyone meant people who continuously ask for it but then don't use it. There are times when I have to constantly ask for help, but if I do, you can be darn sure I USE it

 

no i'm not really talking about you...no one is attacking him, but people do seem to be thinking he's being judgmental and unreasonable when people come on here or somewhere else and ask for help. that's not what he's doing.

[Knead2Know]

So, in my own life, and in reading these forums, I continually see people who can barely tie their own shoes constantly asking for emotional/physical/mental/spiritual support. I understand that no one is an island and we all need a shoulder or a swift kick in the trou now and then, but that's not what I'm talking about.

 

I read a post about someone disliking their job and being upset that the bf didn't totally coddle her about it.

 

Why do so many people seem to need constant and unending support?

 

Your admitted lack of empathy is why this comes off this way to you, and I think is what is driving a very strong, and a bit judgemental statement...

 

Empathy is about being able to understand what another is experiencing without experiencing it yourself (my simple definition for the sake of this discussion).

 

I don't know if handling your situations the way you have is the best way to deal with something, but if it works for you that is fantastic, but it does not work for all, and that really is the key..there usually isn't one generic way for all people to deal with things....

 

Everyone is different and their emotional requirements and levels are different.

 

As with all things (IMO), it is about achieving a balance that is critical to having a fulfilling life....

 

I think we are all seeking balance through different methodologies and means...

 

Also, I do think that being online allows people to discuss things they cannot in real life, so although it may come off as "needy" to you, it may be their only cry for help, and if you have no other ways of expressing yourself, once you do, it will be a passionate very emotional expression...

[DN]

The problem is differentiating between those who may not really require support and those who do. I prefer to err on the side of assuming the need for help is genuine.

[vivisection-8]

This response is right on.

[thejigsup]

I think seeking advice from places like this is of paramount importance to everyone at one time or another. I am a person who prefers to solve problems on my own, and that is fine. Some people, as has been mentioned previously, do not have the life experience or self confidence to do this. That is fine, we should all be there for these people as a helping community. What annoys me is the people who post about the same situation over and over, get many different views and possible solutions of the situation, and ignore ALL of them! Then, a few days later they are back posting about the same situation and asking for help, which they do not take yet again! I do not understand this and after awhile, just refuse to look at any more threads they have started. So, if you truly need advice or help, and are willing to take it, this is a good place to come to. If you just want to vent and not take anyone's advice, you are wasting a lot of people's time.

[hexaemeron]

Hey hex, this is a personal question I realize but you are the first adult with an Aspergers diagnosis that I have run accross. I mostly have worked with children who have it.

 

How much do you feel it affects your life day to day? You mentioned not much empathy. Do you think thats the Aspergers doing that?

 

Hmm... well, it affects my relationship on a daily basis. I'm an aspie, he's ADHD. We come from wildly different backgrounds and he's much more of a feeler and a communicator and I'm more of a steamroll over something or git r done kind of a person. It's... rewarding and complicated.

 

With my friends, I think for the most part I am a bit of a conundrum because I will spend time with them and they usually get to see an aspect or two of my personality, but not all, and then I recoup for months on end because I am never more at peace when I'm just alone in a quiet room or lost in my own thoughts.

 

In my job, I'm a technical trainer so adults from all over the world come to my classes so I have to be ON and PERSONABLE and interested and thoughtful and it absolutely drains me. But, I love it, so it's worth it.

 

I'm probably a bit more functional in the outside world because I was a late diagnosee, and my doctor told me I was basically a stealth aspie, in that I had already made several personal coping mechansims in order to deal with the world at large on my own terms.

 

So that was the long answer, but the short would be it affects me as much as it doesn't if that makes sense.

[avman]

So that was the long answer, but the short would be it affects me as much as it doesn't if that makes sense

 

That does make sense. Thank you very much for sharing. I've always wondered how it affects adults. With children it's very obvious the struggles they face so it's good to hear from you how you've learned to adapt.

[hexaemeron]

That does make sense. Thank you very much for sharing. I've always wondered how it affects adults. With children it's very obvious the struggles they face so it's good to hear from you how you've learned to adapt.

 

No problem. Childhood was definitely... interesting. For the longest time I thought all those issues stemmed from growing up gay in a very conservative place. That's another reason why my diagnosis came so late.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Admitting fault, swallowing your pride and asking for help is actually quite a strong thing to do. If more people did that, you'd have happier relationships instead of some of the pig-headed games and nonsense that a lot of us encounter.

 

 

I completely agree...some of the weakest people I have met are the ones who think they can take care of themselves completely and never come on to others for help or advice. Sure there are some people who constantly need advice or support and can never act..but then there are those who ask for advice and support and take some which applies and may even adapt it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength that you recognize there is a problem and you need support and advice. People who always choose to go it alone tend to be insecure and feel they need to give off an aura of being in control. Often they look down on people who ask for help so that is why they don't ask for help themselves..and often times they don't make the wisest decisions because they don't have outside perspective on the issues.

[avman]

For the longest time I thought all those issues stemmed from growing up gay in a very conservative place. That's another reason why my diagnosis came so late.

 

Ah, yeah I can see how that might confuse things as well. It must have been a very tough struggle for you when you were younger and sorting out your identity. Aspergers doesn't help when you are trying to read social cues and figure out how to relate to others.

[hexaemeron]

Ah, yeah I can see how that might confuse things as well. It must have been a very tough struggle for you when you were younger and sorting out your identity. Aspergers doesn't help when you are trying to read social cues and figure out how to relate to others.

 

That's probably why it confuses me that people sometimes need to ask for so much help. Growing up gay, I never felt I could talk about it, and because I'm an aspie... I wouldn't know how to say it.

 

Talk about a stacked deck.

[Boom]

So, in my own life, and in reading these forums, I continually see people who can barely tie their own shoes constantly asking for emotional/physical/mental/spiritual support. I understand that no one is an island and we all need a shoulder or a swift kick in the trou now and then, but that's not what I'm talking about.

 

I read a post about someone disliking their job and being upset that the bf didn't totally coddle her about it.

 

Why do so many people seem to need constant and unending support?

 

...maybe you're just really tough on the inside, eh? I know I don't need emotional support, I don't need it because I've never had any to begin with.

[ColorBlue]

I skipped the last two pages.

 

I'm like you as well, I had to be self sufficient and learned how to cope with my own problems, which seemed pretty bad but I made it through so I'm the stronger person for it. The thing about it though is that it also made me want and willing to help people whenever they needed it, so I help people whenever I see that they need it. I know the kind of people you're talking about though, the ones who constantly seem to be in the same problems over and over and over and its just tiring

 

Uh. I don't know where I was gonna go with all this, I had ADD and a bad memory. *wind blows by..*

[ColorBlue]

That's probably why it confuses me that people sometimes need to ask for so much help. Growing up gay, I never felt I could talk about it, and because I'm an aspie... I wouldn't know how to say it.

 

Talk about a stacked deck.

 

Oh man, haha, I have to relate. I'm bisexual, so I know what you mean. Well, maybe not so much. I figured out that I liked guys as well around 11th grade...so I didn't exactly grow up the same way you did.

 

Well, actually what made me for internally kept was a slurry of things, mostly just problems in my life. Man, those years seem hoorrible. I don't like them, but I like how they made me turn out. Self-reliant, stronger, and a strong sense of empathy (I think thats the one. The one that helps me understand people much better).

[FarthestEdge]

I'm likely going to get blasted for this.....

 

IMO, the last 20 years or so, society has put the wrong kind of emphasis on self-esteem. What I mean is that while intending to do the right thing, a lot of people were/are coddled as children:

 

Teachers are actively discouraged from failing students because it 'undermines their self esteem' to be held back ('cause yeah, not grasping the material the next year and every year after because the foundations are weak is SOOOOOO much better)

 

People actually SUE when their kids don't make the team.

 

Bullying in even the mildest form is severly dealt with

 

Parents can be called abusive for yelling at their kids, or giving them a swat on the behind

 

Etc. While all of the above, and many more things like it, are meant to protect our children from unnecessary harm, the end result is people don't learn how to deal with failure, not being picked for the team, mean-spirited people who treat others poorly etc...

 

Then add to this our consumer culture where it's not enough to have one toy- you need to have as much or more than your neighbours. And since toys are relatively cheaper than they were 20 years ago (indexed to inflation of course), it's easy to over-indulge our little ones.

 

In short, a LOT of children were overprotected from the harsher sides of childhood. So many enter into adulthood wholly unprepared for the adult versions. They expect everything to be handed to them and for NO ONE to make them uncomfortable in the slightest. Kid-centric upbringing leads to ego-centric adults more often than not.

 

I am NOT saying we should beat our kids, deny them toys, and allow bullies to RUIN their lives. What I am saying is that the line in the sand is drawn way too soon, or way too late in a lot of places where important life lessons should be learned, and as a result, they aren't being learned.

 

Naturally, this isn't always the case. There are parents out there that use common sense and realize that their kids need to face disappointment and learn to deal and so on. But many confuse giving their kids a better life than they had with wrapping them in bubble-wrap to protect them from any harm of any sort....

 

Of course, that's just my opinion. I'm sure many will disagree...

[Qut81]

I skipped the last two pages.

 

I'm like you as well, I had to be self sufficient and learned how to cope with my own problems, which seemed pretty bad but I made it through so I'm the stronger person for it. The thing about it though is that it also made me want and willing to help people whenever they needed it, so I help people whenever I see that they need it. I know the kind of people you're talking about though, the ones who constantly seem to be in the same problems over and over and over and its just tiring

 

Uh. I don't know where I was gonna go with all this, I had ADD and a bad memory. *wind blows by..*

 

I find it interesting how you and other ppl mentioned you have become self sufficient thru childhood bc they never had that support growing up. I didnt have that either and I am extremely needy. Ive learned not to show it as I got older (unless in relationships) but I often wonder that. My cousins mother is a heroin addict, she grew up rough just like I did but is the strongest person I know. I dont know why my life experiences didnt make me strong. It made me weaker.

[hexaemeron]

I actually agree with this 100%. I can see a total difference in the way I was raised and the way my sister, who is 9 years my junior was raised. My parents always meant well and love me dearly, but they put a lot of expectations on me for performance and made me feel personally responsible for how the family as a whole would be viewed. So I was always a straight A student, athlete, extra cirriculars, opinion pieces in the local newspaper. I was a bit of a juggernaut because I felt I had to be for them, but also because I so desperately wanted to get out of my podunk town.

 

Now, I had a nervous breakdown in college because of all the stress and demands placed onto me (and the stress and demands, in turn, I placed on myself), so with my sister, my parents went the total opposite route. They never pushed her to do better, to be stronger. They gave her everything she ever wanted and now that she's 21, she's utterly and totally incapable of being a functional adult. She relies on my parents for everything. She's married, doesn't live with her husband, doesn't work enough to even have money for a place of her own, doesn't pay rent.

 

I, on the other hand, went through a lot of personal struggle, and now as I cusp 30, moved out to San Francisco on my own at 22 with 600 bucks in the pocket, and now I work for the largest company in the world, make almost six figures and I know that no matter what happens, I can stand on my own two feet and that nothing will ever be more than I can take, though, to be fair, the last few years in my current relationship and dealing with my parents' drug addictions came perilously close.

 

When I have children, I want them to have a beautiful life. But I want them to learn how to LEARN. How to adapt. How to rely on themselves but know when it's necessary to look to others to help. It's a balance and with my children, I want to strike it.

[hexaemeron]

I find it interesting how you and other ppl mentioned you have become self sufficient thru childhood bc they never had that support growing up. I didnt have that either and I am extremely needy. Ive learned not to show it as I got older (unless in relationships) but I often wonder that. My cousins mother is a heroin addict, she grew up rough just like I did but is the strongest person I know. I dont know why my life experiences didnt make me strong. It made me weaker.

 

Maybe it's just chance or luck. When something bad or traumatic happens, basically, one of two things can happen: Eventually, you get over it, learn something and move on, or you don't get over it, you don't learn anything and you're sapped by it emotionally and mentally.

 

It's like an open wound. If you let it heal, it scabs over and the scar tissue that replaces the missing tissue is tougher. You heal, you're different and you move on. But if the wound remains open, you are sapped physically, weakened and can become infected and it can eventually kill you.

 

It's the same kind of thing, imo.

[Qut81]

Maybe it's just chance or luck. When something bad or traumatic happens, basically, one of two things can happen: Eventually, you get over it, learn something and move on, or you don't get over it, you don't learn anything and you're sapped by it emotionally and mentally.

 

It's like an open wound. If you let it heal, it scabs over and the scar tissue that replaces the missing tissue is tougher. You heal, you're different and you move on. But if the wound remains open, you are sapped physically, weakened and can become infected and it can eventually kill you.

 

It's the same kind of thing, imo.

 

That makes a lot of sense. I just want to be one of those ppl that get stronger from it.

[hers]

It's like with me and my sister: we grew up in the same home with the same mother. Same exact situations and bad things happened to us through her.

 

My sister grew up to marry a great guy and they have very healthy relationship. She is nice to everyone, doesn't hold grudges, is a happy person.

 

I grew up, went into one bad relationship after another, mean and cynical, unhappy with the world. Even had to join a support group to work out my crap and have since gotten much better but still not in a relationship (healthy or otherwise) b/c I simply don't know how to be in one. I'm happy and positive now but I wasn't always.

 

It's definitely weird when I think aboit it. How did she end up the well-adjusted one and I'm not? That's not to say she's completely without issues and problems, but she doesn't need constant support like I always have. It's interesting to see both of us who came from the same household but with 2 totally different outlooks and attitudes on life. I envy her, in all honesty, b/c she got it faster than I did.

[FarthestEdge]

Maybe it's just chance or luck. When something bad or traumatic happens, basically, one of two things can happen: Eventually, you get over it, learn something and move on, or you don't get over it, you don't learn anything and you're sapped by it emotionally and mentally.

 

It's like an open wound. If you let it heal, it scabs over and the scar tissue that replaces the missing tissue is tougher. You heal, you're different and you move on. But if the wound remains open, you are sapped physically, weakened and can become infected and it can eventually kill you.

 

It's the same kind of thing, imo.

 

And unfortunatley, some people are never taught to stop picking the scab.....

[Qut81]

I dont think I will post that much anymore....I dont want ppl to get annoyed with me.

[hers]

Where is that coming from, Qut? This board is for advice and help. If it's helping you, keep posting.