Do Dumpers feel pain?

[mi-amor]

i am the dumpee and i totally agree with everything you wrote EQD.

[EQD]

thank you.

 

 

and i had no idea i wrote that much until you quoted it lol

[Hugwolf]

Dumpers are doing you an absolute and amazing favor (albiet it hurts like hell its alot better than the alternative) by putting a cold wall between you and them. Because dumpees are usually the emotionally chaotic ones who will make irrational decisions about what level of contact they think they should have.

 

I sometimes wish my ex pulled a vanishing act after she broke up 3 weeks ago. I realize now her contact is tapering off now, but it's been nearly daily contact, and nearly all initiated by her. It's been really hard on me. My conclusion has been that she's forcing herself out of the relationship for the chance to be happier, but she still is unsure or afraid of losing me.

 

Other things people have said here make a lot of sense. My ex started spending all her time out, driving around, doing random things. Someone here called this being hyperactive. My ex went though this after breaking up. She also keeps telling me that she's getting sick from stress, and that she's not sleeping well or doesn't have an apatite. It sounds a lot like my stress from the break-up.

 

Is is possible that even though she dumped me that she isn't being fair to herself and making a clean break from me? Her contact just feeds me (false) hope.

[EQD]

Hm.... in that case i'd say its likely she is trying to ween herself off the relationship as well..

if i told you that she doesnt sound like she is over it i dont want you to take that as "she might take me back" because thats not what i mean.

 

she might never take you back if it seems like deep down she knows and is sticking to her decision as a correct one right now. but at the same time her way of healing has been using you in a way to help her out.

 

instead of a clean break and never seeing you again she is having her cake and eating it too without fully recognizing it makes it harder on her and you.

 

common mistake by dumpers.

 

thats all a possibility.

i'd tell her how her contact has been affecting you and see what she says about it.

[Hugwolf]

I actually did tell her that the contact bothered me few weeks ago, shortly after the breakup. She got a little upset but did tell me later that she felt selfish trying to maintain a friendship with me and would understand if I needed some time away from her. She always apologizes too about contacting me if I don't respond to her right away (text messages).

 

She decided to move out a about a month before we broke up, and it was really hard on her. I spent every evening at her new place a few weeks after she moved, and a few weeks later she was done. It does seem like everything has been for her to ween herself off the relationship. It clearly has not been an easy process for her though.

[EQD]

*shrug*

then it appears i was right.

she likely thinks its selfish because it really is selfish.

[Belgian girl]

interesting way of writing it down.

[Rochelle1982]

This post helped me alot. I have been driving myself crazy with thoughts of what he is feeling. I know that things were exciting but he had prior obligations which kept him from moving on and I was left out in the cold. He went back to a failed relationship for the wrong reasons and he seems to be getting along well, he has not even tried to contact me as far as I know. He acts as if I don't even exist to him now, and we talked like stalkers!

 

Guessing that the dumpers have dumped us a long time ago which makes it a bit easier to carry on into other relationships. I will have to agree with Alstott Fan(spelling) wholeheartedly. I respect the fact that he said that when there is a third party involved, the dumper knows what they are doing is wrong, so they make the dumpee out to be the monsters so their actions are justified. I have said this in other posts too regarding my relationship. Not only was he trying to make me look like a monster, he was implanting lies, telling me I told him of things I would never do to make me appear to be a total * * * * so that he would not commit and justify his reasons for going back to a failed marriage on me. It is no telling what he told his family and friends about me and I can't help but accept some of the blame. I did not know what I was getting into.

 

Now he is with his ex, that is how she manipulated him and the situation, now he believes he is or has done the right thing by giving me my walking papers so abruptly. I knew it was coming, but I was in denial and he assured me that he would not do ME like that, so I guess she had the better deal.

 

Just as they say, he was a master at putting up that wall, blocker of my feelings-emotions-love-time-support. They feel nothing especially if they are emotionally unattached or suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or any other disorder that allows them to not live in the now or feel they have to take responsibility for their actions. It may not hit these assclowns until years when they realize that they pushed away possibly the onliest(LOL) person that had the total package for them and they failed to see that out of selfishness. They think they have all the answers in the world and they lack the common knowledge to know that, you were not that bad. This person will realize that they let their state of uncertainty and confusion cost them their happiness and it will be too late. Now go be miserable with a miserable broad, ask me how I know!!!

[EQD]

Cut the "one day they'll look back and see they lost out" part. Because honestly (brutally I will add) that's just something people say to make themselves feel better about being passed up. And also it's completely possible that they will never come to that conclusion. They don't have enough awareness and sense to value you now and they probably won't later.

[mi-amor]

Cut the "one day they'll look back and see they lost out" part. Because honestly (brutally I will add) that's just something people say to make themselves feel better about being passed up. And also it's completely possible that they will never come to that conclusion. They don't have enough awareness and sense to value you now and they probably won't later.

 

so true, so many dumpers are so over it, fed up putting up with someone they dont want that they dont give the dumpee a second thought. they are just happy that it's over.

[Motivated Girl]

From what I was told just a few days after my ex broke up with me... he felt it was right to break up with me but regretted the way he did it. There was no dignity what so ever with the way he ended a 5 year relationship. But being that I am abiding by the NC rule like a religion I have no idea what is going on with him or his friends (now my ex-friends). He not only broke my heart, but my family and friend's as well... don't know if he'll ever realize the pain he has caused to not only me, but people I brought into his life. People never appreciate things when it comes to them too easily and conveniently.

[Rochelle1982]

Why so bitter!?! That may be your outlook and others may be in denial, but your responses are bitter, I don't think all of them are that messed up in the head, the ones that have souls and have special cases are in that percentile. We believe what we want to believe, I don't think it is always that harsh... People deal with these sorts of things differently and I think that the way you put it is a harsh outlook on the whole experience unless the ones saying it has been dating assholes their whole lives. Some people lie to themselves to get out of a great relationship because they think it is not right and when the grass is not so green even years later, they want to come back and it is too late, so I think there are those that do think about what they did, yes they will move on because with some folks it is way too late, others get back together. Can't have a bitter or negative outlook on everything, what is meant to be will be even if it does not seem plausible at the moment. Don't take that away from those wanting to remain positive if that helps how they heal. We all deal with this differently...

[bitebenot]

I was the dumper,lets say about 4 times.I never was free from the split..i was always reevaluating the situation..i was thinking of her most of the time ! I always made myself available to the dumpee if her need was to ease her pain somehow.So dumpers DO NOT FORGET AND BECOME FREE OF PAIN ! I needed time for healing,lost interest in relationships for a few months after the split.It was hard on me to,no doubt !

The dumper has an easyer time because he/she can always ask for reconciliation and the dumpee WILL accept most of the time !!!!

Now im the dumpee for the first time in my life and i can tell you its very hard ! The option that i had before i no longer have !!!!! Reconciliation is not up to me, but HER ONLY ! It sucks being a dumpee !

[Seymore]

As a dumper, I assure you that even a year later, I feel more pain than the one I left is feeling, but I know for sure deep down that I did the right thing.

[rigguy]

As a dumper, I assure you that even a year later, I feel more pain than the one I left is feeling, but I know for sure deep down that I did the right thing.

 

The right thing is what kept you going

[citymouse]

so true, so many dumpers are so over it, fed up putting up with someone they dont want that they dont give the dumpee a second thought. they are just happy that it's over.

 

I think this is true.

 

It has been about two months since he began to dump me -- it was about a two week process of him calling less and less -- and about a month and a half of no contact.

 

Yesterday I was feeling more strong and finally summoned the courage to visit the market that he runs down the block from my apt. (I was NOT going in hopes of seeing him, far from it, I just needed a few things and I am tired of being inconvenienced and feeling like I can't visit my neighborhood store).

 

He was there just as I thought he would be. I am pretty sure he saw me but he didn't approach me and I surely did not approach him. I picked up my things, paid for them and walked out as he stood a few yards away from me, chatting very casually with one of his friends. Just like that. It was pretty depressing.

 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's mostly glad that I'm out of his life. He showed no signs of embarrassment or discomfort. Mind you I'm not blaming him for dumping me. But the way he did it -- just walking way cold with no explanation -- was shameful IMO. I don't think he has lost any sleep over it though. LOL

[rapunzel]

Yes, dumpers feel pain but I think it depends on the length and quality of the relationship.

 

I dumped my ex-ex after a 4.5 year relationship. We are "friends" now but I still feel badly about what I did to him although at this point he has recovered nicely and is doing quite well without me, it seems. Sometimes when I see him I feel pangs of "did I do the right thing", etc. because he does have good qualities that I miss. I haven't wanted to take him back so I know that I did do the right thing for both of us. I would not have been happy with him long term, as I was unhappy for quite a long time before I left.

 

My dumper felt pain about the way he treated me. He initiated a few talks with me post both break ups, explaining himself somewhat and letting me know how he felt about me (but clearly it was not as a romantic partner), gave me a thoughtful birthday gift several months after the second break up, tried to make "amends" to me, and told me he felt very guilty about what had happened. So I think the pain he felt was more about him and the way he felt about himSELF and how HE behaved, rather than about ME. The fact that he had to see me at rehearsals, etc. reminded him that he hurt someone deeply (me) and he had a hard time reconciling that within himself.

[wlh22]

They feel a different type of pain in most cases. Because they're not the ones being abandoned they dont feel the pain associated with rejection, confusion and helplessness as well as the impact of sudden detachment. If the break-up was as a result of progressive detachment from their end (which is usually the case) their only pain results from feeling sorry for you and the fact that the relationship didn't work out. It is a pain much easier to deal with because the break-up was initiated by them so while they can walk away assured that they are doing whats best for them, you are left feeling that you lost what would have been best for you, which is the dumper who dumped you.

I agree completely... but that doesn't explain dumpers going with other people immediately after the relationship

[donpeel83]

I agree completely... but that doesn't explain dumpers going with other people immediately after the relationship

 

Personally i feel it is their way of trying to numb the pain/guilt. I think that whilst they do feel sense of relief they will also miss little things too and instead of be faced with those reminders and the questions of "did I do the right thing" they go on this super active frenzy of sleeping around, always going out etc. However, because they do not do what the dumpee does of have to face the pain and issues head on, they end up burying their own problems and eventually, some way down the line, they have no choice but face their demons later. Usually, by the time the dumper has to face up to their problems the dumpee is in a stronger place. This isnt a set in stone rule i might add though, though i do think its very common.

 

Also, sometimes the dumper is hit by the classic "Grass is greener" syndrome. This can (again sometimes) lead to the dumper realising eventually that the ex they ditched actually wasnt a bad person and neither was the relationship and they might in turn regret their actions. However, there is but Bob Hope and No hope of the dumper ever owning up to that.

[bitebenot]

i agree fully on that one !! They do every thing to get over the ex.

But later on they they have to deal with the pain like the dumpee use to.

[abandoned, too]

I have to agree with this 100%. Excellent post. Having been both the dumper 3 times and now the dumpee for my first time after my longest and most serious relationship, I can say this is pretty much dead on.

[sweet_kisses]

Before me, my ex boyfriended dated another girl for 2 years. He broke up with her because he wasn't in love with her. One time he told me that he feels really guilty about the break up and that he "messed that one up" (his words) although I'm not sure whether he was referring to the relationships or the breakup. I never asked him to elaborate.

 

I also know that they remained friends but were more as acquaintances who'd make small talk whenever they say each other, other times she would ignore him. He felt bad about this too and I think wanted to be real friends.

 

So I guess they do feel something. I wish I could read his mind about what he's thinking about me.

[Confscared89]

These posts r the only thing keeping me sane right now, in my case I am the dumper and I feel like a terrible person

I was dating my ex for just under a year and in the beginning things were perfect, I had just come out of a toxic relationship and he helped me see the light.

However over time the more I started to get to know him the more I felt we were completely different, and small things, nothing major started bugging me. I never said anything as I said it wasn't major.

Anyway he treated me like gold and would do anything for me, we didn't fight either.

These differences however were bottling up inside me until we got into an argument and I brought all my issues to his attention. I felt so detached from the relationship that I ended things with him.

The day after I regretted it and got back with him as I didn't actually give him a chance to improve on the issues I raised.

A month later and I still felt emotionally detached from the relationship, he almost turned into a different person, which he said was to improve himself but I think he changed to better suit my needs, which I didn't feel to be fair either.

Even though he gave me all the comfort and security I could ask for and would climb mountains for me, I still felt unhappiness. I didn't get excited to see him or feel the need to call him and I can't understand why as I feel like such a selfish person for not having those feelings as I couldn't ask for more in a guy.

Now it's 2 days since I broke up with him, he was devastated and is suffering but I am an emotional wreck I can't help thinking that I didn't try hard enough or maybe I am looking for too much. I'm so saddened by this especially as I just felt something was missing and not right, it would b a lot easier to reassure my decision if I had something physical to blame.

The pain and doubt is excruciating!!

[Harmonique]

Because you are as a dumper who didn't cheat. While dumper who moved on immediately to rebound, or cheated emotionally during the r/s, has the love from other person to heal. It sucks and is selfish, this cruelty act just shows how weak they are to handle pain, and they cannot handle it by themselves that's why they have to make use of others to heal.

[bwhite00]

harmonique that's some real !@$(.

 

and to confscared, you did exactly what my ex did to me. small things added up to 1 big choice. i have a feeling she'll regret the decision.