SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Me and my guy have been together almost a year now, we've had rough patches but we've both worked out the bumps in the road and now we're pretty good. We were talking last night about us being in a long distance relationship later this years etc and started talking about the future. He is always adament he wants to stay with me forever and he says stuff like he knows he'd never meet anyone else fall for anyone else or fall out of love. Maybe Im paranoid or maybe Im realistic but I dont think you can promise stuff like that or guarantee it, you can strive for it. Hes annoyed because he feels like he promises me forever and I just said to him I can promise you me, here now, and I can promise you i'll try my hardest to make this work...but I cant promise that i'll be with you forever and nothing will EVER change, because you dont know the future? So can you promsise someone forever? Am I being commitmentphobic? Have you got any stories about your relationships lasting/not lasting? Share! Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 No, you're not committment-phobic. You're a mature, realistic young woman. To me, he's not saying this because he really believes it. He's saying it so you can validate him in return by guaranteeing that you will never leave him. He sounds really unconfident and clingy. That would severely irriatate me. Link to comment
JourneyRoade Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I think it sounds a little back-handed to say "I can't promise forever because we don't know what the future holds". Even if it's just a matter of semantics and making a wholly accurate statement, it would leave me feeling unsettled too, like there is some sort of sub-text in that statement meaning that my partner isn't fully committed to the relationship. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I think it sounds a little back-handed to say "I can't promise forever because we don't know what the future holds". Even if it's just a matter of semantics and making a wholly accurate statement, it would leave me feeling unsettled too, like there is some sort of sub-text in that statement meaning that my partner isn't fully committed to the relationship. A fully-committed relationship shouldn't amount to indentured servitude. In my opinion, she should not validate his neediness. Her pace and values must be respected too. It is not a crime to be realistic. Link to comment
DN Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 That's what being engaged or married means. At least it is supposed to. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I am committed to him. I just feel like I cant guarantee the future. I show how much I love him every day. I think promising me, as I am, now, and that i'll be with him and stay faithful..I just feel wrong saying. I promised I'd try and strive for that, but I refuse to promise I can guarantee it. I'm not engaged or married to him... I dont know I feel so confused on this concept of forever....I can't promise that i wont change... I feel so confused Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I would take that as meaning, " I don't feel 100% commited to you," in sort of an indirect way of saying it. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 But Im a 100% Committed as I am now. But can anyone ever really guarantee they wont change...I can only try to make it work forever. I cant promise it. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 So can you promsise someone forever? Am I being commitmentphobic? Have you got any stories about your relationships lasting/not lasting? Share! I get where you're coming from. I'm like you. He's like my bf (just a few months into our relationship). I was a bit afraid, since all my other relationships had ended or gone wrong, and here he was ready to commit without thinking twice. It just seemed a bit crazy to say stuff when you can't back it up. Here's the thing: he's all enthousiastic, professing his love and I'm being a downer, not really reciprocating and kind of being iffy on the whole thing. When you/I say stuff like "I'll TRY my best to make things work out and stay forever" it just doesn't sound as romantic as "I want to be with you forever!" lol. You're not being commitmentphobic... just maybe trying to stay level headed, but it comes off in the wrong way to him. If you plan to marry him (I think you do have plans since you're willing to stay LDR 4 yrs) it says alot, and maybe you just haven't realised yet that indirectly.... that means forever (once you get married of course and everything works out 1 I decided to join my bf and share his view of our future, and haven't looked back. I hope it makes sense that I didn't just let him convince me or like I just went along. The concept of forever is/was new to me and I'd never had a guy profess his love for me this way... seemed too good to be true and that's scary. (He was saying he could see himself marrying me, and would never find someone like me less then a year in. I was still just discovering my feelings for him.) I wouldn't worry too much. Over time I think you guys will be on the same page and if things go right, you'll realise he had it right all along. Right now he's just leaping a bit ahead and you don't want to blindly say stuff either. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I am committed to him. I just feel like I cant guarantee the future. I show how much I love him every day. I think promising me, as I am, now, and that i'll be with him and stay faithful..I just feel wrong saying. I promised I'd try and strive for that, but I refuse to promise I can guarantee it. I'm not engaged or married to him... I dont know I feel so confused on this concept of forever....I can't promise that i wont change... I feel so confused It's emotional blackmail. All he wants is validated. He wants to hear it from you that someone younger, hotter, smarter, more money, bigger _____ won't steal you away from him. He's gonna have to just grow a pair, value himself and not look to you to have a positive self image. Link to comment
avman Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Once you are ready to promise forever then that's marriage time. Up until then I agree with you Blue that you can't really promise someone forever. Especially if you don't have that "forever" feeling inside. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 It's not that I dont' see a future with him. I just can't make a promise that no one ever knows if they can really keep. BUt saying i'll try...surely thats all I can say? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Maybe its because I was engaged and it didnt work out that Im afraid to ever make that promise between two people again. Link to comment
veneratio Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I don't think you're being a commitment-phobe, nor do I think you aren't 100% committed to him. You're being realistic, and he just wants some certainty or assurance. I wouldn't say that he's insecure, cause I can totally understand feeling uncomfortable if someone said they couldn't promise forever without an explanation. But it sounds like you've explained to him all that you've said here.. You can't promise forever. You don't know the future, if he'll change, if you'll change, if circumstance will change and so on. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I don't think you're being a commitment-phobe, nor do I think you aren't 100% committed to him. You're being realistic, and he just wants some certainty or assurance. I wouldn't say that he's insecure, cause I can totally understand feeling uncomfortable if someone said they couldn't promise forever without an explanation. But it sounds like you've explained to him all that you've said here.. You can't promise forever. You don't know the future, if he'll change, if you'll change, if circumstance will change and so on. (that is exactly what I mean) Doesnt mean I wont try. I've just seen first hand a promise of forever doesnt always mean a lot if you dont put in the effort to get there. Link to comment
avman Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Maybe you just aren't ready for a "forever" type promise. Nothing wrong with that. At some point you may feel differently. Link to comment
karvala Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Statements are rarely taken literally at face value, because they're rarely meant at face value. I could, for example, say that I'm not coming to visit you tomorrow. That's a factually accurate statement. Are you telling me that you wouldn't think anything more about it than that, such as "who the hell is this guy, and why is he saying to me?". It's the same with the promise statement. If you make no statement, fine. If you make a statement that you can promise forever, then of course that's nice to hear, so that'll be fine. If you choose, however, to make a statement that you can't promise forever, it won't be heard like that, it will be heard as "I'm with you until something better comes along". For that reason, in my view it is better not to make that statement, and if you're put on the spot where you have to jump one way or the other, it's better even to lie about it, because no partner is going to take it literally, and hold you to it; everyone understands fully well that any relationship, even after years of marriage, is not guaranteed forever. The statement is about your wish, not your ability to foresee the future. If you want it to be forever, tell him that, and that should keep him happy. Don't qualify it, because the qualification ("but I don't know for sure what the future will hold") is already understand, and to say it means something more. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Yeah he was promising forever etc and he was like 'Do you see yourself with me forever' I said 'Of course, but I wouldnt promise it, because I dont know what the future holds for me or you' Your right. Link to comment
jettison Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 You can promise... but you'd be lying! Of course you can't promise forever. You can only say something akin to, "If we keep getting along, and we keep treating each right, and we keep working hard, and we remain better together as people in a couple then we'd be apart as people then we'll be together forever. Otherwise, we'll break up." Of course, that's not very romantic, and that's not going to score a ton of romance points, so most people prefer the abreev'd version of "I'll love you forever!" In relationships, it's not about what you say. It's about what you do. Words and promises are sheet. We speak the way we breath, and present air we'll have to do. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 You hit the nail on the head. thats exactly how I think. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 That is very helpful. I've been burned int he past and I see how quickly forever can change. Maybe I should be more postive I just feel its unrealistic to promise it or for him to promise it when no one knows for sure. He talks about getting engaged before we go away to uni. I find myself seeing him more and more as my forever guy as we go along, so maybe, I'll get to your stage without being forced to say it, just by learning. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 It's on your conscience, but the humane thing to do would be to dump him. Because he is way into you. And no matter how much you'd like to believe it, there is a part deep down inside of you which knows that you are not all 100% interested in him. And dump him for yourself too, because life is too short not to spend it with someone who gives you exactly what you need. I suspect you might not be strong enough to do it, so I'll make a prediction instead. Eventually you'll lose interest in him enough to the point where you'll be able to do nothing else besides dump him. Link to comment
kodak Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 How do you feel about becoming engaged to him? Wouldn't doing that be a promise of forever? Or do you feel he might want to get engaged out of fear of losing you when you both go off to uni? Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 That is very helpful. I've been burned int he past and I see how quickly forever can change. Maybe I should be more postive I just feel its unrealistic to promise it or for him to promise it when no one knows for sure. He talks about getting engaged before we go away to uni. I find myself seeing him more and more as my forever guy as we go along, so maybe, I'll get to your stage without being forced to say it, just by learning. Oh yea! I had an issue with being more positive too. I was also being more realistic, not as positive and it really made my bf feel low when I would say stuff like- "well, if we're still together in ... years". I'm much more positive about us now. Actually it changed for me when I gave him the realistic answer, and he reacted by saying the exact same thing I had said to him. It didn't feel very good being in his shoes, and being told "well, yea, IF we're still together." He said if I wasn't gonna believe in us, then he'd also take it down a notch, which was only fair. That was a bit of a wake up call, and well.. I can't really explain how I became more positive. It just happened over a bit of time. The more things you go thru and are there for each other, the more you realise that you only want to be with that person. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 It's on your conscience, but the humane thing to do would be to dump him. Because he is way into you. And no matter how much you'd like to believe it, there is a part deep down inside of you which knows that you are not all 100% interested in him. And dump him for yourself too, because life is too short not to spend it with someone who gives you exactly what you need. I suspect you might not be strong enough to do it, so I'll make a prediction instead. Eventually you'll lose interest in him enough to the point where you'll be able to do nothing else besides dump him. I love him. I want to be with him always. I just cant make the promise that will happen as it takes work and effort. The kindest thing would be to both put as much as we can into this so that it does last forever. Link to comment
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